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How Do You Feel Right Now #11

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Was feeling ok till someone offended me and I’m like should I bring it up and tell that person or just suck it up and let it go to avoid any consequences. Of course I choose the suck it up. And that makes me feel worse. But I’ve given up on trying. Whatever comes just let it hit me.

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4 hours ago, Depressedgurl007 said:

Was feeling ok till someone offended me and I’m like should I bring it up and tell that person or just suck it up and let it go to avoid any consequences. Of course I choose the suck it up. And that makes me feel worse. But I’ve given up on trying. Whatever comes just let it hit me.

I used to suck it up but at this point I have nothing to lose.  I used to be quiet and reserved and shy but now I stand up to everyone even people I thought I never would stand up to because when you hate life the consequences don't really matter.  What are they going to do to us transfer us from hell to super hell?  Don't let anyone get away with treating you bad.  Give it right back to them full force.

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Not much going on tonight.  Kinda same old.  Pretty much isolating, I suppose, which isn’t good.

But getting kinda tired.  Up really late last night, up relatively early today.  So I’m gonna try to crash in not too long.  It’s been an okay night, I guess.

😐

Edited by adamrparr

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Finally got around to look at the Facebook post I was tagged in last month to see a bunch of photos from high school. I was looking through them with a smile on my face until I skimmed the lengthy post they were attached to and realized it was in memorium for a mutual friend who passed away last month. We're in our mid thirties. Isn't it too soon for my contemporaries to be passing away? Everyone says this about people who pass, but she was the sweetest person--very funny and full of life and very much an individual. I remember she was really into Xena Warrior Princess. I also remember when she ran up to me when she hadn't seen me in a while and gave me a big hug. We didn't stay in contact after high school, but I still feel the loss knowing she is no longer in the world. Another candle has been blow out.

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11 hours ago, RiverLight said:

Thanks for the ideas. I decided I will spend $10 on each work gift. Screw it. I'll spend $30 instead of $60. It's just not right to continue asking us to spend money on work-related events! 

Oh jeez, been there with "birthday gifts". Been working for the last 4 years in a company with ~200 employees. They used to do this thing of collecting money for a birthday gift. I just given up almost immediately on this idea. One of the few, if not the only that never wasn't putting any money (unless exceptions, for closest fellows/friends at the office). Haha somehow I always end up out of massive events, or social stuff.

 The thing is this, if you forget about giving money for someone, and if you put money for others, that one could get offended or feel not-special, so I don't want anyone to get offended because I forgot to tip. Solution, no money for anyone, one less problem on my head. Also: father's day or sort. What about people that doesn't have relatives? I mean, does HR think about this things? Obviously not, they don't care for "the few" (as Roger Waters says).

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Today I went running, I'm trying to do this every day, it helps to the head, if you know what I mean.

 After that I sat on the floor of a square to dome some stretching, and... I had a sort of insight, sometimes it happens. I was watching at couples, also watching myself, my reactions. "How nice would be to be coupled".

 Isn't the mind always wanting stuff? I mean, suppose you have couple, then what? You'll want another thing. Once you have that thing, then what, you'll want another one. And the mind is like that, jumping from desire to desire, hardly ever in peace. Is a trick, right? Once you understand this movement, this constant movement of the mind, you can get rid of the trick, at least, sometimes. Desire moves you, but be aware of that unstopable, constant movement, sometimes is just stupid. I always have in mind this phrase from a Mad Season song, from the dearest Layne, "my pain, is self chosen, at least, I believe it could be...". It means, consider for a second, that your pain could be caused by yourself, well this is not crazy, I myself consider auto-destructive in many ways. The thought could be the root of all problems, hence silence is valuable.

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7 hours ago, nothing_man said:

Oh jeez, been there with "birthday gifts". Been working for the last 4 years in a company with ~200 employees. They used to do this thing of collecting money for a birthday gift. I just given up almost immediately on this idea. One of the few, if not the only that never wasn't putting any money (unless exceptions, for closest fellows/friends at the office). Haha somehow I always end up out of massive events, or social stuff.

 The thing is this, if you forget about giving money for someone, and if you put money for others, that one could get offended or feel not-special, so I don't want anyone to get offended because I forgot to tip. Solution, no money for anyone, one less problem on my head. Also: father's day or sort. What about people that doesn't have relatives? I mean, does HR think about this things? Obviously not, they don't care for "the few" (as Roger Waters says).

Yeah I hear you!!! 

