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20YearsandCounting

How Do You Feel Right Now #11

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Remember those dishes? Well, I've been back on the couch since that. :/ Make matters worse, husband's tip for the day on his health tracker thingy, was to get no more than 7to9 hours of sleep or you'll get unfixable heart disease and overweight and something else. I dunno. Like I don't already know this is unhealthy!

now I feel like taking a walk...

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1 hour ago, jkd_sd said:

I understand the 'vicious circle' guilt, etc.  That is one of the nasty symptoms of anxiety/depression, and no it is not a "small thing".  Every time around the circle the monster gets bigger and uglier.  Congratulations on kicking that bully in the shins (not exactly the phrase I was thinking, but need to keep it clean).

I stumbled into a way of keeping contact with one person.  I got into the habit of calling him at the same time on a specific day of the week, and now that is our set time to talk.  Maybe that will work with you and your kids. 

That is awful.  The rules at a place I used to work said that every opening must be 'advertised'.  Sometimes they created a job for a specific person.  They still went through the sham of advertising the job, accepting applications, and interviewing candidates before giving the job to the person they intended from the beginning.  I always thought that was cruel and unfair to everyone else who applied for the job.   ☹️  Hope you find a position much better than that one!

They did that to me several times on my job for a vacant position that they had already filled but the second time I challenged the position and I got it.

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Guess I'm also super bummed that nearly everyone, if not everyone I know is going to my favorite band's concerts and I'm not because of my health issues. :(

Ok, on the treadmill now. :P

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1 hour ago, jkd_sd said:

That is awful.  The rules at a place I used to work said that every opening must be 'advertised'.  Sometimes they created a job for a specific person.  They still went through the sham of advertising the job, accepting applications, and interviewing candidates before giving the job to the person they intended from the beginning.  I always thought that was cruel and unfair to everyone else who applied for the job.   ☹️  Hope you find a position much better than that one!

The thing is, I am internal! I've been volunteering there for several years and the hiring manager (my volunteer supervisor!) told me about that position a full month before it opened. I had told him that he knew I was severely underqualified, but he kept saying "oh we can train you" and that I should apply, to the point I felt obligated to try even though I felt no confidence. This tortured me for 2 months. I absolutely love where I volunteer and would've loved to work there.

I didn't mind not being hired...but I wasn't even worth an interview when my supervisor is the hiring manager and he urged me to apply...that's how useless I am. I am at zero confidence right now and zero trust of people.

Thank you for your kind words. Right now I'm just going to accept my physical feelings about this as they are and try not to think too much.

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Barely getting any sleep, leading to MORE anxiety, moodiness, headaches. I get maybe a couple hours sleep, if that, and then I don't feel like facing another day...I don't remember the last time I had a good one.

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1 hour ago, Fray13 said:

Barely getting any sleep, leading to MORE anxiety, moodiness, headaches. I get maybe a couple hours sleep, if that, and then I don't feel like facing another day...I don't remember the last time I had a good one.

Damn, brother.  I’m really sorry to hear that.  Sadly, I can relate SO well with all of what you wrote.  With respect to the sleep, are you taking anything for the insomnia.  I tried everything under the sun but finally had to get a prescription for it.  Trazedone.  Works pretty damned well.

Tell me a little more about what’s going on, man.  PM if you want.

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I went to my men's support group tonight and I let my anger out.  It was building up for several days. I have been treated like a fourth class citizen all my life and I am tired of this.  I going to speak out from now. 

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4 hours ago, anxiousE said:

Guess I'm also super bummed that nearly everyone, if not everyone I know is going to my favorite band's concerts and I'm not because of my health issues. 😞

Ok, on the treadmill now. 😛

Sorry to hear.  That sucks. 

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On 1/30/2020 at 1:24 AM, MargotMontage said:

Hey there! Not sure if this is relevant to you, but could it be possible that the echoes of your thoughts might be a medication side effect? This happened to me once, and it's good to rule out possible causes.

I hope you'll be ok. Remember you can come here if things are feeling too much.

Hey, thanks. I wish it was a medication side effect, but I am actually diagnosed with schizophrenia. It might not be 100% accurate, but it's a diagnosis that makes the meds I need much cheaper to purchase where I live. Some psychiatrists say it seems like schizoaffective disorder. I experience both psychotic (less) and depressive symptoms (much more of these), anyway.

