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20YearsandCounting

How Do You Feel Right Now #11

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2 hours ago, The_Unwanted said:

Don't get me wrong. Suicide hotlines can be helpful, if the scenario calls for it.

But if we're going to be completely honest about my situation, I need much, much more than a suicide hotline chit-chat.

Hotlines don't do therapy. The only reason they exist is keep you from doing "it." If your life continues to be miserable, they don't care, just so long as your life continues.

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I recently visited a family member after being fairly isolated for a few months, due to circumstance and distance rather than depression, I had been doing well at keeping in contact on the phone prior to the visit. I have recently moved for work and although the new town is not in the top 10 places to be, I was doing okay.

The visit, to my mother, was uneventful but I got to have dinner with her and my stepdad; watch TV and chat about whatever came up. When I returned home however I was welcomed by a flood.

The flood started with a trickle, then a stream and then a torrent; of feeling, not water. Like a river that originated from a spring, it carried my mind over rocks and hillsides, ever widening and picking up speed it rushed over my mind and instead of being home again I was there.  Where I ended up was like an open air theatre, no grandeur, more like a sheet between two trees and a projector reeling in the background. You don't need a ticket to this show and you must bring your own chair, which will never be comfortable for more than ten minutes! Snacks are on offer for a price that is hiked, and not justifiable when you know what you're about to watch.

I knew what I was about to watch as I had written, edited and directed this feature; and I called it 'The Great Mistakes' - A five day film of every bad thing that had happened in my life, could happen in my life, and for good measure some added anxiety about horrible things that could happen anywhere, any time, and to anybody but likely never will as they are figurements of my own imagination.

Has anybody else ever seen their own movie of mistakes?

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5 minutes ago, me myself and alice said:

Has anybody else ever seen their own movie of mistakes?

Yes, it plays nightly in my head starting around 3 am. There are brief intermissions of sleep and the reels become more intense toward dawn.

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2 minutes ago, John_in_SF said:

Yes, it plays nightly in my head starting around 3 am. There are brief intermissions of sleep and the reels become more intense toward dawn.

I wish I could swap reels with you, I'm bored of mine now!

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6 hours ago, MarkintheDark said:

All day have drifted between numbness and shutting down.  I'd hoped for better today, but I failed.

That's not really failure. You didn't do or not do anything to create the experience, so it can't be your fault or failure. It's just a very sad situation for you. :hugs:

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4 hours ago, iWantRope said:

Are those hotline operators paid enough to care that much?

No but I believe they want to make a difference in this crappy world.  They genuinely believe the world is a good place and we are weak and cannot handle life.  That's why they keep telling us we need to build resilience.  I challenge them all the time.  I ask why do we need resilience if people are good? So far they have failed to answer my question.

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5 hours ago, sober4life said:

It hurts seeing you hurting so much.  I wish I could be there to hug you and tell you everything is going to be all right and help you through this.

Love you, sober.  Thanks me dear!!!

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I'm getting dizzy.  Maybe the pills I took will do what they were intended to do.

If so, I will be grateful - dead, but grateful all the same.  I've been up for 48 hours.  I am tired now.  I hope I don't wake up.  Truth is, everyone, especially my "friends" are out to undermine me. 

All the loves of my life abandoned me.  Full stop.

I'm too weak for this world.,

Wish me luck - (i.e. that I don't wake up).  It sounds awful, but, hell they put lame horses down.  Why not me?

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