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How Do You Feel Right Now #11


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21 minutes ago, Fray13 said:

Stuck in the biggest rut I've ever been in my life. No where I can go. Nothing I can do about it. Anxiety weighing heavy on every part of my being.

whatever, you do, don't give in to it and continue to fight it with all your might.  Begin to seek out help

and go get some help from the professionals to help you to be better able to cope with it.  I'm praying

for you my friend that you can soon get some relief from this anxiety.  

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Thank you for the encouraging words Floor2017. I haven't had the desire to seek professional help in years, but I'm starting to give it some SERIOUS consideration just to stop feeling this way. I hate it. I want to cry, but can't. I have thoughts every. single. day (more than once a day) about ******* myself (how, when, where). And the only REAL support I get is from reading and posting on here. 

I don't post very often and I don't have the desire to explain my situation or how depression and anxiety invited themselves into my life (yet). Suffice to say I hate my life right now and have for a while. But reading others' posts and occasionally posting myself and getting the kindest replies is something that keeps me going. 

Thank you Floor2017 and everyone else on here. You're the ONLY ones who truly know what it feels like.

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13 minutes ago, Fray13 said:

Thank you Floor2017 and everyone else on here. You're the ONLY ones who truly know what it feels like.

Yes. People who have never experienced the kinds of depression and anxiety we do have no idea what it's like. It's like trying to explain 60 degrees below zero weather to someone who has never left the tropics.

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17 hours ago, adamrparr said:

I swear to God, at my age, I think I’d prefer the pain of being alone to the pain inflicted by someone else.  I’ve been through it too many times.  At this point, I react kinda like an abused dog.  Trauma’s real & it affects us profoundly.

 

Yes. Agree 100%. I also don't want to afflict someone else with my gloom and idiosyncrasies. My cats are fine with it at least.

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25 minutes ago, JD4010 said:

Yes. Agree 100%. I also don't want to afflict someone else with my gloom and idiosyncrasies. My cats are fine with it at least.

Man, you make a great point about afflicting others.  Despair sets in when you realize that in order not to burden another person with this sh!t, you have to leave them alone. A very lonely feeling indeed.

With respect to the girl incident/issue yesterday, I ended up being 1,000% right.  Everything that she did & said to me, especially Fri night, was a lie.  I was completely deceived.  Asked her what I did to deserve this.  

Here was her response:

”You don’t deserve any of it. That’s why I’m a coward. I love how attentive you are and the fact that you sent me pictures of flowers bc you couldn’t give them to me is one of the sweetest things anyone has ever done. You love to read, maybe more than me and have even written a book. That’s impressive. You can express your feelings like no other man I’ve met! Essential in a relationship. I’m a coward bc I can’t give this a shot. There just wasn’t a spark for me and I’d be wasting both our time if I didn’t tell you.”  (Which she didn’t do until I coaxed it out of her).

Yes, we did spend a good bit of time together irl.

So yeah.  This is exactly where my feelings on this entire issue come from.  This very kind of experience.    I think I have the right to be cynical.  The cynicism does NOT come simply because of one experience with one person, but a series of similar experience at the hands of multiple women over a number of years.  A clear pattern of the complete absence of empathy & compassion.  As I said earlier, the rest of you can have it.  I don’t want anything more to do with it.

You know what?  It feels really good when you stop hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.

Edited by adamrparr
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I'm an idiot! (This was not my first thought, but it's better, maybe)

 

Possible TW-friend needs help

So I've been trying to help this young friend of mine. She's suffering from PTSD, bpd, bipolar, anxiety...and her biggest problem is crying a lot, being hypersensitive to everything and everyone. Two nights ago we had a nice long chat and she said I helped her. Yesterday and today she's talking about ...well, let's just say shit is getting too much for her again. (I think she's just too much in her own head). But I've been trying to be positive. It hurts me to see her hurting. She keeps worrying that everyone around her is going to die and she'll be alone. I can actually relate to that, but I don't let it occupy my every waking thought. I told her to keep the faith, like our favorite musician says. Ive suggested she join a forum like this (didnt say which one or that im on it though) I dunno what else to do! I feel for her but at the same time, I have to protect my own self too. Like, I mean I can't talk to her ALL the time and he'll, I don't even know just how much value I am to her sometimes. Like why put in effort if it doesn't matter? (Some of my own problems. Of course it matters, because I tried, right?) Anyway, sorry, I just wanted to explain my day.

