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How Do You Feel Right Now #11


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I’ve been doing a bit better usually, works going well but other than that I’m still entirely alone regardless of trying to make friends at work. I don’t post much, but I really like how caring this community is and read through things when I’m done and it’s nice to see people caring and being nice for no reason other than just to do so, I’m glad I joined this forum. Also kitten I got is more grown now and such an adorable goof he makes me laugh which I haven’t done in years

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Have been struggling the last several days.  Long story short(er), anxiety is much better, but depression is being very stubborn.  Recently realized I was using the anxiety as a tool to combat the depression (for motivation) -- strange but true.  Now that the anxiety is under control, I have been frustrated by the loss of that 'tool'.   Felt so, sooooo stuck!

The good news is that I just came from the counselor's office.  She understands what I explained (badly) about the situation, and we are working on what other tools I can use and how.  So, now I am feeling hopeful!  😃  Yay!  Still have a ways to go, but at least I feel like progress is possible.

I am so grateful for the 'hopeful' feeling.  Still in that frame of mind ....  Please, never give up!!  Do whatever you need to take care of yourself -- post here, get professional help, snuggle with a pet, take your meds, get different meds, get a different 'professional', eat ice cream, ... whatever!  Do anything and everything until you find what works for you.  Yeah, I know; it is a real pain in the @$$ while you are working through it; but it is worth it -- and so are you!  It feels so good when you stop smacking your head against that brick wall.

Good thoughts, wishes, and hugs to everyone!   :thumbs-up:    :hearts:   :console:

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Been working a lot of overtime, during the day and even flipping to night shifts and will be back to days for the weekend. Trying to enjoy the day that I do have off but I'm really just sleepy. Will be getting a new phone before I go to Vegas. My iPhone 5 has done me well for years but it's time for me to just give in and upgrade. Been listening to Shania Twain's album Now for the first time in full. I've heard bits and pieces and listening to it in full I've been able to hear a lot of interesting production. Even vocoders in the background and loads of harmony tricks. Will be very fun seeing her live in March. Just a couple of weeks away!

I put in the time off and I'm glad that I did because someone else wanted to take the same days as me. Beat them to it!

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Feeling extremely sick 😷  a little annoyed because I live with 6 other people in a small apartment and 3 of us are sick and the sickness has been going around 2-3 weeks ! Because when some get better the others get sick. Alas hoping for speedy recovery for my family and me already because we all have work or school we can't miss  🤧

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17 hours ago, adamrparr said:

Thank you!!  

And the brownies are COMPLETELY legal EVERYWHERE. No pot/thc or anything else like that in there at all!!  I’ll try to snap a photo of one later tonight!!  I pick ‘em up at convenience stores, but you can buy ‘em online too.  Gimme a few & I’ll get some more info about them on here.  Sooo helpful.  All natural, no drugs, completely herbal.  Melatonin, rose hips, chamomile, etc.  Very good stuff & it REALLY helps with rest & sleep!!

I'll be darned. Now I'm curious. I'm intimately familiar with the "less legal" brownies of course.

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18 hours ago, MargotMontage said:

This is in no way your fault. When I was still able to work, I had that exact same problem, (except at a job I would otherwise have liked,) and I had to accept it wasn't me, and I had to just move through it as best I could. If they 'despise' you no matter what you do, it does at least mean that you can feel however you want and not care at all what they think, which can be very freeing.

I know you are in a really bad situation but just do you and ignore their nonsense as best as you can because at the end of the day you are there to take care of your business and have a life outside of the work place.

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2 minutes ago, JD4010 said:

I'll be darned. Now I'm curious. I'm intimately familiar with the "less legal" brownies of course.

Yeah I remember the last time I had them.  My friend and I went through a whole tray of them with the two of us.  They were about half cooked because we were wasted and couldn't wait anymore and he pulled them out with his bare hands and dropped the tray on the floor and we ate them anyway.

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Just now, sober4life said:

Yeah I remember the last time I had them.  My friend and I went through a whole tray of them with the two of us.  They were about half cooked because we were wasted and couldn't wait anymore and he pulled them out with his bare hands and dropped the tray on the floor and we ate them anyway.

Hahaha. That sounds quite familiar. 🙂

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20 hours ago, MargotMontage said:

This is in no way your fault. When I was still able to work, I had that exact same problem, (except at a job I would otherwise have liked,) and I had to accept it wasn't me, and I had to just move through it as best I could. If they 'despise' you no matter what you do, it does at least mean that you can feel however you want and not care at all what they think, which can be very freeing.

I appreciate your reply, but there's something I don't think you understood.

When they "despise" me, I can live with that well, as I keep some distance.

When they "despise" me, it's no good for my health if I have to stay in a small cell with the entire gang for long hours every day, which is the case sadly.

