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How Do You Feel Right Now #11


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12 hours ago, samadhiSheol said:

God blessed me, I'm a free man
With no place free to go
I'm paralyzed and collared-tight
No pills for what I fear

That's absolutely perfect. There is no free place to go and I'm definitely "collared-tight."

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2 hours ago, JD4010 said:

Congratulations! What a relief, eh?

At a time when I needed them most they have put me through more hell than I can imagine.  I used to think it was me against the world.  Now I know it's me against the world.  The only things I can trust are the animals and even they make me wonder sometimes. 

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On 12/6/2019 at 11:34 AM, bbwolf said:

i dont want to feel anything,  in may a friend of 30+ years had moved back home almost, the next town over, she was basically running from her exhusband, we finally decided after 6 months of talking daily, to start dating, then she kinda disappears a couple days, i then find out her ex found her and killed her in a M*****/suicide

I'm so sorry, bbwolf! I'm horrified to hear it, and wish in every way that it hadn't happened, to you, your friend, or to anyone in the world who has been a victim of a similar crime. I wish I could do something to help, but as I can't, I can only offer you my full sympathy and respect.

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It's a miracle I'm able to still keep going through this.  My one dog passed away shortly after mom did.  Mom passed away in November and he passed away in December so until about June or July I would come home and open the car door and still hear the dog barking and welcoming me home and I'd come home and sit on the couch and relive mom's last day hearing her screaming in pain from her bedroom.  Yes I'm sure I want to ask for help for those things in this world.  If I didn't have PTSD before all of this I sure do now and family certainly helped that along as well.

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On 12/9/2019 at 5:44 PM, nojoy said:

lack of motivation = going back to bed = nothing getting done = depressed mood today

Hi nojoy, I am glad you posted.  I was getting concerned.  I am happy to see you. 🙂

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5 hours ago, duck said:

I am glad you posted.  I was getting concerned.  I am happy to see you.

Thanks duck, changes in medicines, weather changes and holidays have  got me on the wheel of depression again. I just needed to hide for a while.

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3 hours ago, nojoy said:

Thanks duck, changes in medicines, weather changes and holidays have  got me on the wheel of depression again. I just needed to hide for a while.

Are you ready for Christmas?  🙂

 

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4 hours ago, APFSDS said:

Rather miffed. Apparently I have Autism Spectrum Disorder.

That's not good. Not good at all.

 

Hey, take it was someone who was diagnosed late. It doesn't feel good to have that label over your head. But, it does feel good to know there is a name to your confusion, a name that explains why things are so difficult in life. It feels good to have a hard day and know "Hey, I'm struggling because I'm wired differently and that's okay". It took me a while to accept it too, but I realized how much happier I was knowing why I struggled so much and that I had a whole new community I could reach out to for support and understanding (Aspies/autistic folks tend to be pretty nice and understanding, though of course every group has it's nasties)

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16 minutes ago, duck said:

Are you ready for Christmas?  🙂

 

From another post, I have to deal with the family reunion. People prying of what you are up to. I am not close to anyone.  It's no fun I can't even get drunk because sometimes I get thrown as the driver.

I use to like Christmas when I was a kid but it feels more of an obligation when grew older. My family decided not to decorate in the house.

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Fiance dumped me once and for all, calling me manipulative and told me he didn't love me romantically anymore and that my existence in the same room was a drain to his energy. 

Nevermind that he spent days telling me to shut up and stop crying when I got upset, nevermind that he barely spoke to me and got upset when I just wanted a little attention, nevermind that he never told me how resentful he was with me until it was too late. 

I don't think I'm a manipulative person. I sure as hell didn't mean to hurt him. I thought everything was okay, that we were happy, that we had a future. But apparently he spent weeks thinking I was just toxic and abusive and never told me what was wrong. And other people were telling him I was toxic and gross too.

I talked to my best friend and to my school counselor and they assured me that I did my best and while I was emotionally ready for a commitment, he wasn't. Just wasn't mature enough. I needed work on my communication but I did my best to vocalize my concerns with him and he'd get upset at me for it, saying I was just wallowing in my own pity and I should automatically replace everything with positive thoughts and I didn't need to bother with feeling my emotions out like I needed to. 

That and his mother just straight up didn't want me around anymore. Said I was taking advantage of her and using her home as an easy out. And was mad at me because my parents didn't pay for my expenses like they promised. 

I guess there's a bright side to all of this. While I was gone I made a point of visiting my parents several times a week, plus my sister. Worked on mending things with them. Told them I loved them for the first time in years. My ex-fiance's mother may have been upset at me for mending my relationship while living away from them, but I think the space and boundaries were needed. 

