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How Do You Feel Right Now #11


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That's how it is done my friend one step at a time and one day at a time.  The

problems comes in when we try to do to much and overwhelm ourselves,  I know

we want to move as fast as the pace of lighting but it is better to move slow than not to

be able to move at all, 

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4 hours ago, isabella24 said:

Hello,

I am new to this in every way. I am not a very expressive person and it is very hard to say how I feel out loud and I guess it is the reason why I felt writing was best. I am not wordy either so it is hard to put things together. I suffer from depression, OCD, and anxiety. The past year has been the most difficult for me because my life changed  and in terms made me change as well.  I was on medications for everything and weighted myself off with advice from my doctors. I found ways to keep myself going and learn my new circumstances and continue with school. I stopped working a traditional job and babysit now and I have more time with my family. Now, things are changing and I fell back into a state and everything that I used to do to get myself out I feel will not work anymore. I have support from my family and friends but yet I feel so lonely. I feel lost inside and everything that I once knew that I was is all lost and I dont know who I am anymore and it feels overwhelming trying to figure that out. Figuring myself out as well as what job to find and how to be social again (because that give me anxiety within itself) how to be a good mother and wife when I struggle even waking up everyday. I don't give anyone attention as I used to and I just feel angry and hopeless. I have lost my sense of direction and determination. People say what I am doing is enough and I should be happy and there's nothing truly wrong in my life but for me I see the opposite of that. I feel like I am the reason why my family is struggling so much because of my problems. I do not see myself like everyone else sees me. I like to help people and be apart of everything but l can't even help myself and I have gave up on the smallest things that make me happy. I have lost all energy to even have a full conversion with someone. I want to give up on everything on life. I feel like everyone is better off without me around. I see no positive outlooks and I see no future and I do not know what to do to find myself again.  

Welcome to DF! Sorry you are in such a dark place. I can understand that. You are not alone. We have an illness that takes the life out of us. We didn't cause it and can't control it. So I try to treat myself like if I have another kind of illness. I need to be extra gentle with myself and do one small thing at a time. So please don't blame yourself. You are not the depression/anxiety. You are a good person who has a serious illness that affects your life.

BW

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2 hours ago, ladysmurf said:

sadly i agree with you ...not everyone can be saved but that's life..

Nobody is going to save me.  All that's left is the Truman Show act for the rest of the year and maybe disappear like he did.  I trust everyone around me as much as he did on the movie at this point.

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Today was a good day. 318 days until I turn 18 and can move out. Seems like forever when you're young. 

Sometimes I worry about my sister and how my parents will treat her when I leave, but then I remember that she's mostly likely straight/cis, is not disabled, and isn't mentally ill. She'll be fine. 

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31 minutes ago, PraiseBrownies said:

Today was a good day. 318 days until I turn 18 and can move out. Seems like forever when you're young. 

Sometimes I worry about my sister and how my parents will treat her when I leave, but then I remember that she's mostly likely straight/cis, is not disabled, and isn't mentally ill. She'll be fine. 

I can about imagine what they would think of me then.  I can't wait until you are out of there!

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On 10/4/2019 at 7:05 AM, Tears_Always said:

@MarkintheDark I am going to wish you less stress and I will hope for a miracle for you (though in truth I really shouldn't as I am almost certainly condemning you, things generally go the opposite of what I hope for).

@PraiseBrownies thank you for the smile.

@sober4lifeI am not sure I believe that anyone gets to have someone or thing to believe in or be there, it is some kind of fantasy

@Mikayla I would love to do either but I have no one.

I really pray for you to find some helpful friends who you could meet personally but if they come, don't push them away..:)

Edited by Mikayla
Some technical issues I can't fix anyway:)
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30 minutes ago, Mikayla said:

I really pray for you to find some helpful friends who you could meet personally but if they come, don't push them away..:)

I will certainly try not to but I really don't think I would even recognize someone as a possible friend. Anyone I have ever thought of as a friend or possible friend has not seen me the same way. IDK guess that is just part of the many things wrong with me.

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Anxious. I saw that the Red Cross is looking for a volunteer receptionist and I have been thinking about calling.  It would be a way to gain experience and get out of the house. But the anxiety has ahold of me.

