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20YearsandCounting

How Do You Feel Right Now #11

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I just got back from the vet and will be waiting on bloodwork and will be taking my beagle back tomorrow. They are worried about his liver and kidneys so they are wanting to be sure of some things before giving him any pain meds. Weight loss and loss of appetite to a degree is also a point of concern. I'm not sure what to expect but I know he is up there in age... Him being over 15 now... I know his time is coming and that is what I'm afraid of.

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If I knew mom was going to die I would have just given up and let myself die as well.  There's nothing left for me in this world.  I'm not depressed.  My life is over.  I will never have anyone in my life that cares about me again.  I will never amount to anything.  I want out!

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@sober4life my life is over to. Im just paying the rent and eating to stay alive at this point. There will be no relationship, no kids, no better job, no happy fun trips and vacations, nothing any better than what it is now. 

Edited by watalife

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Madder than hell and so damned tired of fighting, idk that a response is even worth it.

Last spring I was treated so abusively verbally by a clinic benefits counselor, I filed a formal grievance in which I specified I refused to deal with her further.  They formally acknowledged the complaint and that action had been taken.  The head of the clinic even acknowledged my complaint and my demand she never again contact me.  I came to discover from others, including even my own NP, that there were multiple complaints about her.  Heck, her deeds even came up in an effin' Google review of the clinic.  Yet, nothing was ever apparently done.

This afternoon, unbelievably, I received a voicemail from that same woman on another matter.  Yeah, I could make another complaint, but like most issues with the clinic, it would fall on deaf ears.

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They all lie at doctor's offices @MarkintheDarkThey're very quick talkers too and very skilled at lying.  My last 2 doctor's appointments were cancelled without them even notifying me.  With the last one I called the day before to make sure the appointment was still on the schedule and they said they called me to cancel the appointment 3:48 on Friday.  Why did they say it that way because if they said 3:30 or 4 oclock I would look on my phone but who would lie so specifically as 3:48 well guess what I still looked and they lied.  People in settings like that say whatever they have to say to get us off the phone or out the door and then they forget all about us.  They don't care about complaints.  They would care if there was legal action but anything short of that and they don't care.  All they care about is making sure the waiting room is full of patients.

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3 hours ago, watalife said:

@sober4life my life is over to. Im just paying the rent and eating to stay alive at this point. There will be no relationship, no kids, no better job, no happy fun trips and vacations, nothing any better than what it is now. 

I know this is all the better it gets for me too.  I'm not well enough to hold a job this time of year.  I work hard 9 months of the year and hope I have enough money to survive the winter every year.  My job now is going through mom's room and slipping farther away each day.

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Found a photo of my ex fiance and I. Only one we ever took together since neither of us liked photos much. I looked pretty. And happy. We looked so happy. Everything looked happy.  And now neither of us are happy.

If I get the guts to I might post it in the gallery. I don't know.

Edited by PraiseBrownies

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13 hours ago, ladysmurf said:

I feel very lonely and alone. Like no one gets what I am going through in my daily life. the doctors "claim" to understand, but i don't think they do. all i really have is this forum and people i've met on here who i can relate to, aside from that it's a pretty lonely world for me, and i know things will never change ..i've just gotten tired of this pain

I understand what you mean. It's horrible and painful, and I wish it were better for you, and for all of us.

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13 hours ago, sober4life said:

I feel the same way.  The only people that care about me are here.  If this place was real life I would have a wonderful life but it's not.  In real life I die under a bridge somewhere or take my life because I can't take it anymore.  In either scenario there will be someone stealing my wallet at the end.

I wish we had this in real life, too. :hugs:

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10 hours ago, SqueezeWax said:

I had my final appointment with my psychologist today. I'm sad, but I could be feeling worse. The fact that the frequency of our appointments had tapered off so dramatically (due to his decreasing availability) over the year made it less hard to leave him than it could have been. That was the reason why I decided not to continue after the end of this year. It was entirely my decision. I thought it best to end once I graduated, too. He didn't seem surprised. He probably saw this coming. 

Working with him had been the most positive and productive experience I've had with the mental health industry in four years since I reentered treatment for depression. I'm going to miss him.

I'm sorry you had to leave him, but I"m really happy it was so good for you!

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8 hours ago, roadking02 said:

I just got back from the vet and will be waiting on bloodwork and will be taking my beagle back tomorrow. They are worried about his liver and kidneys so they are wanting to be sure of some things before giving him any pain meds. Weight loss and loss of appetite to a degree is also a point of concern. I'm not sure what to expect but I know he is up there in age... Him being over 15 now... I know his time is coming and that is what I'm afraid of.

I'm sorry, roadking02. I know how hard this must be for you, especially at your beagle's advanced age. I hope the lil' guy is ok, and that you will both get through the holidays alright. To be fair, if it's hip dysplasia or the like, it'll really hurt, but won't be the end of him. The liver and kidneys are more of an issue if he needs painkillers, but this isn't a death sentence, (even though it's impossible not to worry.) I'll be wishing for the best for the both of you!

Edited by MargotMontage

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7 hours ago, sober4life said:

If I knew mom was going to die I would have just given up and let myself die as well.  There's nothing left for me in this world.  I'm not depressed.  My life is over.  I will never have anyone in my life that cares about me again.  I will never amount to anything.  I want out!

I understand how you feel.

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4 hours ago, MarkintheDark said:

Madder than hell and so damned tired of fighting, idk that a response is even worth it.

Last spring I was treated so abusively verbally by a clinic benefits counselor, I filed a formal grievance in which I specified I refused to deal with her further.  They formally acknowledged the complaint and that action had been taken.  The head of the clinic even acknowledged my complaint and my demand she never again contact me.  I came to discover from others, including even my own NP, that there were multiple complaints about her.  Heck, her deeds even came up in an effin' Google review of the clinic.  Yet, nothing was ever apparently done.

This afternoon, unbelievably, I received a voicemail from that same woman on another matter.  Yeah, I could make another complaint, but like most issues with the clinic, it would fall on deaf ears.

It makes me so angry to hear stories like this. They're not uncommon. It seems like when it's marginalized folk complaining, the privileged folk don't really care.

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1 minute ago, PraiseBrownies said:

Posted the picture in my album. We were just too cute to pass up (and i need to move on somehow) and now y'all can see what I look like 🤣

It's a nice picture. Thank you for sharing.

I know it's hard, but one day, somebody else will love you, and they will not treat you the wrong way or gaslight you. I can see you are a pretty young woman. Don't let anybody convince you otherwise. Remember you're worth something. Hang in there till you're not a minor anymore and you can take your own path in life.

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