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20YearsandCounting

How Do You Feel Right Now #11

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7 hours ago, PraiseBrownies said:

I miss having friends. I used to have so many online friends and so many friends in my in-person life. But my online friends grew up and drifted away (As I expected) and my real life friends started excluding me from things and pushing me away without any reason and the ones that are left are just exhausting to be around. Since I lost my relationship I'm stuck in a very lonely existence without many friends and with a family that's a double-edged sword. 

I appreciate all you guys a lot but I guess what I'm trying to say i that I really do need friends around my age. But people don't really like me. I don't know why. 

"Friends" are people who contact you only to borrow money. More money, more friends because they can guilt you into lending them hundreds, even thousands of dollars on the grounds of 'freindship' & you not hurrying them to repay the money back.

So make it known that you has lots of spare money is the way to have more friends, sadly

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Found a photo of my ex fiance and I. Only one we ever took together since neither of us liked photos much. I looked pretty. And happy. We looked so happy. I was promised the world. A future. Safety. 

Edited by PraiseBrownies

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10 hours ago, PraiseBrownies said:

I miss having friends. I used to have so many online friends and so many friends in my in-person life. But my online friends grew up and drifted away (As I expected) and my real life friends started excluding me from things and pushing me away without any reason and the ones that are left are just exhausting to be around. Since I lost my relationship I'm stuck in a very lonely existence without many friends and with a family that's a double-edged sword. 

I appreciate all you guys a lot but I guess what I'm trying to say i that I really do need friends around my age. But people don't really like me. I don't know why. 

That's ok, everyone needs friends their age! Nobody will be offended here. However, many people find that 'people don't really like them', which seems weird, but it's true. You're not alone. I know this doesn't help much, but at least you know it isn't just you!

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3 hours ago, iWantRope said:

"Friends" are people who contact you only to borrow money. More money, more friends because they can guilt you into lending them hundreds, even thousands of dollars on the grounds of 'freindship' & you not hurrying them to repay the money back.

So make it known that you has lots of spare money is the way to have more friends, sadly

It sounds like you;ve had a very bad experience.

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Feeling crappy. My car got stuck in a hole in the parking lot at work and my boss had to push it out with his truck. Hence, I could not take my son to his therapy appointment and he is annoyed at me.

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Hell. Hard to know when I'll go out of here. This days I hate myself so bad that I don't care of myself, bad eating, bad sleeping, not even want to take a shower, I feel bad, hopeless, I just want to run away from everything.

Edited by nothing_man

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2 hours ago, nothing_man said:

Hell. Hard to know when I'll go out of here. This days I hate myself so bad that I don't care of myself, bad eating, bad sleeping, not even want to take a shower, I feel bad, hopeless, I just want to run away from everything.

We are in the same boat.  I find everything is hard to do.

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On 12/16/2019 at 1:53 PM, sober4life said:

I feel the same way.  If I didn't have to put up with people the holidays would be great but instead they put thoughts in my mind of how will I survive the holidays around these people?  Other people seem happy but it's basically like me opening up the lid to the septic tank and jumping in for the day and coming out with a smile.

Well said Sober.  

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On 12/16/2019 at 1:47 PM, Tilted said:

Anhedonia and depersonalization remain unchanged, but this time of year the anxiety and irritability spike with all the holiday stress. How nice.

Damn.  I feel for you.

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22 hours ago, sober4life said:

If you ask yourself that question it means you have regrets, remorse and a conscience.  It means you're a good person and you deserve to be forgiven.  I know you're a good person and I know you're being too hard on yourself.  

I agree. The thought that you are asking that question says a lot about yourself.

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I feel very lonely and alone. Like no one gets what I am going through in my daily life. the doctors "claim" to understand, but i don't think they do. all i really have is this forum and people i've met on here who i can relate to, aside from that it's a pretty lonely world for me, and i know things will never change ..i've just gotten tired of this pain

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19 minutes ago, ladysmurf said:

I feel very lonely and alone. Like no one gets what I am going through in my daily life. the doctors "claim" to understand, but i don't think they do. all i really have is this forum and people i've met on here who i can relate to, aside from that it's a pretty lonely world for me, and i know things will never change ..i've just gotten tired of this pain

I feel the same way.  The only people that care about me are here.  If this place was real life I would have a wonderful life but it's not.  In real life I die under a bridge somewhere or take my life because I can't take it anymore.  In either scenario there will be someone stealing my wallet at the end.

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17 minutes ago, sober4life said:

I feel the same way.  The only people that care about me are here.  If this place was real life I would have a wonderful life but it's not.  In real life I die under a bridge somewhere or take my life because I can't take it anymore.  In either scenario there will be someone stealing my wallet at the end.

i am really sorry. i am glad for the people i've met on here throughout the years because i know they understand me far more than doctors, but i also feel bad because we can relate to the painful reality of this illness, and it's not an easy way to live..

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Taking my beagle to the vet this afternoon. He's 15 and just over the last 2 weeks has been having some issues getting around. I suspect it's arthritis or hip dysplasia due to his age and the colder weather. I'm not sure what will happen but with it being the holidays there certainly isn't much of a "jolly" moment I've had this winter. I've been very busy with work and will be working Christmas Eve and will not be spending time with my family other than my parents. As far as the stuff with my dog goes, he really started giving me a scare last night and this morning.

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50 minutes ago, ladysmurf said:

i am really sorry. i am glad for the people i've met on here throughout the years because i know they understand me far more than doctors, but i also feel bad because we can relate to the painful reality of this illness, and it's not an easy way to live..

I'm glad I met the people here too.  I'm done with people in real life.  I will never trust anyone again.  I know from experience the ones that are eager to help in real life are trying to manipulate me.  I have something they want and my head is the step to get there.

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I'm just feeling strange. Not amazing, but not awful. SI has actually been really, really bad to the point where I almost did something but I realized that the only thing hurting myself would do was hurt people so I can't even escape that way, not that it's a good escape at all. I'm just going through the motions and trying to smile when I can but I feel alone.

At the same time, there's just this odd sense of hope and I keep socializing and being friendly and cracking jokes and I can't tell if it's forced or not. It's like my own head can't decide if it's been stabbed or if it's fully recovered. 

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I had my final appointment with my psychologist today. I'm sad, but I could be feeling worse. The fact that the frequency of our appointments had tapered off so dramatically (due to his decreasing availability) over the year made it less hard to leave him than it could have been. That was the reason why I decided not to continue after the end of this year. It was entirely my decision. I thought it best to end once I graduated, too. He didn't seem surprised. He probably saw this coming. 

Working with him had been the most positive and productive experience I've had with the mental health industry in four years since I reentered treatment for depression. I'm going to miss him.

Edited by SqueezeWax

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Yes, life feels like hell right now.  But I'm going to say, even if the year 2020 will try to bury me--I'm going to battle.  We don't deserve all of this s**t!  We deserve to be happy, feel loved, feel secure and safe.  I'll go down fighting.  This intolerable life isn't fair!!  We're feeling these unspeakable pains and horrors, yet we're filled with love--love for others.  We're kind.  Whatever the bleep has its hands pressing on us, gotta do something to get that pressure off us...  I don't have the answers.  I'm without my mom now.  Things have gotten worst.  All I got is pain, and a need to fight and get this darkness off me.  

I need to see that one happy day.

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