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Panicking.


Cent

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So a new thing happened a few days after my last post. My sister wanted to get Japanese food because it was our last day before school so that’s what we ate. When we sat down everything was fine, I didn’t talk a lot because I felt like crap but that’s not anything extraordinary. So then my stepdad asked me “have you applied to any other jobs yet”. He’s been bothering me about this for the past few weeks and it’s freaking me out, but I’ll circle back to that. So I responded “can we not talk about this?” I tried to not sound rude and I honestly don’t think I did but it’s all kind of a blur. So then my mom chimed in and said “he’s just making conversation” to which i just said “I just don’t want to talk about it.” After that my stepdad did his obvious tics for when he’s upset and muttered “this is rediculous.” Those words have sorta been lingering in my head since then. I just didn’t want to talk about it, I’m already stressed as all hell because of existential dread and the ever looming threat of age and responsibility. I think he just doesn’t understand the way I’m feeling because he lived a pretty normal nuclear family life and I didn’t. I don’t know. My mom and I are hopefully going to my therapist on Thursday so hopefully i remember to read this post to her or something. It’s just so hard to talk about because I know she’s gonna just tell me that “life is short so I might as well enjoy it”, like I know but that doesn’t change the way I feel. Anyways.. today was the first day of school and it was fine, reconnected with some people and stuff. I broke my headphones though so that sucks lol. 

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@Cent   Sorry u are feeling this way. Other people are not able to understand it. Im glad your mum will accompany u to the therapist. 

I'll get scared each time my mum raise her voice. I'll be quiet and my heart will be beating fast. I dont know if this is panicking. I cannot even open my mouth to defence myself because I was so scared. 

I hope yr therapy session can help u with this. 

 

Edited by Camellia
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