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20YearsandCounting

How Do You Feel Right Now #11

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Frustrated and getting tired. So I've pretty much been online since waking up. Did my regular check-in s. Not much is going on today! I really ought to use this opportunity to take an internet break, but I don't know what to do with myself. I get so anxious! And also sleepy after staring at this tablet. I should do some useful things around the house and I do want to have a looksee at my yarn stash, but...ffhnydeb!!! Know what I mean? Lol ugh! I mean, hubby and I fought again last night about what I do or don't do around here...i need a nap! 😕 but I haven't yet had my coffee. Let's see how I feel after that. (She says, doubting a positive outcome)

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5 hours ago, Floor2017 said:

That’s good it’s always a blessing when you have enough energy to do what you have to.  😊

Thank you so far so good.  You know when I said I was well enough I opened myself up for a bunch of other unexpected things to come my way as well.  Maybe one day I'll learn not to put a target on my chest.

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2 hours ago, anxiousE said:

Frustrated and getting tired. So I've pretty much been online since waking up. Did my regular check-in s. Not much is going on today! I really ought to use this opportunity to take an internet break, but I don't know what to do with myself. I get so anxious! And also sleepy after staring at this tablet. I should do some useful things around the house and I do want to have a looksee at my yarn stash, but...ffhnydeb!!! Know what I mean? Lol ugh! I mean, hubby and I fought again last night about what I do or don't do around here...i need a nap! 😕 but I haven't yet had my coffee. Let's see how I feel after that. (She says, doubting a positive outcome)

That’s so understandable because people who don’t suffer from depression and anxiety don’t understand the real struggles that we have on a daily basis.

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47 minutes ago, sober4life said:

Thank you so far so good.  You know when I said I was well enough I opened myself up for a bunch of other unexpected things to come my way as well.  Maybe one day I'll learn not to put a target on my chest.

I just stopped in and read this page of this thread -- I can really relate!  I am so disappointed in myself lately.  There are lots of things I need to do, and I know I am physically able to do them.  But this d*mned depression makes me feel so listless, unmotivated, aimless, worthless, etc.  All I want to do is crawl in bed, 'play' on this smartphone, and stay there.  It is as though I have no control of my feelings.

I am using this venting as motivation.  As soon as I hit the 'Submit' button, I am going to log out, get ready, and run some errands that need doing.  I may even treat myself to a special snack.  I will check back later.    <*sigh*>   Here goes!

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Sick of my job, sick of my pointless efforts to find another one, sick of employers paying only the absolute minimum (when they get quite a lot of benefits due to my disability). Sick of myself. There is no escape, I just wish it would all end. I also feel as if I were only a spectator, watching myself even thinking(?). I kind of feel as if I didn't exist at all. I don't know why do I even care about what's going on then. Not sure when was the last time I had some similar thoughts, but the fact that I remember having them around 2016 during my hospitalization might not be optimistic. Might just be some derealization and/or depersonalization, might be a sign of incoming relapse as well.

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1 hour ago, emptyman said:

Sick of my job, sick of my pointless efforts to find another one, sick of employers paying only the absolute minimum (when they get quite a lot of benefits due to my disability). Sick of myself. There is no escape, I just wish it would all end. I also feel as if I were only a spectator, watching myself even thinking(?). I kind of feel as if I didn't exist at all. I don't know why do I even care about what's going on then. Not sure when was the last time I had some similar thoughts, but the fact that I remember having them around 2016 during my hospitalization might not be optimistic. Might just be some derealization and/or depersonalization, might be a sign of incoming relapse as well.

I’m so sorry to hear that but do get it checked out before it spiral out of control.  It’s always best to get it looked at just to make sure that you are not beginning to unravel.  I wish you nothing but the best as you look into these issues that are trying to trouble you 

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3 hours ago, jkd_sd said:

I just stopped in and read this page of this thread -- I can really relate!  I am so disappointed in myself lately.  There are lots of things I need to do, and I know I am physically able to do them.  But this d*mned depression makes me feel so listless, unmotivated, aimless, worthless, etc.  All I want to do is crawl in bed, 'play' on this smartphone, and stay there.  It is as though I have no control of my feelings.