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@nothing_man - Man, I’m an enormous fan of Layne, and the band.  (Still).  I’ve seen Jerry a number of times, and the most recent iteration of Alice In Chains, which I do love, a number of times.

But...  I was a junior in college when “Dirt” came out.  I was incredibly lucky to have seen Layne with the band one time.  It was something I’ll treasure forever.  What an incredible voice; there’s never been another one even close.  He & Jerry were magic.  Layne just ultimately succumbed to addiction, which I understand, being a recovering alcoholic myself.  

The WAY in which we lost Layne was incredibly tragic & was the bad dream of addiction played out right in front of the world’s eyes.  He didn’t hide it either.  There was a closeup of him on “Rolling Stone” well into their career, and he was looking pretty tough.  Eyes that were circled & red.  But that’s what they wanted to portray.  They, (Layne included), wanted to tell a story & that was it.  They named the cover article after the fantastic, though very somber & tragic Neil Young song “The Needle & The Damage Done”.  His message essentially was, “look folks, doing drugs isn’t cool.  It’s destruction & death.  Don’t do what I did.  This is what happens.”

He actually went on to say that this was the central theme behind the “Dirt” record.  I don’t know how familiar you are with it, but it’s a stunningly, sometimes shockingly open revelation of the struggles & sufferings of drug addiction.  It was never in an attempt to glorify.  In fact, it was for the purpose of getting that stuff out, not only for Layne, but largely for Sean & Jerry as well.  They also considered hopefully the idea that others might understand what it really was that they were trying to say.  Stay off this shit kids, it kills you & destroys everything worthwhile around you.  You don’t want this.

An absolutely peerless artist & musician, and a really kind yet suffering soul.  He didn’t deserve to suffer the way that he did.  I’m not going to go into the story here but it’s about as sad as it gets.  Lost at such an early age.  The hopes & dreams that band had for themselves were brought to an end that was staggeringly premature.  But I did catch them once.

Not going to go into the new iteration of the band here.  Not the place.  I’ll just say that I’ve remained extremely interested in what they’ve been doing. 😉

There is another somewhat related matter that invariably invades my mind when I think of Layne, (and vice versa), that I fully believe merits mention here.  For many obvious reasons, this guy’s story strongly resonates with many who are familiar with Layne, those of us with addiction problems, and most definitely those of us who struggle with mental illness.  I’ll submit no more detail than that here & now, save this (my, at least) musical hero’s name.  Chris Cornell.  😞

Layne, to you & Chris as well.  You’re sorely missed & you’ll not be equaled creatively.  I really don’t tend to get sentimental about most things, but this issue (these two guys) hits really close to home.

Thanks for sharing those words of Layne’s.  I do love that “Mad Season” record, as did Layne.

(AND... there’s a tune the band recorded with Chris on the AiC acoustic EP “Sap”.  “Right Turn”’s the name of the track.  To hear those two voices in the same (tremendous) song is really something.  You should check it out if you haven’t.)

Edited by adamrparr

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On 12/5/2019 at 11:16 AM, watalife said:

Like a maniac. I would accept sudden death with open arms.

Me too.  I cannot stand this pain. 

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3 hours ago, adamrparr said:

@nothing_man - Man, I’m an enormous fan of Layne, and the band.  (Still).  I’ve seen Jerry a number of times, and the most recent iteration of Alice In Chains, which I do love, a number of times.

But...  I was a junior in college when “Dirt” came out.  I was incredibly lucky to have seen Layne with the band one time.  It was something I’ll treasure forever.  What an incredible voice; there’s never been another one even close.  He & Jerry were magic.  Layne just ultimately succumbed to addiction, which I understand, being a recovering alcoholic myself.  

The WAY in which we lost Layne was incredibly tragic & was the bad dream of addiction played out right in front of the world’s eyes.  He didn’t hide it either.  There was a closeup of him on “Rolling Stone” well into their career, and he was looking pretty tough.  Eyes that were circled & red.  But that’s what they wanted to portray.  They, (Layne included), wanted to tell a story & that was it.  They named the cover article after the fantastic, though very somber & tragic Neil Young song “The Needle & The Damage Done”.  His message essentially was, “look folks, doing drugs isn’t cool.  It’s destruction & death.  Don’t do what I did.  This is what happens.”

