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20YearsandCounting

How Do You Feel Right Now #11

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Yeah I do feel lonely and I went around people today which quickly leads to I have to get out of here!  Craving being around people is like craving a drug.  There are no good parts but the mind says we have to have it!  Then the mind says run for your life 5 seconds after seeing anyone.

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I wish I was the kinda guy who could switch off and not worry about things I have no control over. Course  I know how unrealistic that is, wellbeing is an inside outside thing. It's the chemicals in our brains and our experiences and perceptions of the world around us. Politically, my perception of the world around me is quite dire and I can't see it improving for some time. 

I don't know how many people areound here are UK based, but whatever. It was the general election on Thursday. It was hyped as the biggest general election in a generation, and its biggest issue, Brexit. Not health, education, mental health, the environment, homelessness, poverty, welfare, crime, the econmy - none of that, just Brexit, sticking our fingers up at our neighbourgs is more important than the rest of our problems. Now I expected to hate the result of the election and I do. I'd love to be wrong but if the last nine years is anything to go by, I can't see anything improving in this country for the majority of people, only worse.  Again, I'd love to be wrong. Course things will improve for the rich, that goes without saying. I expected to hate the result, I expected to be angry and upset, but when you expect it you'd think there'd be a degree of acceptance there? I didn't expect this, I feel like I've been hit for six, I've been flattened. Course it's not like I expected everything to be rainbows and sunshine if we got the result I wanted - just less toxic. Less hate, division and hostility, a bit more compassion. Nationalism has been on the rise again here, and there's ot a great deal I can see to be proud of.

At the same time, I kinda think I've made it a bigger deal than it ought to be. Yeah, there are worse governments and worse countries to live in. I know, not exactly helpful but whatever. Depression doesn't give a shit, could be anyone anywhere. It's not something you have to earn a right to, it's nothing to be guilty about. I'm probably preaching to the converted here anyway, hopefully nobody here thinks like that, but people do. Urgh.

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On the bright side, cos there is one sometimes... I've been seriously neglecting my overall health due to my depression for ages. Feel lke I've hit the point where it's finally time to address my other health issues.

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I'm so- I'm so ****ing angry 

I look back and all i can think of are LIES. "I always loved you" and "You mean everything to me" and "I wanna marry you" and "Let's just be friends"  and "You're my best friend." Talking about me behind my back, calling me a manipulator and abuser and saying I was taking advantage of his family,  saying "Yes, I'm sorry for lying and hurting you and I'll never lie again" when i asked if he was sure he wanted me to move back in a million times a month ago

The terrible things that were done, getting angry at me for holding things in only to get upset when i did as he said and let it out, telling me how much he hated his lying exes only to lie himself, saying I was the manipulator when he lied to me knowing that there were no consequences because I always forgive

And yet

 

I don't have the heart to hate him. I don't have the heart, the ability, the capacity to hate. 

What did I do to deserve this? Haven't I seen enough abuse, lost enough trust in people? I'm not even an adult. What did I do to spite god or the gods or my ancestors or whatever is hurting me?

Edited by PraiseBrownies

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2 hours ago, bbwolf said:

major anxiety attack building

 

Many of us know EXACTLY what you're feeling, particularly that innate sense of an impending attack.  I hope this one isn't a major one for you.  Certainly I'd encourage you to jus' let it all out here (or elsewhere) by sharing what you can.  Heck, even start your own thread.  That kinda thing has helped me a lot...believe me, I've needed a lot of help this year.

I have to add that losing four friends since Thanksgiving, particularly one of 50 years, is almost unimaginable.  I'm 64 and have been through similar periods, but certainly nothing like the smackdown you've just experienced.  If writing about them here or elsewhere is helpful, do it.  Sometimes I have had to post here, trying to focus through tears...but at least not all of it was being bottled up.

Let us know how we can help you. :console:

Edited by MarkintheDark

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22 minutes ago, PraiseBrownies said:

I'm so- I'm so ****ing angry 

Even an ol' fart like me can remember at various times in his life going thru all the conflicting emotions you're having right now.  I know how raw the pain can be.  And that's even before the families' involvement.

One thing I've noticed you've always done here is to jus' lay it all out.  You honor us by trusting us with your guts...as conflicted as the feelings might be.  You lay it all out anyway.  Though you may not be feeling it right now, that says a lot about how much of a fighter you are.  From this side of the screen, I see that as an admirable quality.

Please keep posting.

