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How Do You Feel Right Now #11


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Worthless and afraid.  I don't know why, but I looked up an old lover's Facebook page and compared my life to his.  WHY, WHY, WHY DO I TORTURE MYSELF WITH THAT KIND OF BEHAVIOR????  I realize he is a stranger to me now and that as such, I'm not privy to what really goes on inside him. 

I'm grateful to have an outlet here with all of you, and an outlet with my own Facebook page, on which I have a mere 43 "friends," and only share myself with a select few.

But I feel like I've fallen behind; that I'm losing this race, as time seems to be moving forward exponentially.  Since my brother's death, I REALLY FEEL what has always been so: that every day I am alive I move closer to the end.  I'm flummoxed.  I don't know how to get what I want, sitting here on my ass, writing books and poems.  How do I ever expect to make a living at that?  I'm an actor who has not acted or taught in nearly 8 years because my health continues to deteriorate.  Two back surgeries and both knees replaced . . . I expected to feel better.  I went back to the doctor who did the surgeries (after ANOTHER MRI -- I'm going to glow in the dark pretty soon), and he says, and I can see, that he accomplished with the two surgeries what he expected to accomplish: to free pinched nerves in my spine.  So why do I still hurt?  My knees are better, but cartilage replacement doesn't help the arthritis pain in the bones. 

As a last resort, I'm going to give PRP a try: [ "Platelet-rich plasma (PRP) therapy uses injections of a concentration of a patient's own platelets to accelerate the healing of injured tendons, ligaments, muscles and joints. In this way, PRP injections use each individual patient's own healing system to improve musculoskeletal problems."]  It's worth a shot.

Ah, me!  Poor me.  Poor, poor pitiful me . . . (😉)

Thanks for listening.

 

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On 1/9/2020 at 7:33 PM, June322 said:

glad to hear you were having a good day duck! sad that it turned sour after talking to your sister. what happened ?

She started asking me stupid questions.  She thinks I can see the future.  

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Shiloh is still with me. Had a friend of mine who is a vet give me so advice and my parents and I decided against putting him down. We know what he has but he still has time so we are going one day at a time until the right time does eventually come.

On a good note I will be going to Vegas in March with my friend Kristin. We will be seeing Shania Twain while there and sight see for a few days.

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On 1/10/2020 at 12:22 PM, JD4010 said:

We've got a major winter storm bearing down on us over the weekend. We are looking at a foot or more of snow. Back when I was healthier, I enjoyed wintertime activities but now snowstorms are merely a huge PITA. I like cool weather but I wish we didn't have to get nailed with so much snow.

i don't mind a mild winter when i feel better but when i am depressed and anxious it brings me down so much more , it's so tiring and annoying 😞

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On 1/9/2020 at 10:39 PM, JD4010 said:

But I know that I will be in for a nasty ride.

The side effects disappearing makes it worth it though, perhaps I should have mentioned that haha. I sleep wonderfully again and my dreams are a lot calmer. 😴

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Was feeling great, but having just found out about markinthedark, my heart is very very heavy.  I'm not really particularly close with any of y'all but god, it still hurts so much to lose a friend. In tears as I type. 

Haven't felt this much pain since my friend almost killed herself on a call with me. I'm still haunted by those tears. 

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I'm back to the point of watching old DVDs.  I'm watching the same old DVDs I watched last year at this time.  I have no life and no friends.  Nobody is ever happy to see me.  Everyone I know always has the same look when I show up.  They hope I didn't see them and they try to get to the exit as soon as they can.

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17 hours ago, womanofthelight said:

Worthless and afraid.  I don't know why, but I looked up an old lover's Facebook page and compared my life to his.  WHY, WHY, WHY DO I TORTURE MYSELF WITH THAT KIND OF BEHAVIOR????  I realize he is a stranger to me now and that as such, I'm not privy to what really goes on inside him. 

I'm grateful to have an outlet here with all of you, and an outlet with my own Facebook page, on which I have a mere 43 "friends," and only share myself with a select few.

But I feel like I've fallen behind; that I'm losing this race, as time seems to be moving forward exponentially.  Since my brother's death, I REALLY FEEL what has always been so: that every day I am alive I move closer to the end.  I'm flummoxed.  I don't know how to get what I want, sitting here on my ass, writing books and poems.  How do I ever expect to make a living at that?  I'm an actor who has not acted or taught in nearly 8 years because my health continues to deteriorate.  Two back surgeries and both knees replaced . . . I expected to feel better.  I went back to the doctor who did the surgeries (after ANOTHER MRI -- I'm going to glow in the dark pretty soon), and he says, and I can see, that he accomplished with the two surgeries what he expected to accomplish: to free pinched nerves in my spine.  So why do I still hurt?  My knees are better, but cartilage replacement doesn't help the arthritis pain in the bones. 

