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20YearsandCounting

How Do You Feel Right Now #11

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19 hours ago, duck said:

I am staying in my igloo because I am not happy with the snow storm we are having. 🙂

I enjoy being "snowed in". But then the storm ends and the big clean up begins. That part really sucks. I used to play in the snow (skiing, sledding, plowing snow with a big front end loader, etc.) but now it is merely a monstrous drag. 

Edited by JD4010

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4 hours ago, bbwolf said:

hey duck, how are you? i go to chat alot but nobady is ever there, and if there is they not talkitive or at least to me they not

 

Only tumbleweeds in the chat now...though I do see brother @Tilted in there on rare occasions.

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idk quite where to post this, but I'm feeling slightly lighter and with a bit less pain b/c I did a half hour epsom salt bath for the first time in, I think, a week.  Hasn't affected my thoughts or problems, but I guess I'm more comfortable physically.

Edited by MarkintheDark

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54 minutes ago, JD4010 said:

I enjoy being "snowed in". But then the storm ends and the big clean up begins. That part really sucks. I used to play in the snow (skiing, sledding, plowing snow with a big front end loader, etc.) but now it is merely a monstrous drag. 

Yeah snow used to be fun when I didn't have a care in the world.  Even driving in it was fun.  Now all there is is worry.  I worry I might wreck when I drive in it even though I'm a good driver and really I'm always driving around in a junk heap that I'm probably better off if it gets totaled.

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1 hour ago, MarkintheDark said:

idk quite where to post this, but I'm feeling slightly lighter and with a bit less pain b/c I did a half hour epsom salt bath for the first time in, I think, a week.  Hasn't affected my thoughts or problems, but I guess I'm more comfortable physically.

That’s good, man.  Excellent to hear.  Good stuff for sure.

Edited by adamrparr

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Well, home again, home again.  Not sure at all of the jiggedy-jig part.  In fact, I’m not feeling that way at all.  There’s just SO MUCH that has to be fixed logistically, and I feel like I was already there, then had the entire world ripped out from under me with the layoff.  I BELIEVE I can go back to the first “new job” I had before I took the better one.  (The one that laid me off.). It’s not at all ideal, but it IS something and will allow me to feel as though I’m not starting from complete zero.

Anyway, Returning & actually getting home has pretty much delivered me back to the “real world”, and my low-grade depression & anxiety as well, as i figured it would.  I don’t believe that it was a self-fulfilling prophecy.  I think it was simply the result of coming back home/down to earth.  Doesn’t feel very good at all, but I did expect it.  I’m grateful for the break I got though.  Also on the plus side is the fact that, essentially, I know what I have to do to get better logistically & mentally.  The tough part is always putting that into practice on a consistent basis.  Part of the what’s scaring me is that it’s all happening during the holidays.  Very very bad timing for me.  And this year, Christmas is going to be a real kick in the teeth for me emotionally, for very specific reasons.  I’ll share those in another thread tomorrow when I have a little more vigor.  Tonight, just trying to readjust & calm down.  I’ve never handled transition of any kind very well, and coming back home from traveling over the last few years has been one of the prime times with which I’ve had difficulty.  Tonight certainly fits the pattern.

What I just can’t shake is the horror that all this was resolved.  For a month.  And now it’s not. Again.  I was also told by my boss that it wasn’t my fault, but my gut tells me that I definitely played a part & that’s been extremely tough for me to handle from a guilt & shame standpoint.  Not to mention the discouragement & frustration.  Anyway, it is what it is and I just have to deal with it, like it or not.  And I do not.  Not that that matters at all.  Wish it did somehow.

I do have a few things I need to do tomorrow, but even that intimidates me.  I just have very little confidence, once again.  I definitely need to follow back up with the “first” new job, get my ass to a couple of meetings, call my therapist & box up a few things.  Sometimes though, for me, even small things like that can be either very hard to do or very easy to leave undone.  Guess I just have to truly give it my BEST shot, and not just lip service & say “ah, I tried”, or “ah, I couldn’t”, or “I’ll just do it tomorrow.”  And I know myself very well.  I can do that mind of thing on a professional level.

: /

Edited by adamrparr

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(One final thought.  An entry in Arthur Fleck’s/Joker’s journal in “Joker” that really spoke to me:  

“The worst part of having a mental illness is people expecting you to behave like you don’t.”

He started out in the film as just a big-time depressive.)