He actually went on to say that this was the central theme behind the “Dirt” record.  I don’t know how familiar you are with it, but it’s a stunningly, sometimes shockingly open revelation of the struggles & sufferings of drug addiction.  It was never in an attempt to glorify.  In fact, it was for the purpose of getting that stuff out, not only for Layne, but largely for Sean & Jerry as well.  They also considered hopefully the idea that others might understand what it really was that they were trying to say.  Stay off this shit kids, it kills you & destroys everything worthwhile around you.  You don’t want this.

An absolutely peerless artist & musician, and a really kind yet suffering soul.  He didn’t deserve to suffer the way that he did.  I’m not going to go into the story here but it’s about as sad as it gets.  Lost at such an early age.  The hopes & dreams that band had for themselves were brought to an end that was staggeringly premature.  But I did catch them once.

Not going to go into the new iteration of the band here.  Not the place.  I’ll just say that I’ve remained extremely interested in what they’ve been doing. 😉

There is another somewhat related matter that invariably invades my mind when I think of Layne, (and vice versa), that I fully believe merits mention here.  For many obvious reasons, this guy’s story strongly resonates with many who are familiar with Layne, those of us with addiction problems, and most definitely those of us who struggle with mental illness.  I’ll submit no more detail than that here & now, save this (my, at least) musical hero’s name.  Chris Cornell.  😞

Layne, to you & Chris as well.  You’re sorely missed & you’ll not be equaled creatively.  I really don’t tend to get sentimental about most things, but this issue (these two guys) hits really close to home.

Thanks for sharing those words of Layne’s.  I do love that “Mad Season” record, as did Layne.

(AND... there’s a tune the band recorded with Chris on the AiC acoustic EP “Sap”.  “Right Turn”’s the name of the track.  To hear those two voices in the same (tremendous) song is really something.  You should check it out if you haven’t.)

 So good to hear all of this from you. Music saved me many times, and still does. I do also miss Chris, Layne, Chester, Kurt, I know that you know how it feels. It's sad how they ended, and many times I feel I'm going that way. It's great that you saw Layne on concert, I didn't have the chance but don't need it to see how good person he was. Cheers Adam.

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I went to a Meet-UP at a Christmas event. I met nice people and had pizza. The Christmas event was not that well spectacular. The Christmas tree was a giant version of Charlie Brown's skinny tree. When lit up, it was over covered with white light bulbs. Not enough branches. Standing at the center, I was deafened by a kids choir singing their hearts off. Many people made squirmed faces.

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It's unbelievable the hell I have to go through every moment of the day to keep this charade of a life going!  It never ends.  The worst hell you can give someone I think is making them do this life on their own.  Most of the time a whole team of people couldn't do this but me the craziest person I've ever known has to make this work.  Fun times!

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On 12/8/2019 at 1:14 AM, nothing_man said:

Today I went running, I'm trying to do this every day, it helps to the head, if you know what I mean.

 After that I sat on the floor of a square to dome some stretching, and... I had a sort of insight, sometimes it happens. I was watching at couples, also watching myself, my reactions. "How nice would be to be coupled".

 Isn't the mind always wanting stuff? I mean, suppose you have couple, then what? You'll want another thing. Once you have that thing, then what, you'll want another one. And the mind is like that, jumping from desire to desire, hardly ever in peace. Is a trick, right? Once you understand this movement, this constant movement of the mind, you can get rid of the trick, at least, sometimes. Desire moves you, but be aware of that unstopable, constant movement, sometimes is just stupid. I always have in mind this phrase from a Mad Season song, from the dearest Layne, "my pain, is self chosen, at least, I believe it could be...". It means, consider for a second, that your pain could be caused by yourself, well this is not crazy, I myself consider auto-destructive in many ways. The thought could be the root of all problems, hence silence is valuable.

it's human nature...people always want want want, that's why i like animals better .... the majority of married couples i know are always complaining to me about how miserable they are. when i was younger, i was jealous too of my friends who were dating, but now i like my independence ...

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2 hours ago, ladysmurf said:

it's human nature...people always want want want, that's why i like animals better .... the majority of married couples i know are always complaining to me about how miserable they are. when i was younger, i was jealous too of my friends who were dating, but now i like my independence ...

I would enjoy my independence if I had a different brain that didn't torture me the whole time I'm alone.

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Today I feel like I’m just kinda floating along.  No overwhelming emotions in any direction.  Just kinda here.  Low-grade anxiety & depression, nothing major.  But I’m not being active or productive either.

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I never choose to be active or productive.  Things pile up and that usually brings on a manic episode that I couldn't hold back if I wanted to.  I'm just along for whatever ride this crazy train wants to take at that point.

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