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How Do You Feel Right Now #11


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3 hours ago, PraiseBrownies said:

Tired, but that's how I always feel. My fiance tells me that I'm a bit like a rechargable battery that keeps being used to 0% and then barely being allowed to charge at my house because of how much energy it all sucks away. Or I get overcharged over 100% and that's a bit funky. Sounds about right, if I'm not exhausted I'm ridiculously hyperactive. 

That sucks 😞 While it's probably your family environment, could it also be your medication?

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2 hours ago, MarkintheDark said:

Despite a night of fitful, irregular sleep, forced myself out this morning to cover a special airport event from a position, that to my surprise, none of my colleagues had taken.  Helped I brought along a cup of 7-11 coffee.  Even grabbed groceries and a Subway sammy on the way back.  Kinda felt normal for the first time in a while, particularly after the rough few days I've detailed here.

Then really surprised Mom's pastor messaged me for the first time in months.  He asked how I was...and I was as honest as I could be, right down to, no, I can't/won't deal with Mom's perpetual tears and craziness because I'm overwhelmed with my own sh*t right now.  idk that he'll be any help, but I laid out my distress to him.  He doesn't care that I'm not religious.  To be frank, I still figure I'll be completely disappointed.

Strangely enough, what I like after a bad night is a cup of 7-11 coffee and a Subway sandwich, so I relate. I hope the airport event went well.

Well, I'm glad that the pastor was non-judgmental, but I guess that what he has to say may not be very helpful if it doesn't apply to you in some crucial way. I guess that you could take out what's useful and leave the rest of what he says? There should be something helpful, one would hope.

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1 hour ago, MB89 said:

Awful, I’ve signed up to this with no knowledge of whether I am depressed, I just know I need to tell someone things as I feel absolutely awful. Hard to explain ..

Welcome, MB89! It's ok if you're not sure how to name what's wrong. If you're not feeling good, and you need to share it, then these forums are the right place for you. Don't be scared to talk. There are a lot of people here who will listen. :hugs:

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2 minutes ago, MargotMontage said:

Welcome, MB89! It's ok if you're not sure how to name what's wrong. If you're not feeling good, and you need to share it, then these forums are the right place for you. Don't be scared to talk. There are a lot of people here who will listen. :hugs:

Thank you, I don’t want to ramble on, I never ever imagined I’d be anywhere near to suffering depression or any other condition, just have loads of pressures that some will consider minor, but gets on top of me and I can’t really process it in a constructive way, I don’t necessarily have a close person I can discuss anything with, a cumulative effect that’s getting more and more difficult the manage. 

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25 minutes ago, MargotMontage said:

That sucks 😞 While it's probably your family environment, could it also be your medication?

I almost wish it was, it would explain some things. But I've been on consistent meds for the past 3 years or so and this feeling only hit within the past month or two. 

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21 minutes ago, MB89 said:

Thank you, I don’t want to ramble on, I never ever imagined I’d be anywhere near to suffering depression or any other condition, just have loads of pressures that some will consider minor, but gets on top of me and I can’t really process it in a constructive way, I don’t necessarily have a close person I can discuss anything with, a cumulative effect that’s getting more and more difficult the manage. 

Well, there are a lot of people who get depression and never imagined it could happen to them. It's especially likely when you get swamped with lots of pressure in life and don't get a chance to process everything. It's also very sad that you don't have anybody to talk to, so I hope the forums will help with that.

It's always a good idea to spend a while working out why you feel depressed and if there's a way to work through it, because once you go to a doctor, they're going to be focused on medication, and that tends to be difficult to stop once you're on. I definitely recommend taking time to explore what's making you feel depressed, and seeing if there's a way to work through it.

If you need to, you are welcome to message me!

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Just now, MargotMontage said:

Well, there are a lot of people who get depression and never imagined it could happen to them. It's especially likely when you get swamped with lots of pressure in life and don't get a chance to process everything. It's also very sad that you don't have anybody to talk to, so I hope the forums will help with that.

It's always a good idea to spend a while working out why you feel depressed and if there's a way to work through it, because once you go to a doctor, they're going to be focused on medication, and that tends to be difficult to stop once you're on. I definitely recommend taking time to explore what's making you feel depressed, and seeing if there's a way to work through it.

If you need to, you are welcome to message me!

I really appreciate that, thank you. 

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I was doing great...

I had to break the no contact rule with my ex...ive filed for divorce and have to serve the papers on her, so i have to figure out where she is.