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1 minute ago, Stand_alone said:

From another post, I have to deal with the family reunion. People prying of what you are up to. I am not close to anyone.  It's no fun I can't even get drunk because sometimes I get thrown as the driver.

I use to like Christmas when I was a kid but it feels more of an obligation when grew older. My family decided not to decorate in the house.

oh I know it's so annoying people want to know what you have been up to , and ask you all kinds of personal questions.

Luckily over the years I have learned to avoid many relatives, and the older I get I keep very few in my life that I can talk to who believe in my anxiety and depression. Otherwise I just ignore them and don't talk to them.

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3 minutes ago, PraiseBrownies said:

Fiance dumped me once and for all, calling me manipulative and told me he didn't love me romantically anymore and that my existence in the same room was a drain to his energy. 

Nevermind that he spent days telling me to shut up and stop crying when I got upset, nevermind that he barely spoke to me and got upset when I just wanted a little attention, nevermind that he never told me how resentful he was with me until it was too late. 

I don't think I'm a manipulative person. I sure as hell didn't mean to hurt him. I thought everything was okay, that we were happy, that we had a future. But apparently he spent weeks thinking I was just toxic and abusive and never told me what was wrong. And other people were telling him I was toxic and gross too.

I talked to my best friend and to my school counselor and they assured me that I did my best and while I was emotionally ready for a commitment, he wasn't. Just wasn't mature enough. I needed work on my communication but I did my best to vocalize my concerns with him and he'd get upset at me for it, saying I was just wallowing in my own pity and I should automatically replace everything with positive thoughts and I didn't need to bother with feeling my emotions out like I needed to. 

That and his mother just straight up didn't want me around anymore. Said I was taking advantage of her and using her home as an easy out. And was mad at me because my parents didn't pay for my expenses like they promised. 

I guess there's a bright side to all of this. While I was gone I made a point of visiting my parents several times a week, plus my sister. Worked on mending things with them. Told them I loved them for the first time in years. My ex-fiance's mother may have been upset at me for mending my relationship while living away from them, but I think the space and boundaries were needed. 

I am glad you were able to finish this post with....... "I guess there's a bright side to all of this.." because it shows that you are headed down the right path. I hope you continue to focus on yourself and visiting family and friends.  If he was not ready and immature , judging by the things he told you, it does not sound like he was supportive, so perhaps it's the best thing that ever happened to you...and you will find someone else who can appreciate you and understand you more..

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4 minutes ago, ladysmurf said:

oh I know it's so annoying people want to know what you have been up to , and ask you all kinds of personal questions.

Luckily over the years I have learned to avoid many relatives, and the older I get I keep very few in my life that I can talk to who believe in my anxiety and depression. Otherwise I just ignore them and don't talk to them.

I agree. Honestly, it should be my parents I should move away from. They can get toxic. I hear politics every morning. Right, now in a growing city gentrified at every region by greedy tech companies like Google and Apple, it is getting harder to live my own. It is becoming like SF. When I am living on my own what I want first is a pet dog.

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3 minutes ago, ladysmurf said:

I am glad you were able to finish this post with....... "I guess there's a bright side to all of this.." because it shows that you are headed down the right path. I hope you continue to focus on yourself and visiting family and friends.  If he was not ready and immature , judging by the things he told you, it does not sound like he was supportive, so perhaps it's the best thing that ever happened to you...and you will find someone else who can appreciate you and understand you more..

I think it is for the best. You have the right to cry. You seem to be young as you are in school. There will be someone who will love you more and will accept your faults as you will love and accept them. Marry someone who is committed.

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1 minute ago, Stand_alone said:

You have the right to cry.

Thank you.  I haven't had anyone tell me it's been okay to cry.

8 minutes ago, ladysmurf said:

so perhaps it's the best thing that ever happened to you

Maybe it is. It's hard to accept after almost a decade of friendship and finally choosing to be together. It seemed as if the best thing that ever happened to me was him. But I have a lot of life ahead of me so there's got to be more best things. 

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57 minutes ago, ladysmurf said:

oh I know it's so annoying people want to know what you have been up to , and ask you all kinds of personal questions.

Luckily over the years I have learned to avoid many relatives, and the older I get I keep very few in my life that I can talk to who believe in my anxiety and depression. Otherwise I just ignore them and don't talk to them.

At a reunion they don't ask me questions.   There have been times I've gone to family reunions without saying a word to them the whole time.  They don't care how I'm doing.  They will make me feel guilty if I don't show up.  This year at 40 was the first time I even hugged grandma and she has never told me she loved me ever.  This is how a lot of my family is.  People don't even know we're related unless we mention it. 

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