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How Do You Feel Right Now #11


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I'm in, like, a state of surreal confusion?

I decided to take today off of school, needed a break since I had overworked myself last week, sent in an absence form and went back to sleep. My father barges into my room, starts yelling at me about how irresponsible I am and how I can't do anything right and then smashed his head into my doorway and punched my wall and then left. He also called the school to tell them I was a filthy lazy liar. 

I... what just happened??? What do I do???

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23 hours ago, Bulgakov said:

Last few days started to cool off Duck.  Last week at this time, 107 degrees.  These days are mid to high 90s, feels like heaven.  Snow birds will begin arriving, and tent cities with wares for sale in next two months will blossom--mostly rocks. 

Bulga

Interesting.  🙂

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Useless, pointless, helpless. Wish I was also fearless so I could end it all. I'm stuck in my head instead. With fear, negative symptoms, depression and all the hatred for myself. I fail at life so much that my work is the only activity keeping my thoughts away from the "suicide zone". And at the same time I hate it recently. I don't know what I actually want from my life. Maybe I wish it hadn''t ever started. And I fear of ending it, actually I fear more of any possible after-death experience than of the end of existence and consciousness "option".

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Not bad at the moment. I'm back at my Peet's where I start every day at 7ish after getting kicked out of the overnight parking lot. I bought a little travel pillow yesterday and that made the car a lot more comfortable. Only two of us there last night. It reinforces my thoughts of failure: the economy is buzzing and everyone is making out except me! What the heck has happened to me?? It seems that I was committing slow suicide by withdrawing, bit by bit, from everything. In fact, ending my life was part of the grand plan born in an alcoholic brain about 10 years ago. Now I'm here and it doesn't seem like such a good idea, but I am still in an emotional and motivational limbo. I need to reconnect with people and world, and most of all, with my own alien heart.

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7 hours ago, PraiseBrownies said:

I'm in, like, a state of surreal confusion?

I decided to take today off of school, needed a break since I had overworked myself last week, sent in an absence form and went back to sleep. My father barges into my room, starts yelling at me about how irresponsible I am and how I can't do anything right and then smashed his head into my doorway and punched my wall and then left. He also called the school to tell them I was a filthy lazy liar. 

I... what just happened??? What do I do???

Go live with someone who does not abuse you emotionally?

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7 minutes ago, samadhiSheol said:

Back ache, thumbs and forearm pain. Thanks, crappy tendons, crappy job.

Off to the pub for a "local anaesthetic".

Probably no worse for the liver than the conventional pharma crap..

Or general anaesthetic. I feel like crap.

Edited by samadhiSheol
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Getting weary of these mood swings. Had a big crash after morning coffee and now I'm on the upswing again. I think it may have been the multivitamins I took with my croissant. Hiding out again at Peet's (with air conditioning) while temps soar past 90 again today.

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17 minutes ago, BeyondWeary said:

Had a bad night and got very depressed even feeling like I could not go on. I'm very moody and sad. I have a call into my psychiatrist. Will this ever end???

Yeah, I sure know that feeling. Wish I had a therapist but I can't afford a good one.

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Struggling between anxiety and depression.  No real satisfactory results on apt search - have to be out 10/31 - and even drove some of the neighborhoods to perhaps find stuff that isn't advertised, that hasn't succumbed to gentrification.

Have the clinic's NP Thurs morning.  She's about the only remaining person I trust there.  IDK how honest to be with her since, given the clinic's record of blowing off her requests, it won't result in any help for me medically.  I certainly can't be honest on the PHQ9.

Edited by MarkintheDark
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2 hours ago, John_in_SF said:

Getting weary of these mood swings. Had a big crash after morning coffee and now I'm on the upswing again. I think it may have been the multivitamins I took with my croissant. Hiding out again at Peet's (with air conditioning) while temps soar past 90 again today.

You might want to take it easy on the caffeine if you get moody after taking some. 

Right now I feel tired.  I was gaming and studying this morning.  I started sucking (so did my team) so I decided to ease off.

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