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20YearsandCounting

How Do You Feel Right Now #11

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I need her back.  She's in heaven now.  The old me didn't deserve heaven.  In my recovery I have made amends to everyone and have the best relationship with everyone that I've ever had.  Maybe I might get to go to heaven now that I'm a much better person.  I've changed drastically but if there is an afterlife that means mom knows everything.  Can she really understand it all and forgive me for everything I've done?

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2 minutes ago, sober4life said:

Can she really understand it all and forgive me for everything I've done?

Yes.  She already has.

Edited by adamrparr

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10 hours ago, JD4010 said:

I finally got up the motivation to finish this analysis I've been procrastinating on for weeks. It's way past due. The office is closed today but I came in anyway. I was feeling almost productive!

Then I tried logging into my PC, which is hooked into the network. NO GO! I got a message saying, "the referenced account is currently locked out and must be unlocked by an administrator." Of course, none of the "administrators" are at work today so I'm de ad in the water.

Folks, this is an absolutely perfect example of how my life goes...even when I try to do something, I'm stymied buy forces beyond my control.

Man, I get that feeling.  Like you’re already defeated before walking out the door.  It’s enough to drive you crazy.  Has the night gotten any better?  Hope so.

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Looks like I survived the day, although it was a really tough one.  I’m glad it’s after 11 here.  I’ll crash soon & hopefully get some relief from sleep.  Wish me luck.  Night all.

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12 hours ago, BeyondWeary said:

Today worked out better than I thought. Yesterday was hard yet I got through it. I’m grateful for a normal weekend coming up. 

What is a normal weekend though.  Is it one where we can hide away from the world and have nothing that "needs to be done" or is it one where we can live like everyone else?

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Weak and shaky.  Should not have gone out for pix this morning with the hypotension.  Had to sit down several times to keep from passing out.  Made it home safely...getting on some salt and caffeine.   But it's made a mess of my day.

Edited by MarkintheDark

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25 minutes ago, sober4life said:

I was laying in bed thinking of all the reasons I deserve to die.

Sober, you do not deserve to die, but I can understand what that feels like.  I feel about next to worthless myself right now.  So many mistakes and failures, shortcomings, all that stuff.  On days like today, it can be overwhelming.  Has your day gotten any better?

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9 minutes ago, adamrparr said:

Sober, you do not deserve to die, but I can understand what that feels like.  I feel about next to worthless myself right now.  So many mistakes and failures, shortcomings, all that stuff.  On days like today, it can be overwhelming.  Has your day gotten any better?

Yes I sit and obsess over all of my mistakes and failures.  It's all I ever think about.  My entire life has been a shortcoming.  I try to love and accept myself but every day there are new reasons to hate myself.

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Just for kicks, I took a depression quiz yesterday.  The results?

”Your responses are extremely consistent with severe depression.”

Yeah, no kidding.

Talked to the kids today for a while & that was great, even though I was depressed & uncomfortable the whole time.  If I can’t enjoy that totally & completely, there’s something seriously wrong with me.  But I’ve known that for a very long time.

I’ve had long periods of remission, but this stuff is absolutely kicking my ass right now.  Miserable.  I’m trying to do most of the things I know to do that may help a little, but the help is modest at best, and I still am only able to do some things here & there.  Not everything.  I just have no energy & zero optimism.

So here we are again.  No one should have to endure this kind of thing.  It’s inhuman.  This sh!t kills people every day.  The world chooses to ignore.  Unconscionable.  I just don’t understand.  People have empathy for a cancer victim & someone with a broken leg.  Us?  No.  It’s beyond them that what we experience is real & can be, at times, inescapable.  We even get this from close family.  My Dad’s very much that way.

Anyway, glad to be here on a lovely, sh!tty thunderstormy day.  Huzzah.    Go depression, go!  🏊🏻‍♂️🏆

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People have no empathy for mental illness.  They don't understand or care whatsoever.  Hollywood tries to show a different story in movies and tv but that's just to make money.  If you're not doing well in life the world looks at you like you're a bum no matter how you got there.  They don't care how you got there and they won't help either.  You're on your own.  This is a world where grandma mom and dad whoever will let you live under a bridge in the winter.  Nobody cares.

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This day has really sucked.  Raining hard earlier.  Now it’s raining hard & dark.  😕

Same depression & anxiety as yesterday.  I really don’t feel any different.  Because of the weather, I haven’t gone out today & that’s not helping, I’m sure.

So, today?  Just breathing & enduring as best I can.  Not at all a good one.

Don’t really have much else to say right now.

😞

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I'm eager to go back to work too.  I could probably do it if I didn't work any night shifts.  No employer is going to put up with someone like me that's much worse December-March every year and much worse when it gets dark outside.

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21 minutes ago, Devlinkyla said:

In a bad mood want to get drunk and forget life

Drinking used to help me forget life but at the end it just made things much worse.  Every time I drank I thought I wouldn't come back mentally.  I don't think I ever did come back after the last time I drank.

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@Devlinkyla, thought you might be able to use a mention on how much I admire you for laying out your stuff for all of us with such honesty.  I cannot begin to imagine being in your shoes.  I know you've been in a lot of pain.  About the best I can do is encourage you to continue at least posting what your thoughts are. :hearts:

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2 minutes ago, MarkintheDark said:

@Devlinkyla, thought you might be able to use a mention on how much I admire you for laying out your stuff for all of us with such honesty.  I cannot begin to imagine being in your shoes.  I know you've been in a lot of pain.  About the best I can do is encourage you to continue at least posting what your thoughts are. :hearts:

Thank you I needed that am just glad I have a place to vent kinda helps I appreciate all of you putting up with my bs

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