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Feeling depressed due to turning 30 and having always been single and a virgin


Lundi_Hvalursson

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8 hours ago, Lundi_Hvalursson said:

I would not mind meeting women who are virgins at 30+, be it 35, 40, whatever. To me that does not define a person. Unfortunately mainstream society seem to have other opinions.

I also have self-conscious thoughts about how people perceive me. I feel like there is a big light shining on me and everyone is looking at me to judge me even more. That might come more from the social anxiety and Asperger's than the virginity problem though.

It is nice to know that there are however more female virgins at 30+ than I previously had thought. I always had this perception that 99%+ of all people at age 30 in Western countries are non-virgins, which significantly made me feel terrible.

I have no issue dating another virgin either. If someone is willing to put themselves out there, that speaks well of them. I should stop being a wuss and actually sign up for a dating site. Have you ever visited r/deadbedrooms or r/sex on reddit? People are really weird in general about sex.

My two closest friends didn't lose their virginities until they were 28 and 29. One is engaged to the only guy she's been with, and the other has her choice of men but is also dating a great guy. Now they are like, "you need to start dating already". Even for late bloomers, I'm a misfit.

Lately my social anxiety has improved a lot because I volunteer with seniors and they are (surprisingly) non-judgmental and easy to talk to. I still have difficulty socializing with people my age, but it's improving.

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On ‚Äé9‚Äé/‚Äé18‚Äé/‚Äé2019 at 7:40 AM, Kogent5 said:

I have no issue dating another virgin either. If someone is willing to put themselves out there, that speaks well of them. I should stop being a wuss and actually sign up for a dating site. Have you ever visited r/deadbedrooms or r/sex on reddit? People are really weird in general about sex.

My two closest friends didn't lose their virginities until they were 28 and 29. One is engaged to the only guy she's been with, and the other has her choice of men but is also dating a great guy. Now they are like, "you need to start dating already". Even for late bloomers, I'm a misfit.

Lately my social anxiety has improved a lot because I volunteer with seniors and they are (surprisingly) non-judgmental and easy to talk to. I still have difficulty socializing with people my age, but it's improving.

I am not a Reddit user, but I try to avoid places like that due to the comments. I also try to avoid mainstream media, because they talk about this like it is very important. I remember one TV programme where the panel were all women in their 40s and 50s, and quite a lot of them were making fun of a guy (I think some athlete or something) who admitted to being 30 and a virgin. I thought that if women are berating this guy so badly, how do I have a chance in dating.

I think that senior citizens are usually less judgemental. The older someone is, the more likely it is that they have had their ego dropped because life experience teaches one that no one is perfect, and that superficially judging other people is simply stupid. 

If you are like me, maybe you feel better with older crowds. I cannot most stand people in their 20s, usually the NT types. Although I am in my twenties myself, they seem so much more immature, and I thus gravitate towards people who are at least in their mid-40s. I think that people even when they reach 40, they see that the way that they could superficially look good and act cool back when they were younger is over, because almost everyone experiences bodily decline at 40. The humility factor goes up at that age.

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May I suggest something...unconventional? Since you're in SF, I'm not sure if they have....Vietnamese matchmakers. They'd introduce women from Vietnam, who'd be flown from their home country...but they'd be looking for a guy to provide economical support since the jobs pay low salaries back home; so be prepared to cough up some dough.

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23 hours ago, Lundi_Hvalursson said:

I am not a Reddit user, but I try to avoid places like that due to the comments. I also try to avoid mainstream media, because they talk about this like it is very important. I remember one TV programme where the panel were all women in their 40s and 50s, and quite a lot of them were making fun of a guy (I think some athlete or something) who admitted to being 30 and a virgin. I thought that if women are berating this guy so badly, how do I have a chance in dating.

I think that senior citizens are usually less judgemental. The older someone is, the more likely it is that they have had their ego dropped because life experience teaches one that no one is perfect, and that superficially judging other people is simply stupid. 

If you are like me, maybe you feel better with older crowds. I cannot most stand people in their 20s, usually the NT types. Although I am in my twenties myself, they seem so much more immature, and I thus gravitate towards people who are at least in their mid-40s. I think that people even when they reach 40, they see that the way that they could superficially look good and act cool back when they were younger is over, because almost everyone experiences bodily decline at 40. The humility factor goes up at that age.

Yeah, I've never seen being an older virgin treated in a kind way in Western media. I used to watch a lot of Japanese dramas and older virgins are just not as negatively portrayed, it's a part of them but not their main characteristic (although they're still usually weird/quirky characters). I think it is a bigger stigma for men than women, but I appreciate that you aren't going on a rant about women or dismissing my experience because I'm a woman. I've left social anxiety forums because threads like these often devolve into that. A lot of reddit can be like that too, so I don't blame you for staying away.

I know seniors who are incredibly gossipy and judgmental, but I haven't met many who go to my senior centre which is lucky for me lol. The one I have was actually very lonely and her criticisms didn't hurt, not like when my friends criticize me.

What is an NT? I have always felt¬†better with older crowds.¬†I don't interact much with people my age nowadays, and I've always liked older men, so my 'type' is¬†getting weird. The¬†guy I'm kinda infatuated with¬†is my 50-something volunteer supervisor who is overweight, bald, short, not handsome.¬†But he's married so that's a big no. Even if he was single¬†it would definitely look¬†like¬†a¬†mail-order bride situation ūüėÖ¬†

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1 hour ago, Kogent5 said:

Yeah, I've never seen being an older virgin treated in a kind way in Western media. I used to watch a lot of Japanese dramas and older virgins are just not as negatively portrayed, it's a part of them but not their main characteristic (although they're still usually weird/quirky characters). I think it is a bigger stigma for men than women, but I appreciate that you aren't going on a rant about women or dismissing my experience because I'm a woman. I've left social anxiety forums because threads like these often devolve into that. A lot of reddit can be like that too, so I don't blame you for staying away.

I know seniors who are incredibly gossipy and judgmental, but I haven't met many who go to my senior centre which is lucky for me lol. The one I have was actually very lonely and her criticisms didn't hurt, not like when my friends criticize me.

What is an NT? I have always felt¬†better with older crowds.¬†I don't interact much with people my age nowadays, and I've always liked older men, so my 'type' is¬†getting weird. The¬†guy I'm kinda infatuated with¬†is my 50-something volunteer supervisor who is overweight, bald, short, not handsome.¬†But he's married so that's a big no. Even if he was single¬†it would definitely look¬†like¬†a¬†mail-order bride situation ūüėÖ¬†

I think that from what I see so far, the stigma is generally bigger for men than women, yes, but both genders would feel bad about being an older virgin, mostly due to media pressure. 

I do not and cannot know personally how the female equivalent (female virgin at 30) would be like, because that would be physically impossible. From my own experience, as a male, male colleagues and acquaintances, and even friends (or at least, supposedly "friends") can be very brutal. Not only is verbal bullying common, e.g. males calling a male virgin names, such as a "f√ľcking disgusting loser" and "not a real man" , but going farther and doing public humiliation is also unfortunately common too.

In a group of male friends and acquaintances, even those who are in their 20s and 30s, many men, at least here, seem to be stuck perpetually in their teenage years and would blurt out to an older virgin, "How can you call yourself a real man?" I do not know how female groups of friends treat each other exactly. But I can imagine that in many cases, they might say something similar to an older female virgin. At least here.

I have seen personally how older male virgin acquaintances are treated--sometimes "friends" and acquaintances publicise these guys' virginity to other people with the aim of spreading the word that this guy is a virgin. I know that it has happened to me, but also to some other people whom I know. That plus extended family members calling male virgins all sorts of names too. I have a male cousin who is in his 60s and is still a virgin. You cannot imagine the names that extended family call him. It is as if they consider him a lowly animal without feelings.

My own mother was a virgin until 27, and said that she does not remember being constantly berated or insulted for this back then. Maybe nowadays people make fun of virgins more though. I am sure that sometimes older female virgins unfortunately suffer similar sorts of verbal abuse from their female friends.

"NT" means "neurotypical", as in someone who does not have autism or Asperger's. Where I live, there seems to be a higher than average amount of men on the autism spectrum, and most women seem to not be on the spectrum (i.e. neurotypical). 