I am using this venting as motivation.  As soon as I hit the 'Submit' button, I am going to log out, get ready, and run some errands that need doing.  I may even treat myself to a special snack.  I will check back later.    <*sigh*>   Here goes!

I hope you get everything done you need to get done.  Things went well today.  Now it's time to hide.  God I don't want a day like that any time soon.  Runs and hides!

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I'm anxious as tomorrow I am going into psychiatric care in the city hospital. I have so much to do before I leave my house. My doctor found a free service where I can leave my furbabies whilst I get treatment to get me on the mend. 

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15 minutes ago, shio said:

I'm anxious as tomorrow I am going into psychiatric care in the city hospital. I have so much to do before I leave my house. My doctor found a free service where I can leave my furbabies whilst I get treatment to get me on the mend. 

best of luck on your stay, i found it very helpful the second time there, the first was because i didn't want the help, so if you are going in with a positive attitude i think it will help you

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Had a funny realization today. I haven't been able to relax properly in actual years and today while sitting down and budgeting a hypothetical scenario for an assignment, as well as studying the bill of rights in a game, I had way too much fun. I then realized "huh, maybe I was trying too hard to relax like others do. Kinda just gotta do me."

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So I was wrong about the post coffee. I was SUPER productive today. I almost forgot to eat lunch I was so busy! Then when I started to get physically tired, I started to get anxious because there was still a lot to do and I was convinced hubby wouldn't appreciate all the hard work I did already do (he didn't give me any affirmations about it, but that's a whole other issue that needs dealing with. At least he didn't complain) But I got my second wind. Did some more. Then I got tired again. Think this was when it got to be past lunchtime and i hadn't eaten. Ate and felt a little better. Did the meat prep for dinner, but it wasn't enough. Luckily husband offered to take us out to dinner. So that was a relief. All I had left was dishes. I had lost hope in exercise, but I even managed to pull that off too! Now let's just hope I can sleep well again. 

 

Edit: oh I forgot to mention, I'm still wondering if this increase in productivity, decrease in sleep and the anxious and racing thoughts could signal bipolar. It's only really been 2 or 3 days of this, but I'm keeping close watch.

Edited by anxiousE

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7 hours ago, shio said:

I'm anxious as tomorrow I am going into psychiatric care in the city hospital. I have so much to do before I leave my house. My doctor found a free service where I can leave my furbabies whilst I get treatment to get me on the mend. 

I hope it helps, take care. I totally understand the anxiety, I felt the same when I had to go to such place. Even considering staying at one particular place myself again, although it could mess up with my "career".

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I'm going NUTS over my job. It's really dragging me down. Every day is a new battle there, either with a client, an internal team member, my boss or my manager. 

The latest is that several team members tried to take over the direction of my account, when I am in charge of the direction. My boss had to intervene, but not without me saying something first.

Then the CEO's son is speaking FOR me on my client calls. He is stepping on my toes, and isn't allowing me to speak for myself! It's driving me crazy!

Then I have to battle with my clients to get them to understand the method behind my website strategies. They don't get it and they don't want to change their websites according to any of my recommendations. I often achieve #1 rankings for my clients, yet they're all resistant to change in the beginning, and I have to convince them. It's maddening! I'm persistent with it, but it's a battle. 

And no one internally talks to one another. It's a firefighting vs fire prevention mentality. That makes me insane too! 

My CEO does not understand what I do. He listens to my manager and my Director and he is grossly misinformed. And my manager and Director are not great leaders of our team. I could do a better job at it. 

The whole situation is a total freaking disaster. 

And it's so difficult for me to find a new job at my level. Director jobs are far and few between.

