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20YearsandCounting

How Do You Feel Right Now #11

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"One more day like today and I'll k ill you 
A desire for flesh 

And real blood 
I'll watch you drown in the shower 
Pushing my life through your open eyes 
I must fight this sickness 
Find a cure 
I must fight this sickness.."

The cure- pornography

..or not.

Perhaps I should just f ucking die.

 

 

 

 

Edited by samadhiSheol

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8 hours ago, RiverLight said:

What really bothers me is how my THERAPIST suggests that I be more modest and that I downplay my own achievements.. this is SO typical of a female in the workplace..... and it only just points to how females are STILL timid in the workplace to strut their stuff, to be aggressive and to be proactive.... it really bothers me. Well, that's not me. I AM proactive and I probably act more like a guy because I am more confident than that and I am NOT timid. Screw that crap. She's a sexist against her own kind, my therapist is. 

A really screwed up situation, to be sure, River.  God knows that I know all about tough work problems & boxes it feels like I can’t get out of.

I fully agree with you about the therapist.  They’re not infallible at all.  Sounds like you want to change things up in that area too.  Don’t blame you.

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Struggling today.  Still trying to put one foot in front of the other & take care of some things but feel locked up mentally/emotionally.  Waiting on a little money later, gotta change my car battery, couple of other things.  Just don’t FEEL like doing a damned thing.  I’m doing it anyway, as best I can.  Just emotionally not good.

Edited by adamrparr

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20 hours ago, adamrparr said:

I’m sick of seeing depression meds ads on tv.  Damn.  Seems like you just can’t get away from this shit.

The thing thats even worse for me is I can never try those meds because my insurance refuses to pay for anything that isn't old and already has a generic version.

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I’m counting my huge blessings in the sense that the meds I’m on are reasonably effective.  I spent so many years searching for a combination that would actually do something.  Damned near 20 years.  Frankly, I’m surprised that i survived.

Is any of the stuff you’re taking helping?

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1 hour ago, adamrparr said:

Struggling today.  Still trying to put one foot in front of the other & take care of some things but feel locked up mentally/emotionally.  Waiting on a little money later, gotta change my car battery, couple of other things.  Just don’t FEEL like doing a damned thing.  I’m doing it anyway, as best I can.  Just emotionally not good.

Good on you for getting things done. After I force myself to get things done I usually feel better afterwards

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Just now, idkusername465 said:

Good on you for getting things done. After I force myself to get things done I usually feel better afterwards

Thanks man.  I really appreciate it.  Forcing action can be really difficult but I’m better at it than I used to be.  Yesterday I did a lot of it and got a good bit done.  I’m sure it helped, and the stuff was necessary, but still not feeling good.  Better than I might have though, most likely, I suppose.

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2 hours ago, adamrparr said:

A really screwed up situation, to be sure, River.  God knows that I know all about tough work problems & boxes it feels like I can’t get out of.

I fully agree with you about the therapist.  They’re not infallible at all.  Sounds like you want to change things up in that area too.  Don’t blame you.

I thanks so much. It is totally screwed up for sure. I need our ASAP. Or a promotion lol. Nah, I want to leave. 

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Tonight, touch & go emotionally/mentally.  Took a few important steps today.  Got a few important things rolling for tomorrow. All of that’s pretty good, but tonight, still feel bad.  Once again, just hanging in there/sticking it out, waiting on the clock to tick.  Some positives two days in a row now, as the result of my taking action when I didn’t want to.

Just wish I felt better.  Maybe tomorrow.  It could be a whole lot worse.  Gotta try to remain grateful.  It can be hard.  So yeah, still struggling, but moving forward as best I can.  Such a huge hill to climb.  Scares me to death.

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Today’s painful grandmas cancer is growing fast she’s not going to make it to next year at least that’s what we’re thinking want to see my kids very bad today but can’t go figure life goes on still waiting for paperwork don’t remember what it says should get it tomorrow so that can be bad or good I’ll post what I find out if it’s bad am not sure what to do next or if there is anything I can do 😞 

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Every time I think things are going well something else happens.  It never ends.  When I think things are going well all it really means is I'm not seeing what awful thing is happening.  Something is happening.  Something is always happening.  Sometimes I just don't know it's happening but it is always!