Japan have a very different culture, and I read articles that quite a large amount (something like 35-40%) of all men over 30 are still virgins. Possibly a high amount of female virgins there as well. I do not think that they berate and insult each other as much as in the West. Clearly, if we lived in Japan, I bet that no one would call us weird.

I also gravitate towards older people for socialising, and older women (which is considered weird here). I do not mean like 70 year old women, but as I am 29, I mean something like at least 30, probably around 32 or 33 up to 45. I do not seem to see eye-to-eye with women in their twenties, just as much as I have big problems making male friends with males in their twenties. Both genders, at least here, seem very immature when they are in their 20s. They act like they are 14 or 15 in a 20-something year old body.

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On 9/20/2019 at 6:42 PM, Lundi_Hvalursson said:

I think that from what I see so far, the stigma is generally bigger for men than women, yes, but both genders would feel bad about being an older virgin, mostly due to media pressure. 

I do not and cannot know personally how the female equivalent (female virgin at 30) would be like, because that would be physically impossible. From my own experience, as a male, male colleagues and acquaintances, and even friends (or at least, supposedly "friends") can be very brutal. Not only is verbal bullying common, e.g. males calling a male virgin names, such as a "f√ľcking disgusting loser" and "not a real man" , but going farther and doing public humiliation is also unfortunately common too.

In a group of male friends and acquaintances, even those who are in their 20s and 30s, many men, at least here, seem to be stuck perpetually in their teenage years and would blurt out to an older virgin, "How can you call yourself a real man?" I do not know how female groups of friends treat each other exactly. But I can imagine that in many cases, they might say something similar to an older female virgin. At least here.

I have seen personally how older male virgin acquaintances are treated--sometimes "friends" and acquaintances publicise these guys' virginity to other people with the aim of spreading the word that this guy is a virgin. I know that it has happened to me, but also to some other people whom I know. That plus extended family members calling male virgins all sorts of names too. I have a male cousin who is in his 60s and is still a virgin. You cannot imagine the names that extended family call him. It is as if they consider him a lowly animal without feelings.

My own mother was a virgin until 27, and said that she does not remember being constantly berated or insulted for this back then. Maybe nowadays people make fun of virgins more though. I am sure that sometimes older female virgins unfortunately suffer similar sorts of verbal abuse from their female friends.

"NT" means "neurotypical", as in someone who does not have autism or Asperger's. Where I live, there seems to be a higher than average amount of men on the autism spectrum, and most women seem to not be on the spectrum (i.e. neurotypical). 

Japan have a very different culture, and I read articles that quite a large amount (something like 35-40%) of all men over 30 are still virgins. Possibly a high amount of female virgins there as well. I do not think that they berate and insult each other as much as in the West. Clearly, if we lived in Japan, I bet that no one would call us weird.

I also gravitate towards older people for socialising, and older women (which is considered weird here). I do not mean like 70 year old women, but as I am 29, I mean something like at least 30, probably around 32 or 33 up to 45. I do not seem to see eye-to-eye with women in their twenties, just as much as I have big problems making male friends with males in their twenties. Both genders, at least here, seem very immature when they are in their 20s. They act like they are 14 or 15 in a 20-something year old body.

I think the idea that women have it much easier makes me feel even worse. Like I'm excessively repulsive. Need to work more on loving myself.

I've never been berated. I would classify it more as traumatizing interventions with harsh words out of concern for me...okay, maybe a little berated. My two brothers are both older than me and virgins, and they are massively isolated (almost hikikomori). My family in general are black sheep, Lord knows what the relatives say about us...

I imagine that being on the spectrum adds another layer of "otherness". Sometimes that's not a bad thing though (at least on the outside), because not all women are attracted to "normal". All the stuff you've accomplished, you sound more like a quirky genius.

I've always wanted to live in Japan, even just for a little bit. They do matchmaking if dating is difficult. Not that Japan is a perfect society, and I think being a woman there would suck, but my personality fits there in a lot of ways. I went a few years ago and it was a dream come true - but now the friends I went with have their partners and I've no one to go with. Bleh.

Looking back, I wish I had been more risky in my teens and twenties. Experienced more stuff. I'm not that old, and I do get annoyed by stupid people, but yeah...wish I had more of my own stupid stories to tell.

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1 hour ago, Kogent5 said:

I think the idea that women have it much easier makes me feel even worse. Like I'm excessively repulsive. Need to work more on loving myself.

I've never been berated. I would classify it more as traumatizing interventions with harsh words out of concern for me...okay, maybe a little berated. My two brothers are both older than me and virgins, and they are massively isolated (almost hikikomori). My family in general are black sheep, Lord knows what the relatives say about us...

I imagine that being on the spectrum adds another layer of "otherness". Sometimes that's not a bad thing though (at least on the outside), because not all women are attracted to "normal". All the stuff you've accomplished, you sound more like a quirky genius.

I've always wanted to live in Japan, even just for a little bit. They do matchmaking if dating is difficult. Not that Japan is a perfect society, and I think being a woman there would suck, but my personality fits there in a lot of ways. I went a few years ago and it was a dream come true - but now the friends I went with have their partners and I've no one to go with. Bleh.

Looking back, I wish I had been more risky in my teens and twenties. Experienced more stuff. I'm not that old, and I do get annoyed by stupid people, but yeah...wish I had more of my own stupid stories to tell.

I do not want to generalise completely and say that the experience is easier for men. It is true that in traditional courtship the expectation is that men initiate and women choose to reciprocate if they wish, a female virgin could easily feel as bad as I do as a male virgin. It is also true that in my experience, there are a lot of people who would consider an older female virgin as "okay, whatever" and at the same time consider a male virgin as a complete and total disgrace/loser because men are often judged on how good they are with sex in mainstream culture. But at the same time, I am absolutely sure that there are people who regard female virgins as negatively as they do male virgins. There are definitely some idiotic men who would never consider a female virgin as a partner (I have met some), just as there are women who would never consider a male virgin as a partner.

You are not repulsive. If anything, I think that you seem like a more interesting woman to date than basically most of the women whom I encounter here.

A lot of males, especially younger/immature males, resort to not only verbal bullying, but even physical bullying towards male virgins. I find the physical bullying even more reprehensible than the verbal bullying. This usually happens when macho males (I think they call them "meatheads" in North America, and "prats" or just "wankers" in the UK) think that they must impose their dominance amongst everyone, and believe that virgin males are weak males. Whilst I am not sure how female bullying is, I would not be surprised at all if female virgins got physically bullied. Hair-pulling, chewing gum in hair, all sorts of stupidity would sadly not surprise me.

I do not find myself a genius at all, I think that I am just a regular guy who unfortunately has this virginity and single problem. Maybe I overemphasise this "flaw" in my personality too much, without focussing on the positives. I have three STEM degrees and am by definition a polyglot and play chess seriously, but just because I am a virgin and single at this age I feel like sh√Įte.

Perhaps we all do this to an extent, the bad seems to be highlighted more than our positive qualities. I could just as easily turn it round and ask anyone who criticises me for my situation, "I may be a virgin and single, I do not want to be in this situation but it is what it is. And you, as a non-virgin, do you have three STEM degrees, know over ten languages and are a serious chess player?"

Japan have some big problems with sexism, true. One of their positives is however their normality towards introversion. An introverted person would not feel out of place there. In North America (Canada, USA, Mexico), introversion is seen as weak and weird. Even in Europe, it is varied. In Germanic Europe (Scandinavia, Germany, Austria, Switzerland, Netherlands) I find that introversion is much more respected than where I live. In Latin Europe (France, Spain, Italy, Catalonia, Portugal, Basque, Romania) I find that most people are more outgoing than not, but still introversion is respected.

I was thinking about taking risks in terms of relationships and stuff as younger, but still, it can be too risky. I remember when I was 18 during first year of university I was talking with a group of friends. At one point, a 19 year old woman came up to me and talked to me. Then after a few minutes of conversation, she put her hand over mine and said, "How about you come over to my room for a little bit?" I, being completely socially dense, did not understand at all what she was talking about. I replied, "To play cards? Blackjack? Or what?", which baffled her. Later the guys told me, "Are you dumb? She was interested in you!" I did not understand it until I was told. But let us say I managed to have sex at 18. Would it not be dangerous to risk a pregnancy, especially because I had no previous experience and did not know how to use a condom, and even ended up with some STI like gonorrhaea, chlamidiya, syphilis, or even worse, AIDS? Or even worse, both pregnancy and STI? At 18, I was naive and very clumsy. I could have risked it, but what if something bad happened?

