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20YearsandCounting

How Do You Feel Right Now #11

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31 minutes ago, sober4life said:

Not a chance.  If my name was on the mortgage for the house I would just move back in like Walt did on Breaking Bad.

I often get told that I look like Walter White. Especially when I'm wearing my brimmed hat. I didn't know what people were talking about until I borrowed the first season of Breaking Bad from the library (I don't have cable or wi fi at home).

Edited by JD4010

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1 hour ago, JD4010 said:

Sorry my friend. I kinda understand.  I'm on half the mortgage for the house where my ex and daughter still live. I live in a dump of an apartment with leaky windows. I never know if I'm going to make rent from one month to the next. I seriously considered moving the cats and myself into the minivan over the summer. It's still a possibility.

 

i inherited a camper trailer from my dad when i went to go get it i found out my sister had sold it, that alone wouldve helped me out alot

 

 

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23 minutes ago, sober4life said:

Not a chance.  If my name was on the mortgage for the house I would just move back in like Walt did on Breaking Bad.

i should but i could stand to be there

 

 

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My supervisor where I volunteer suggested I apply for this job that I am woefully unqualified for (it's the type of job listing I would skip because pretty much none of it describes me). He said it would be good practice since I will start job-hunting in the New Year (and he even got my hopes up since he will be one of the people overseeing the hiring process), but I know it's going to massively hurt when they choose someone else.

I love where I volunteer, I love the cause, I love the people there. Pretty much the only thing I hate is that I can't be there every day. They don't hire much either because their budget is so tight.

I'm just so sad. I was telling my friend that there's nothing I can offer that other people can't do better. I just feel a bit like sticking my head in the oven 😦

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Conflicted. So many mixed emotions. Stuck in such a strange position. I don't want to be here. I miss the cats. It's cold. I can't sleep alone. When will a therapist finally email be back? I'm so touch starved. The tears just spontaneously start and stop. I smiled at him today and got a smile back. He held my hand and kissed my forehead and told me he loved me. I don't want to be here. I don't have a home to go to. I don't have a family I belong to. I don't have a purpose. I'm just here. Breathing. Blinking. Waiting for more tears. Everyone is telling me different things. "You can't help how you feel" vs. "You can choose how you feel." What's the truth?

Last night being alone hurt so much that for the first time in almost a decade I crawled into my father's bed and asked to spend the night because I was afraid. Of being alone with my own thoughts. 

Edited by PraiseBrownies

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20 hours ago, nojoy said:

Nope.. I hate Christmas.  because there were always arguments or hurt feelings when I was growing up. Its going to be more difficult for me this year, since my daughter left. We always made cookies, and prepped for dinner with the family. 

My therapist asked if I had a plan of what I would do when I became overwhelmed or just ready to head for the hole of hell. 

Same thing  with my family past, present, and maybe future.  My mom passed on Christmas Eve back in 1997 so it's an awful time even though she was extremely violent.  

I just have to add this.  When I tell doctors my mom was violent they defend her.  They make excuses for her.  

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17 hours ago, sober4life said:

I won't see anyone on Christmas this year.  Nobody cares about me and I doubt I'll even get a phone call. 

Yea, family does not even phone anymore.  I phone them but no one is home.

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I feel awful miserable and alone I’m so sick of trying and trying but nothing ever gets better...no matter what I do I canr make friends and no one ever seems to like me, and no matter how hard I try or work I’m just a failure and always mess everything up..sorry if this isn’t the right place to post this but I don’t know how things really work here I jusr need to vent a bit

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2 hours ago, Derendia said:

I feel awful miserable and alone I’m so sick of trying and trying but nothing ever gets better...no matter what I do I canr make friends and no one ever seems to like me, and no matter how hard I try or work I’m just a failure and always mess everything up..sorry if this isn’t the right place to post this but I don’t know how things really work here I jusr need to vent a bit

This is the perfect place to post such a message. Sorry you are having such a difficult time. Please keep posting to let us know how you are doing!

