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20YearsandCounting

How Do You Feel Right Now #11

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Sitting at home, watching tv, feeling ok/mediocre.  Glad to be off for the weekend.  Went to a noon AA meeting.  Pretty boring day.  Haven’t had the desire to do much at all.  Tremendous feelings of blah.  Not much social interaction today.  Am I just alone tonight or am I isolating?  I think a little of the latter.

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I had planned on having gotten paid for the first time yesterday & being able to do some fun things with the kids this weekend.  Haven’t been able to do that in quite a while.  First paycheck/direct deposit still hung up.  Procedural bullsh!t.  So none of that’s happening this weekend.  Makes me feel really bad & disappointed.  I have a lot of shame with regard to how they see me, of how I think they see me.  I feel like I’ve been disappointing for a long time and that was supposed to come to an end this week.  Didn’t happen.  That’s really got me down.

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I want to write on here but my mind’s kinda blank.  Very blah.  I’ve accepted how this weekend has turned out; I just don’t like it.  I just texted the kids but the truth is that I’m avoiding being on the phone with them.  That’s happening out of fear & shame.  It feels awful.

I also don’t want to take up more space on here than that to which I have a right.  Not self-pity, just self-conscious.

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As usual, @adamrparr, only my perspective, fwiw.  You jus' had a helluva week adjusting after five years, from what I understand, being essentially on hiatus.  That's bound to be draining.

Isolating?  Doesn't sound like it to me.  Heck, you got out to a meeting.  What I've sometimes noticed in my past with 12-step groups is that some members can be unusually hard on themselves and sometimes others will pick up on it.  The need for recharge time, for instance, becomes the extreme of "isolating."  If you need quiet time, imo, go for it.

And, hell, of course you're disappointed on the check issue.  It's not so much the money as what the money could have helped you do with your kids.  That's a double whammy.  At the least, perhaps reread your own posts from, say, 24 hours ago for some perspective that you're NOT a failure.  I know it doesn't feel like that at the moment.  So go ahead and recharge.

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29 minutes ago, MargotMontage said:

Feeling pretty bad. Health isn't so good, honestly. My disability is getting worse, I think. I hurt all inside my ribs. Maybe something's ruptured. I don't know that I have a future to speak of ... not one that I want. Therapists are hung up on me finding a man and how that (and children) will make me want to live long-term. They project a lot. Not my fault that's all they've got, and that they're not happy with it. (No offense to people who do want a partner and kids. It's cool if you do, and it's wonderful if it makes you happy. Just that I don't. And that my therapists don't seem happy with what they have.)

The hospital stay pretty much ruined a chance of higher education or a better job, and I can't do the job I used to due to my pain problems. I guess the psychiatrists are pretty proud of what they did. I'll  never be smarter/more successful/prettier than them now, (they goaded me about my weight even though they prescribed anti psychotics,) and I'll probably die younger. Of course, they want me to reproduce ... but only so they have future patients. Eugenics sort of achieved, I guess?

Yeah that's what they say and everyone says to me.  I need to make friends.  I need to find someone out there and have children even though if I took the handful of pills they wanted me to take that wouldn't be possible.  I'd be lucky if speaking was possible.  Why don't I go out and find people out there?  They are supposed to be people you trust and they completely ruined my life and almost killed me so who can I really trust?

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1 minute ago, adamrparr said:

I also don’t want to take up more space on here than that to which I have a right.  Not self-pity, just self-conscious.

Oh heck, take up space!  A lot of us go through that.  Personally, I found it helped to just get my own griping thread going.

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16 minutes ago, MarkintheDark said:

As usual, @adamrparr, only my perspective, fwiw.  You jus' had a helluva week adjusting after five years, from what I understand, being essentially on hiatus.  That's bound to be draining.

Isolating?  Doesn't sound like it to me.  Heck, you got out to a meeting.  What I've sometimes noticed in my past with 12-step groups is that some members can be unusually hard on themselves and sometimes others will pick up on it.  The need for recharge time, for instance, becomes the extreme of "isolating."  If you need quiet time, imo, go for it.

And, hell, of course you're disappointed on the check issue.  It's not so much the money as what the money could have helped you do with your kids.  That's a double whammy.  At the least, perhaps reread your own posts from, say, 24 hours ago for some perspective that you're NOT a failure.  I know it doesn't feel like that at the moment.  So go ahead and recharge.

Mark, I can’t thank you enough for that.  You’re exactly right in each & every point.  I really needed to hear all of that.  I do feel better.  Thank you, my friend.

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3 hours ago, PraiseBrownies said:

Spent all of today making stupid mistakes at work. No matter how hard i try to clean and organize and work I always mess up. I can't do anything right. I can't even use a stupid broom. I can't remember to mop under a table. The only thing I can do right is work with food and count the cash at the end of the day. My stupid memory has been broken ever since a certain incident when I was 14. No wonder disabled and mentally ill people have such a hard time finding jobs. I'd prolly be better off as a housewife or something. Then again, I can't clean. 

Hello @PraiseBrownies,

I am close to a few old guys that had a lot a power/responsibility and one of them said sometimes you are lucky to accomplish 20-30% of your assigned tasks.  I had issues at work this week also. 

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2 hours ago, Tilted said:

I get a little better at faking it all the time, but I'm still depressed af all day every day....

Yes I'm the master of faking it which really has made my life worse if anything.  Now people expect me to be able to do everything everyone else can.  I have to pretty much fake my way through every moment of life.  It gets old.  If people saw the disaster I am at the house that would be it for me.

