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How to help my (now ex) boyfriend through his depression?

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My (now ex) boyfriend and I have been together since January. End of February, he lost his job. He was having a hard time finding a new job, and one night coming back from a friend’s house end of March, he got a DUI (.085 but was unable to get it reduced). The DUI, losing his license for at minimum 6 months as a result, and being jobless meant he went back to live with his parents. Previously, he lived in the city close to me and all his friends. His parents are about 2 hours away from that in the country in a rural farming area. He was okay until about June, and since then he’s being getting drastically worse. He at one time would tell me daily I was the best thing to ever happen to him, that he loved me more than anything, and wanted to be with me forever and marry me one day. By middle of June, he was questioning if he even belonged in a relationship period. By July, his agitation and anger only grew, and we broke up as a result (he ended it, saying he wanted to be friends, and he hoped we could get back together when he moves back to the city even though he couldn’t say if we would or not). He wanted space. I gave him a week of space, then reached out, talked on the phone for 2 hours, and got back together. We stayed together for 2 more weeks, but it was clear his anger, depression, and frustration had reached an all time high. He felt like a stranger. We broke up Friday, he ended it, with him once again requesting space, this time for a month, saying he needs to work on himself, is suffering mentally and physically, and is in the worst spot he’s ever been in his life, and can’t bring me down that road with him reminding him that he’s an **** (which I’ve never done, but he feels this way anyway because he knows he isn’t treating me right), and that I’m a source of anger in his life right now even though he doesn’t know why, and he needs to cut that out. 

He went from having his own apartment, and a good job in a logistics firm as an account manager, to now living with his parents and working in a factory making refrigerators. He works overnights and spends all his waking hours outside of work in his parents basement playing video games on his PlayStation. He has distanced himself from all friends and family. It isn’t just me. He says he has no feelings and doesn’t think he feels love or knows what love is anymore. Everything makes him angry and he doesn’t know why. He hates himself. He hates who he has become. He’s like a completely different person. He’s religious, and said that even at church all he felt was anger. At this point, he sees no future with me or with anyone romantically. The only thing future related he wants to even see or consider is getting a good job in his field again. Unless it’s job related, he doesn’t want to talk to anyone about anything. He says when asked that the only thing that might make him happy is golf, but even then only temporarily. 

When he speaks, he’s emotionless now. It’s like there’s nothing there... It’s like he forgot he loves me. He can’t feel joy, only anger. I also want to add that he has suffered from depression before I met him, and he believes that medication didn’t fix him, only getting his old logistics job did. He refuses medicine or seeing a doctor, and ignores all articles and blogs I’ve sent him. He gets angry when I try to help or showed him love, even though he was so loving before... He says only a new job in the city and living alone again will make him happy. 

I want my boyfriend back. I hate this person he is now as much as he does. He’s become a mean, cruel, rude person. This isn’t who he is, but I don’t know how to help my now ex boyfriend, who wants no contact for a month, and won’t help himself. I also want to add he’s 24 years old. He is currently living with his mother and father, and he and his mother do not have the best relationship (she has also been very negative and judgmental regarding me).

Most recently, I wrote him today August 14th telling him I hoped he was okay and working on the things he needed to work on, to which he responded “You need to understand that space MEANS SPACE. No communication, no questions, nothing.” I did not reply. 

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Welcome to DF.  I think you'll find a lot of folks here who've walked a mile in your shoes.

imo, you've done your bit for and with him.  And, tbh, the breakup is still rather fresh to you..."absence makes the heart grow fonder," etc.  I'll make a few points:

You can't fix him, for one.  That's not your job.  He has every right to handle or not handle his problems as he sees fit.  You're not in charge of rescuing him.

For another, as you described it, he's given you a lot of clear, unmistakable messages.  You may not like those messages, but they need to be respected.  Again, you're not in charge of him.

Finally and most importantly, I'm going to suggest you find an Al-Anon meeting, like, within a few days if you can.  Just Google the name.  You'll find a site not only chock full of information, but also containing an extensive list of meetings worldwide.  Having been a member myself, I can tell you that you're virtually guaranteed to find folks in similar situations who will share the tools they've used to cope.  Try a few meetings to find those you like, where you feel comfortable.  The meetings are for anyone who has been or is being affected by someone else's drinking.  That's the only requirement for membership...and, btw, it's totally free.

Meanwhile, difficult as it is, you might try to get back to doing things for yourself.  Your post says a lot about him, very little about you except that you hate the person he has become.  What are the other feelings you're having?  What have you been doing?  Have you let chores, your personal appearance or other tasks lapse?  What have you done for yourself lately?

Let us know how it goes.

 

Edited by MarkintheDark

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First of all, let me say I'm very impressed by your integrity and character. In my experience, girlfriends were always fair-weather friends and would ditch me any time I hit a roadblock in life. It's cool to see you're not like this.

It's very common for mental illness to suddenly develop in guys his age. They can be normal people and then suddenly change almost overnight. I had a high school friend like this. He went from a quirky nerdy guy to a raging lunatic during his first year in college. He went berserk several times and was arrested and sent to the nut house at least twice. He told me he was bipolar, but I'm pretty sure it's something much worse like schizophrenia.

All my friends abandoned him and I tried to stay a loyal friend to him, but the unpredictable rages he would fly into became too much. I talked to my shrink about him and we decided that I should cut him out of my life. I blocked him on social media and haven't heard from him in years. I'm a lot happier now.

You're not going to like what I have to say, but you cannot fix him. He has to want to fix himself. As you've said, he's not that same person you once loved anymore. You don't deserve to be treated like you're a nuisance to him. You need to realize that it's over and move on with your life. He is never going to get better, he will only get worse. Tell him that it's over. Then do everything you can to try and forget about this guy. You're still young and you can do so much better.

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Welcome! Thanks for your honest sharing. I agree with what has been said already. I think at this point, you need to grieve the relationship and let it go. Sorry you are in this hard place yet it can get better. We are here to support you  

BW

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I've always been soo terrified I would become that person who becomes so destructive and toxic to not only himself, but to his friends family that people begin to actively believe they lives would be much better without me in it. I think many of us who suffer from depression share this fear.

Reading this thread just makes me incredibly sad.

Sadly, in the end, the others are right, you need start treating yourself as the #1 priority and make sure your mental health is being taken cared of.

Best of luck to you!

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