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20YearsandCounting

How Do You Feel Right Now #11

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I’m up and at work this morning but it takes a lot of will power just to get out of bed and to go to work on a daily basis.  I’m grateful that I can still get up and go to work faithfully when my mind tells me to just stay there in bed 

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I'm probably resting today. I've got ...the dreaded female problem-cramps (and bad). :( 

do I really post this? I normally wouldn't discuss this, but it has become such a debilitating and depressing part of my existence every single month That it's nearly impossible to hide in the real world...though this isn't the real world. Bleh! I dunno. I just feel like I can't lie to you people why I'm "sick", not even a white lie! You're all so genuine and nice! <3

Speaking of embarrassing posts, I feel like I could have worded last night's post better. I guess I could have also shared or shared INSTEAD that I'm just a little frustrated with the fact that many times when I try to help people they seem to either not respond at all or they get confrontational and don't seem to want the help (even though they're actions are screaming, help me!). Anyway, had one particular instance last night, but in the end I finally got thanked for...oh i forget the exact wording, but they could admit to seeing that I had some knowledge and experience with my advice and thoughts. So I felt better. Anyway...

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Had a rough week so far but when you hit rock bottom one can only go up I think. Bought myself the Mass Effect trilogy and actually had fun with something for the first time in ages, so I'm feeling a little better. Gonna go home in an hour and play Mass Effect 1. 

Debating on if I should play games with my friends. The other night some were kinda bullying/harassing me and I'm not exactly up to dealing with it, but other days they can be absolutely fun and amazing.

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I've got a presentation tonight and I'm quite keyed up about it. I have this overwhelming fear of looking stupid in front of people. One of the outcomes is that I feel like the audience is judging me. In this case, the audience will predominately be our board of commissioners...

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16 minutes ago, PraiseBrownies said:

Had a rough week so far but when you hit rock bottom one can only go up I think. Bought myself the Mass Effect trilogy and actually had fun with something for the first time in ages, so I'm feeling a little better. Gonna go home in an hour and play Mass Effect 1. 

Debating on if I should play games with my friends. The other night some were kinda bullying/harassing me and I'm not exactly up to dealing with it, but other days they can be absolutely fun and amazing.

I feel you my friend and enjoy your new game

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5 hours ago, Nightjar said:

That sucks. I have them too. Mostly at night. Mostly when I've been on my own too long 😞 Sorry to hear that Sober. Hope you feel a bit better now. 

I had a nightmare.  I woke up feeling so bad I thought I was dying.  Then I remembered the dream.  Most people would have ended their life after having a revealing dream about my past like I did.  My mind sees that there is finally hope for me right around the corner so my mind is revealing things from my past that I have forgotten hoping it will be enough to make me leave this world.  My mind has always wanted to die and it's afraid that I will continue on in life if I make it to spring.

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59 minutes ago, sober4life said:

I had a nightmare.  I woke up feeling so bad I thought I was dying.  Then I remembered the dream.  Most people would have ended their life after having a revealing dream about my past like I did.  My mind sees that there is finally hope for me right around the corner so my mind is revealing things from my past that I have forgotten hoping it will be enough to make me leave this world.  My mind has always wanted to die and it's afraid that I will continue on in life if I make it to spring.

my Medicine is causing me to have really bad dreams but I guess it’s a small price to pay for feeling better 

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I don't know how I feel. My psychiatrist suggested looking for some help, therapy, maybe hospitalization. I could not hide the thoughts I get, although I tried. At least he cares and remembers a thing about me, unlike the previous one. Not sure what I should do. There is one place I could go, but even though I might keep my job (hard to fire someone when he's the only employee you have and you don't even have some skills he does), I'm afraid it would be even worse when I come back.

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2 hours ago, JD4010 said:

I've got a presentation tonight and I'm quite keyed up about it. I have this overwhelming fear of looking stupid in front of people. One of the outcomes is that I feel like the audience is judging me. In this case, the audience will predominately be our board of commissioners...

i get all clamped up just speaking to an audience let alone giving a presentation, best of luck as i'm sure you'll do well

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3 hours ago, PraiseBrownies said:

Had a rough week so far but when you hit rock bottom one can only go up I think. Bought myself the Mass Effect trilogy and actually had fun with something for the first time in ages, so I'm feeling a little better. Gonna go home in an hour and play Mass Effect 1. 

Debating on if I should play games with my friends. The other night some were kinda bullying/harassing me and I'm not exactly up to dealing with it, but other days they can be absolutely fun and amazing.

Oh I love the Mass Effect franchise! I don't actually play, but I enjoy watching it. :D Have fun!

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40 minutes ago, emptyman said:

I don't know how I feel. My psychiatrist suggested looking for some help, therapy, maybe hospitalization. I could not hide the thoughts I get, although I tried. At least he cares and remembers a thing about me, unlike the previous one. Not sure what I should do. There is one place I could go, but even though I might keep my job (hard to fire someone when he's the only employee you have and you don't even have some skills he does), I'm afraid it would be even worse when I come back.

I'll be honest with you.  It depends upon your situation.  Doctors think I have schizoaffective disorder as well.  If you're living alone in this world if you go to the hospital you might not ever make it back home.  If you are married or are living with parents that will take you back in after a hospital stay things might work out.  I've been hospitalized more times than I can count and came back home because mom was still living.  I know the next time I leave this house in an ambulance or cop car I might as well wave to my car and my house and my neighbors because it's the last time I will ever see this place.