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Rant on: I am so sick of people. Sick of total stranger looking at me in a rude way. They all give me the same stupid look. Either the look of disgust or the good ole rolling their got danm eye at me.. wtf even when im concealing my face with my hat and sunglasses i get the same shit look. Im not talking about kids but adult. Yes adult. Well ok we all know adult are more awful. Anyway rant off.

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After what I've seen and went through tonite I don't give a dam about having anyone in my life because everyone's a psycho and most every one is on drugs. I wish this world would end. I can't believe people are still having kids. This world is a HORRIBLE place 

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2 hours ago, watalife said:

After what I've seen and went through tonite I don't give a dam about having anyone in my life because everyone's a psycho and most every one is on drugs. I wish this world would end. I can't believe people are still having kids. This world is a HORRIBLE place 

Thing is a lot of mfers who should not be having kids are.  Having been the quiet guy has worked for me as I do not have to pay child support or alimony. 

I am grateful for having been able to pay off my vehicle in less than 2 years.  Just wish I could get some of my expenses down a little bit more. 

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7 hours ago, chucapabra said:

Rant on: I am so sick of people. Sick of total stranger looking at me in a rude way. They all give me the same stupid look. Either the look of disgust or the good ole rolling their got danm eye at me.. wtf even when im concealing my face with my hat and sunglasses i get the same shit look. Im not talking about kids but adult. Yes adult. Well ok we all know adult are more awful. Anyway rant off.

It's always been this way for me.  When I come out of the woods into town it's like Bigfoot has come to town.  Kids treat me bad too.  Even family.  It's been a lifetime of what the hell are you doing here when I show up.  When they find me one day they will say I don't understand what happened.  Of course not they didn't care enough to have a conversation with me.

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17 hours ago, sober4life said:

I wish you could have some peace and happiness in this world.  For me things are going exactly the way I figured they would go.  I've never wanted to be here and I never will want to be here.

it hurts me to hear you say that, but i feel like that too. i can't imagine how life that's so beautiful, and has so many beauties to offer steals and robs them from some while others get to enjoy them...oh well ..thats how it is...

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I gotta ask the collective population: Would you let your teenage child go out more than once a week for a couple hours during the school year? What about during summer?

I'm so frustrated. I think my parents are trying to box me in. My mother just yelled at me because I like going on dates with my fiance by walking around the neighborhood or heading to his house for a nap. Apparently twice a week, during breaks (I'm on fall break) is "too much". She said this exact same sh!t during summer. As in, summer break where I'm free 7 days of the week. 

Reminder that I am 17.

Edited by PraiseBrownies

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1 minute ago, PraiseBrownies said:

I gotta ask the collective population: Would you let your teenage child go out more than once a week 

I generally did not worry too much about where my teenagers were. Most of this was because I know they were responsible citizens and were usually at school. I have discovered that my attitude is not really universal.

Have you ever given your parents reason to worry about your whereabouts? Do you have a phone, so that they can contact you if they need to? It might be a good idea to discuss this rationally with them once the emotions of the curreny situation havr waned and see if you can come to a better agreement.

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48 minutes ago, JessiesMom said:

Have you ever given your parents reason to worry about your whereabouts? Do you have a phone, so that they can contact you if they need to? It might be a good idea to discuss this rationally with them once the emotions of the curreny situation havr waned and see if you can come to a better agreement.

Oh boy.

I have never given my parents reasons to worry. I'm always back before dark, I'm never alone, I have no history of drinking, drugs, etc. And all things considered I'm pretty responsible with my safety.

They won't let me have a phone. As a result my parents have the phone numbers of a ton of my friends and frankly it weirds me out. 

I've tried the rational discussion dozens upon dozens of times. I'm never given reasons as to why I can't go places, or my parents will make passive aggressive comments about me and the people I spend time with (not a bad crowd, most of us are straight B students in sports and ROTC and video gaming). 

If my parents were actually decent people that didn't tell me they hated me, this advice would be fantastic. 

Edited by PraiseBrownies

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2 hours ago, ladysmurf said:

it hurts me to hear you say that, but i feel like that too. i can't imagine how life that's so beautiful, and has so many beauties to offer steals and robs them from some while others get to enjoy them...oh well ..thats how it is...

Mostly people have destroyed me.  I am like someone that has been through war most of the time.  I will never be able to be well again.  My entire life people that have been in positions where I should be able to trust them have abused that every way they can.  I see hope for you and everyone here but there is none for me.  It's been over for me for a long time.  There may have never been hope for me.  If I believed in heaven I would be there right now.

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55 minutes ago, JessiesMom said:

Have you ever given your parents reason to worry about your whereabouts? Do you have a phone, so that they can contact you if they need to? It might be a good idea to discuss this rationally with them once the emotions of the curreny situation havr waned and see if you can come to a better agreement.

It is not possible to have rational discussions with control freaks, @JessiesMom.

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2 hours ago, ladysmurf said:

i can't imagine how life that's so beautiful, and has so many beauties to offer steals and robs them from some while others get to enjoy them...

What narcotics are you taking to give you the impression that life is beautiful & offer many beauties?

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Have had difficulty getting out of the gate all day.  I suppose, considering my week and ongoing pressures, I could have expected it.  It's just damn maddening to feel so weak physically.  I'm a bit relieved for the Monday holiday, however.  That means I can write off today.

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