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Yeah that's been the story of my life being very mentally ill but being afraid to show any signs of it because I'm afraid of everyone.  I'm not sure they actually expect me to behave like I don't have a mental illness.  I doubt they even care that I'm alive but I believe they expect certain things of me and perception is the only true reality.

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@adamrparr We've discussed our shared childhood experiences with hellish "transitions" and a thought came immediately to mind.  idk if it's even something that would provide comfort in the moment.  For me, it was even those "six weeks every summer, Christmas every other year" (yes, Dottie West for my generation) that I only realized decades later helped the young Mark hold onto some semblance of sanity.  It almost precisely described my permitted visitations with Dad.

And, y'know, travel is stressful, too.  Good for you that you were able to get outta Dodge for a while.  I'm thinking it probably helped...though I sure as hell won't deny you any of what you're feeling/thinking tonight.

Edited by MarkintheDark

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12 minutes ago, MarkintheDark said:

@adamrparr We've discussed our shared childhood experiences with hellish "transitions" and a thought came immediately to mind.  idk if it's even something that would provide comfort in the moment.  For me, it was even those "six weeks every summer, Christmas every other year" (yes, Dottie West for my generation) that I only realized decades later helped the young Mark hold onto some semblance of sanity.  It almost precisely described my permitted visitations with Dad.

And, y'know, travel is stressful, too.  Good for you that you were able to get outta Dodge for a while.  I'm thinking it probably helped...though I sure as hell won't deny you any of what you're feeling/thinking tonight.

Oh yeah, man.  I know all too well those alternating holidays & the 6-8 weeks in the summer at Mom’s.  (What’s tragic is that now my kids are in the very same paradigm.  That’s the last thing on Earth that I ever wanted to sentence them to.  But that’s (my divorce) just one of those tragic, cataclysmic changes that can’t be unwound.  I have to make the best of it for THEM, but the layoff has clearly pissed on that parade.)

Edited by adamrparr

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12 minutes ago, adamrparr said:

Oh yeah, man.  I know all too well those alternating holidays & the 6-8 weeks in the summer at Mom’s.  (What’s tragic is that now my kids are in the very same paradigm.  That’s the last thing on Earth that I ever wanted to sentence them to.  But that’s (my divorce) just one of those tragic, cataclysmic changes that can’t be unwound.  I have to make the best of it for THEM

I may have mentioned it before, but you and my dad bear striking similarities in similar situations.  It took me years to gradually understand just how much effort he put into our relationship.  All those decades later I recognize those similarities are probably a significant reason you and I clicked.  You're giving me some more insight into him.

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I woke up crying again. It is a strange awkward pattern that brings some semblance of bitter-sweet relief. Maybe it's a sign that I spend too much energy hiding my emotions when I am awake. Who knows? Certainly not me. Then I come to DF and read everybody's stories and I don't feel so alone any more.

I love everybody here on DF, you are a caring and understanding lot who deserves all the good things in life. 💛

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19 minutes ago, Tears_Always said:
7 hours ago, JD4010 said:

i go to chat alot but nobady is ever there, and if there is they not talkitive or at least to me they not

I stopped stopping in there cause I could never find anyone there 😞 

It would be nice if there were regular chat meetups for times when we feel chatty.

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So the sales web page I built at work brought in 5 sales leads over the weekend. My client is happy but our operations director (who is an a-hole) said well, nothing has come in today. What a you know what. He’s the type who’s never happy. 

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18 hours ago, sober4life said:

Yeah snow used to be fun when I didn't have a care in the world.  Even driving in it was fun.  Now all there is is worry.  I worry I might wreck when I drive in it even though I'm a good driver and really I'm always driving around in a junk heap that I'm probably better off if it gets totaled.

Yes. I had a big chunk of a rocker panel fall of the rusty old minivan today as I went plowing through the newly fallen snow. I heard it and thought, "WTF was that??" Got out and saw it behind me. Hahaha. Now my car is that much lighter.

I'm confident of my own driving skills, but not those of other people. For whatever reason, almost everyone has become hyper-aggressive behind the wheel.

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3 hours ago, RiverLight said:

So the sales web page I built at work brought in 5 sales leads over the weekend. My client is happy but our operations director (who is an a-hole) said well, nothing has come in today. What a you know what. He’s the type who’s never happy. 

I would probably tell him well what are you doing to help things today other than mouthing off?  Of course I want you to have a better life than me though.