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19 hours ago, Lundi_Hvalursson said:

I do not want to generalise completely and say that the experience is easier for men. It is true that in traditional courtship the expectation is that men initiate and women choose to reciprocate if they wish, a female virgin could easily feel as bad as I do as a male virgin. It is also true that in my experience, there are a lot of people who would consider an older female virgin as "okay, whatever" and at the same time consider a male virgin as a complete and total disgrace/loser because men are often judged on how good they are with sex in mainstream culture. But at the same time, I am absolutely sure that there are people who regard female virgins as negatively as they do male virgins. There are definitely some idiotic men who would never consider a female virgin as a partner (I have met some), just as there are women who would never consider a male virgin as a partner.

You are not repulsive. If anything, I think that you seem like a more interesting woman to date than basically most of the women whom I encounter here.

A lot of males, especially younger/immature males, resort to not only verbal bullying, but even physical bullying towards male virgins. I find the physical bullying even more reprehensible than the verbal bullying. This usually happens when macho males (I think they call them "meatheads" in North America, and "prats" or just "wankers" in the UK) think that they must impose their dominance amongst everyone, and believe that virgin males are weak males. Whilst I am not sure how female bullying is, I would not be surprised at all if female virgins got physically bullied. Hair-pulling, chewing gum in hair, all sorts of stupidity would sadly not surprise me.

I do not find myself a genius at all, I think that I am just a regular guy who unfortunately has this virginity and single problem. Maybe I overemphasise this "flaw" in my personality too much, without focussing on the positives. I have three STEM degrees and am by definition a polyglot and play chess seriously, but just because I am a virgin and single at this age I feel like sh√Įte.

Perhaps we all do this to an extent, the bad seems to be highlighted more than our positive qualities. I could just as easily turn it round and ask anyone who criticises me for my situation, "I may be a virgin and single, I do not want to be in this situation but it is what it is. And you, as a non-virgin, do you have three STEM degrees, know over ten languages and are a serious chess player?"

Japan have some big problems with sexism, true. One of their positives is however their normality towards introversion. An introverted person would not feel out of place there. In North America (Canada, USA, Mexico), introversion is seen as weak and weird. Even in Europe, it is varied. In Germanic Europe (Scandinavia, Germany, Austria, Switzerland, Netherlands) I find that introversion is much more respected than where I live. In Latin Europe (France, Spain, Italy, Catalonia, Portugal, Basque, Romania) I find that most people are more outgoing than not, but still introversion is respected.

I was thinking about taking risks in terms of relationships and stuff as younger, but still, it can be too risky. I remember when I was 18 during first year of university I was talking with a group of friends. At one point, a 19 year old woman came up to me and talked to me. Then after a few minutes of conversation, she put her hand over mine and said, "How about you come over to my room for a little bit?" I, being completely socially dense, did not understand at all what she was talking about. I replied, "To play cards? Blackjack? Or what?", which baffled her. Later the guys told me, "Are you dumb? She was interested in you!" I did not understand it until I was told. But let us say I managed to have sex at 18. Would it not be dangerous to risk a pregnancy, especially because I had no previous experience and did not know how to use a condom, and even ended up with some STI like gonorrhaea, chlamidiya, syphilis, or even worse, AIDS? Or even worse, both pregnancy and STI? At 18, I was naive and very clumsy. I could have risked it, but what if something bad happened?

Thank you! I come across much better online. I'm a bit of a nutter who can't keep herself together irl. I'm also a Westernized Asian, and on first meeting I am very meek but I'm actually massively opinionated and stubborn, obnoxious even. You certainly come across as very likable, so I guess we are presenting the best versions of ourselves here.

You are heavily involved in chess, do you attend chess clubs? I would love to go on a first date where the guy show me how to play Dungeons & Dragons, so I'm sure there's a gal there who would like you to teach her chess!

There are people attracted to jerks, but I'm not one of them. I have enough of those in my life. If awful people who show all the red flags of being an abuser can find partners, why can't we? I am always drawn to introverts anyways.

Sometimes I just get tired of explaining my situation so I just lie (mostly for strangers/relatives). I'm not here to be their gossip fodder. If you can challenge a person trying to demean you, that is very impressive! I go blank and start blushing and stuttering lol...

Virginity isn't a flaw, it's just a thing. I will tell you that my therapist (who is a bit crazy herself) says she has never had consensual sex before, despite having been previously married for 30 years. It was such a shocking thing for me to hear and certainly made me realize there are lots of things worse than being an older virgin. She mentioned the same concerns you had as well with being promiscuous and advised against it. Actually she just told me to buy something from an adult store until I was¬†in a relationship ūüėÖ

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13 hours ago, Kogent5 said:

Thank you! I come across much better online. I'm a bit of a nutter who can't keep herself together irl. I'm also a Westernized Asian, and on first meeting I am very meek but I'm actually massively opinionated and stubborn, obnoxious even. You certainly come across as very likable, so I guess we are presenting the best versions of ourselves here.

You are heavily involved in chess, do you attend chess clubs? I would love to go on a first date where the guy show me how to play Dungeons & Dragons, so I'm sure there's a gal there who would like you to teach her chess!

There are people attracted to jerks, but I'm not one of them. I have enough of those in my life. If awful people who show all the red flags of being an abuser can find partners, why can't we? I am always drawn to introverts anyways.

Sometimes I just get tired of explaining my situation so I just lie (mostly for strangers/relatives). I'm not here to be their gossip fodder. If you can challenge a person trying to demean you, that is very impressive! I go blank and start blushing and stuttering lol...

Virginity isn't a flaw, it's just a thing. I will tell you that my therapist (who is a bit crazy herself) says she has never had consensual sex before, despite having been previously married for 30 years. It was such a shocking thing for me to hear and certainly made me realize there are lots of things worse than being an older virgin. She mentioned the same concerns you had as well with being promiscuous and advised against it. Actually she just told me to buy something from an adult store until I was¬†in a relationship ūüėÖ

Thanks for that. Chess is not really popular here, although one of the oldest chess clubs in the Western Hemisphere is located downtown here. I do not go to chess clubs anymore because once one gets serious, the only way to improve is to travel internationally to improve, get titles, get higher ranking, etc. Just like golf players, tennis players, footballers, etc., serious chess players need to attend prestigious events round the world if they want any success. Right now I cannot do this because I do not have the funds. When I move to Europe I am going to try to play there and try to fulfill requirements to get the grandmaster title.

In my experience here, very few if any at all women have expressed any interest in chess. It is mostly a thing that they hear and just say "oh" before changing the subject. One time I explained my chess background, and a woman asked, "Chess, that is a game, like cup stacking and blackjack, right?" Maybe they would be more interested in Europe, where chess is very respected.

Maybe it is a matter of location and people. I attend meetups, but it is a very strange dynamic. Here I would say that at the average event, more than 90% of women seem to be neurotypical and outgoing, often liking bars, clubs, dancing, hiking, etc. I do go to bars sometimes, but only for meetups. Clubs, basically never nowadays. I did when I was in university though. But dancing, hiking and those types of activities, never.

In terms of making male friends even, many men seem like they are on the spectrum and/or are introverted and quiet. Yet there are men on the other extreme who are way too extroverted and outgoing for me to even be friends with. In general I do not see eye-to-eye with many women here for dating, neither with the men to make friends with. It just seems like I am an outlier here.

I also used to answer honestly when asked about my relationship/sex history. But now, I just ask, "Why do you want to know this?" Over here where I live many people ask questions like that to get information that can be spread to others to make fun of people. I notice that back then when I told someone something, in a week five or more people whom I never even met know stuff about me. There are a lot of "clever" people trying to make gossip. You should probably just ask them why they are asking, and not give information. 

I often get surprised when I find out that there are many older virgins, because being in the environment in which I grew up, I always thought that I would be one of the few and everyone else is normal. But it is true that virginity is only a random thing. It has caused me problems because here where I am this is not accepted very readily. Most people think negatively of older virgins here. But then again, I do not get along much with people here, as I notice when I attend meetups. 