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On 11/19/2019 at 1:22 PM, sober4life said:

I feel pretty good today.  This is the day I'm calling my Thanksgiving so I'm eating 2 whole homemade pizzas myself.

HIGH FIVE!!!!  🙂

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8 hours ago, sober4life said:

Every time I think things are going well something else happens.  It never ends.  When I think things are going well all it really means is I'm not seeing what awful thing is happening.  Something is happening.  Something is always happening.  Sometimes I just don't know it's happening but it is always!

I was able to fix things for now.  I had to get tough with people.  It's over and time to move on.  My neighbors better not mess with me today.  I'm going to enjoy the day.  I can see things getting heated up with the neighbors if this bull continues!  Yes I'm a strange person but I am a good neighbor overall and I'm not going to put up with their bullshit anymore!

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I am really bothered by the way my company is run, from top to bottom. 

No one really takes on a leadership role and takes the helm properly to both retain clients and to manage the clients. 

I cannot even believe what I am seeing happening. Here is one example. 

One of my dear colleagues, whom I love and adore and who left the company, well, I looked at his work that he delivered to my now new client. The client hasn't implemented a single one of his recommendations, and it's been nearly a YEAR. I reviewed his recommendations, and they're far too complex and use too much of our own internal lingo for any client to want to implement or even understand. So HOW COME NO ONE above him stepped in and gave him a better direction????? How come NO ONE said "these are too complex!"  or "a client won't understand what this means!". 

Because NO ONE CAN!!!!!! There is no one on my team who knows how to truly lead!!!! I am beside myself. 

So now I have to clean up the mess that was created for the last year. Or, rather, I have to somehow get this client to start implementing changes on their website. 

I have a whole different approach, which I explained to the account managers yesterday. And my approach works. I get my clients to implement because I make it AS EASY AS POSSIBLE for them and I do all the heavy lifting for them. I literally take a web page, put it in a Word doc, and I edit it with track changes. All the client has to do is approve the changes in the Word doc and copy and paste the content onto the web page. As simple as that. 

But now my problem is my Manager above me also missed this detail and I don't trust his judgement, along with my boss. So I have to take greater leadership on this account, change the direction, and change how things have been done, without stepping on my Manager's toes. 

Omg, the stress of all this is going to k-i-l-l me. I am dying. I want to just skip work today and not go....

I have to talk to this client today and address this very tactfully. I wasn't so tactful when talking to the account managers.... I kind of criticized my old colleague's approach, which was wrong. Ugh. 

WHY does work have to be SO stressful? 

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4 minutes ago, RiverLight said:

I am really bothered by the way my company is run, from top to bottom. 

No one really takes on a leadership role and takes the helm properly to both retain clients and to manage the clients. 

I cannot even believe what I am seeing happening. Here is one example. 

One of my dear colleagues, whom I love and adore and who left the company, well, I looked at his work that he delivered to my now new client. The client hasn't implemented a single one of his recommendations, and it's been nearly a YEAR. I reviewed his recommendations, and they're far too complex and use too much of our own internal lingo for any client to want to implement or even understand. So HOW COME NO ONE above him stepped in and gave him a better direction????? How come NO ONE said "these are too complex!"  or "a client won't understand what this means!". 

Because NO ONE CAN!!!!!! There is no one on my team who knows how to truly lead!!!! I am beside myself. 

So now I have to clean up the mess that was created for the last year. Or, rather, I have to somehow get this client to start implementing changes on their website. 

I have a whole different approach, which I explained to the account managers yesterday. And my approach works. I get my clients to implement because I make it AS EASY AS POSSIBLE for them and I do all the heavy lifting for them. I literally take a web page, put it in a Word doc, and I edit it with track changes. All the client has to do is approve the changes in the Word doc and copy and paste the content onto the web page. As simple as that. 