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17 hours ago, adamrparr said:

I’m fairly miserable at the moment.   Going through some pain at the hands of another.  Recently got involved with another girl.  My heart’s had a very hard time today on multiple fronts.  Shame on me for trusting her.  I knew better, but I never really learn.

I swear to God, at my age, I think I’d prefer the pain of being alone to the pain inflicted by someone else.  I’ve been through it too many times.  At this point, I react kinda like an abused dog.  Trauma’s real & it affects us profoundly.

In a nutshell, if ghosting weren’t a very real & widespread practice, there wouldn’t be a term for it.  That’s what’s going on tonight & not only does it enrage me, but I think it’s a hell of an indictment of human nature in general.  A profound lack of empathy, compassion & respect.  It’s a damned disgrace & I don’t want a damned thing more to do with it.  The rest of you can have it.

And with that the defense rests.

That really blows. I'm sorry. I understand what you mean. I generally shy away from romantic relationships for that sort of reason. I also hate ghosting. I feel like if people don't want to try and use messaging in a way that at least resembles conversation in polite society, they shouldn't message at all, and should make it clear that they can't be expected to answer messages beforehand. (I feel a bit differently on, for example, these forums, because the people here are all going through difficulty and pain, so it's reasonable if folk need time offline or don't answer at once. I don't think this counts with people on regular social media, though, if they have a real life relationship and they're not willing to be civil with the other person.)

I feel like you might be better off without this person. Don't settle for someone who doesn't treat you like you deserve to be treated.

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@adamrparr ahh, dating! That's what's wrong with dating, there's always an out! What you need is a wife, or at least someone who values loyalty. Eh, they may be crazy, but the won't leave you for silly things. They'll try to make it work. And yes, I know folks divorce, but like I said, find someone who only believes in that as a last resort.

(I'm sorry about the crazy remark. I was being silly. I'm sure there are plenty out there who value marriage and aren't crazy. I'm just one of the crazy ones. Lmao. Kidding!)

Sigh! I'm being a goofball today because I'm just frustrated about not being able to help people, like that friend. It's like, well, I can't help you so let's at least have a laugh! But unfortunately a lot of times it feels like im the only one laughing and then I start to feel like crying when I realize that. 😕

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53 minutes ago, Fray13 said:

Thank you for the encouraging words Floor2017. I haven't had the desire to seek professional help in years, but I'm starting to give it some SERIOUS consideration just to stop feeling this way. I hate it. I want to cry, but can't. I have thoughts every. single. day (more than once a day) about ******* myself (how, when, where). And the only REAL support I get is from reading and posting on here. 

I don't post very often and I don't have the desire to explain my situation or how depression and anxiety invited themselves into my life (yet). Suffice to say I hate my life right now and have for a while. But reading others' posts and occasionally posting myself and getting the kindest replies is something that keeps me going. 

Thank you Floor2017 and everyone else on here. You're the ONLY ones who truly know what it feels like.

I understand. There's no need to share anything you don't want to. Just knowing that others get it helps a lot.

I do hope you can find appropriate help if you need it. It's important to remember that if you don't feel comfortable with the service you recieve, or have any problems with medications, you must stand firm in what you know is true about your situation, and don't let anybody push you around or make you feel small. The only acceptable help is when it actually HELPS you; not when people take your money for nothing. Remember that you're worth something, and keep trying!

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20 minutes ago, MargotMontage said:

I feel like you might be better off without this person. Don't settle for someone who doesn't treat you like you deserve to be treated.

