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20YearsandCounting

How Do You Feel Right Now #11

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I hate myself.  I want to die. 

I failed my brother, Paul, even though he never told me how.  I must know, somewhere within me, though.  Was it because we didn't communicate as frequently as we did when I lived in L.A. and I made him feel unimportant?  He never told me, just wrote me a note that said he wanted "no more personal sharing."  And like the rest of my family whom he'd dumped, I fell right in line.  My health began to fail, and I started to wonder if I'd ever make it out of Ohio again.  But I meditated and prayed about him EVERY SINGLE DAY, that we would be reunited, and felt close to him even though we weren't any more.  And then the news came that he'd died without even telling any of us he was sick, and the painful way we found out. 

I'LL NEVER SEE HIM AGAIN. 

I'LL NEVER SEE HIM AGAIN. 

I'LL NEVER SEE HIM AGAIN.  I can't bear it. 

I'm making amends to friends I may have hurt.  I'm getting rid of all my stuff, just in case.  I don't have any courage.  This pain may end me.

 

The Distance

He brought light to me.
Now, the time it takes star light
to reach me in the deep of night is the distance
I am from him now that he’s gone.

He gives me a nudge to love
The time I have left (they’re so wise once they’re dead);
To love purple blossoms
In springtime and
Night blooming jasmine in February
Trees and winter sunsets in Ohio
The sparsely flowering buds of Western deserts
And storm clouds that come and go.

I rarely do as I am told.

But you know those orders
really come from somewhere else
(and with a cryptic delivery system).
You want answers, and if you don’t get them,
You’ll settle at least for the courage to go on
Because you’ll never get him back in life as you know it.

And what you want is the life you don’t know,
the one that was promised,
the one that’s still hiding.

12/1/19

 

 

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Feeling uneasy and uncertain of myself.  Have had a particularly bad 24-36 mental health hours, I think the worst I've had since my near-suicide attempt in 2002.  Yeah, I've been that much of a mess and paralyzed.

Much of it just came crashing in when I went to my NP for my monthly draw/injections this morning and I completely broke down.  I'm lucky this NP has cared for me for eight years and knows me well.  He made the deer in the headlights comparison.  He gave a new med, Trentellix, a month's supply.  It's a newer med for major depressive disorder and has no adverse interactions with my other meds.

Eventually I crashed for six hours this afternoon.  But I'm still exhausted an uneasy...plus, I'm dealing with my usual 24-48 hours of recovery from getting a month's worth of HIV medication in one sitting.  I'm trying to take it easy, but it's not easy.  But, at least I ate today.  As badly as I still feel, I guess maybe it might be a little bit better than 24 hours ago.  As I PM'd someone, these are truly baby steps for me right now.

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52 minutes ago, MarkintheDark said:

As badly as I still feel, I guess maybe it might be a little bit better than 24 hours ago.  As I PM'd someone, these are truly baby steps for me right now.

Glad you are feeling a bit better - some of us have to take what we can get. Hang in there friend - you are truly cared for here.

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Y'know, I really, really tried to start my day, predawn, right today.  Took my meds.  Despite the (relative 52F/11C)) Florida cold, got outside for some dawn shots to relax me.  Took a little time to process/edit them, too.  Even a cup of coffee and ate a little bit.

I guess I should take the recovery time from yesterday's injections into account, but idk that even giving myself that much of a break counts for squat.

Yet I've still been fighting off anxiety and tears because I realize my situation continues to worsen and will only get worse...and I'm helpless to do a damn thing about it that would make any significant difference.  I'm apparently a worthless POS to everyone IRL.  No one cares enough to really, really help me.

And I don't get it.  I've fought to get help and just get beaten down further by people with their own agendas.

Edited by MarkintheDark

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The last few days have been NUTS. A water pipe burst in our apartment, flooding the kitchen and wreaking havoc. We found out while at the Phish show Fri night and had to leave before the encore. We drove back home Sat to check on our little furry animals, who were scared and hiding, and then drove all the way back to RI again. The shows were absolutely phenomenal - an outstanding performance both nights. But we've had loud fans and a dehumidifier in our kitchen for days, which were finally removed today. Ahh.... I can hear again! 

It's snowing too. We had a crazy snowstorm lasting two days and it's still coming down. I am working from home today and took the day off yesterday to "find my cat". I was really just exhausted and didn't want to be at work at all. 

Today I have an interview for a Director level role. Ironic that it popped up with another company JUST after my CEO tells me I am leadership material. It would be nice... I am not all about the money, but I could definitely use a higher salary right about now. Weird how that goes. You finally get the salary you want, only to want a higher salary again. LOL. 