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3 hours ago, PraiseBrownies said:

I'm so- I'm so ****ing angry 

I look back and all i can think of are LIES. "I always loved you" and "You mean everything to me" and "I wanna marry you" and "Let's just be friends"  and "You're my best friend." Talking about me behind my back, calling me a manipulator and abuser and saying I was taking advantage of his family,  saying "Yes, I'm sorry for lying and hurting you and I'll never lie again" when i asked if he was sure he wanted me to move back in a million times a month ago

The terrible things that were done, getting angry at me for holding things in only to get upset when i did as he said and let it out, telling me how much he hated his lying exes only to lie himself, saying I was the manipulator when he lied to me knowing that there were no consequences because I always forgive

And yet

 

I don't have the heart to hate him. I don't have the heart, the ability, the capacity to hate. 

What did I do to deserve this? Haven't I seen enough abuse, lost enough trust in people? I'm not even an adult. What did I do to spite god or the gods or my ancestors or whatever is hurting me?

I can only imagine what you are going through..just want to say that you’re a very strong person..it’s tough to try to pick yourself back up..I had those terrible dark days before and I never wish it on anyone..take your time to put your life back together take one step at a time..its unfair how life treat us..you will survive somehow, we are here to listen to you..

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3 hours ago, MarkintheDark said:

One thing I've noticed you've always done here is to jus' lay it all out.  You honor us by trusting us with your guts...as conflicted as the feelings might be.  You lay it all out anyway.

I'm a lot of things, but I would never want to be a liar. Always hated the concept of lying of deception for personal gain, and if I say nothing or say I'm fine, they're both lies and a way for me to ignore my emotions and ignore coping with them. Thus, spilling my guts. Just... don't step on them. Intestines are pretty long and hard to put back in without the footsteps. 

5 minutes ago, Depressedgurl007 said:

its unfair how life treat us

I think all of us here deserve better than to be mentally ill, but here we are anyways. We do what we must to survive, even if life is unfair. 

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18 hours ago, bbwolf said:

when it rains it pours, a friend of nearly 50 years had a heart attack and passed away yesterday, thats 4 friends i lost since thanksgiving

 

This sucks.   I feel for you.  

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16 minutes ago, bbwolf said:

soon i'll be out of friends and wont have anyone to lose anymore

 

I'm really sorry. I already am out of friends.......I lost most of them when I lost my life to this illness ...no one cares when you can't offer them things to be your friend, but when you do, they all love you ...how sad..

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20 minutes ago, ladysmurf said:

I'm really sorry. I already am out of friends.......I lost most of them when I lost my life to this illness ...no one cares when you can't offer them things to be your friend, but when you do, they all love you ...how sad..

i lost most of my fair weather Friends as well long ago, the friends i  have are all disabled or handicapped in some way and experienced being abandoned by fair weather friends as well, my friend that just passed had severe diabetes and was on a waiting list for kidney transplant, 

 

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I'm feeling good! We have our Christmas tree up, a beautiful wreath and holiday lights.. it's very festive feeling at our house, so I finally feel a bit of Christmas spirit in me now. I detest all the commercialism of Christmas and I hate Christmas songs playing constantly everywhere... it's shoved down your throat. I'd much rather volunteer my time at a homeless soup kitchen than give gifts, which we did one year by my suggestion. And my family way overdoes Christmas with far too many family events and gatherings,  but now that I am married, I have an excuse to not attend all events, lol. I love my family, but my mother drives me nuts most of the time. But I LOVE Christmas lights, I LOVE all the lights you see on homes and stores.... it puts me in a great mood and makes me want hot chocolate and to go sledding!!! Hehehee. 

I also had a great convo with my CEO again on Friday at our company holiday party. I hope he promotes me..... he said we should talk more. So that's a positive! 

 

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They say pain gets easier over time. I'm still not over my parents hurting me when I was really little a decade ago. I've lost my innocence, my happiness, my childhood (though I never had much of one.) It doesn't get easier. Even now, with this stupid fiance breakup and moving in with my parents again, I'm only content with my life because i have nothing to look forward to.

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44 minutes ago, PraiseBrownies said:

They say pain gets easier over time. I'm still not over my parents hurting me when I was really little a decade ago. I've lost my innocence, my happiness, my childhood (though I never had much of one.) It doesn't get easier. Even now, with this stupid fiance breakup and moving in with my parents again, I'm only content with my life because i have nothing to look forward to.

you still have many things to look forward to, don't the breakup bring you down. no one is worth your tears, pain , or suffering ..you are still young, and you will get over him and find a nicer person who will accept you for who you are ..

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2 hours ago, sober4life said:

Yeah I would still go sledding.  I'm still a kid at heart.  I dressed up and went trick or treating until I was 25.  There's absolutely nothing good about growing up.

i agree. not many things are cool about growing up, because when you become an adult the responsibilities are way more and life gets harder. especially if you don't have your health, or a support system you can truly count on ..life can get very difficult to handle..my anxiety and depression make it very difficult to handle and cope with many things life has thrown at me. however, i still do certain things that i did when i was a kid/teenager, and i don't care if others make fun of me.

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