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On 9/26/2019 at 1:23 AM, Lundi_Hvalursson said:

Thanks for that. Chess is not really popular here, although one of the oldest chess clubs in the Western Hemisphere is located downtown here. I do not go to chess clubs anymore because once one gets serious, the only way to improve is to travel internationally to improve, get titles, get higher ranking, etc. Just like golf players, tennis players, footballers, etc., serious chess players need to attend prestigious events round the world if they want any success. Right now I cannot do this because I do not have the funds. When I move to Europe I am going to try to play there and try to fulfill requirements to get the grandmaster title.

In my experience here, very few if any at all women have expressed any interest in chess. It is mostly a thing that they hear and just say "oh" before changing the subject. One time I explained my chess background, and a woman asked, "Chess, that is a game, like cup stacking and blackjack, right?" Maybe they would be more interested in Europe, where chess is very respected.

Maybe it is a matter of location and people. I attend meetups, but it is a very strange dynamic. Here I would say that at the average event, more than 90% of women seem to be neurotypical and outgoing, often liking bars, clubs, dancing, hiking, etc. I do go to bars sometimes, but only for meetups. Clubs, basically never nowadays. I did when I was in university though. But dancing, hiking and those types of activities, never.

In terms of making male friends even, many men seem like they are on the spectrum and/or are introverted and quiet. Yet there are men on the other extreme who are way too extroverted and outgoing for me to even be friends with. In general I do not see eye-to-eye with many women here for dating, neither with the men to make friends with. It just seems like I am an outlier here.

I also used to answer honestly when asked about my relationship/sex history. But now, I just ask, "Why do you want to know this?" Over here where I live many people ask questions like that to get information that can be spread to others to make fun of people. I notice that back then when I told someone something, in a week five or more people whom I never even met know stuff about me. There are a lot of "clever" people trying to make gossip. You should probably just ask them why they are asking, and not give information. 

I often get surprised when I find out that there are many older virgins, because being in the environment in which I grew up, I always thought that I would be one of the few and everyone else is normal. But it is true that virginity is only a random thing. It has caused me problems because here where I am this is not accepted very readily. Most people think negatively of older virgins here. But then again, I do not get along much with people here, as I notice when I attend meetups. 

I think that you trying is the most important part. Not every woman hates chess! I like it although I suck lol. A few months ago a guy was doing a rubiks cube on the train and I started talking to him about it and he showed me how he solved it. He also unicycled and sewed clothing. Too bad he was married! But I would not have noticed him otherwise, and vice versa, if it were not for his rubiks cube.

Bars I can chat with friends are...okay. I HATE clubs. I don't feel like a piece of meat, I feel completely ignored. I have never felt comfortable dressing sexy, so it's always "who let the troll in?" Plus my social anxiety and introversion make it a guaranteed nightmare for me.

There are introvert meetups in my city, perhaps there are some in SF as well. Idk, I tend to zero in on introverts and try to chat with them, there's usually one in a group. I have been really hurt before with trying to make friends, so I think it makes me even more scared to get hurt by someone I want to date.

I think most people everywhere look at older virgins as a negative thing if it's not for religious reasons, even in Japan. It's not really the virginity that's the problem for me, it's what it suggests about me (Is she crazy? Is she abusive? What a loser! etc.). That's what I hate about it.

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1 hour ago, Kogent5 said:

I think that you trying is the most important part. Not every woman hates chess! I like it although I suck lol. A few months ago a guy was doing a rubiks cube on the train and I started talking to him about it and he showed me how he solved it. He also unicycled and sewed clothing. Too bad he was married! But I would not have noticed him otherwise, and vice versa, if it were not for his rubiks cube.

Bars I can chat with friends are...okay. I HATE clubs. I don't feel like a piece of meat, I feel completely ignored. I have never felt comfortable dressing sexy, so it's always "who let the troll in?" Plus my social anxiety and introversion make it a guaranteed nightmare for me.

There are introvert meetups in my city, perhaps there are some in SF as well. Idk, I tend to zero in on introverts and try to chat with them, there's usually one in a group. I have been really hurt before with trying to make friends, so I think it makes me even more scared to get hurt by someone I want to date.

I think most people everywhere look at older virgins as a negative thing if it's not for religious reasons, even in Japan. It's not really the virginity that's the problem for me, it's what it suggests about me (Is she crazy? Is she abusive? What a loser! etc.). That's what I hate about it.

I am quite blunt, which probably puts people off a lot, but when it comes to San Francisco, I have to say the truth. This city is f√ľcked up in so many ways. Not only are so many people here in general just complete judgemental arseholes, but sex and virginity are also given extra importance compared to anywhere else that I have lived or visited.

Without going into too much detail, I found out from several meetups that people kept talking about social events that were essentially sex tutorials in a famous "dungeon" in the eastern part of the city. I was wondering what they were talking about, so I eventually asked someone. Apparently SF is one of the biggest centres of the international porn film production industry, and there is a big studio south of Downtown. When I said that I am not interested in going, people ask, "Why? You scared of sex? You a virgin?" and stuff. If someone is not having sex at least once a week here, they will probably consider the person as "very weird". Imagine if I told those people that I am a virgin at 29.

For a comparison, people have always considered Los Angeles as the most superficial place in California, and probably in the country. Probably even in the Western Hemisphere. San Francisco have recently stolen that title from LA.

I wish that I could meet women who like chess. But chess simply is not a thing here. If I moved to the Soviet Union or the Warsaw Pact countries, or even just any Western European country like Spain, Germany or Italy, I am sure that I could meet many women who would find it a big positive that I played chess.  

Not to mention, chess players have a very poor reputation amongst neurotypical people. If not blatantly eccentric, many chess players also suffer from mental illness. If you consider Bobby Fischer and various Soviet grandmasters, it is no wonder that neurotypical people typically think of chess players as having paranoid schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, amongst other problems.

It is good that you go up to people and talk to them. I rarely do that, unless it is at a meetup where the actual purpose is to socialise and talk to each other. You are probably not as timid as I am. I also have social anxiety, and although it is not as crippling as it was when I was a child/teenager, I still generally do not go up to anyone to talk to them.

I think that I know what you mean about hurt from attempting to make friends. I have met so many people who pretended to be friends but turned out to backstab me in the end, usually by spreading rumours, trying to trick me, etc.

I understand what you mean about clubs, it seems just stupid now. It is guaranteed to have lots of judgemental people there. Clubs are not really known to be autistic people's most favourite place. It probably would be considered the antithesis to an autistic personality. 

But I know what you mean about gravitating towards introverted people. I try to do the same. There are a lot of introverted people here, but they rarely go out. Thus, I do not meet so many. Instead I meet the extroverted people who go out a lot. It is one of two extremes here: either people lock themselves in their room and barely leave, or they go out to bars, clubs and meetups every single day.

I understand what you mean about older virgins who do not even follow religion. One person told me something like, "An atheist virgin past age 25 is like an Orthodox Jew or a strict Moslem who eats pork," meaning that my situation makes absolutely no sense. I have been told by family that I am single and virgin because I want to be like that, not because I cannot change the situation. 

Over here I very rarely meet people who are sympathetic to my situation, and/or are in a similar situation to my own. One thing that I tend to say nowadays if someone makes fun of my being single and/or virgin at 29 is to ask them, "Could you do accomplish all of things that I spent my time doing instead of spending that time on relationships/sex?" They usually get surprised by that retort.

Right now I am less than one month away from my 30th birthday. It is extremely likely that I turn 30 in the same state, just mathematically speaking since there are only 20-something days left until my birthday. But all I can do is accept the situation and I try to improve. One thing I learnt was to determine who really is a friend and who really is trying to just pretend to be a friend and/or make fun of me, and just socialise with the select few who are genuine people.

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On 9/2/2019 at 5:46 PM, Lundi_Hvalursson said:

Hi everyone.

I am a 29 year old male from San Francisco, California, USA who has never been able to have a girlfriend and am still a virgin despite not wanting to be. I turn 30 in October. Since today is the first day of September, I am naturally quite concerned that I will be turning 30 next month being in this state.

I have always been a shy, introverted, anxious and awkward person. Perhaps I spent too much time studying, focussing my entire life up until my mid-20s on studying. I studied two degrees in university, mathematics and pre-med molecular biology, thus having twice the courseload of a regular student. I neglected my entire social life, and had no dating life to speak of. I spent basically the whole day trying to stay afloat with my studies. My only other serious hobbies were and are introverted activities, such as competitive chess and foreign languages. 

