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manicdepressive

How I Feel Right Now

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Right now, I feel depression, loneliness, and high anxiety. I take several medications and none of them seem to help. Or I would seriously not like to find out how I would feel without them. My wife died in January 2019 of breast cancer. I was already depressive to start after years in a bad work environment. I had functioned for decades almost normally. But everything bad came flooding back. I've been diagnosed with bipolar disorder since age 25 (nearly 60 now) and have been diagnosed with "double depression" as well. I moved a few months after my wife died to where most of my family lives. It's tough for them to understand or be supportive in my depressive state. They understand, somewhat, the pain of losing a loved one, but not really my complete condition. My sister is a school psychologist and has knowledge, but her empathy is not very strong. Anyway, I've been going through a bad depression for years now. And the anxiety is so high, I feel frozen in my home most of the time. I just wish I knew of a way to get out of this funk. I have a new psychiatrist who is trying to adjust my meds and an appointment for PTSD counseling. That's how I feel right now (the long version if you're in a hurry and the short version if you can relate).

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Medication never worked for me either.  It might have helped the manic part of it but certainly made depression worse and my overall quality of life worse.  I don't like feeling depressed but I don't like the feeling of nothing ever the meds seem to give me.  I love the manic times but the higher I go the farther I drop afterward.  The manic side was usually stronger but since my mom died the day after Thanksgiving last year the depressive side wins most days.  Every day I feel like I'm drowning in the ocean and have to save myself.  I know how you feel from losing your wife.  When someone close to you dies nobody seems to have much empathy or support.  You're lucky if anyone offers anything.  They kind of just leave us to go through the pain on our own.  If we don't save ourselves nobody will.  It's kind of sad really.  Of course we're depressed after losing someone we love but we have to find a way past it if a way exists.  I don't know the answer.  I wish I did.

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I'm so sorry for what you are going through,  Manicdepressive.  I am 64 years old and although I only suffer from unipolar depression, it is really brutal sometimes.  I can only imagine how awful bipolar depression must be.  It seems like those who have not experienced these things personally cannot really understand how terrible and devastating they are.  And without understanding, empathy can seem empty too.

I like your icon of Jimmy Hendrix.  When I was a teenager I saw a Jimmy Hendrix concert.  It was amazing and I still remember it very vividly.  I wish I knew what to say to help but I am struggling myself.  So sorry about the loss of your wife. That is so tragic!  I hope you find something that helps you.  You deserve some happiness and joy of living in your life ! ! !     - epictetus

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Thank you for the support and kind words. Despite the major depression, there is a glimmer of hope sometimes that I will be able to function normally again and feel better. So there's that. I can very much empathize with anyone going through the same thing. But I don't have the solution or words to make anything better either. I just keep trying with counseling and medications. And time, because of my wife's passing. That's all I can tell anyone else.

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manicdepressive:

You are very articulate describing what you are experiencing.  You are trying some new things.  Reason to hope.  Keep us posted.  Or keep this topic moving along with how you are doing.  

Wishing you the best

Tim 

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Hey there 🙂

I'm so so sorry to hear about the passing of your wife. It's good that you have your family there to support you, even if they can't totally understand what you're going through. Despite everything that you have been through, you seem to have a positive outlook which is very inspiring. I hope things work out with the counseling and hope things start to get better for you overall.

Wishing you nothing but the best.

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Posted (edited)

Thanks for listening/reading and responding. It helps more than you know. Feels good to get things out and have understanding replies.

Today is a counseling appointment this afternoon. I am looking forward to it but anxious about getting out. Where is the star trek transporter when you need it? Anyway, it's the first appointment after my move, last one was last year. It's supposed to be for PTSD but I don't know if that's what I need or not. We'll see. I guess they do something called EMDR therapy. My sister thinks it's a good idea.

Edited by manicdepressive

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I would suggest you not to use medications because they have many side effects. Go for CBT instead. You can buy CBT book on Amazon Kindle and improve your condition. Additionally, exercising, getting an emotional support animal, deep breathing, reading biographies of great people in history will also work. 

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