Both my examples are 2 completely different things. Just wanted to clarify that.

Edited by The_Unwanted
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Doing ok today.  Not all that bad.  I went to that first job interview today.  #1, I’m not that interested in the position, and #2, not sure how well it went, but because of my lukewarm interest in the job itself, I’m not all that concerned with how it went.

Not very depressed today.  A little.  I am struggling with some fear though.  Because of a lot of the mistakes & screwups I’ve made, I’ve not been able to contribute as I need to financially to my ex-wife & kids.  I have such guilt, shame & fear surrounding the whole situation that I’m so often terrified by calling the kids.  I haven’t been doing it regularly, because of that tremendous fear I have.

So ashamed that I almost can’t bear it.  Fear often keeps me from calling them, and that makes things even worse.  I have guilt & shame on top of guilt & shame that it just makes it even more difficult to call.  Sounds like such a small thing but it’s tearing me up & I really don’t know how to get beyond it.  It overwhelms me.  The only thing I know to do is simply to begin calling despite how afraid & ashamed I am of the situation.  😔

————

Update:  I called ‘em & am going to tomorrow as well.

Edited by adamrparr
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10 minutes ago, adamrparr said:

The only thing I know to do is simply to begin calling despite how afraid & ashamed I am of the situation.  😔

————

Update:  I called ‘em & am going to tomorrow as well.

That's great!  I'm proud of you.  I'm sure the kids just want to hear from dad no matter what's going on.:hearts:

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2 minutes ago, sober4life said:

That's great!  I'm proud of you.  I'm sure the kids just want to hear from dad no matter what's going on.:hearts:

Thank you, @sober4life!!!   I really appreciate it.  I wouldn’t be able to do any of this without help from you & everyone else on here.

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Devastated and feel childish because of it. I didn't get that job I wanted. I didn't even get an interview. Why encourage me? Why raise my hopes and I wasn't even close to what you wanted? It's sadistic. All he had to do was agree with me that I wasn't qualified.

I don't expect to be the first person someone thinks of, but I'm not even a footnote to certain people I think of a lot. I'm probably high up on the list of marks they can get to do work for them, though. I'm like a dog, just waiting to please them. They don't respect me and I don't respect myself.

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1 hour ago, adamrparr said:

Thank you, @sober4life!!!   I really appreciate it.  I wouldn’t be able to do any of this without help from you & everyone else on here.

I agree I wouldn't be here without this place.  The people here remind me of my good qualities and that keeps me going.  If I was left to my own devices and left to only hear the words of people in real life things would be much different right now I'm sure.

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2 hours ago, adamrparr said:

Doing ok today.  Not all that bad.  I went to that first job interview today.  #1, I’m not that interested in the position, and #2, not sure how well it went, but because of my lukewarm interest in the job itself, I’m not all that concerned with how it went.

Not very depressed today.  A little.  I am struggling with some fear though.  Because of a lot of the mistakes & screwups I’ve made, I’ve not been able to contribute as I need to financially to my ex-wife & kids.  I have such guilt, shame & fear surrounding the whole situation that I’m so often terrified by calling the kids.  I haven’t been doing it regularly, because of that tremendous fear I have.

So ashamed that I almost can’t bear it.  Fear often keeps me from calling them, and that makes things even worse.  I have guilt & shame on top of guilt & shame that it just makes it even more difficult to call.  Sounds like such a small thing but it’s tearing me up & I really don’t know how to get beyond it.  It overwhelms me.  The only thing I know to do is simply to begin calling despite how afraid & ashamed I am of the situation.  😔

————

Update:  I called ‘em & am going to tomorrow as well.

I’m so glad that you called and are going to see your kids 

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2 hours ago, adamrparr said:

Fear often keeps me from calling them, and that makes things even worse.  I have guilt & shame on top of guilt & shame that it just makes it even more difficult to call.

I understand the 'vicious circle' guilt, etc.  That is one of the nasty symptoms of anxiety/depression, and no it is not a "small thing".  Every time around the circle the monster gets bigger and uglier.  Congratulations on kicking that bully in the shins (not exactly the phrase I was thinking, but need to keep it clean).

I stumbled into a way of keeping contact with one person.  I got into the habit of calling him at the same time on a specific day of the week, and now that is our set time to talk.  Maybe that will work with you and your kids. 

1 hour ago, Kogent5 said:

Why raise my hopes and I wasn't even close to what you wanted?

That is awful.  The rules at a place I used to work said that every opening must be 'advertised'.  Sometimes they created a job for a specific person.  They still went through the sham of advertising the job, accepting applications, and interviewing candidates before giving the job to the person they intended from the beginning.  I always thought that was cruel and unfair to everyone else who applied for the job.   ☹️  Hope you find a position much better than that one!

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