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20YearsandCounting

How Do You Feel Right Now #11

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5 hours ago, JD4010 said:

I've got a presentation tonight and I'm quite keyed up about it. I have this overwhelming fear of looking stupid in front of people. One of the outcomes is that I feel like the audience is judging me. In this case, the audience will predominately be our board of commissioners...

You are going to kick this thing's ass, I have no doubt about it. Probably it won't feel that way to you, but when it is over you will be relived and triumphant.

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Sorry for being so spammy tonight. I just... Love you all and wish you the best. 

I'm so tired of everything. I called a crisis line and my friends and just... I give up. I love you guys. And I love a lot of other people. I'm sick of being broken and used. I'm sick of hurting others. I'm sick of being sick. 

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27 minutes ago, watalife said:

Suffering physically mentally and emotionally.  Let me go take some aspirin 

The trifecta.  I know it all too well.  Seems like there’s very little that’s more complicated than those three being wound up together.

Take some aspirin, maybe something to sleep.  Among other things, tea & a hot shower can work wonders in terms of being able to get some sleep.

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Not a good day!! Went to take pain meds well that’s all good BUT just looking at them made me sick 🤮 I know why can’t really say on here but let’s just say way to go stupid ***** and I know I shouldn’t so hard on myself but hell its kinda hard not to atm 😒

Edited by Devlinkyla

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11 hours ago, Floor2017 said:

I hope you find the right place that is  perfect  for you.  And hopefully when you return everything will be ok

Hope is not something reliable. What we DFers need is suggestions, recommendations of any actions we can take with our own hands

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"Sick and tired of being sick and tired."

Cannot focus on my work. I almost fell asleep in the bath this morning. Then had trouble staying awake on the train to work. I already missed the station I was supposed to get out once this week. But I guess it is somewhat normal when taking 20 mg of olanzapine mixed with rest of the meds.

I don't know how I'm supposed to make it through the day. I mean I probably will, but I wish it was already over.

Edited by emptyman

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11 hours ago, Tilted said:

You are going to kick this thing's ass, I have no doubt about it. Probably it won't feel that way to you, but when it is over you will be relived and triumphant.

Hey Tilted, where have you been hiding?  Welcome back!!! 🙂

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1 hour ago, iWantRope said:

Hope is not something reliable. What we DFers need is suggestions, recommendations of any actions we can take with our own hands

I suggest you keep trying and trying to find good doctors and therapists.  I have never given up despite the abuse I received from medical practitioners.  

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A little lighter maybe, a little less disgusted and a little more like a person as opposed to an object. 

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1 hour ago, duck said:

Hey Tilted, where have you been hiding?  Welcome back!!! 🙂

Hi Duck, thanks for your message. I've been lurking with nothing much more to say other than: I'm severely depressed, anhedonic, dissassociated, etc...you know the routine. Glad to hear from you though bud, hope you are doing ok.

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I'm cracking under the pressure as usual.  Yes I'm going out tomorrow but all that means is I pretty much have to starve myself today and Saturday.  Is it worth it?  Nobody has ever wanted me in this life.  If I put on the best possible act I can and be the best version of myself possible there's a little bit of a chance but if anyone saw the mess I am now it would be over.

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12 minutes ago, sober4life said:

I'm cracking under the pressure as usual.  Yes I'm going out tomorrow but all that means is I pretty much have to starve myself today and Saturday.  Is it worth it?  Nobody has ever wanted me in this life.  If I put on the best possible act I can and be the best version of myself possible there's a little bit of a chance but if anyone saw the mess I am now it would be over.

What do you mean no one has wanted you in this life? We want you here!

Are you talking about a romantic desire? Are you going out on a date tomorrow (was that you or am I mixing people up? Sorry if I am) 

Whatever the case, don't set yourself up for failure. You don't even need to be the best version of yourself. Be yourself! Don't say that it's over before even starting. I know it's hard to overcome this, but you are good enough the way you are. Sure we can all be better, but we are all valuable right where we are right now because...because we are! Lol Sorry, I'm tired and getting distracted  y hubby getting ready for work. 😉

I wish you happiness and contentment in life and with yourself. All the best!

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50 minutes ago, anxiousE said:

What do you mean no one has wanted you in this life? We want you here!

Are you talking about a romantic desire? Are you going out on a date tomorrow (was that you or am I mixing people up? Sorry if I am) 

Whatever the case, don't set yourself up for failure. You don't even need to be the best version of yourself. Be yourself! Don't say that it's over before even starting. I know it's hard to overcome this, but you are good enough the way you are. Sure we can all be better, but we are all valuable right where we are right now because...because we are! Lol Sorry, I'm tired and getting distracted  y hubby getting ready for work. 😉

I wish you happiness and contentment in life and with yourself. All the best!