When I was around 25 I felt very lonely and sad that I still had never had a girlfriend and was still a virgin. I felt pain knowing that to be a virgin this old as a male is very taboo and looked down upon. I joined meetup groups, met some interesting people, and went on a few dates, but it seemed that women just did not like me.

So here I am at age 29 and 11 months old, still without a girlfriend and still a virgin. I feel very depressed and enormous shame for how I am. I feel depressed as well for feeling missing out on love and sex like most males my age. 

But what really pains me is seeing and hearing comments from women that someone in my situation must be very weird to have always been single and a virgin. Especially since I am not religious, so I am not practising abstinence at all. I just simply ended up this way.

I would like if any female members here have any opinion of this. I have lived most of my life in USA and went to uni in Britain. But my general impression was that both American and British women would find me totally undateable, unattractive and a weird freak due to being single and a virgin at almost 30. I hope my fears are not true though.

Any advice/thoughts would be appreciated.

Hi Lundi_Hvalursson! First, let me say wow! You must be super smart! Congratulations on your hard work and achievements!

Secondly, I want to say that, while it may not seem so, I reckon your study was probably more worth it than pursuing casual relationships. A casual fling might be fun for a night, but knowledge lasts your whole life.

Still, on the matter that's worrying you, I think there's a lot of great advice on this thread. The people who are being derogatory towards you are, simply put, idiots. Their focus on virginity, sex, looks and race are not healthy, and you are better off not being involved with women like that, who are not good for you or for anybody else. Also, as has been mentioned in this thread, by being a virgin, you're not at risk for contracting a disease or ending up with a pregnant woman who didn't take her pill properly.

I don't think it's a bad idea to develop your social life. Now that you've done so well academically, it wouldn't hurt to step back and take up some more communication-based hobbies. Just don't do it with the sole aim of getting a girlfriend, because then it won't work as well. You'll find someone, one day, who won't disrespect you because you're a virgin, won't put you down because of your racial heritage, and will have similar interests to you, and may even be a virgin herself. (There are way more virgins than society admits.) This would be an appropriate person for you, because it would be genuine and not just about the sex, which is fun at the time, but can be depressing when a casual date leaves and you don't see them again.

Above all, don't stop developing your favorite interests. Go for that Grandmaster title! Get a change of scenery! As has also been mentioned on this thread, it's important to love yourself, so that you can love another person.

I don't know if this has helped, but I wish you all the best, and hope you find a special person. It doesn't matter how old you are when it happens; you have nothing to be ashamed of!

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7 hours ago, MargotMontage said:

Hi Lundi_Hvalursson! First, let me say wow! You must be super smart! Congratulations on your hard work and achievements!

Secondly, I want to say that, while it may not seem so, I reckon your study was probably more worth it than pursuing casual relationships. A casual fling might be fun for a night, but knowledge lasts your whole life.

Still, on the matter that's worrying you, I think there's a lot of great advice on this thread. The people who are being derogatory towards you are, simply put, idiots. Their focus on virginity, sex, looks and race are not healthy, and you are better off not being involved with women like that, who are not good for you or for anybody else. Also, as has been mentioned in this thread, by being a virgin, you're not at risk for contracting a disease or ending up with a pregnant woman who didn't take her pill properly.

I don't think it's a bad idea to develop your social life. Now that you've done so well academically, it wouldn't hurt to step back and take up some more communication-based hobbies. Just don't do it with the sole aim of getting a girlfriend, because then it won't work as well. You'll find someone, one day, who won't disrespect you because you're a virgin, won't put you down because of your racial heritage, and will have similar interests to you, and may even be a virgin herself. (There are way more virgins than society admits.) This would be an appropriate person for you, because it would be genuine and not just about the sex, which is fun at the time, but can be depressing when a casual date leaves and you don't see them again.

Above all, don't stop developing your favorite interests. Go for that Grandmaster title! Get a change of scenery! As has also been mentioned on this thread, it's important to love yourself, so that you can love another person.

I don't know if this has helped, but I wish you all the best, and hope you find a special person. It doesn't matter how old you are when it happens; you have nothing to be ashamed of!

I would not consider myself super-smart. I know friends/acquaintances personally who do PhD's, postdoctorates, have degrees in hard subjects like medicine or physics, etc. I am on the lower level when compared to them. But maybe I am comparing myself too much to others again.

Yes, it took me years to realise that people who kept telling me these negative things were the ones with the problem. I think that what confused my judgement was that the majority of people whom I have met act like this and think like this. It seems like most of the women here are in the "extroverted" or "outgoing" camp, and beauty/looks, partying, dancing, sex, etc. define the quality of a person. I fail on all accounts there, so no wonder I do not see eye-to-eye. Likewise, the males here think similarly, and I cannot even make friends with them because they think similarly to the women. After three years of attending meetups here, I have only been on dates with three women (one date per year), where all led nowhere. Despite meeting a lot of people, I have only one, maybe two at the most, male friends. People do not seem to "get" me, and I do not understand them as well. I have had to stop interactions with extended family because they often tell me negative things about my being single and a virgin that people at meetups tell me.

A casual date/fling stuff might be fun (although I cannot confirm from experience), but yes, it is not genuine like something long-term. I am glad that I do not have an STI or got any woman pregnant. Either could have messed up my life, so I have avoided those two dangers.

I had a cousin who died of AIDS in his late 20s. When family speak of him, they say something like, "It is sad what happened to him. But at least he was not a virgin." 

My mother once told me that she had acquaintances/friends decades ago who ended up pregnant due to not using birth control properly. For example, taking the pill, getting stomach upset as a side effect, vomiting the pill then thinking that the pill's effects were still working. Then ended up pregnant as a result. So at least I avoided situations like those.

You are right about self-love. I have always had problems with that because I hear negative comments for years, especially about being single and a virgin. I have been trying to build up self-confidence. I find that when I block out what those women said, I try to think of all my accomplishments. I am not exactly satisfied with what I accomplished and want to accomplish even more, but I am content that I have accomplished what most people cannot. 

I try to improve my social skills at meetups when I can. When I was studying in the UK, I had a much better time socialising when I had the time to do so, and people seemed to accept me more. Looking back, I know now that some women did show interest, but back then not only were my body language skills basically nonexistent, but I was so focussed on studying that I was not even thinking of dating. Now I feel like I have the time to date, but am in the wrong geographical location. 

I would not mind at all meeting a woman who were a virgin. I think that my overall impression was that very few men my age are virgins, and even less women are virgins. Maybe I listened to much to the media and people's comments. I had a friend from a meetup who was a 33 year old virgin. Many people, both male and female, made fun of him regularly and some even refused to befriend him, with their reason being that they do not make friends with virgins. Some people would talk about their sexual experiences of the week, and then ask him, "Oh, you would not know what I am talking about, right?" as an insult/joke. If I socialised with these people, I am sure that I would get similar treatment. 

There are 20-something days left until my 30th birthday. I probably obsess too much about numbers, often feeling the anxiety of entering a new decade being single/virgin. Maybe I have to move to meet women who are kinder and less judgemental. All I know is that I have had bad experiences, a bit of bad luck (if luck exists), and met a lot of unsavoury people. I would like to think that there are women out there who do not care about the single/virginity issue, and maybe are even in my situation too, i.e. the female version of myself. I have built up a lot of resilience and self-confidence in the past weeks. I would hope that this helps me someday.

Edited by Lundi_Hvalursson
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On 9/18/2019 at 12:45 AM, Emmilyyy said:

25 and I havent Even kissed someone since i was 12 out of pure Fear. ūüíÄ its sucks missing out on so much...im sorry but you're not alone in this

 Honestly

This is probably what I hate the most.  The missing out part.  It’s like I’m an outcast.

On the inside and outside I feel so inadequate to others.

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1 hour ago, I need a hero said:

This is probably what I hate the most.  The missing out part.  It’s like I’m an outcast.

On the inside and outside I feel so inadequate to others.

Hi I need a hero!

Well, I can understand the feeling like an outcast bit, since there's been a lot of discussion about it on this thread. I guess the important things to remember are that:

1. If you're made to feel inadequate, it's not your fault, but the fault of the people who made you feel that way, because you wouldn't have felt that way if they hadn't gone out of their way to make you feel it.

2. You're probably not missing out on anything great. Casual sex isn't as good as people want you to think it is, and you will probably be happier if you find someone who wants to be with you and isn't trying to use you.

