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20YearsandCounting

How Do You Feel Right Now #11

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9 minutes ago, ladysmurf said:

you still have many things to look forward to, don't the breakup bring you down. no one is worth your tears, pain , or suffering ..you are still young, and you will get over him and find a nicer person who will accept you for who you are ..

It's not just the breakup. It's the fact that I was finally able to trust someone again and them they snapped it in half. It's the fact that no matter what I do it is inevitable that I will hurt someone. Humans are hurtful by nature, whether on purpose or not. You may feel good about yourself for reporting abusive parents to cps but you forget that the kid gets hit harder when the parents find out. Everyone hurts everyone, and there is no escape- not even death because dying hurts everyone. I can look forward to being a pastry chef or whatever all I like, or look forward to a new boyfriend, but that won't change that humanity is awful and is always going to cause hurt alongside their amazing kindness. 

Humans are absolutely beautiful and amazing. They're also monstrous.

Edited by PraiseBrownies

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2 minutes ago, PraiseBrownies said:

It's not just the breakup. It's the fact that I was finally able to trust someone again and them they snapped it in half. It's the fact that no matter what I do it is inevitable that I will hurt someone. Humans are hurtful by nature, whether on purpose or not. You may feel good about yourself for reporting abusive parents to cps but you forget that the kid gets hit harder when the parents find out. Everyone hurts everyone, and there is no escape- not even death because dying hurts everyone. I can look forward to being a pastry chef or whatever all I like, or look forward to a new boyfriend, but that won't change that humanity is awful and is always going to cause hurt alongside their amazing kindness. 

I know, but sadly that's just the nature of humans like you said. It took me a while to believe it too, but it's true. Humans are cruel that's why I prefer animals. The majority of people that I met just passed by my life..I barely talk to them, I haven't talked to some in decades..everyone is bad, we're all bad in someone else's story (so I am not perfect person either) .. Although I have met some people in my lifetime that were very helpful, supportive, and there for me when I needed them.  And then the majority sadly got what they wanted from me, and left. It's just life. All you can hope for is that you will meet some good people along the way, that will make up for the bad people we met along the way, and help you see and believe that some good people do exist out there.

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On 12/14/2019 at 11:08 AM, bbwolf said:

when it rains it pours, a friend of nearly 50 years had a heart attack and passed away yesterday, thats 4 friends i lost since thanksgiving

 

Oh damn! I'm very sorry. As if you needed any more grief in your life... 😞

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I'm throwing in the towel and admitting defeat with my job. I simply am not able to "perform duties as required." I might be able to get my old position back because the person currently filling it is retiring early next year. That would be a big cut in pay however...and I'm already flat broke with no "luxuries" like wi fi, or cable. I drive an old beater of a car that is on its last legs, but it is paid for.

I gotta make a change. I can't continue like this.

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I don't really know how I'm feeling. I feel lighter after talking to people. But not happier. I'm angry at being lied to. I'm also forgiving. My guts are all over the floor and I'm just staring at them because they're dirty and gross and I don't really want to shove them into my body again and start holding all my feelings back. I'm not coping so much as I am just... walking. Maybe in circles. 

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18 minutes ago, PraiseBrownies said:

I don't really know how I'm feeling. I feel lighter after talking to people. But not happier. I'm angry at being lied to. I'm also forgiving. My guts are all over the floor and I'm just staring at them because they're dirty and gross and I don't really want to shove them into my body again and start holding all my feelings back. I'm not coping so much as I am just... walking. Maybe in circles. 

I'm glad you are here to tell us about how you feel at least. You have a great knack for metaphor, by the way.

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Anhedonia and depersonalization remain unchanged, but this time of year the anxiety and irritability spike with all the holiday stress. How nice.

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3 minutes ago, Tilted said:

Anhedonia and depersonalization remain unchanged, but this time of year the anxiety and irritability spike with all the holiday stress. How nice.

I feel the same way.  If I didn't have to put up with people the holidays would be great but instead they put thoughts in my mind of how will I survive the holidays around these people?  Other people seem happy but it's basically like me opening up the lid to the septic tank and jumping in for the day and coming out with a smile.

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12 hours ago, PraiseBrownies said:

How do you forgive yourself? I've never been able to and I've never had to but I have to in order to move forward in my life. How does one do it?

If you ask yourself that question it means you have regrets, remorse and a conscience.  It means you're a good person and you deserve to be forgiven.  I know you're a good person and I know you're being too hard on yourself.  

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13 hours ago, watalife said:

My Christmas spirit has left the building. What a ridiculous holiday :xmas_wink:

Agreed. It serves primarily to drive people into a crazy consumer frenzy.  And the music generally sucks too. 

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12 hours ago, PraiseBrownies said:

How do you forgive yourself? I've never been able to and I've never had to but I have to in order to move forward in my life. How does one do it?

@sober4life answered it best. Just by asking it shows a degree of conscience that some people completely lack. I'm trying to redeem myself by being as helpful as possible to others. I could write a long blog entry on it I suppose...but I'm even taking care of my ex wife right now because she became disabled. 

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Most of my mind is dormant today. My daughter worked until midnight and by the time I drove her and a coworker home, it was 1 a.m. It's amazing how much your body depends on a particular sleep cycle. 

Instead of jet lag today, I've got minivan lag.

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I miss having friends. I used to have so many online friends and so many friends in my in-person life. But my online friends grew up and drifted away (As I expected) and my real life friends started excluding me from things and pushing me away without any reason and the ones that are left are just exhausting to be around. Since I lost my relationship I'm stuck in a very lonely existence without many friends and with a family that's a double-edged sword. 

I appreciate all you guys a lot but I guess what I'm trying to say i that I really do need friends around my age. But people don't really like me. I don't know why. 

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Truly trying to pull it together today, even if only for a couple hours.   In that vein, showered/shaved.  But have been fighting an anxiety attack since morning.  Rest of the day may be a test of handling the hypotension, too, if I don't get at least one cup of coffee in me.  Operating on semi-automatic and just not inclined to feel anything because I know where those feelings will lead.

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