I really need a break... I need my prayers to be answered. I need to get the hell out of this company, like RIGHT NOW. I hate it and I hate all of them. It's poisoning me... this is not ME. It is not like me to be full of HATRED, and I am right now. 

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9 hours ago, PraiseBrownies said:

Had a funny realization today. I haven't been able to relax properly in actual years and today while sitting down and budgeting a hypothetical scenario for an assignment, as well as studying the bill of rights in a game, I had way too much fun. I then realized "huh, maybe I was trying too hard to relax like others do. Kinda just gotta do me."

This sounds like me I have to try hard to relax.  "Relaxing" is the most exhausting thing I ever do.

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Well, I did it!  I got the errands done.  Yay!  Of course, there are still lots of things that are still not taken care of, but it is a start.  But I do feel better.  Remaining hopeful for now.

@sober4life, thanks for the encouragement.  I understand wanting to hide.  That is basically what I have been doing instead of what needs to be done.  I am going to try another 'push to do something' today.  I am promising myself that I can hide later today after accomplishing something.  Imagine, promising myself doing nothing as a reward for doing something.  🙄

@shio good luck at the hospital.  Take care of yourself.  

@RiverLight sorry about your issues at work.  Hope things improve soon

Best wishes to all.

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15 hours ago, shio said:

I'm anxious as tomorrow I am going into psychiatric care in the city hospital. I have so much to do before I leave my house. My doctor found a free service where I can leave my furbabies whilst I get treatment to get me on the mend. 

I wish you the very best. I hope it goes well!

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I have an MRI scheduled for Friday to find out what's happening with the tumor on my remaining kidney. I had my left kidney removed back in 2008 because it was completely engulfed within a massive tumor. It was discovered by accident because I didn't have any symptoms. I've been doing reasonably well since then, though my right kidney developed a tumor as well. I haven't had an MRI in five years so I'm a bit nervous as to how big the tumor has become.

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16 minutes ago, JD4010 said:

I have an MRI scheduled for Friday to find out what's happening with the tumor on my remaining kidney. I had my left kidney removed back in 2008 because it was completely engulfed within a massive tumor. It was discovered by accident because I didn't have any symptoms. I've been doing reasonably well since then, though my right kidney developed a tumor as well. I haven't had an MRI in five years so I'm a bit nervous as to how big the tumor has become.

I hope everything goes well.  I want you to be happy and healthy!:hearts:

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2 hours ago, sober4life said:

I hope everything goes well.  I want you to be happy and healthy!:hearts:

Thanks. Yes. I've been thinking about what I'll do if the remaining kidney needs to be removed. I really don't want to go through the transplant process, even if it was possible.

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18 minutes ago, JD4010 said:

Thanks. Yes. I've been thinking about what I'll do if the remaining kidney needs to be removed. I really don't want to go through the transplant process, even if it was possible.

I understand how you feel believe me I would feel exactly the same way you feel about the situation.

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2 hours ago, JD4010 said:

I have an MRI scheduled for Friday to find out what's happening with the tumor on my remaining kidney.

Best of possibles JD!  I've got a cyst/growth on one kidney, and it's been there for 12 years.  I need to have it measured too.  MRI is the loud one, right, where someone stands right outside the chamber and bangs the metal with a rubber mallet?  I'll be rooting for your kidney.

Bulgakov

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On 2/4/2020 at 3:05 PM, jkd_sd said:

I just stopped in and read this page of this thread -- I can really relate!  I am so disappointed in myself lately.  There are lots of things I need to do, and I know I am physically able to do them.  But this d*mned depression makes me feel so listless, unmotivated, aimless, worthless, etc.  All I want to do is crawl in bed, 'play' on this smartphone, and stay there.  It is as though I have no control of my feelings.

I am using this venting as motivation.  As soon as I hit the 'Submit' button, I am going to log out, get ready, and run some errands that need doing.  I may even treat myself to a special snack.  I will check back later.    <*sigh*>   Here goes!

You deserve the special snack 

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