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I have been prone to anxiety since I was a kid. I was in a panic if I lost sight of my parents in the shopping mall. I was in panic if either or both of them were late from work. Later on, in my teens when bullied in school, I froze completely and pretty much proved to the bullies they were right about me. A scared to s hit, slightly stupid, scrawny tense kid, with nothing going on in his life. Yes, I know, I shouldn't be thinking this way. But I had the rest of my life to date as witness that it was in fact the correct assessment. Way to go bullies.

So nothing has really changed 50 years and nowadays I can add paranoia to the list of my shortcomings. 

I am sick and tired of this person I am. I am sick of the lack of confidence, the failure that is my life, the stagnant place I have been in most of my life. 

I am in constant stress for no obvious reason. I have never really been able to relax. And please don't mention mindfulness as far as I am concerned it is a watered down version of zen and WILL NOT work for everyone. I tried it and found it boring and pointless.

Anxiety, restlessness and  low tolerance for any kind of stress are permenant fixtures in my life. I have always had trouble with motivation and I never been interested enough in anything to sustain an effort to master anything(my exception was martial arts, but I haven't been able to go as much as I want due to health issues and my dead end, dissatisfsctory job and besides, I pretty much plateaued there too)..(

Nope. Not AD(H)D. I dont tick all the boxes and my symptoms weren't bad enough to warrant ADD diagnosis and I have also been screened for that, bpd, bipolar too, nothing there either though I do have some of the characteristics of "mixed state depression/bipolar whatever, all the diagnoses the holy DMS spews out are bs anyhow.

I have managed to scrape through life, not living, but sort of going through the motions, decieving the people around me and even myself at times that I am ok, but really just existing as this bundle of an anxious void.

I am fed up with myself. I don't want to be "me". But I don't want to be anyone else either.  I am fed up with the anxiety, the self loathing, the fxxking VOID I constantly feel within me. The emptiness I truly am. The void I perceive the world to be.

Fed up with all of it.

 

Edited by samadhiSheol

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I'm familiar with much of what you posted. I was an anxious weenie of a kid myself and was routinely bullied. I rarely stood my ground over anything and I still don't. I find it easier just to cave in and then hate myself more for being such a wuss. I'm hitting 60 this year and nothing has changed since I was that little twerp who was walked over all of the time.

I've done (or not done) so many things throughout my life because I couldn't say "no". I acquiesce on essentially everything. There are several big issues in my life right now that I should have control over but instead, I simply flow with the current without any resistance.

The Beatles' song "Nowhere Man" seems to describe me very well. I sometimes think about standing up for myself but I have never made it happen.

I'm a weak nothing of a man and as a result, I loathe my own existence.

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The world never sees the bullies though.  When people like us stand up for ourselves then we are noticed.  The bullies get away with it because the bullies run the world.  In school I bulked up and became the person that stood up for myself.  I was the one that got kicked out of school.  For the most part I'm a wimp.  I allow myself to be walked all over and hold everything in until I snap and make some huge scene.  It's been the story of my life.  I can be tough but only when I feel it's the last choice left and I'm backed into a corner.

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It is good that you have realized what you want to change about yourself @samadhiSheol.  Do you have an idea of how to start?

Bullies are ass holes. 

9 minutes ago, sober4life said:

The world never sees the bullies though.  When people like us stand up for ourselves then we are noticed.  The bullies get away with it because the bullies run the world.  In school I bulked up and became the person that stood up for myself.  I was the one that got kicked out of school.  For the most part I'm a wimp.  I allow myself to be walked all over and hold everything in until I snap and make some huge scene.  It's been the story of my life.  I can be tough but only when I feel it's the last choice left and I'm backed into a corner.

I would start drawing boundaries earlier so you do not blow up in the wrong way at the wrong time.

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38 minutes ago, Rattler6 said:

It is good that you have realized what you want to change about yourself @samadhiSheol.  Do you have an idea of how to start?

Bullies are ass holes. 

I would start drawing boundaries earlier so you do not blow up in the wrong way at the wrong time.

@Rattler6, I haven’t a clue. At the age I am I don’t even think anything is worth the bother anymore. 

Yes I am sick of me, but I don’t know what to change in myself. I don’t really know what would constitute a better or a more acceptable “me”.

I am a grumpy, on the edge old git just waiting to die or get the courage to do myself in I guess.

Oh, and @sober4life,  @JD4010 And @Rattler6,  mucho gracias for your input. Always appreciated  even if it doesn’t seem like it.

Edited by samadhiSheol

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27 minutes ago, JD4010 said:

We are all in this together, bro.

I wish you all were on the ride I am on now.

I feel GOOD. 

Though I acted uncharacteristically just an hour ago. Bantering with complete strangers at the pub for fxxcks sake. 

I NEVER do that.

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3 hours ago, samadhiSheol said:

I wish you all were on the ride I am on now.

I feel GOOD. 

Though I acted uncharacteristically just an hour ago. Bantering with complete strangers at the pub for fxxcks sake. 

I NEVER do that.

I feel good too.  My "ride" that nobody understands including me never ends.  I feel like going to a pub too but I would put them out of business right now.

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Just now, samadhiSheol said:

I wish you all were on the ride I am on now.

I feel GOOD. 

Though I acted uncharacteristically just an hour ago. Bantering with complete strangers at the pub for fxxcks sake. 

I NEVER do that.

My vote for coolest profile pic ever.  The hipster ablaze with everything at once.  Great.

Bulgakov

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On 9/7/2019 at 3:38 PM, sober4life said:

I feel good too.  My "ride" that nobody understands including me never ends.  I feel like going to a pub too but I would put them out of business right now.

Yep. I'd drain their entire stock, then lurch over to the liquor store and fill up a U-Haul truck full of booze.

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1 minute ago, JD4010 said:

Yep. I'd drain their entire stock, then lurch over to the liquor store and fill up a U-Haul truck full of booze.

I think of the times when there were open bars or kegs where I had 2 cases or more myself and made a complete fool of myself.  There is no off switch.  There's a blackout because my mind is desperately trying to get me to stop but even that doesn't stop me.  2 days later I'm still going because my brain has always been self destructive and has always wanted to die from the first day I woke up here.

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