Just having to deal with the lies and bs has brought me down - big time crash for me.

Maybe another hour of sleep and ill be OK

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On 9/26/2019 at 3:33 PM, salparadise6132 said:

Thank you everyone!!!  So, so much.  I am sorry I put you through any worry - though I am touched.

I took an overdose last Friday morning.  Fortunately, the only think I had in my cupboard was a bottle of expired "statins," which my doctor said would not do the trick.  I have been in the mental ward without phone for the past six days.  They set me free this morning.

I am feeling much better.  I have a plan.  They helped me so much, the doctors, nurses, social workers, therapists and most especially, the other folks in with me.

I love you all!!!!!!  And I'm glad to be back.

Holy cats! I'm happy that you are back, my friend. I was away from a computer for over a week and am just now catching up on DF posts.

It's great to know that you received such excellent care & help. Most importantly, I'm very happy to know that you are feeling much better--and that you are still with us!

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6 hours ago, Marc C said:

alone, unloved, unwanted. i'm so dying alone, that's what i feel right now.  this girl i like dont give a shit about me... my 37th birthday is coming in 2 days and i'm going to celebrate it by myself... yeah... i'm alone, unloved and unwanted.

I'd come over and celebrate your birthday with you if I could. My 60th is coming up next month.

I can get really down about relationships (or lack thereof) too. I'm trying to convince myself that it's my reaction to those relationships (or lack of) that is the most important. Maybe there is another woman out there who is far nicer than the one who doesn't seem to care about you. You might bump into her on the sidewalk or in an elevator tomorrow morning. Ya just never know...

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I got back to work from a week off. I was feeling pretty good, ready to tackle the 284 emails waiting for me, and the line of staff people who wanted to take a few whacks at me. I was ready for it!

But then my boss dropped in and slammed the door shut. I had screwed something up on my time sheet and he went f'ing BALLISTIC on me. He even called HR to lodge a reprimand against me. The Director of the entire department will also get a copy of this reprimand.

My boss only has 3 weeks left before he retires and he's gotta land on me like that. One of my coworkers said he was whipping sh!t up in another unit too so that made me feel ever so slightly better--maybe he's not just singling me out. But others say he *is* singling me out. I dunno.

What I do know is, I'm back to being every bit as distressed as I was before I went on vacation.

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5 hours ago, MargotMontage said:

Well, I'm glad that the pastor was non-judgmental, but I guess that what he has to say may not be very helpful if it doesn't apply to you in some crucial way. I guess that you could take out what's useful and leave the rest of what he says? There should be something helpful, one would hope.

Helps that the pastor is my age and we've both struggled with serious health issues/hospitalizations the past year.  (Yeah, for years I've been a fan of "take what you like and leave the rest.)  He's the one who started supporting me over a year ago that I could ignore Mom's tears in every damn conversation, and even (as her doc also told me) get assertive about it (i.e., "No, we're not doing tears today").  As some of you might recall, that approach turned off the waterworks almost immediately.  Right now, I don't need the damned reminder...even talking about it was triggering.  Put another way, she just sucks the life out of the room. 

She has constant support all over the place IRL and I have none.  I was stuck cleaning up her legal, financial, medical and housing messes as others, even family, walked away from it...plus my own sh*t to manage.  I've made sure her housing/medical needs are automatically being met without my further involvement.  She has her church ladies for the rest.  I long ago quit giving a damn what a few shallow, sheltered, privileged suburban church ladies fretting about their new cars think.

I may take him up on a lunch offer.  I got pretty candid with him about my mental health issues, though not the ideation (i.e, yes, I DO have a plan).  Frankly, however, that area of discussion is not off the table either.  I'm beyond caring what some people think.

Edited by MarkintheDark
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3 hours ago, JD4010 said:

I got back to work from a week off. I was feeling pretty good, ready to tackle the 284 emails waiting for me, and the line of staff people who wanted to take a few whacks at me. I was ready for it!

But then my boss dropped in and slammed the door shut. I had screwed something up on my time sheet and he went f'ing BALLISTIC on me. He even called HR to lodge a reprimand against me. The Director of the entire department will also get a copy of this reprimand.

My boss only has 3 weeks left before he retires and he's gotta land on me like that. One of my coworkers said he was whipping sh!t up in another unit too so that made me feel ever so slightly better--maybe he's not just singling me out. But others say he *is* singling me out. I dunno.

