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How Do You Feel Right Now #11


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Oddly good, maybe hypomanic. I have moderated the coffee and avoided sugary food, which seem to keep my mood from swinging. Even though I woke up too early as usual, I wasn't depressed as usual. I got a little creative work done this morning, which also helps.

I am beginning to see that my days have long been filled with an empty, computer-obsessed routine. It's starkly clear now that I am out of my familiar environs. Now I need to set some goals and start planning, which has been hard to do when I don't have hope for the future.

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Tired of myself. Cannot focus on anything after work. Took the pills, just to be sedated and fall asleep, that's the only thing they've been useful recently. No idea what to do next. Keep working and hope I won't collapse, but then collapse anyway? Stay somewhere for therapy, lose the job and collapse just a bit later? Seems it doesn't matter, the result is going to be exactly the same. I am starting to get some weird thoughts about life in general and that was never a good sign. Hope to sleep well soon.

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On 9/29/2019 at 8:29 AM, Tilted said:

This sort of abuse is far too common. And yet people will disbelieve you unless you accept a doctor's advice as the word of God. Its as if receiving a medical license imparts you with superpowers - people forget that doctors are human and many of them have flaws and are dishonest, just like any other profession.

You are 100% correct.  

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Haven't felt this badly in a while.  I hate myself.  Didn't sleep last night.  Then I completely shut down today, staying in bed, asleep, almost all day.  Dammit, I have things to do and can't pull myself together to do much more than a run to the convenience store for cigs.

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9 hours ago, duck said:

Therapist:  You only focus on negative things.  You need to focus on positive things.

Me:  I am not a battery. I do not have -ve and +ve.

I am hoping to cheer up all of you with the above post.  🙂

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6 hours ago, sober4life said:

Yesterday and today life certainly tried to give me knockout punches but life doesn't know who it's messing with.  Before yesterday I had given up completely but now I'll never give up never! 

:hugs:

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13 hours ago, MarkintheDark said:

Haven't felt this badly in a while.  I hate myself.  Didn't sleep last night.  Then I completely shut down today, staying in bed, asleep, almost all day.  Dammit, I have things to do and can't pull myself together to do much more than a run to the convenience store for cigs.

We love you here!  I know how you feel.  I used to hate myself all the time.  The longer I'm alone in this world the more I get past it.  I'm constantly saying to myself I'm certainly not as bad as that "person".  I've gotten past my self hatred by realizing people in general are awful.

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alone, unloved, unwanted. i'm so dying alone, that's what i feel right now.  this girl i like dont give a shit about me... my 37th birthday is coming in 2 days and i'm going to celebrate it by myself... yeah... i'm alone, unloved and unwanted.

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Tired, but that's how I always feel. My fiance tells me that I'm a bit like a rechargable battery that keeps being used to 0% and then barely being allowed to charge at my house because of how much energy it all sucks away. Or I get overcharged over 100% and that's a bit funky. Sounds about right, if I'm not exhausted I'm ridiculously hyperactive. 

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Despite a night of fitful, irregular sleep, forced myself out this morning to cover a special airport event from a position, that to my surprise, none of my colleagues had taken.  Helped I brought along a cup of 7-11 coffee.  Even grabbed groceries and a Subway sammy on the way back.  Kinda felt normal for the first time in a while, particularly after the rough few days I've detailed here.

Then really surprised Mom's pastor messaged me for the first time in months.  He asked how I was...and I was as honest as I could be, right down to, no, I can't/won't deal with Mom's perpetual tears and craziness because I'm overwhelmed with my own sh*t right now.  idk that he'll be any help, but I laid out my distress to him.  He doesn't care that I'm not religious.  To be frank, I still figure I'll be completely disappointed.

Edited by MarkintheDark
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On 9/29/2019 at 6:45 PM, duck said:

Agreed.  

Many of you already know that I saw 37 doctors over an eleven year span who failed to diagnose me with GAD.  Many of them were hostile and they verbally abused me.   The 38th doctor got my illness correct.   I filed a complaint against some of the doctors and the College of Physicians insulted me, fabricated evidence against me, and covered up for them.  I was locked up for ten days.  When I was discharged from the hospital one of the doctors who sent me to the hospital kept phoning me late at night and harassing me and my mom.  I reported him to the authorities but nothing was done to him.  

I think that phoning you at night is a new low. It's like he wasn't even pretending that his hostility came from his approach to psychiatry, and he knows that he's a sadist.

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4 hours ago, Marc C said:

alone, unloved, unwanted. i'm so dying alone, that's what i feel right now.  this girl i like dont give a shit about me... my 37th birthday is coming in 2 days and i'm going to celebrate it by myself... yeah... i'm alone, unloved and unwanted.

I'm very sad to hear it. I don't know if this makes it any better, but I'm afraid a lot of people have this problem, and all of us who do feel terrible. it's still not fair, though, and I wish it wasn't that way for you.

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