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Woke up in a toooon of pain this morning. Chest hurts and arm's numb. Last time this happened, I fainted and my doctor straight up told me she didn't know why. Nothing against her though, she's very competent. 

This week's been a bit rough so I'm looking forward to seeing my therapist tomorrow and resting. 

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18 hours ago, adamrparr said:
I have such guilt, shame & fear surrounding the whole situation that I’m so often terrified by calling the kids.  I haven’t been doing it regularly, because of that tremendous fear I have.

So ashamed that I almost can’t bear it.  Fear often keeps me from calling them, and that makes things even worse.  I have guilt & shame on top of guilt & shame that it just makes it even more difficult to call.  Sounds like such a small thing but it’s tearing me up & I really don’t know how to get beyond it.  It overwhelms me.  The only thing I know to do is simply to begin calling despite how afraid & ashamed I am of the situation.  😔

————

Update:  I called ‘em & am going to tomorrow as well.

Excellent! I'm happy you made that call.

I often fall into that same line of thinking. I feel guilty for wanting to enjoy myself and spend some of my meager "earnings" on myself, rather than tossing it all at my ex and daughter.

I am still of some use to my daughter I guess. It keeps me from ending it.

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I feel pretty good today.  I need to get a job delivering mail around here.  Most Fridays he doesn't bother to show up.  He probably picks up the mail and then just goes home and doesn't deliver it until Saturday or Monday.  Some days he doesn't show up on Saturday either.  Around here people can use their own cars to deliver the mail so you can get away with that.  I suppose I can't get angry at someone for doing the same thing I would probably do.

Edited by sober4life

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Pretty livid.  Have been pretty short on work for a while.  Then the other week I got hurt and was told 6 weeks off. 

Been playing phone tag with a recruiter these last couple days.  I was too upset to take a call earlier today. 

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I want to thank everyone for giving me the best present ever giving me the most likes on my birthday yesterday.  There is nothing like the feeling of having your support behind you on your 50th birthday 🎁.  Thanks 😊 again my df family 

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Little annoyed. My boss hasn't called me back into the bakery since december and while I haven't been fired I'm more or less out of work. Guess its not a huge deal since I'm still a kid but I want to save what I can. Plenty of jobs but nothing I can do since I'm not 18.

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Sorry I don't respond very often, but it's hard to get on the computer where I'm living right now. 6 people living in the same house, one computer. My insomnia is both a blessing and a curse. Keeps me awake so I can come on here when everyone else is asleep. But then I feel SO tired when the sun comes up. Taking "cat naps" during the day doesn't help much and I'm not really into prescription meds (meaning, I don't really care for them). I know many of them are addictive and I don't want to "need" them. No offense to anyone who does take them. They're just not for me.

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I am having headaches again and I am exhausted all the time.  I need a real doctor and therapist to help me. 

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8 hours ago, PraiseBrownies said:

Little annoyed. My boss hasn't called me back into the bakery since december and while I haven't been fired I'm more or less out of work. Guess its not a huge deal since I'm still a kid but I want to save what I can. Plenty of jobs but nothing I can do since I'm not 18.

I’m so sorry to hear this but something much better is going to come your way if she doesn’t appreciate you and if she let you go don’t sweat it.  All of your needs will still be met just keep the faith that something good will happen to you 

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16 minutes ago, duck said:

I am having headaches again and I am exhausted all the time.  I need a real doctor and therapist to help me. 

I’m praying and hoping whatever you stand in need of that all of your needs be met.    Be blessed my friend and may your headaches and exhaustion go away and never be a hindrance to you again.

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On 1/29/2020 at 7:26 PM, MargotMontage said:

I think that's human nature. It's like the line in Alice in Wonderland: 'I give myself very good advice, but I very seldom follow it.' Hang in there! I know it sucks, but just try and follow your own advice, starting with small things, and see how far you can get this year. It'll make a difference, bit by bit!

thank you

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It's very hard being alone in the world.  It's hard knowing that if you died at best people would grunt or shrug their shoulders and most likely say who if they heard that I died.

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