Bingo.  Ironically, in her own words,  I didn’t deserve any of what happened.  Yeah, no shit, Sherlock.   She wasn’t anywhere near worth me or my time.  Just a damned shame & very, very discouraging.

Thanks for bearing with me on this most universal & tiresome issue.  (WAS married for 14 years btw.  Ended largely because of very long, severe depressive episodes on my part.)

I checked myself in a couple of months before we got the divorce.  11 days.  I was most certainly su!cidal at the time.  On the 10th day of my stay, my ex-wife conducted the “joint therapy session” with me & my therapist in there BY PHONE.  Didn’t even have the decency to come there in person.  At the end of that conference call, I learned that I was headed home to certain divorce.  14 years & that’s the respect, empathy & compassion that I was shown by the person to whom I was married for a decade and a half.

So, betrayal in romantic relationships?  I’ve done graduate work in the field.  Like I said, my attitudes in this arena didn’t just materialize out of nothing.

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22 minutes ago, anxiousE said:

I'm an idiot! (This was not my first thought, but it's better, maybe)

 

Possible TW-friend needs help

So I've been trying to help this young friend of mine. She's suffering from PTSD, bpd, bipolar, anxiety...and her biggest problem is crying a lot, being hypersensitive to everything and everyone. Two nights ago we had a nice long chat and she said I helped her. Yesterday and today she's talking about ...well, let's just say shit is getting too much for her again. (I think she's just too much in her own head). But I've been trying to be positive. It hurts me to see her hurting. She keeps worrying that everyone around her is going to die and she'll be alone. I can actually relate to that, but I don't let it occupy my every waking thought. I told her to keep the faith, like our favorite musician says. Ive suggested she join a forum like this (didnt say which one or that im on it though) I dunno what else to do! I feel for her but at the same time, I have to protect my own self too. Like, I mean I can't talk to her ALL the time and he'll, I don't even know just how much value I am to her sometimes. Like why put in effort if it doesn't matter? (Some of my own problems. Of course it matters, because I tried, right?) Anyway, sorry, I just wanted to explain my day.

You're being a good friend, anxiousE. With these problems, that's all you can do. While you can point her in the right direction, she ultimately has to try and grapple with the symptoms herself. It doesn't hurt to have backup and support, (in fact, it's essential, and it's great that you're giving her what so many in her position don't have!) but you can't fix it. You can only help her with the process.

You are DEFINITELY valuable in this situation! I know because all of us need a friend like you, but not everyone gets it. She's very lucky to have you, even if you don't always feel that way. But you do have to practice self care, and distance yourself if needed.

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12 minutes ago, anxiousE said:

@adamrparr ahh, dating! That's what's wrong with dating, there's always an out! What you need is a wife, or at least someone who values loyalty. Eh, they may be crazy, but the won't leave you for silly things. They'll try to make it work. And yes, I know folks divorce, but like I said, find someone who only believes in that as a last resort.

(I'm sorry about the crazy remark. I was being silly. I'm sure there are plenty out there who value marriage and aren't crazy. I'm just one of the crazy ones. Lmao. Kidding!)

Sigh! I'm being a goofball today because I'm just frustrated about not being able to help people, like that friend. It's like, well, I can't help you so let's at least have a laugh! But unfortunately a lot of times it feels like im the only one laughing and then I start to feel like crying when I realize that. 😕

It's ok, I know what you mean. I guess that life can be like a David Lynch movie in that way: Do you laugh, or cry, or both? Is it weird, or normal, or can it be classified at all? Life is Strange. (Don't sue me, video game maker. I only referenced the title, didn't steal it! 😉)

Anyhow, I hope you'll be ok. :hugs:

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I know how everyone feels.  I'm not giving up on finding the perfect person for me out there but I'm certainly never making it my main focus again.  Every day I'm just going to be the best version of myself I can be and try to make the best life I can.  If someone wants to be there with me ok if not ok.  Most of my experiences with people in real life up to this point have been disappointments at best so I don't expect much.