What I do know is, I'm back to being every bit as distressed as I was before I went on vacation.

I would love to have a face to face talk with your boss.  If I was there I would stick up for you.  He wouldn't be able to fire me.  I would take out 40 years of built up anger and rage on him for the whole office to see.

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4 hours ago, JD4010 said:

My boss only has 3 weeks left before he retires and he's gotta land on me like that.

Well you said it right there, everything you have said about him says that is a power hungry little man, who likely has self-esteem issues. His whole life has been about the power of controlling others and now he is losing it, so you have to do as much damage as you can before you go. I pity his wife if he has one he is going to make her life h**l 

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8 hours ago, JD4010 said:

But then my boss dropped in and slammed the door shut. I had screwed something up on my time sheet and he went f'ing BALLISTIC on me. He even called HR to lodge a reprimand against me. The Director of the entire department will also get a copy of this reprimand.

My boss only has 3 weeks left before he retires and he's gotta land on me like that. One of my coworkers said he was whipping sh!t up in another unit too so that made me feel ever so slightly better--maybe he's not just singling me out. But others say he *is* singling me out. I dunno.

May his house be live on CNN.

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I had just two visits with my latest ex general practitioner.  Being honest, I told him I'd stopped taking a several years old regimen of gabapentin about a year or so ago because after a week or so of regular use it turned me into a zombie, zero energy, and wasn't doing anything positive.  I have since read that the lack of energy is a side effect for some, and can be pronounced.

So, that was a trigger for him I guess.  He went into a practiced recitation of what can come from "Non Compliance."  He gently slammed a sheaf of papers as he emoted.  A "V" he said could be added as a water mark on all my medical records, a V that would follow me--his words--for the remainder of my years.  He got more worked up and I smiled just a bit, and he got more worked up for that.  When in hell do I get the Star of David patch to sew on my jacket?  I'm not scared of no stinking faded "V" following me around.  I guess I wasn't registering enough of the intimidated scale to calm him, so he abruptly stood up and left.  

I figured the appointment was over, but did holler down the hall and he stepped out of his office to give me the quick results of my latest blood test.  I've had good docs over the years too, but maybe the numbers of the non compliant are growing, so intimidation has reached its limit as a teaching tool.  So, I saw a new guy in the office to get an actual 2nd opinion on my latest blood to root out a potential kidney something with a specialist.  The new guy seems fine.  My first impression is that he hears me when I speak. 

FYI, my pharmacist told me recently that gabapentin--which used to be handed out like M&Ms--has now been added to the more dangerous side of the dangerous med list, so you have to choose your compliance more carefully these days.

Hope all feel better.

Bulgakov

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14 hours ago, sober4life said:

I would love to have a face to face talk with your boss.  If I was there I would stick up for you.  He wouldn't be able to fire me.  I would take out 40 years of built up anger and rage on him for the whole office to see.

I'd sell tickets for that show. We'd quickly be rich!

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9 hours ago, Bulgakov said:

FYI, my pharmacist told me recently that gabapentin--which used to be handed out like M&Ms--has now been added to the more dangerous side of the dangerous med list, so you have to choose your compliance more carefully these days.

I hear that. For a while, gabapentin seemed like the only thing giving me proper sleep. Then I realized it had zombified me and was rapidly increasing my depression. Into the trash it went!

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Another night of fitful off-and-on sleep last night.  A real struggle to decide whether to tackle the day or try to nod off in bed.  New owner has had guys over here for two days cutting back the trees and bushes, making a lot of noise, however.

My escape was to get out to the airport to catch first glimpse of a special livery coming in and running into one of my favorite partners in crime.  Helped, too, I grabbed my 7-11 coffee on the way over.  I'm still foggy, but happy with the pix, glad I got to pal around for a few minutes, and even knock off an annoying errand on the way back.  I still feel wrung out.

 

Edited by MarkintheDark
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Slightly motivated (still - it's just work that makes me feel better), but also worried about my ability to finish projects in new system with certain amount of time for each of them (that would give me extra cash, I was told by my employer). If I exceed the time, I will still get the regular salary, so no risk here. But I would really like to become more organized, less messy, stop wasting time on useless details and get rid of that compulsive checking my own work countless times.

Apart from that, I'm tired. It feels awful in public transport while commuting back. I feel as if everyone around knew my thoughts just by looking at me. And I am just there thinking of myself as a failure. They can see it, I guess, and then I just regret being on the surface and not underground.

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