But now my problem is my Manager above me also missed this detail and I don't trust his judgement, along with my boss. So I have to take greater leadership on this account, change the direction, and change how things have been done, without stepping on my Manager's toes. 

Omg, the stress of all this is going to k-i-l-l me. I am dying. I want to just skip work today and not go....

I have to talk to this client today and address this very tactfully. I wasn't so tactful when talking to the account managers.... I kind of criticized my old colleague's approach, which was wrong. Ugh. 

WHY does work have to be SO stressful? 

I understand everything you're saying and I agree.  I also have to think why would a client pay someone to help with their website and not do anything they say for a year?  Why did the client keep paying and stick with the company if they were not going to do anything that was recommended?  

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28 minutes ago, sober4life said:

I was able to fix things for now.  I had to get tough with people.  It's over and time to move on.  My neighbors better not mess with me today.  I'm going to enjoy the day.  I can see things getting heated up with the neighbors if this bull continues!  Yes I'm a strange person but I am a good neighbor overall and I'm not going to put up with their bullshit anymore!

Sorry you are having neighbour troubles. It's awful when your 'safe space' is anything but. If it's any consolation I'm moving too.  There's too much negativity here and I'm better off away from it.  

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5 minutes ago, Nightjar said:

Sorry you are having neighbour troubles. It's awful when your 'safe space' is anything but. If it's any consolation I'm moving too.  There's too much negativity here and I'm better off away from it.  

Well honestly minus the neighbors this place is the best place I've ever lived in my life.  I love the house and the property and they aren't taking this place from me.  Nobody will ever be welcome on my property again that will cause me any unneeded stress.  If I have to defend my home I will defend my home.  Neighbors family whoever nobody is taking this place from me.

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23 minutes ago, sober4life said:

I understand everything you're saying and I agree.  I also have to think why would a client pay someone to help with their website and not do anything they say for a year?  Why did the client keep paying and stick with the company if they were not going to do anything that was recommended?  

Thanks, Sober, and that's a very very good question!!! The client was recently just bought by another company, and they've had some internal changes. So I think those issues have gotten in the way of them making any other changes, and my colleague also talks a very good game when it comes to what we do. He managed to retain them as a client all this time, despite them not implementing. Which is good on him! 

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These people at Hospice are unbelievable!  They sent me a postcard.  It says The staff at hospice is thinking of you on this first anniversary of the loss of your loved one.  May you find comfort in your cherished memories and may love be what you remember most of all.  How sweet of them.  How stupid are they if they think I want a first anniversary post card from them?

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I'm feeling very sad today. My daughter and her family are going camping with friends for Thanksgiving and I will be all alone. I thought I was going to be able to go see them this weekend but they canceled that too.

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Today’s been reasonable.  Not much depression to speak of, but a good bit of anxiety.  I got a few important things done, the primary of which was replacing my car battery, which I was able to accomplish relatively early in the day.  That, (of course), led to dealing with a number of things.  Diggin’ on a couple new albums I got yesterday. Very strong stuff.  Have a certain number of things that I’m set to do tomorrow, having accomplished a few today.  That feels good, anyway.  Tonight, just trying to take it easy, and take it easy on myself.  Trying to get the anxiety down a bit.  New records always help.

And oh, yeah.  Got the first call from a headhunter today, so applications are beginning to bear some fruit.  That’s a great thing.  Anyway, tonight, yeah.  Just trying to take easy.

Edited by adamrparr

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Really want to drink today but won’t going to see family tomorrow for the early thanksgiving it’s going to be a bit stressful but it might be the last year this is going to happen my uncle that I haven’t seen in years is here so that’s cool haven’t gotten the paperwork yet a little stressed about it also scard about the hole thing like thinking I might not see my kids for years but I need to try so they can look back and say mom cared enough to try but they might hate me at the end of all this sad today but am better then I was 5 years ago can’t believe it’s been 5 years since I lived with my kids but to be honest i miss them more then words could say I wish I could just give them a hug tell them I love them and tell them how sorry I am for everything but hey you can’t always have what you want so overwhelmed but hey am dealing with all life has thrown at me recently so I’ll take it 

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