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My current job isn't 100% bad, but I can say with rational conclusiveness that ''oppurtunity'' to enjoy myself, most of the time, is not there.

The collective lack of interest of these people for this job has been proven. This explains the other thing I'm going to point out.

They have a ''mob'' mentality against me because it's a small, tight little workspace with individuals who, for the most part, lack interest for what they do and have absolutely nothing in common with me.

Too many real-life groups of individuals are collectively making sure I do not get the oppurtunity to be productive in general and to grow as a person. Sadly, what I'm saying is one gazillion percent true.

It's not everybody, but it is absolutely a large enough size of people. I cannot find the right crowds to hang with because no one wants to give me an oppurtunity to show them what I can do.

Because of better finances, I have no difficulty whatsoever making myself happy, when I'm in isolation. But pleasing these others is impossible because they despise me when I'm in a bad mood just as much as when I'm in a good mood.

It seems like I'm putting myself at a huge disadvantage agaisnt them, when the numbers are not in my favor. I feel like something had to be done about that.

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Doing a little better today/tonight than yesterday, so I’ll take it.  Was able to really process the relationship/dating lunacy that happened over the weekend.  That shit was really tearing me up yesterday.  Ultimately, we parted on good terms tonight, something that I was determined to do.  I didn’t want resentment and anger to linger.

Got to talk to a great friend of mine from the boards on the phone tonight for quite a while, and it was tremendous.  This particular friendship seems to be a very special, profound gift from a dearly loved, departed friend, and I’m forever grateful for it.

So I’m just grateful to be feeling better than I did last night.  Better is better, so I’ll take it.

About to munch one of those herbal sedative brownies & just had a strong cup of Celestial Seasonings’ “Sleepytime Extra” herbal tea.  Hopefully won’t have too much trouble going to sleep.

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11 hours ago, sober4life said:

I know how everyone feels.  I'm not giving up on finding the perfect person for me out there but I'm certainly never making it my main focus again.  Every day I'm just going to be the best version of myself I can be and try to make the best life I can.  If someone wants to be there with me ok if not ok.  Most of my experiences with people in real life up to this point have been disappointments at best so I don't expect much.

In my personal experience people never took the mental illness aspect of my life very serious. Most people still think it's a joke. My relationships ended when my medications didn't work, and I was not the normal person I was, so my ex-boyfriend didn't want to deal with me. I haven't lost hope that good guys, and  good people still exist out there, because I have seen relationships and people stick by each other with this illness, and other troubles in their lives. It's all a matter or luck I think. I won't cry if I don't meet a good guy, to spend the rest of my life with, and to be quite honest most of the ones I had met were not very  understanding of the illness. So if it happens cool, if not, I won't cry or make a big deal of it. Life goes on for me..

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My job used to prevent me from going crazy, now it just makes me feel worse. Thinking of seeing my psychiatrist earlier than advised. Hearing echoes of my thoughts, cannot focus on anything at the moment. And the part of me that doesn't want to live is becoming more active again.

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i dont know why when i  give advice or my opinion to others, they say it's great, and thank you, but then when i think about me, like i want to try something new, i'm afraid i am going to fail, or why bother, you are a loser....yet last week i was telling a girl who is older than me to not give up on her dream, and i'd help her if i could with anything that i know and can .. i think it happens to many of us, like we give better advice to others but when it comes to us, we have our own self-doubts, i don't get it. how am i supposed to convince myself that i wont fail, that i wont like a fool trying something new, .....any advice you guys have would be appreciated...helpful..thanks

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15 hours ago, sober4life said:

This no fear attitude works.  I found someone to help with the 2 dead trees and I figured out my mower situation.  It's more of me bartering my way through life but it works with almost anything.

You may have to become my guru. I need to adopt a similar philosophy. 

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2 hours ago, JD4010 said:

You may have to become my guru. I need to adopt a similar philosophy. 

What it is is I just don't care anymore.  I don't want to die anymore but I'm not afraid of it at all so if I'm not afraid of that there's no reason to be afraid of anything anymore.

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