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1 hour ago, Lundi_Hvalursson said:

I would not consider myself super-smart. I know friends/acquaintances personally who do PhD's, postdoctorates, have degrees in hard subjects like medicine or physics, etc. I am on the lower level when compared to them. But maybe I am comparing myself too much to others again.

Yes, it took me years to realise that people who kept telling me these negative things were the ones with the problem. I think that what confused my judgement was that the majority of people whom I have met act like this and think like this. It seems like most of the women here are in the "extroverted" or "outgoing" camp, and beauty/looks, partying, dancing, sex, etc. define the quality of a person. I fail on all accounts there, so no wonder I do not see eye-to-eye. Likewise, the males here think similarly, and I cannot even make friends with them because they think similarly to the women. After three years of attending meetups here, I have only been on dates with three women (one date per year), where all led nowhere. Despite meeting a lot of people, I have only one, maybe two at the most, male friends. People do not seem to "get" me, and I do not understand them as well. I have had to stop interactions with extended family because they often tell me negative things about my being single and a virgin that people at meetups tell me.

A casual date/fling stuff might be fun (although I cannot confirm from experience), but yes, it is not genuine like something long-term. I am glad that I do not have an STI or got any woman pregnant. Either could have messed up my life, so I have avoided those two dangers.

I had a cousin who died of AIDS in his late 20s. When family speak of him, they say something like, "It is sad what happened to him. But at least he was not a virgin." 

My mother once told me that she had acquaintances/friends decades ago who ended up pregnant due to not using birth control properly. For example, taking the pill, getting stomach upset as a side effect, vomiting the pill then thinking that the pill's effects were still working. Then ended up pregnant as a result. So at least I avoided situations like those.

You are right about self-love. I have always had problems with that because I hear negative comments for years, especially about being single and a virgin. I have been trying to build up self-confidence. I find that when I block out what those women said, I try to think of all my accomplishments. I am not exactly satisfied with what I accomplished and want to accomplish even more, but I am content that I have accomplished what most people cannot. 

I try to improve my social skills at meetups when I can. When I was studying in the UK, I had a much better time socialising when I had the time to do so, and people seemed to accept me more. Looking back, I know now that some women did show interest, but back then not only were my body language skills basically nonexistent, but I was so focussed on studying that I was not even thinking of dating. Now I feel like I have the time to date, but am in the wrong geographical location. 

I would not mind at all meeting a woman who were a virgin. I think that my overall impression was that very few men my age are virgins, and even less women are virgins. Maybe I listened to much to the media and people's comments. I had a friend from a meetup who was a 33 year old virgin. Many people, both male and female, made fun of him regularly and some even refused to befriend him, with their reason being that they do not make friends with virgins. Some people would talk about their sexual experiences of the week, and then ask him, "Oh, you would not know what I am talking about, right?" as an insult/joke. If I socialised with these people, I am sure that I would get similar treatment. 

There are 20-something days left until my 30th birthday. I probably obsess too much about numbers, often feeling the anxiety of entering a new decade being single/virgin. Maybe I have to move to meet women who are kinder and less judgemental. All I know is that I have had bad experiences, a bit of bad luck (if luck exists), and met a lot of unsavoury people. I would like to think that there are women out there who do not care about the single/virginity issue, and maybe are even in my situation too, i.e. the female version of myself. I have built up a lot of resilience and self-confidence in the past weeks. I would hope that this helps me someday.

Well, I'd definitely say you're smart! And you're right; you don't need to compare yourself negatively to others, especially when you can compare yourself positively!

It can be hard to make social connections, unfortunately. I only recently started getting better ones, and it's important to find people who do 'get' you. I hope a change of location can help with this.

Wow, your family need to get better priorities! It's way better to be a virgin and alive, than not a virgin and dead. I mean, sex isn't that wonderful. How could it be?

I think you can cultivate self love. It'll take time, but that's ok, and I think it's great that you're an achiever!

I'm really glad that you've been building up resilience and self confidence, and I truly hope that you can go on from here to lead a satisfying life in every way. All the best!

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On 9/27/2019 at 10:03 PM, Lundi_Hvalursson said:

I am quite blunt, which probably puts people off a lot, but when it comes to San Francisco, I have to say the truth. This city is f√ľcked up in so many ways. Not only are so many people here in general just complete judgemental arseholes, but sex and virginity are also given extra importance compared to anywhere else that I have lived or visited.

Without going into too much detail, I found out from several meetups that people kept talking about social events that were essentially sex tutorials in a famous "dungeon" in the eastern part of the city. I was wondering what they were talking about, so I eventually asked someone. Apparently SF is one of the biggest centres of the international porn film production industry, and there is a big studio south of Downtown. When I said that I am not interested in going, people ask, "Why? You scared of sex? You a virgin?" and stuff. If someone is not having sex at least once a week here, they will probably consider the person as "very weird". Imagine if I told those people that I am a virgin at 29.

For a comparison, people have always considered Los Angeles as the most superficial place in California, and probably in the country. Probably even in the Western Hemisphere. San Francisco have recently stolen that title from LA.

I wish that I could meet women who like chess. But chess simply is not a thing here. If I moved to the Soviet Union or the Warsaw Pact countries, or even just any Western European country like Spain, Germany or Italy, I am sure that I could meet many women who would find it a big positive that I played chess.  

Not to mention, chess players have a very poor reputation amongst neurotypical people. If not blatantly eccentric, many chess players also suffer from mental illness. If you consider Bobby Fischer and various Soviet grandmasters, it is no wonder that neurotypical people typically think of chess players as having paranoid schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, amongst other problems.

It is good that you go up to people and talk to them. I rarely do that, unless it is at a meetup where the actual purpose is to socialise and talk to each other. You are probably not as timid as I am. I also have social anxiety, and although it is not as crippling as it was when I was a child/teenager, I still generally do not go up to anyone to talk to them.

I think that I know what you mean about hurt from attempting to make friends. I have met so many people who pretended to be friends but turned out to backstab me in the end, usually by spreading rumours, trying to trick me, etc.

I understand what you mean about clubs, it seems just stupid now. It is guaranteed to have lots of judgemental people there. Clubs are not really known to be autistic people's most favourite place. It probably would be considered the antithesis to an autistic personality. 

But I know what you mean about gravitating towards introverted people. I try to do the same. There are a lot of introverted people here, but they rarely go out. Thus, I do not meet so many. Instead I meet the extroverted people who go out a lot. It is one of two extremes here: either people lock themselves in their room and barely leave, or they go out to bars, clubs and meetups every single day.

I understand what you mean about older virgins who do not even follow religion. One person told me something like, "An atheist virgin past age 25 is like an Orthodox Jew or a strict Moslem who eats pork," meaning that my situation makes absolutely no sense. I have been told by family that I am single and virgin because I want to be like that, not because I cannot change the situation. 

Over here I very rarely meet people who are sympathetic to my situation, and/or are in a similar situation to my own. One thing that I tend to say nowadays if someone makes fun of my being single and/or virgin at 29 is to ask them, "Could you do accomplish all of things that I spent my time doing instead of spending that time on relationships/sex?" They usually get surprised by that retort.

Right now I am less than one month away from my 30th birthday. It is extremely likely that I turn 30 in the same state, just mathematically speaking since there are only 20-something days left until my birthday. But all I can do is accept the situation and I try to improve. One thing I learnt was to determine who really is a friend and who really is trying to just pretend to be a friend and/or make fun of me, and just socialise with the select few who are genuine people.

It sounds like you are ready to move! I don't understand things like strip clubs or why you would want to go to a dungeon with a group of people. That's an extreme side of sex and someone trying to bully you into an uncomfortable sexual situation sounds like a predator. Your family that makes those weird comments about virginity, did you all grow up in the US? Like

I think you're right about the chess thing. I can only name Bobby Fischer and his strange life. But again, eccentric isn't a turn-off automatically.

I really do not go up to talk people regularly - it was only because he completed a 5x5 rubiks cube. You are less timid then me - you've lived in other countries, you attend meetups, you put yourself out there. Those are things that seem very difficult to me.

I'm Catholic, so the opposite side of it is that I was already supposed to not be a virgin because I should be married with kids by now or at least be a nun.

You are right, so many of us introverts are hiding. It is hard to put yourself out there, so it's very commendable that you do that. I know I have extreme reactions to negative social events; I wish I could just let them roll off my back. Why do I need everyone's acceptance? A lot of times I will listen in on the conversations of people who seem to have it all together and it's about as interesting as wet cement. Give me weirdos and outcasts any day.