Edited by sober4life

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Am I the only one who wakes up in the morning n google morning motivations straight away. Feeling so ridiculous but really how else am I supposed to get out of bed..there is nothing to look forward to nothing to make me move..

Edited by Depressedgurl007

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20 hours ago, adamrparr said:

Well, home again, home again.  Not sure at all of the jiggedy-jig part.  In fact, I’m not feeling that way at all.  There’s just SO MUCH that has to be fixed logistically, and I feel like I was already there, then had the entire world ripped out from under me with the layoff.  I BELIEVE I can go back to the first “new job” I had before I took the better one.  (The one that laid me off.). It’s not at all ideal, but it IS something and will allow me to feel as though I’m not starting from complete zero.

Anyway, Returning & actually getting home has pretty much delivered me back to the “real world”, and my low-grade depression & anxiety as well, as i figured it would.  I don’t believe that it was a self-fulfilling prophecy.  I think it was simply the result of coming back home/down to earth.  Doesn’t feel very good at all, but I did expect it.  I’m grateful for the break I got though.  Also on the plus side is the fact that, essentially, I know what I have to do to get better logistically & mentally.  The tough part is always putting that into practice on a consistent basis.  Part of the what’s scaring me is that it’s all happening during the holidays.  Very very bad timing for me.  And this year, Christmas is going to be a real kick in the teeth for me emotionally, for very specific reasons.  I’ll share those in another thread tomorrow when I have a little more vigor.  Tonight, just trying to readjust & calm down.  I’ve never handled transition of any kind very well, and coming back home from traveling over the last few years has been one of the prime times with which I’ve had difficulty.  Tonight certainly fits the pattern.

What I just can’t shake is the horror that all this was resolved.  For a month.  And now it’s not. Again.  I was also told by my boss that it wasn’t my fault, but my gut tells me that I definitely played a part & that’s been extremely tough for me to handle from a guilt & shame standpoint.  Not to mention the discouragement & frustration.  Anyway, it is what it is and I just have to deal with it, like it or not.  And I do not.  Not that that matters at all.  Wish it did somehow.

I do have a few things I need to do tomorrow, but even that intimidates me.  I just have very little confidence, once again.  I definitely need to follow back up with the “first” new job, get my ass to a couple of meetings, call my therapist & box up a few things.  Sometimes though, for me, even small things like that can be either very hard to do or very easy to leave undone.  Guess I just have to truly give it my BEST shot, and not just lip service & say “ah, I tried”, or “ah, I couldn’t”, or “I’ll just do it tomorrow.”  And I know myself very well.  I can do that mind of thing on a professional level.

: /

That's rough. The sad thing about going away is often coming back. (I often hear people without mental health concerns say that coming home can be the best part, which is very confusing for me.)

Your job situation is very difficult, and I can imagine the stress and anxiety you feel. Your lack of confidence isn't surprising, as most people would be experiencing it under the circumstances, but give it your best shot, (as you say). Your very best shot. You'll get there!

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18 hours ago, MarkintheDark said:

@adamrparr We've discussed our shared childhood experiences with hellish "transitions" and a thought came immediately to mind.  idk if it's even something that would provide comfort in the moment.  For me, it was even those "six weeks every summer, Christmas every other year" (yes, Dottie West for my generation) that I only realized decades later helped the young Mark hold onto some semblance of sanity.  It almost precisely described my permitted visitations with Dad.

And, y'know, travel is stressful, too.  Good for you that you were able to get outta Dodge for a while.  I'm thinking it probably helped...though I sure as hell won't deny you any of what you're feeling/thinking tonight.

:hugs:

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17 hours ago, adamrparr said:

Oh yeah, man.  I know all too well those alternating holidays & the 6-8 weeks in the summer at Mom’s.  (What’s tragic is that now my kids are in the very same paradigm.  That’s the last thing on Earth that I ever wanted to sentence them to.  But that’s (my divorce) just one of those tragic, cataclysmic changes that can’t be unwound.  I have to make the best of it for THEM, but the layoff has clearly pissed on that parade.)

Divorce sucks when that happens. Ideally, there should be arrangements that keep things stable for the kids and give both parents equal time with them, but, of course, we both know that doesn't happen, and it's never calm. And yes, the layoff probably hasn't helped, but you know, you're doing your best, and I doubt your ex is perfect, either. Stay strong! Just be the best dad you can, and your kids will love you regardless of what happens.

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