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6 minutes ago, nojoy said:

Anxious. I saw that the Red Cross is looking for a volunteer receptionist and I have been thinking about calling.  It would be a way to gain experience and get out of the house. But the anxiety has ahold of me.

I have faith in you.  That would be wonderful for you.  I know how you feel anxiety has been keeping me in too.  I can't let it win.  I'm heading out right now.  I hope you make the call.:hugs:

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Doing ok.  I'm at work and got here on time.  Seems like such a small, automatic thing for many people, but for me, it's always been a great difficulty.  I have an extremely long history of problems with attendance at work, in virtually every job I've ever had.  The nature of the job has never been a factor.  I couldn't even begin to count the number of days/weeks that I've been out "sick" in my head.  Many of them were the result of being slightly depressed & lazy, while others were the result of being emotionally paralyzed & unable to engage.  So today, just having that little victory is a very big deal to me.

Two other things as they relate to work:

First, I'm damned proud of myself for being nearly completely self-managed.  My boss is here but he's very hands-off.  He's given me projects to learn about & work on and it's been up to me to be disciplined & truly get to work as opposed to just surfing the web, etc.  For some reason, this time around, this element has become much easier for me.  Hopefully, this is a sign of growing maturity & discipline.

Lastly, I'm very happy with this new job but I'm not here primarily for myself.  The main reason I wanted a job like this was to be able to better provide for the kids.  My ex-wife & my parents have kept them much more than flush, but the fact is that I haven't been able to contribute like I should, and I've felt awful about this for quite a long time.  Now, when I come to work, I feel like I'm working for them, and that feels absolutely fantastic.  I'm overjoyed that this fundamental element of our lives has changed dramatically.  They're thrilled about the job too, and once the pay actually begins, they'll actually begin to enjoy the fruits of my labor, and that's what I really want.

(Not that I'm not happy with having a much more comfortable lifestyle myself.  I certainly am, but the kids feel like the priority, which is as it should be.  I feel like I'm almost living as adult should.  My family, Dad in particular, has been extremely disappointed in me for the last five years, and in many ways, rightfully so.  At this point, I'm happy that those kinds of things will change in his eyes, and those of others, without my having to say a word.  Actions & their results will demonstrate on their own.)

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58 minutes ago, ladysmurf said:

i sleep way too much..and i dont eat well either.. not fun.....i hope you guys are hanging in...

Bad sleep & diet habits have been hallmarks for me for many years.  I do get it.

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I noticed I am becoming more and more anxious when I have to walk in crowded places. My meds can do nothing about that, it seems, but then I do not take any anxiolytics. I hate that feeling, I find it hard to even breathe then and I cannot stop it, I walk faster and faster and it is only making things worse, but still, I can't stop. I don't know what the reason is, but it happens mostly after work. And it ruins the rest of the day.

I am dead inside and don't even try to hide it on the outside. The only relief I get is when I take my meds for the evening. And by that I mean the previous, higher dose, not the one I was given last time I saw my psychiatrist. At least I can get rid of all the thoughts and fall asleep.

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So today I’m going to the Institute of Mental Health for my appointment. I don’t like going there it’s a waste of time I feel. What difference does it make, there is still so much in life and in this world that is just so wrong, and living is such a troublesome thing with so many unnecessary things to do. Ugh. I really don’t feel like getting out of bed today. But what choice do I have. Today is going to be a great day. 

Edited by Depressedgurl007
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Home from work now but beyond exhausted.  Even watching tv is taxing.  Hopefully I’ll be able to get to sleep earlier than I did last night.  Exhausted last night & trouble sleeping.  Bewildering.

Since starting this new job I’ve been destroyed from an energy standpoint.  Scares me.

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6 minutes ago, adamrparr said:

Home from work now but beyond exhausted.  Even watching tv is taxing.  Hopefully I’ll be able to get to sleep earlier than I did last night.  Exhausted last night & trouble sleeping.  Bewildering.

Since starting this new job I’ve been destroyed from an energy standpoint.  Scares me.

The stress of it is what knocks me down.  Jobs where I never have to talk to people are perfect for me.  I need to be an over the road truck driver.  Also I need to check out your alien archivists channel.  It should be interesting.

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