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20YearsandCounting

How Do You Feel Right Now #11

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10 hours ago, sober4life said:

I'm glad you're feeling better.  Like @Tears_Alwaysin real life talking about how I feel isn't safe.  When people started telling me I should go to a chiropractor I just lied and said my back was fine to everyone.  There's no chance I'm going.

If you have back pain, I highly suggest seeing a chiropractor. Mine is working magic on my back, and I've only had 2 sessions. It's a lot better, and quickly. I paid $40 out of pocket after insurance coverage for a session. 

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3 hours ago, RiverLight said:

If you have back pain, I highly suggest seeing a chiropractor. Mine is working magic on my back, and I've only had 2 sessions. It's a lot better, and quickly. I paid $40 out of pocket after insurance coverage for a session. 

It would probably be considered a specialist so it would be $40 for me as well.  Of course I would have to have a regular doctor to be referred to one which I don't.  The last doctor I had was basically my mom's friend and that's the only reason he took my case.  Most doctors look back through my history and I never hear from them again.

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On 1/10/2020 at 5:38 PM, John_in_SF said:

Very low. I have ruined my life. I don't know why I go on day after day. Nothing changes. I am forever alone. You can write "You're not alone!" but those are just chirpy words on a computer screen, a whistle in my graveyard.

I hear ya. I'm trying to un-ruin my life but it's like trying to shovel all of the shit out of a pig yard with a spoon made for dolls.

Edited by JD4010

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21 hours ago, PraiseBrownies said:

Haven't felt this much pain since my friend almost killed herself on a call with me. I'm still haunted by those tears. 

Oh damn. That is horrifying. I'm sorry it happened. 

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17 hours ago, sober4life said:

I'm back to the point of watching old DVDs.  I'm watching the same old DVDs I watched last year at this time.  I have no life and no friends.  Nobody is ever happy to see me.  Everyone I know always has the same look when I show up.  They hope I didn't see them and they try to get to the exit as soon as they can.

That's my social life too. Watching DVDs of old TV series and movies with my cats. I don't want to be out among human beings. Going to the laundromat and the store is quite enough contact with people for me.

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12 hours ago, Tears_Always said:

IT is a support form, it is just that it is peer support not professional. And really if there were professionals here everyone would have to stand-up and be counted, revile who they are and everything else, then there would be no one here. Oh and they would want lots of money.

Exactly. I was going to respond in the same way. I've gotten far more from this group than I ever did from the $250 for 15 minutes of professional "help". 

I'm trying very hard to keep going in the face of losing one of our own (Mark). I wish I knew why life has to suck so badly for so many people--especially the really good ones like Mark (and y'all).

Thank you everybody, for being my family

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Still numb and like I am a spectator watching me ruin my own life.  Yesterday I accidentally missed taking my meds for the first time in many months.  It really does make a difference.  Today I need to (and will) get back on track with the meds.  One foot in front of the other.  😐

So many thoughts running around in my mind.  How can I be so 'functional' and such a failure at the same time??

Sorry for the downer.  Hope everyone else is doing better.

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Just tired. Still affected by yesterday. A little angry too- I tried talking to my parents about losing Mark and my mother tried turning it into a life lesson about money. It was really insensitive.

I'll probably be okay by tomorrow but I have a right to my grief so I'll let myself feel it, probably will chat to my counselor about it too. Then I'll keep going forward.

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I get sick of my family insulting me but I can't let it get to me anymore because I know they do it because they see me as someone stronger than them.  They want to bring me down into the pit with them.  So if that's the case I need to prove them right and be strong.

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33 minutes ago, duck said:

minus 14 F here (minus 26 C)  I am enjoying the cold.  No bugs like summer time.  🙂

Here all the bugs come inside so houses are infested with lady bugs or stink bugs.  I could be covered in so many bugs they wouldn't be able to see me and it would be better than dealing with people.

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9 hours ago, JD4010 said:

 

Exactly. I was going to respond in the same way. I've gotten far more from this group than I ever did from the $250 for 15 minutes of professional "help". 

I'm trying very hard to keep going in the face of losing one of our own (Mark). I wish I knew why life has to suck so badly for so many people--especially the really good ones like Mark (and y'all).

Thank you everybody, for being my family

Just thinking: if there was someone qualified enough to advise Mark any solutions he could put into real-life actions…he may still be with us

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2 hours ago, iWantRope said:

Just thinking: if there was someone qualified enough to advise Mark any solutions he could put into real-life actions…he may still be with us

Mark knew what was out there to help him, he just got stonewalled by a system that is there to look good and do nothing, and people who were only looking at the bottom line not the people. As long as people are seen as expenses in Healthcare and employment they will be under valued and abused.