Anyways, other than the virginity thing, do you have any other plans for your birthday? I don't think it's a bad idea to have something more positive to focus on.

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1 hour ago, Kogent5 said:

It sounds like you are ready to move! I don't understand things like strip clubs or why you would want to go to a dungeon with a group of people. That's an extreme side of sex and someone trying to bully you into an uncomfortable sexual situation sounds like a predator. Your family that makes those weird comments about virginity, did you all grow up in the US? Like

I think you're right about the chess thing. I can only name Bobby Fischer and his strange life. But again, eccentric isn't a turn-off automatically.

I really do not go up to talk people regularly - it was only because he completed a 5x5 rubiks cube. You are less timid then me - you've lived in other countries, you attend meetups, you put yourself out there. Those are things that seem very difficult to me.

I'm Catholic, so the opposite side of it is that I was already supposed to not be a virgin because I should be married with kids by now or at least be a nun.

You are right, so many of us introverts are hiding. It is hard to put yourself out there, so it's very commendable that you do that. I know I have extreme reactions to negative social events; I wish I could just let them roll off my back. Why do I need everyone's acceptance? A lot of times I will listen in on the conversations of people who seem to have it all together and it's about as interesting as wet cement. Give me weirdos and outcasts any day.

Anyways, other than the virginity thing, do you have any other plans for your birthday? I don't think it's a bad idea to have something more positive to focus on.

I myself was born here in the city, so I am a native San Franciscan born and bred. Most of my family, however, were not born here. Most of my family were not born in Western countries, but rather third-world countries with very backwards cultures.

For example, some family members say that people with ASD are mentally insane and should be locked up in mental institutions for life. Some believe that vegetarians/vegans should not be given the same rights as people who eat meat. Many believe that a woman's place is in the kitchen. And that a real man is a strong, extroverted alpha male who eats a bunch of pork and beef. The more meat and the less vegetables a man eats, the manlier he is. As I said above, I had a cousin who died of AIDS in his 20s. When some family talk of him, they talk about how sad it is, but at least he was not a virgin.

You get the idea. It is more like people have to conform to very antiquated societal norms from past centuries, or be ostracised from society. I chose recently to sever ties with my extended family because I do not want to hear their views about me and my failure to conform. My mother does not believe in any of these things and is also on the spectrum, so I talk with her a lot. Extended family think that she was and is a complete weirdo, and passed her weirdness onto me.

Apparently the "dungeon" is called The Armoury or something, I was told. It is one of the most famous buildings in the international porn industry because of so many films being produced there. And they told me that they give "sex tutorials" there. I am guessing that it is a meetup where they show live with actors/actresses how to perform sex acts, all in front of attendees. This is supposedly a "normal" meetup for San Francisco. The thought of being in the same room with a bunch of strangers in that place watching a "tutorial" gives me chills (from fright, not excitement, to be clear). What makes me feel even more weird is why do so many people whom I know attend these things...

Unfortunately Bobby Fischer is not the only one who had serious mental problems and was a brilliant chess player/World Champion. Some grandmasters are known to have paranoid schizophrenia. Mental illness is quite prevalent amongst chess players. Bobby Fischer is basically the "face" of the game of chess in Western media, so neurotypical people who do not play chess often think that all of us are insane. It is true that most of my chess friends have mental illness, not all do. But again, unfortunately they have problems fitting in society. Most of the older male virgins (and female virgins as well) are chess players. I have a chess friend around my level who just turned 30 a few days ago and is still a virgin. He struggles a lot with his situation as well, and suffers from chronic depression.

When I first attended meetups, I was very nervous, I had to try a lot to manage the anxiety and put myself in a group of people and socialise and talk with them. I started going weekly, and the anxiety gradually decreased as I got used to talking to people. I would recommend trying meetups. It will be very nerve-wracking at first, but when you meet people you forget about the anxiety. I am still very awkward around people, but much less than when I was 26 and had no social life.

Did you go to Catholic school? I was raised Catholic and my official religion on documents is Catholic. I went to a Catholic primary school and taught similar things about virginity. But I was never really religious, and the last time I even attended a mass was during midnight mass at Christmas probably when I was 15. I never really believed in the virginity rules. But still, up to now I am a virgin. Which makes people think that I am super weird because I do not even follow religious values about abstinence.

One thing that I feel that helps is attending meetups with a previous friend, or go in a group of several friends together. It helps you to go with a group and meet people as a group instead of going up to people one by one and introducing yourself.

People really do not respect "weird" here, even though San Francisco has had a perennial reputation of being the place for the weird and the outcasts. But now, it is either tech bros, or very neurotypical "normal" types. The culture is definitely not¬†the hippie counterculture of the 1960s and 1970s.¬†If you were in SF, we could go to meetups as a group so we both have less anxiety¬†ūüėÄ

Just over three weeks left until my 30th birthday. I have been dreading the day that I turn 30 and still am single/virgin, but lately I have accepted that this is just what is going to happen. It is a very bitter pill to swallow, but when thinking about the positives--all the stuff that I accomplished in my 29 years and 11 months on this earth, I realise that this virginity/single issue is just one aspect of many. I have friends who are not virgins but still suffer from depression due to other problems.

One friend whom I know for over 20 years kept teasing me years ago because I was a virgin at age 15 (is that really that old to be a virgin now?!). Then soon after, he got a girl pregnant and they both had to arrange an abortion when both of them were 16. So I have no drama with that, nor sexual diseases like gonorrhea or AIDS. I do not have to worry about getting tested since by definition it is impossible for me to get those diseases. I would hope that some women would appreciate my "clean" sexual health and lack of unwanted children.

Before my birthday I am going to Europe on holiday. I never thought about it when I booked my trip, but now that I think about it, it could be a good opportunity to reflect on my life and enjoy the last month of my 20s. Perhaps the change of scenery, albeit for only two weeks, will give me perspective, and I can calm down from the anxiety of turning 30 in this state. Relaxed sightseeing and maybe meeting the locals there. I return home just days before I turn 30, so maybe I can find some joy in the trip before I come home to the monotony of life here.

Edited by Lundi_Hvalursson
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@Lundi_Hvalursson I feel you brother.  I'm 36, I'm not exactly a virgin though but i dont remember the last time i ever had sex.  for some reason sex just doesn't come to my life easily, well i lied, i know the reason, i'm a really short guy i'm only 5'0" flat, as you can see this defeats the whole stigma that a guy should be at least alpha male material.  I'm not that.  if only all these women would look past that will realize how much i can give.  i just want someone to love me back, i keep telling myself it shouldn't be that hard, i only need one girl out of the billions.  I know i'm not helping, but i just wanna let you know you're not alone.  and hey i'll be 37 in 2 days, yet i'm still single.

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16 hours ago, Lundi_Hvalursson said:

I myself was born here in the city, so I am a native San Franciscan born and bred. Most of my family, however, were not born here. Most of my family were not born in Western countries, but rather third-world countries with very backwards cultures.

For example, some family members say that people with ASD are mentally insane and should be locked up in mental institutions for life. Some believe that vegetarians/vegans should not be given the same rights as people who eat meat. Many believe that a woman's place is in the kitchen. And that a real man is a strong, extroverted alpha male who eats a bunch of pork and beef. The more meat and the less vegetables a man eats, the manlier he is. As I said above, I had a cousin who died of AIDS in his 20s. When some family talk of him, they talk about how sad it is, but at least he was not a virgin.

You get the idea. It is more like people have to conform to very antiquated societal norms from past centuries, or be ostracised from society. I chose recently to sever ties with my extended family because I do not want to hear their views about me and my failure to conform. My mother does not believe in any of these things and is also on the spectrum, so I talk with her a lot. Extended family think that she was and is a complete weirdo, and passed her weirdness onto me.

Apparently the "dungeon" is called The Armoury or something, I was told. It is one of the most famous buildings in the international porn industry because of so many films being produced there. And they told me that they give "sex tutorials" there. I am guessing that it is a meetup where they show live with actors/actresses how to perform sex acts, all in front of attendees. This is supposedly a "normal" meetup for San Francisco. The thought of being in the same room with a bunch of strangers in that place watching a "tutorial" gives me chills (from fright, not excitement, to be clear). What makes me feel even more weird is why do so many people whom I know attend these things...