As a last resort, I'm going to give PRP a try: [ "Platelet-rich plasma (PRP) therapy uses injections of a concentration of a patient's own platelets to accelerate the healing of injured tendons, ligaments, muscles and joints. In this way, PRP injections use each individual patient's own healing system to improve musculoskeletal problems."]  It's worth a shot.

Ah, me!  Poor me.  Poor, poor pitiful me . . . (😉)

Thanks for listening.

 

Oh man! I made a long heartfelt reply and it got lost! 😕 Oh well! I hear ya! Life's hard!

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This is so sad many of us here in the community grieving the loss of Dave / MarkintheDark, sad part is all we have is each other for support. If we were a "real" support group there would be counselors and support rushing in to help. Yet because of the nature of this group there is nothing we don't exist, our pain is not real, and we don't matter, kind of like how we feel in "real" life. The sad thing is people are much freer here with their words, thoughts, and feelings, we don't feel the need to measure every word and try to think of what consequences anything we say will have in the future. It is really so sad that the world is not a safe place.

Hugs.

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Was really struggling coming up to Christmas as it was the first year without my boy and the last time that I got to spend any real time with him. Went away at Christmas and though it didn't go as planned it did help to break the depression somewhat. When I got home the pain hit again really hard for a few days and then I kind of went numb, I hate to say it but that was nice not having tears in my eyes at all times. Then Thursday/ Friday happened and how hard it hurts, depression is back full force and if I could I would crawl into a dark hole and never come out again.  On Thursday/ Friday a friends little one passed (nothing could be done), heard about Mark, heard from a person who I have not heard from in just about a year (they wanted me to do something, no enquiry as to how I am doing), and came back to missing him majorly again. Life sucks.

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After two chiropractic adjustments and sessions, my back is soooo much better! I am soooo relieved. Thank goodness. More to go and do, but I no longer feel incapacitated, which makes me very very happy. 

All else is good in my world except for work. Always a pain in the you know what. lol.

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50 minutes ago, anxiousE said:

Oh man! I made a long heartfelt reply and it got lost! 😕 Oh well! I hear ya! Life's hard!

Thanks for thinking of me.  I appreciate you and your taking the time to reply--even though I can't see it.  That you replied in an effort to help, means everything.

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1 hour ago, RiverLight said:

After two chiropractic adjustments and sessions, my back is soooo much better! I am soooo relieved. Thank goodness. More to go and do, but I no longer feel incapacitated, which makes me very very happy. 

All else is good in my world except for work. Always a pain in the you know what. lol.

I'm glad you're feeling better.  Like @Tears_Alwaysin real life talking about how I feel isn't safe.  When people started telling me I should go to a chiropractor I just lied and said my back was fine to everyone.  There's no chance I'm going.

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sad and numb.  I finally realize that I have lost my daughter forever, a friend has stopped communicating and I fear she is back to cutting herself, on a jury that convicted a young man to 5 years in prison for causing the death of his 5 month old son and I learned that Markinthedark is no longer with us.

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My workplace is as bad as it can get. I've seen prison documentaries. It has become as bad as a prison.

There's zero harmony between me and any members of the staff members.

It's gotten to the point where the staff will not only take advantage of me when I'm down, but they also refuse to validate me as a human being in any way when I'm at the top of my game.

Basically, they think the worst of me if I'm having a bad day. And when I'm having a good day, they still think the worst of me.

I'm not even joking when I say that someone gave me a look that what I got from it was ''You think feeling positive about yourself will make us like you more, think again''.

I'm happy the no violence rule limits the potential damage to me and at least I have a paycheck. But at this point, it's time to send out resumés elsewhere.

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3 hours ago, Tears_Always said:

This is so sad many of us here in the community grieving the loss of Dave / MarkintheDark, sad part is all we have is each other for support. If we were a "real" support group there would be counselors and support rushing in to help. Yet because of the nature of this group there is nothing we don't exist, our pain is not real, and we don't matter, kind of like how we feel in "real" life. 

This is why I still don't believe DF is an actual support forum. There are no professional counselors here that can advise us solutions

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17 minutes ago, iWantRope said:

This is why I still don't believe DF is an actual support forum. There are no professional counselors here that can advise us solutions

IT is a support form, it is just that it is peer support not professional. And really if there were professionals here everyone would have to stand-up and be counted, revile who they are and everything else, then there would be no one here. Oh and they would want lots of money.

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2 hours ago, nojoy said:

sad and numb.  I finally realize that I have lost my daughter forever, a friend has stopped communicating and I fear she is back to cutting herself, on a jury that convicted a young man to 5 years in prison for causing the death of his 5 month old son and I learned that Markinthedark is no longer with us.

I am sorry for everything you are going though it makes the days that much harder to face. Hugs

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