I know what you're saying is true.  Thank you.  More than anything my mind wants me to fail tomorrow so it's trying to get me to live up to impossible standards so I fall on my face and end up in some gutter somewhere with a bottle in my hand.

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22 hours ago, sober4life said:

My mind sees that there is finally hope for me right around the corner so my mind is revealing things from my past that I have forgotten hoping it will be enough to make me leave this world. 

@sober4life is it possible that your mind is realizing that there is hope and that you are getting stronger, so it is revealing things from your past for you to finally 'deal with them'?

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18 hours ago, Tilted said:

You are going to kick this thing's ass, I have no doubt about it. Probably it won't feel that way to you, but when it is over you will be relived and triumphant.

Yes, it was a big relief to get through with it. I kinda flubbed my presentation but decided not to beat myself up over it. But who knows if it might come back and haunt me anyway.

 

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5 hours ago, Tilted said:

Hi Duck, thanks for your message. I've been lurking with nothing much more to say other than: I'm severely depressed, anhedonic, dissassociated, etc...you know the routine. Glad to hear from you though bud, hope you are doing ok.

As they say, "don't be a stranger", Tilted! I concur with Sir Duck...it's good to see you. Sorry you continue to feel sucky however. Same here.

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1 hour ago, jkd_sd said:

@sober4life is it possible that your mind is realizing that there is hope and that you are getting stronger, so it is revealing things from your past for you to finally 'deal with them'?

Maybe today is the day that marks 2 years exactly surviving on my own.  I guess I have to be strong to a point.  What was revealed to me can never be realistically discussed with anyone for the rest of my life.  It's something that I will have to take to the grave.  This isn't some movie that has some fairy tale ending.  I have to consider everyone that this could affect.  So I have to keep it with me forever.

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@sober4life I wanted to give you a hug for your posts, but yea it's sad when your mind wants to sabatoge you. And sorry you have that weight of a secret on your shoulder, but I thought you needed some love on that one. Plus, it's good to recognize you have strength! Wishing the best for you tomorrow. ❤️

Oh d amnit! I just spilled some coffee on my shirt and hair. Lol I'm such a klutz 😛

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So, I suppose enough time has passed and I can do a proper Check in for the day. Lol

So I've been on and off sleeping all day, even though I slept a proper amount last night and might have even gotten up then and there if I had my coffee right away. But somehow I just didn't do that. I was anxious about going out in the cold to get an ingredient for dinner tonight. Well, I forgot I had somethi g else I could cook, so I think I can get out of the cold stuff and not have to get dressed up today (yes, being lazy in my jammies can be my bliss lol). Anyway, I finally decided around 3 that I needed to stay up. So to the coffee I go. But of course it's cold now because I've been noodling around on my tablet again. 😛 Oh well, caffeine is caffeine! Hopefully I can at least be somewhat productive again today, even though all I wanna do is sit around online and visit with people. 😛 I wish someone could come visit me I  real life. I feel much more motivated to get stuff done when people are watching...ironically though, I don't always feel this way about my husband watching. Lol Even though he enjoys seeing me to stuff (it's his love language), he still will find more and more things for me to do...or, what's worse is when he's working from home and is just in the way and doesn't even notice anything outside his work anyway. 😞 I hate it when someone is with me but isn't truly with me, k ow what I mean?

omg! I am chatty today! Hope no one minds. It actually makes me anxious because many people have left me or ignored me because of long posts. 😞 But I'm just excited! I love you guys too! As @PraiseBrownies had said. ❤️ 

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It is amazing to me how much difference a day makes. Yesterday I was in the bathroom weeping, after escaping a staff meeting in the nick of time. Today a great conversation about the different kinds of tradition and their respective value with my best friend and an anniversary delivery of flowers from my husband have lifted my spirits. Hope it lasts.

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The good news? MRI showed that the tumor on my remaining kidney is only growing very slowly. Nobody is sounding an alarm about it.

The bad news? They discovered some kind of tumor in the small intestine. It might be a GIST (Gastrointestinal stromal tumor), or a full-on cancerous lesion that somehow spread from my other kidney before they removed it.

The upshot is I have to schedule an endoscopy so they can tunnel down and see what's happening.

Edited by JD4010

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@JD4010  Yay! for the good news, and Rats! for the bad news.

So sorry you have to go through more tests, waiting, and uncertainty for the intestinal tumor.  Hopefully it is less than nothing.  Please take care.   :icon12:

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