And I STILL cannot believe what my CEO told me last week -- that when he asked my Director (my boss) and our Manager how I am doing -- that they answered in ways that only showed their own self-interest. So, the CEO is well aware of what's been going on, thank God. I am amazed they're not gone yet and I am amazed that he is putting up with that kind of behavior. Anyways, at least he sees through both of them, and at least he sees the value I bring to the company -- that was my main goal with that meeting -- mission accomplished! 

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feeling empty, flat, lonely, grey, sad, frustrated, and tired of it all -- but wanting no one anywhere near me. i'm no good to anyone like this for a while. 

at the same time .... oddly feeling proud of myself?  for still continuing to "show up" at this miserable chessboard called "life", every colorless day -- because i have responsibilities that won't get done (or done to my standards) unless i do them. 

irony -- i don't care about anything anymore, but i do care that i have responsibilities, and it will really upset me if i don't take care of the things i am responsible for. how that makes any sense, i don't know.  i hate letting people down, but i hate feeling like a burden also.

it's either i'm being a burden, or i'm breaking my promises. i can't do both at the same time. so i'd rather keep my promises, in spite of relentless brain fog, chronic exhaustion, and feeling beat up inside.  idk? 

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17 minutes ago, soultired said:

feeling empty, flat, lonely, grey, sad, frustrated, and tired of it all -- but wanting no one anywhere near me. i'm no good to anyone like this for a while. 

at the same time .... oddly feeling proud of myself?  for still continuing to "show up" at this miserable chessboard called "life", every colorless day -- because i have responsibilities that won't get done (or done to my standards) unless i do them. 

irony -- i don't care about anything anymore, but i do care that i have responsibilities, and it will really upset me if i don't take care of the things i am responsible for. how that makes any sense, i don't know.  i hate letting people down, but i hate feeling like a burden also.

it's either i'm being a burden, or i'm breaking my promises. i can't do both at the same time. so i'd rather keep my promises, in spite of relentless brain fog, chronic exhaustion, and feeling beat up inside.  idk? 

I identify with much of what you wrote there. I still very responsible/obligated for so many things. And yet I feel like a burden in general.

If not for my daughter and two kitties, I'd have left this realm long ago.

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10 minutes ago, sober4life said:

I'm very tired and worn down.  Every bit of my strength and energy goes to keeping this house going and pretending I'm well enough to do it.

That must be EXHAUSTING!  And still, you have the clarity and the courage to do it!

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Feeling tired early in the morning..We put our names in a ballot for some cheaper apartments in our area that is being built..hoping we get one of the apartments..1936 people have applied for them..out of only 1092 units available, we will only know the results of the ballot late December and I don’t like to hope that I can them..but here I am hoping..will my hopes be crushed..only time will tell..

Edited by Depressedgurl007

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I'm looking back through old pictures and old birthday cards.  Most of the cards are I'm sorry I missed your birthday cards.  One card even said I'm sorry I missed your birthday but it's your fault.

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3 hours ago, DragonBallZ1995 said:

I feel like my mom is controlling my feelings or my mind

Been there. Try to speak with her about how you feel when surrounded by her. If that's not possible, get away of that situation as soon as possible, don't get alarmed, but yeah, don't hold on into that for too long.

Edited by nothing_man

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I have been destroying old receipts for the past four hours.  This was long overdue.   I need to do an hour or two everyday. 

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I don't have anything I have to do today.  Out of state family will be around from today until the end of the week and the neighbors I can see them from this window looking at me from their windows all of them plotting against me.  The birds have probably come back so they can report to them all what I'm up to.  They were sent in as spies I'm sure.  She likes birds.  She won't suspect them.  I'm on to them though.🥺

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I had a panic attack today while writing my math test and my teacher told me not to be so anxious and that everything’s going to be fine. That’s true but I always keep overthinking and beating myself up over it even though it always works out in the end. 

Now I have to write on a podcast about poverty and my good for nothing "team mate" hasn’t written a single word on it. I’ve written pages of information. 

Wish me luck hahah : (. 

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37 minutes ago, JustAnotherSufferer said:

I had a panic attack today while writing my math test and my teacher told me not to be so anxious and that everything’s going to be fine. That’s true but I always keep overthinking and beating myself up over it even though it always works out in the end. 

Now I have to write on a podcast about poverty and my good for nothing "team mate" hasn’t written a single word on it. I’ve written pages of information. 

Wish me luck hahah : (. 

I'll be honest they try to say you use math all the time.  As an adult most people will only need basic math to get through life.  The only reason you will use advanced math is if it's part of your job so don't worry unless it's what you want to do for a living.

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Overwhelmed but unmotivated. That's a horrible combination, let me tell you. 

I'm in a constant state of learned helplessness. No matter what I do, it's going to turn out wrong so why do anything?

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