Edited by sober4life

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Better today.  Meds secured, anxiety lessened.  So... improvement.

Just got through reading everyone’s recent posts.  Wow.  We all seem to have a lot going on.  Stressful presentations, physical pains, on and on.  I just want to acknowledge everyone this afternoon & though I can’t respond to each individually right now, thoughts & prayers are with all of us.

Finally, a million thanks to everyone for their interest & concern.  That’s the thing that keeps me coming back.  I’m better than yesterday, thank God.

Thanks to all.

Adam

Edited by adamrparr

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47 minutes ago, sober4life said:

I'll be honest with you.  It depends upon your situation.  Doctors think I have schizoaffective disorder as well.  If you're living alone in this world if you go to the hospital you might not ever make it back home.  If you are married or are living with parents that will take you back in after a hospital stay things might work out.  I've been hospitalized more times than I can count and came back home because mom was still living.  I know the next time I leave this house in an ambulance or cop car I might as well wave to my car and my house and my neighbors because it's the last time I will ever see this place.

That is so sad to hear. In my case there is no such risk. The place I would go to is actually kind of "open", I mean you do have a variety of mandatory activities, but then you are free to get out for some time and then come back to sleep there. It is meant to be a place that prevents from relapse, not a regular psychiatric ward. At least that is an option I have here where I live (somewhere in Europe).

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21 minutes ago, adamrparr said:

Better today.  Meds secured, anxiety lessened.  So... improvement.

Just got through reading everyone’s recent posts.  Wow.  We all seem to have a lot going on.  Stressful presentations, physical pains, on and on.  I just want to acknowledge everyone this afternoon & though I can’t respond to each individually right now, thoughts & prayers are with all of us.

Finally, a million thanks to everyone for their interest & concern.  That’s the thing that keeps me coming back.  I’m better than yesterday, thank God.

Thanks to all.

Adam

PRAISE THE LORD AND YOUR BEST IS YET TO COME!

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1 hour ago, CoffeeAddict103 said:

Hasn't been a great year but not terrible. Dr said i had serotonin syndrome but just told me to google it. 

I have been trying to apply myself this year and making small steps. Quit smoking, dont really drink and trying to exercise. Been setting decent boundries with people as well. I no longer accept being a doormat for people. 

Also had to go no contact with a couple of 'toxic' friends. I am fed up with these types. For a guy in his mid 20s i dont have time for that stuff. I feel a little bad but i am sticking to my guns. 

I am not a people pleaser anymore! Feels liberating. Apart from the guy who asked for a lift after a course today i thought was a bit cheeky of him, but he was nice enough and i really didnt mind as i was going that way.

Hope the gang are well here. 

I COMMEND YOU FOR NOT ALLOWING PEOPLE TO WALK ALL OVER YOU!

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8 minutes ago, emptyman said:

That is so sad to hear. In my case there is no such risk. The place I would go to is actually kind of "open", I mean you do have a variety of mandatory activities, but then you are free to get out for some time and then come back to sleep there. It is meant to be a place that prevents from relapse, not a regular psychiatric ward. At least that is an option I have here where I live (somewhere in Europe).

They wanted to send me to a place like that.  It was a group home they wanted me to go to after my last psych ward visit.  Luckily the insurance wasn't wanting to pay for the psych ward anymore so they sent me home to mom's first and said to follow up with the group home.  I guess I forgot to call them.

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33 minutes ago, Floor2017 said:

PRAISE THE LORD AND YOUR BEST IS YET TO COME!

Indeed, brother.  Indeed.  You’ve given me a ton of hope & inspiration over the last couple of days.  It has meant a ton to me.  Many, many thanks.

I feel that you & I are of essentially the same mindset right now.  Progress is being made, but there’s a long way to go for both of us.  One thing is for sure.  Neither you nor I are satisfied with the status quo.  It is not acceptable, and things don’t have to be this way.  You & I both know that.  How & when exactly are things going to turn around? I have no idea.  All I know is that small, incremental progress each day is the only way for me to get there.  (Getting beyond “I don’t feel like doing X” is a huge factor for me.  I’m better about acting anyway, but still a ton of progress to be made there.)

Love you, brother.  We’re going to get there.  Anything else is just unthinkable.  Next case.

Edited by adamrparr

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37 minutes ago, sober4life said:

They wanted to send me to a place like that.  It was a group home they wanted me to go to after my last psych ward visit.  Luckily the insurance wasn't wanting to pay for the psych ward anymore so they sent me home to mom's first and said to follow up with the group home.  I guess I forgot to call them.

I don't blame you I would have forgotten to call also :telefonieren:

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18 minutes ago, adamrparr said:

Indeed, brother.  Indeed.  You’ve given me a ton of hope & inspiration over the last couple of days.  It has meant a ton to me.  Many, many thanks.

I feel that you & I are of essentially the same mindset right now.  Progress is being made, but there’s a long way to go for both of us.  One thing is for sure.  Neither you nor I are satisfied with the status quo.  It is not acceptable, and things don’t have to be this way.  You & I both know that.  How & when exactly are things going to turn around? I have no idea.  All I know is that small, incremental progress each day is the only way for me to get there.  (Getting beyond “I don’t feel like doing X” is a huge factor for me.  I’m better about acting anyway, but still a ton of progress to be made there.)

Love you, brother.  We’re going to get there.  Anything else is just unthinkable.  Next case.

Praise the Lord and with time we all can get to a better place in our lives

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