Jump to content

Hurting and looking for advice


hendricksbrock

Recommended Posts

 For the past month or so I’ve been fighting this depression and OCD with everything I have. I’d always convince myself that I could be worse, or that I wasn’t “there,” yet, not really sure where “there,” is. But I think it’s time I stop lying. I need help. I haven’t seen a therapist in over a year now, but it’s not like it’s been exactly easy to try and see one. I’m a college student and the most college counselors will tell you is that “yeah, life is hard! this transition must be hard.” And then recommend a yoga class. Of course in the city there’d be finding one, paying the fee, making the appointment and waiting, only to find out they’re just another bad therapist. God knows there are so many. I’m so depressed, so negative. Every day gets harder and harder, sometimes just talking makes me want to cry. I don’t understand why I am here or what I am living for. I can’t stop having panic attacks, and when I’m tired and so sad and so sick of being betrayed by myself it’s hard not to think “what quality of life is this to be living?” Because I know the answer: it isn’t quality. Gasping for air and not being able to walk in the middle of a subway terminal for no particular reason at all leaves something to be desired. Everything brings me pain and frustration, I can barely leave the house without getting an anxiety attack.  I get multiples of them a day and just want them to be gone, I can’t take it anymore. My body is exhausted, I’m exhausted. I just sit there with my burning eyes and weepy heart and wonder “can I do this for another day?” I don’t want to. But I don’t know if I have the strength to get help and recover just to relapse. I’m so tired. I’m so hopeless. I have to get on six different trains everyday just to get to and from work and just watching them come in makes me ache. I can’t put myself through this. Getting up is torture but I can’t quit. I hate to say this but I don’t feel strong right now. Nothing brings me joy. I just want to sleep. I find myself envying others, what it must feel like to not be so sick all the time. When I have anxiety attacks it feels like the world is ending, like I’m having a heart attack and an asthma attack while simultaneously being on the verge of throwing up. Whenever I’m not having one I live in fear of another one coming. I can’t leave the house without Xanax because I’m so afraid what will happen if it’s not with me, though recently I don’t take it as often as I’m running low and I know my doctor won’t prescribe me more without questions. I’ve only been with her a few months and she doesn’t know about my depression OR OCD and I’d like to keep it that way. She is not the nicest person or doctor. All the things that used to bring me joy don’t. I don’t even want to get out of bed. I don’t want to love anyone. I mean Jesus, how would I meet anyone anyways when I’m too afraid to leave the house. I have no friends. Who’s fault is that? I hate myself, and when I don’t hate myself I feel nothing. I only feel pain. I can’t even listen to music anymore, it just bothers me. There’s no point. I’m scaring myself. What do I do? My panic rules my life. Where do I go from here? I’m so paranoid I don’t even sleep. My stomach is a wreck so I don’t even eat.  It doesn’t help one of my biggest fears is getting sick so it’s hard to live life when that’s all I feel.  I have this dark feeling in my heart and stomach I can’t escape. I need some form of relief I can’t go on feeling like this. I can’t live like this anymore. What do I do? Im f*cking desperate

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I'm very sorry to hear that you are going through this. I've been through similar in the past. I know how horrible this is. It is truly torture. 

All I can say to you is that things certainly can get better with time. You are in the eye of the storm at the moment but that storm can't last forever.  It has to calm down. 

I understand that you don't trust certain people to help you in the way you need it. I've experienced similar. In spite of this I would suggest to you to get whatever help you can at the moment to help you through...  Don't overthink it too much.  You just need help, as much as you can get because feeling like this is awful. 

Wishing the best for you. Try to focus on small, gradual improvements in your situation and build on them. Hold on to any chink of light you can find. Focus on that and the good stuff should grow.

Nightjar. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

What you are going through is so heartbreaking, hendricksbrock ! ! ! 

I haven't been in a depression and anxiety/panic situation like you describe for many years now, but the the memory of that time is so vivid.  My heart really goes out to you ! ! ! 

Depression, anxiety and panic attacks are so brutal.  Just brutal!  There really are no words to describe them to people who have never suffered them. 

I have felt so many of the things you describe.  You describe them so well too.  You have a real gift for writing. 

It is so terrible the suffering you are enduring.  I wish I had some great advice for you but sadly I am at a loss for such wisdom. 

My life turned around when I was prescribed an antidepressant.  It helped me and brought down my anxiety too.  I rarely have panic attacks any more but they are horrible, just horrible.  I have Clonazepam for those.  Luckily I don't need that medication very often.  I know that what works for one person might not help someone else.  I can only share what has helped me.  Some books helped me too.  I would be happy to share the titles of those if you are interested.