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My family tends to keep holidays pretty plain and simple, which is good for me. As far as Christmas I don't go crazy buying people gifts or anything, only for the my nieces and nephews , other than that, I don't want to waste time driving to buy people gifts. I don't get why people make such a big deal of it, it's just a day it will pass. It's better that you have company to spend the day with, than a bunch of presents. 

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46 minutes ago, ladysmurf said:

My family tends to keep holidays pretty plain and simple, which is good for me. As far as Christmas I don't go crazy buying people gifts or anything, only for the my nieces and nephews , other than that, I don't want to waste time driving to buy people gifts. I don't get why people make such a big deal of it, it's just a day it will pass. It's better that you have company to spend the day with, than a bunch of presents. 

Christmas became a very negative time for me while I was still married. My ex would criticize each and every gift I bought her. It was never good enough. After a few years of that, I began to completely dread the holiday and would drink myself stupid just to keep myself blacked out until it was over. I now spend Christmas with my cats and I'm infinitely happier as a result. It still churns up bad memories for me, but at least they are now only memories.

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6 hours ago, Ratvan said:

Feeling like I should leave this country now 

I've been feeling the same way...but in my case, it's the US I'd be moving from. It has become a very ugly society. It's easy to blame the current occupant of the White House, but he's only a symptom of the horrible disease that has infected this place.

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2 hours ago, JD4010 said:

Christmas became a very negative time for me while I was still married. My ex would criticize each and every gift I bought her. It was never good enough. After a few years of that, I began to completely dread the holiday and would drink myself stupid just to keep myself blacked out until it was over. I now spend Christmas with my cats and I'm infinitely happier as a result. It still churns up bad memories for me, but at least they are now only memories.

Christmas is a commercialized geared on mass spending. The 2nd Thanksgiving. Honestly, I am only spending on my immediate family and, a few people to show how much I appreciate them. Honestly, I am not spending on my cousins(except 1, ppl forget  or don't bother that the 24 is his birthday) and aunts and uncles. I don't have money to spend on so many ppl. I even opted on this Secret Santa at work. Point of this holiday is about giving out of appreciation and kindness.  Some think to much of what gift they are expecting.

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I probably won't have a good day again until March.  Who would be happy here.  The sun is never out.  Everything looks dead outside and the whole day it looks like it's almost dark outside.  This is what it will be for months.

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14 hours ago, Ratvan said:

Feeling like I should leave this country now 

If it is the UK I do not blame you.  Nothing against it but it seems very restrictive compared to where I live. 

7 hours ago, JD4010 said:

I've been feeling the same way...but in my case, it's the US I'd be moving from. It has become a very ugly society. It's easy to blame the current occupant of the White House, but he's only a symptom of the horrible disease that has infected this place.

Agreed.  There are a lot of wussies and female dogs in power and there are not so nice people around. 

I try to be a kind person even when I am in one of my dark moods. 

Right now I feel a bit eager, frustrated, lonely, brash.  Trying to think about how I want to feel. 

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6 hours ago, sober4life said:

I probably won't have a good day again until March.  Who would be happy here.  The sun is never out.  Everything looks dead outside and the whole day it looks like it's almost dark outside.  This is what it will be for months.

Agreed.  We need to move to Australia ASAP. 🙂

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2 hours ago, Rattler6 said:

If it is the UK I do not blame you.  Nothing against it but it seems very restrictive compared to where I live. 

Agreed.  There are a lot of wussies and female dogs in power and there are not so nice people around. 

I try to be a kind person even when I am in one of my dark moods. 

Right now I feel a bit eager, frustrated, lonely, brash.  Trying to think about how I want to feel. 

Right now I want to leave Canada.  Our Government is covering up for evil people/companies.

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13 minutes ago, bbwolf said:

when it rains it pours, a friend of nearly 50 years had a heart attack and passed away yesterday, thats 4 friends i lost since thanksgiving

 

im really sorry for your losses wolf..

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