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20YearsandCounting

How Do You Feel Right Now #11

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4 hours ago, sober4life said:

I don't think I understand people socially that well either.  When I'm depressed I think everyone hates me and wants me dead.  When I'm manic I think everyone I'm interested in is either interested in me or flirting with me.

I know it's not really funny, but I had to laugh about the flirting thing, only because I've been there. Like, why the he'll wouldn't they be flirting with me?! I kick ass! 😛

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On 1/12/2020 at 6:31 PM, Tears_Always said:

This is so sad many of us here in the community grieving the loss of Dave / MarkintheDark, sad part is all we have is each other for support. If we were a "real" support group there would be counselors and support rushing in to help. Yet because of the nature of this group there is nothing we don't exist, our pain is not real, and we don't matter, kind of like how we feel in "real" life. The sad thing is people are much freer here with their words, thoughts, and feelings, we don't feel the need to measure every word and try to think of what consequences anything we say will have in the future. It is really so sad that the world is not a safe place.

Hugs.

I haven't been here much, specifically because of this.  I struggle with the idea that someone like Dave can come here and essentially plan his death (with, at times, encouragement from others) then **** himself (as far as we know) and there is no...anything for those still here.

DF is a great place to come if you need to unload about the things you can't say anywhere else.  People here *get it.*  There is a comfort in that, for sure.  Thing is, though, if there aren't consequences for some of the behaviors exhibited here, then it becomes no more than a dumping ground for the darkness.  Lines get blurred and a place that is supposed to offer comfort and support ends up doing otherwise.

I'm grateful there are places to go where members not only support, but never enable.

Sorry.  DF has done good things for some people.  It just scares me that the damage this does goes virtually (and publicly) unnoticed.

 

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19 hours ago, adamrparr said:

Well, turns out that this girl does want to go out again.  See?  Told you I awful at picking up on hints.

Yay!

 

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@sober4life don't feel bad. I pay for a phone that never rings and a home that never gets vistors. I have pushed people away alot with my overly sensitive personality but that doesn't mean I want to be alone all the time. I asked my only parent not to long ago if he thought i was a horrible person and he said ''do you really want me to answer that'' . Now isn't that a great support system 😒

 

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My family completely abandoned me and mom.  When she got sick 2 years ago mom told me to to call them when she was rushed out of here and I was surprised anyone showed up.  None of them love me.  I probably hold the record for most times asked if I've set up a will yet.

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Argued with my dad and feeling so down cos of this. I know I should just say sorry so that I can put this behind me but when I know I can't get that person's support, I feel I don't want to put myself in that position of wanting to hope for support anymore. I can't stop hating myself. 

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On 2/14/2020 at 9:11 PM, samadhiSheol said:

This is atrocious. There is no excuse for domestic violence. None.

Never believe it is YOUR fault, @Depressedgurl007. You deserve way better. Do what it takes to get the happy life you deserve. 

Thanks for your reply. It's such a difficult situation. I keep hating myself and no one seems to understand that. But your words help me to stand up, hate myself less and try again. Gotto learn to love and forgive myself first. 

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Well I have a fake smile and I'm laughing manically because of the caffeine I need to get me going this morning so I'm smiling and laughing how could that be a bad thing?

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I'm having anxiety again this morning. You know, that kind when you message someone with something maybe stupid and they haven't responded and you doubt everything and fear they'll never talk to you again...im scared. :/

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I am disappointed in and disgusted with myself.  I am stuck in the cycle of planning to do a specific 'something' tomorrow.  I think it through and decide, "Yes, I can do that!".  Then 'tomorrow' arrives, and I can't/won't/don't do it; but I can plan to do it tomorrow.  ... etc. ...  This is why and how I feel so worthless and such a failure.

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10 hours ago, Devlinkyla said:

Not doing very well tonight I don’t see the point in trying anymore 😞

Wow. I was thinking the very same thing last night. I hope you did get to sleep and that it helped your outlook at least a little. I felt slightly better this a.m. but the Monday morning staff meeting took care of that in a hurry.

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4 minutes ago, samadhiSheol said:

Sort of pissed of and frustrated. I can't get rid of the various tendon issues I have. It's gradually getting worse, regardless what I do or don't do. 

Growing old sucks. 

The tendons in my elbows give me absolute hell. I used to be an avid weight lifter and a push-up champ. Then tendonitis flared and I had to give it all up. This happened in 2011. I still cannot perform any repetitive motion that affects my elbows. The searing pain comes right back and is bad enough that it keeps me awake at night.

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I used to be a avid weight lifter as well.  The reason I got away from it is because it brings back memories of abuse.  I had to bulk up to protect myself against bullies.  I never enjoyed it.  I felt I had to do it.  I enjoy walking and running but I haven't been in good enough shape to run for a long time.

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2 hours ago, JD4010 said:

Wow. I was thinking the very same thing last night. I hope you did get to sleep and that it helped your outlook at least a little. I felt slightly better this a.m. but the Monday morning staff meeting took care of that in a hurry.

Well I don’t feel any better but am gad you do a little 

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Everything I do is a distraction from the void we call life.

Life is chore thrust on me. I didn’t ask for it. I find no satisfaction or sense of accomplishment in anything I do.

There is no point to anything. Joy, happiness and contentment ..even pain and anger, resentment and guilt are ultimately empty words. Nothing is true. Nothing is authentic.
 

I don’t really feel anything other than this crushing,  

 

EMPTINESS

Edited by Lindsay
I edited it! ~Lindsay

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