Unfortunately Bobby Fischer is not the only one who had serious mental problems and was a brilliant chess player/World Champion. Some grandmasters are known to have paranoid schizophrenia. Mental illness is quite prevalent amongst chess players. Bobby Fischer is basically the "face" of the game of chess in Western media, so neurotypical people who do not play chess often think that all of us are insane. It is true that most of my chess friends have mental illness, not all do. But again, unfortunately they have problems fitting in society. Most of the older male virgins (and female virgins as well) are chess players. I have a chess friend around my level who just turned 30 a few days ago and is still a virgin. He struggles a lot with his situation as well, and suffers from chronic depression.

When I first attended meetups, I was very nervous, I had to try a lot to manage the anxiety and put myself in a group of people and socialise and talk with them. I started going weekly, and the anxiety gradually decreased as I got used to talking to people. I would recommend trying meetups. It will be very nerve-wracking at first, but when you meet people you forget about the anxiety. I am still very awkward around people, but much less than when I was 26 and had no social life.

Did you go to Catholic school? I was raised Catholic and my official religion on documents is Catholic. I went to a Catholic primary school and taught similar things about virginity. But I was never really religious, and the last time I even attended a mass was during midnight mass at Christmas probably when I was 15. I never really believed in the virginity rules. But still, up to now I am a virgin. Which makes people think that I am super weird because I do not even follow religious values about abstinence.

One thing that I feel that helps is attending meetups with a previous friend, or go in a group of several friends together. It helps you to go with a group and meet people as a group instead of going up to people one by one and introducing yourself.

People really do not respect "weird" here, even though San Francisco has had a perennial reputation of being the place for the weird and the outcasts. But now, it is either tech bros, or very neurotypical "normal" types. The culture is definitely not¬†the hippie counterculture of the 1960s and 1970s.¬†If you were in SF, we could go to meetups as a group so we both have less anxiety¬†ūüėÄ

Just over three weeks left until my 30th birthday. I have been dreading the day that I turn 30 and still am single/virgin, but lately I have accepted that this is just what is going to happen. It is a very bitter pill to swallow, but when thinking about the positives--all the stuff that I accomplished in my 29 years and 11 months on this earth, I realise that this virginity/single issue is just one aspect of many. I have friends who are not virgins but still suffer from depression due to other problems.

One friend whom I know for over 20 years kept teasing me years ago because I was a virgin at age 15 (is that really that old to be a virgin now?!). Then soon after, he got a girl pregnant and they both had to arrange an abortion when both of them were 16. So I have no drama with that, nor sexual diseases like gonorrhea or AIDS. I do not have to worry about getting tested since by definition it is impossible for me to get those diseases. I would hope that some women would appreciate my "clean" sexual health and lack of unwanted children.

Before my birthday I am going to Europe on holiday. I never thought about it when I booked my trip, but now that I think about it, it could be a good opportunity to reflect on my life and enjoy the last month of my 20s. Perhaps the change of scenery, albeit for only two weeks, will give me perspective, and I can calm down from the anxiety of turning 30 in this state. Relaxed sightseeing and maybe meeting the locals there. I return home just days before I turn 30, so maybe I can find some joy in the trip before I come home to the monotony of life here.

I would say that a lot of women would definitely appreciate your clean sexual health and lack of accidental children. Also, I'm very happy that you've been able to shift your focus to enjoying the last part of your 20s. A European holiday sounds fantastic! I think that relaxing and taking in the sights will really help you.

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1 hour ago, MargotMontage said:

I would say that a lot of women would definitely appreciate your clean sexual health and lack of accidental children. Also, I'm very happy that you've been able to shift your focus to enjoying the last part of your 20s. A European holiday sounds fantastic! I think that relaxing and taking in the sights will really help you.

It is funny that when I was booking the aeroplane tickets for mid-October, I was only thinking at the time, "Seems like the airfare is cheaper in October", so I chose it. Reflecting on it now, this could be a good opportunity for a short escape from the criticism and negative vibe that I get from back here at home.

There are only three weeks left before my 30th birthday so it is more or less inevitable that I turn 30 in this state. There is nothing that I can do about it, so I might as well try to stop worrying about it. I mean, anyone who criticises me for my situation might as well criticise a blind person for not being able to read, or criticise a deaf person for not being able to hear. I would rather spend the closing days of my 20s in a different country than in the toxic environment here anyway.

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I have but a little more than two weeks before I turn 30. After that one time over a month ago when I went to a restaurant with that woman who started talking about birth control, I have had no more dates so far. My obsession with numerical significance and statistics tells me that that it is more than extremely likely that I turn 30 still being single/virgin.

There is very little online dating coach advice specifically for guys on the spectrum. What I am doing instead if just seeing what some of the advice for NT guys is (and of course the advice from here), and pick what makes sense to me and ignore the rest. For example, following the advice about being less serious, but ignoring the advice about quickly escalating touching. If she loses attraction because I do not engage in touching, then so be it. We would not be compatible if that is the case.

I think that after reflecting for weeks on this, looking back, I have probably hated myself for too long. Dealing with social anxiety, generalised anxiety, OCD, sinking in and out of depression depending on life situations, plus the Asperger's have made most of my life, especially my 20s, a psychological torture. But now I realise that I have been to hard on myself. Anything good that I accomplish, I compare with someone else and say well they did even better than I do.

I fail to consider the positives in myself, always focussing on the negatives. Probably due to listening too much to the insults/criticism over the years, especially of the "haha virgin loser" sort of comments. After deep introspection, I truly believe that I have a lot to offer. Maybe I am not the worthless, disgusting person that I always have considered myself to be for decades. Sometimes I feel sad that it seems like here where I am the women whom I meet do not see my positives, or I am just incompatible with so many here. But it is what it is, and I cannot change the past.

I try to look forward to beginning the 30s on a good note. All of the torture of my 20s I think I did not deserve it, but it is what it is. I can only try to change the future.

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On 10/6/2019 at 12:33 AM, Lundi_Hvalursson said:

I have but a little more than two weeks before I turn 30. After that one time over a month ago when I went to a restaurant with that woman who started talking about birth control, I have had no more dates so far. My obsession with numerical significance and statistics tells me that that it is more than extremely likely that I turn 30 still being single/virgin.

There is very little online dating coach advice specifically for guys on the spectrum. What I am doing instead if just seeing what some of the advice for NT guys is (and of course the advice from here), and pick what makes sense to me and ignore the rest. For example, following the advice about being less serious, but ignoring the advice about quickly escalating touching. If she loses attraction because I do not engage in touching, then so be it. We would not be compatible if that is the case.

I think that after reflecting for weeks on this, looking back, I have probably hated myself for too long. Dealing with social anxiety, generalised anxiety, OCD, sinking in and out of depression depending on life situations, plus the Asperger's have made most of my life, especially my 20s, a psychological torture. But now I realise that I have been to hard on myself. Anything good that I accomplish, I compare with someone else and say well they did even better than I do.

I fail to consider the positives in myself, always focussing on the negatives. Probably due to listening too much to the insults/criticism over the years, especially of the "haha virgin loser" sort of comments. After deep introspection, I truly believe that I have a lot to offer. Maybe I am not the worthless, disgusting person that I always have considered myself to be for decades. Sometimes I feel sad that it seems like here where I am the women whom I meet do not see my positives, or I am just incompatible with so many here. But it is what it is, and I cannot change the past.

I try to look forward to beginning the 30s on a good note. All of the torture of my 20s I think I did not deserve it, but it is what it is. I can only try to change the future.

Dude, focus on your Europe trip! I would be planning my itinerary any spare time I had. How exciting for you! I know the old virgin thing is not the greatest "milestone" to reach, but I have survived it and you will too.

You do have a lot going for you and I think the best thing you can focus on for self-improvement is being gentle with yourself. It is something I struggle with every day.

I went out with my best friend, her boyfriend and his coworkers (all male) this Saturday. I might as well have been a hot turd in the sun, the way one of them was treating me, and it's not like the others were overly friendly. I wasn't being flirty or anything either. I was sure I would hate myself the next morning. I was pretty annoyed too because the one guy that was rude smelled really bad and I had actually gone out of my way to be friendly to him because of it. Anyways, next day I felt fine. I tried being friendly, it didn't work. I'll try again with new people. We just have to keep trying.

 

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