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15 hours ago, duck said:

minus 14 F here (minus 26 C)  I am enjoying the cold.  No bugs like summer time.  🙂

It's 32F/0C here today. It feels almost tropical. We had a few days below 0F, but not nearly as many as previous years (at least so far this winter).

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11 hours ago, Tears_Always said:

Mark knew what was out there to help him, he just got stonewalled by a system that is there to look good and do nothing, and people who were only looking at the bottom line not the people. As long as people are seen as expenses in Healthcare and employment they will be under valued and abused.

Yep, there it is. Exactly. We live in a sociopathic society.

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19 hours ago, sober4life said:

I get sick of my family insulting me but I can't let it get to me anymore because I know they do it because they see me as someone stronger than them.  They want to bring me down into the pit with them.  So if that's the case I need to prove them right and be strong.

I haven't been to see relatives and people who insulted me in the last 2-3 years and let me tell you how happy and proud I am! Whoever wants to be by my side, with my illness , great, if not, BYE BYE out of my life ..that's the only way I found peace.

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2 hours ago, ladysmurf said:

I haven't been to see relatives and people who insulted me in the last 2-3 years and let me tell you how happy and proud I am! Whoever wants to be by my side, with my illness , great, if not, BYE BYE out of my life ..that's the only way I found peace.

I'm very proud of you!  I know you want me to be happy and at peace.  I'm working on it.  They will be out of my life soon.  I will say I am at peace right now.  Also my situation for now is on the back burner for them.  My continued involvement until March when I go back to work is me making sure my situation stays on the back burner.  My freedom and the life I want is right around the corner.  I won't give up for anything!

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50 minutes ago, sober4life said:

I'm very proud of you!  I know you want me to be happy and at peace.  I'm working on it.  They will be out of my life soon.  I will say I am at peace right now.  Also my situation for now is on the back burner for them.  My continued involvement until March when I go back to work is me making sure my situation stays on the back burner.  My freedom and the life I want is right around the corner.  I won't give up for anything!

I'm proud of you too!! I hope someday soon I can say the same about getting my life together again.. but hearing you , and others on here gives me inspiration and hope, although my brain /anxiety keeps saying I won't make it.

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26 minutes ago, ladysmurf said:

I'm proud of you too!! I hope someday soon I can say the same about getting my life together again.. but hearing you , and others on here gives me inspiration and hope, although my brain /anxiety keeps saying I won't make it.

Sadly I know exactly how you feel.  My brain has never been on my side.  The last thing my brain wants is for me to find a better way to do this life.  My brain wants me to sit back and do nothing but drink and eat and watch tv all day.

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Haven’t been writing much lately.  Numerous reasons.  Just haven’t felt like it.  I’m still struggling with Dave’s death.  A friend & I spoke last night on the phone for a good while about that.  It was a great conversation & it really helped.  Ironically, this friend was also extremely close to Dave.  A good while back, Dave had gently suggested to both of us that we might want to reach out to the other.  He felt that we’d have a pretty cool connection.  As it turns out, Dave was very right.  It figures.

I really miss him badly.  We communicated every day, typically numerous times.  I do believe that we helped each other.  He’s just not there for me to talk to anymore & that hurts every day.  He was a particularly special friend of mine.

My friend & I spoke last night about the fact that I (we) have been largely emotionally numb with respect to Dave’s passing.  It’s been an unsettling near-absence of emotion about it a lot of the time.  Like I (we) am waiting for some sort of emotional dam to burst.  It hasn’t felt like normal grief.  It don’t understand that & that bothers me.

As fas as what I’ve got going on, that can wait for a bit.  I need to start sharing again, but can’t do it all at once.  I’m feeling meh.  Mild depression & anxiety, very unsurprisingly.  I’ve been very numb for a couple of months now, and that’s another story, but that has to change.  That change begins today.  I’ve been in a depressive, self-destructive rut & it has to change.  I’ve been lost since the layoff but I have to get off my a$$ and get back to it.

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1 hour ago, adamrparr said:

A good while back, Dave had gently suggested to both of us that we might want to reach out to the other.  He felt that we’d have a pretty cool connection.  As it turns out, Dave was very right.  It figures.

Just goes to show how much he cared and understood people. That is quite something to have friend that looked out for you even after you are gone.

hugs

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58 minutes ago, Tears_Always said:

Just goes to show how much he cared and understood people. That is quite something to have friend that looked out for you even after you are gone.

Why is it always the good people like him who pass away, but ****ing bus-thirds get to live long lifespans??

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