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20YearsandCounting

How Do You Feel Right Now #11

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Feeling very rough this evening. This morning and afternoon I was actually feeling cheerful..

Then, this afternoon I had to get some cleaning done and in the middle of that, despair washed over me and I've felt depressed ever since. Cleaning can be tough for me because it sets off my ocd. It could have been a trigger, I guess but I'm unsure. 

Since this afternoon I've been slowly draining of energy and motivation and now, I'm almost at the point of incapacity and giving myself over to the despair.  

So strange. I was actually singing and dancing about happily this afternoon.  WTF? 

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3 hours ago, JD4010 said:

I have an MRI scheduled for Friday to find out what's happening with the tumor on my remaining kidney. I had my left kidney removed back in 2008 because it was completely engulfed within a massive tumor. It was discovered by accident because I didn't have any symptoms. I've been doing reasonably well since then, though my right kidney developed a tumor as well. I haven't had an MRI in five years so I'm a bit nervous as to how big the tumor has become.

Best wishes for Friday JD. Hope it goes well ...Please let us know how it goes.

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3 hours ago, JD4010 said:

I have an MRI scheduled for Friday to find out what's happening with the tumor on my remaining kidney. I had my left kidney removed back in 2008 because it was completely engulfed within a massive tumor. It was discovered by accident because I didn't have any symptoms. I've been doing reasonably well since then, though my right kidney developed a tumor as well. I haven't had an MRI in five years so I'm a bit nervous as to how big the tumor has become.

I hope everything is okay

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I’m thrilled & lucky to be alive.  I went through a traumatic experience on Monday night.  I could so easily have been killed.  One single domino in this situation falls the wrong way, and I’m gone.

Not killed as in an accident   Killed as in mur-der-ed.  I stared death squarely in the face & I was honestly preparing to die.

So that’s how I’m feeling right now.

Edited by adamrparr

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6 hours ago, JD4010 said:

I have an MRI scheduled for Friday to find out what's happening with the tumor on my remaining kidney. I had my left kidney removed back in 2008 because it was completely engulfed within a massive tumor. It was discovered by accident because I didn't have any symptoms. I've been doing reasonably well since then, though my right kidney developed a tumor as well. I haven't had an MRI in five years so I'm a bit nervous as to how big the tumor has become.

I wonder why all these **** keeps happening to us.

Is it because since Mark has passed, so the universe needs a new punching bag?

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6 hours ago, JD4010 said:

I have an MRI scheduled for Friday to find out what's happening with the tumor on my remaining kidney. I had my left kidney removed back in 2008 because it was completely engulfed within a massive tumor. It was discovered by accident because I didn't have any symptoms. I've been doing reasonably well since then, though my right kidney developed a tumor as well. I haven't had an MRI in five years so I'm a bit nervous as to how big the tumor has become.

Hopefully you get positive results. I'm sending you my best wishes!

 

32 minutes ago, adamrparr said:

I’m thrilled & lucky to be alive.  I went through a traumatic experience on Monday night.  I could so easily have been killed.  One single domino in this situation falls the wrong way, and I’m gone.

Not killed as in an accident   Killed as in mur-der-ed.  I stared death squarely in the face & I was honestly preparing to die.

So that’s how I’m feeling right now.

Wow! Well, I'm happy to hear you're ok now!

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Still thinking about what the therapist said yesterday.  She stated that if I felt that I was never going to get better, why did I keep coming to her. My answer "Because you are the only person I have to talk to and who doesn't tell me to get over it"

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3 hours ago, iWantRope said:

I wonder why all these **** keeps happening to us.

Is it because since Mark has passed, so the universe needs a new punching bag?

I feel the same way 😞

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4 hours ago, iWantRope said:

Is it because since Mark has passed, so the universe needs a new punching bag?

Honestly, you might be right on this one, except it can't pick one punching bag so it just grabbed us all.

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I'm doing okay. Ex-fiance's great grandmother is in the ER and the whole family had to fly out, so they had to text me to let our their dogs and take care of their pets since I was the only one left in the state with a house key. Not sure why I still have it but I can't say I mind helping out, though it all brought back memories. Memories of the relationship and memories of my great grandmother who passed away a few years ago, who's last request I didn't honor and I still regret it. I hope my ex can honor his at least.

Did some studying for my ACT. Had a surprising amount of fun doing math. I guess it's more enjoyable when it's not for a grade. (I don't count the ACT for much since I'm going to a community college and culinary school where it isn't really needed)

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Calmer than earlier. Glad I went to the gym. Tired. Hoping to relax tonight. I don't have any responsibilities tomorrow so I have nothing to keep me up with dread. 

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4 hours ago, nojoy said:

Still thinking about what the therapist said yesterday.  She stated that if I felt that I was never going to get better, why did I keep coming to her. My answer "Because you are the only person I have to talk to and who doesn't tell me to get over it"

Well, seems like she's an ok therapist then, even if she asked you why you were still coming.

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1 hour ago, PraiseBrownies said:

Honestly, you might be right on this one, except it can't pick one punching bag so it just grabbed us all.

Strange that a few people are saying that, because I, too, just had another breakdown. Maybe it's because we're all miserable about it, or coincidence, but I dunno anymore.

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Anxious as I'm going to answer a long call from potential employer. I don't think I'll be lucky enough to make it through all the recruitment phases, anyway I think I'd even be less anxious if it was a regular interview and not a phone call.

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On 2/4/2020 at 2:40 AM, samadhiSheol said:

Pissed off.

I hate my job. I hate the attitude of my co worker. I hate the fact I have no say whatsover about how shit works here. "This is how it has aways been. Why change anything?"

Our leadership consists of pusillanimous complacent people who just can't be bothered.

Fed up. Fu cking fed up.

But I have nothing else. I will never get another job, not at my age. All I have to look foward to is a crappy pension, after this low wage I get. Life isn't worth living.

 

Fuc k this life.

Sounds like you are dealing with people 🙂

I dislike all jobs except walking dogs.  

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5 hours ago, evalynn said:

Calmer than earlier. Glad I went to the gym. Tired. Hoping to relax tonight. I don't have any responsibilities tomorrow so I have nothing to keep me up with dread. 

I stopped going to the gym because it's hard work 🙂

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8 hours ago, nojoy said:

Still thinking about what the therapist said yesterday.  She stated that if I felt that I was never going to get better, why did I keep coming to her. My answer "Because you are the only person I have to talk to and who doesn't tell me to get over it"

Maybe she wants to see your reaction.  I would try not to read into it too much.  HUGS  🙂

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And I failed, I guess. Stuttered a lot when had to speak English, the other parts went decent, but it doesn't matter now as I messed everything up with that stuttering. Tired as hell after that call and I still need to get back to work.

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4 hours ago, duck said:

I stopped going to the gym because it's hard work 🙂

I feel you and I need to start back myself.  Physical exercise is very good for the body and it sets the tone for the day 

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25 minutes ago, sober4life said:

I have to exercise along with a long list of other things I will have to do as long as I'm breathing to keep up this charade.

I totally feel you 

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