I do want to thank you for posting what you did.  It will help so many people from around the world who use these Forums to feel less isolated and less alone with their own personal anguish and misery.  Many people have told me that posts like the one you wrote actually saved their lives.  So thank you so much.  I think you are very heroic!  I only wish I knew how to help you as much as you have helped so many people day here on the Forums. 

I hope and hope that somehow, someway that things get better for you.  You deserve a life where you can have peace of mind and joy of living ! ! !

- epictetus

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Try not to be hard on yourself as you have an illness that you didn’t cause. It is not your fault. I think a good psychiatrist and medication could be of great help. That has helped me a lot. Hoping things turn around for you soon. You are not alone in this. 

BW

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hello Hendricksbrock,

I feel very bad for you young man.  I assume you're of student age, college.  The tone of your description of your feelings, is as desperate as anyone has ever shared with me on the forum.  Thank you for sharing your fears. 

The fact that you don't include any background, or thoughts about how you ended up where you are only emphasizes your need for some relief.  I believe I've only experienced the totality of what you're feeling once, and I ended up in the hospital after a botched attempt of self *******.  So, first, don't do what I did, or, if you are thinking it, call the help that's offered on most pages of the forum. 

You've said that you have had experience with counseling, and don't have much confidence in it.  Too, like with the suggested yoga, it would take some time and effort to begin that again.  There's nothing wrong with yoga, just exercises to help you calm your mind.  But it sounds like your need again is more immediate.  Some here swear by their counseling therapy, but like you, my experience has mainly left a lot to be desired, like, a positive result, but I would set those wheels in motion, because a "good" one has been the best therapy for some here, and the main ingredient is the person you'll be dealing with.

Also didn't hear your past experience with meds.  I've had better results with medication, and even if not a long term answer, they may be able to take the load off while you consider other options.  Besides ongoing depression, I've only had panic attacks on a few occasions a few months back.  If I hadn't been reading about them on this forum, I wouldn't have known what was happening.  I simply woke up one regular morning, nothing special wrong or right, and couldn't get my breath.  That was very scary. 

Please plug away at seeing a prescribing doctor or therapist and tell them like you've told us.  You need to be able to get your breath right now.  Tell, suggest, or otherwise get them to understand you need some help in that direction now, then you can talk about intervention with a longer range in mind.  If all you can do is freak out, you have to first address that.

I wish I had something easier, quicker, more certain for you.  Take a breath, and take some action as much as you can manage.  Dangling at rope's end is no way to live, and we're dangling with you.  Please keep in touch with the forum and let us know how you are doing. 

 

Best, Bulgakov

Link to comment
Share on other sites

On 8/10/2019 at 10:53 AM, Nightjar said:

I'm very sorry to hear that you are going through this. I've been through similar in the past. I know how horrible this is. It is truly torture. 

All I can say to you is that things certainly can get better with time. You are in the eye of the storm at the moment but that storm can't last forever.  It has to calm down. 

I understand that you don't trust certain people to help you in the way you need it. I've experienced similar. In spite of this I would suggest to you to get whatever help you can at the moment to help you through...  Don't overthink it too much.  You just need help, as much as you can get because feeling like this is awful. 

Wishing the best for you. Try to focus on small, gradual improvements in your situation and build on them. Hold on to any chink of light you can find. Focus on that and the good stuff should grow.

Nightjar. 

Thank you so much for the advice. I talked to my mom about going back to counseling and she was so supportive of it, which was such a relief. Just letting someone know what's going on feels good. Thank you again so much for reaching out, it means a lot to me. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

On 8/10/2019 at 11:47 AM, Epictetus said:

What you are going through is so heartbreaking, hendricksbrock ! ! ! 

I haven't been in a depression and anxiety/panic situation like you describe for many years now, but the the memory of that time is so vivid.  My heart really goes out to you ! ! ! 

Depression, anxiety and panic attacks are so brutal.  Just brutal!  There really are no words to describe them to people who have never suffered them. 

I have felt so many of the things you describe.  You describe them so well too.  You have a real gift for writing. 

It is so terrible the suffering you are enduring.  I wish I had some great advice for you but sadly I am at a loss for such wisdom. 

My life turned around when I was prescribed an antidepressant.  It helped me and brought down my anxiety too.  I rarely have panic attacks any more but they are horrible, just horrible.  I have Clonazepam for those.  Luckily I don't need that medication very often.  I know that what works for one person might not help someone else.  I can only share what has helped me.  Some books helped me too.  I would be happy to share the titles of those if you are interested.

I do want to thank you for posting what you did.  It will help so many people from around the world who use these Forums to feel less isolated and less alone with their own personal anguish and misery.  Many people have told me that posts like the one you wrote actually saved their lives.  So thank you so much.  I think you are very heroic!  I only wish I knew how to help you as much as you have helped so many people day here on the Forums. 

I hope and hope that somehow, someway that things get better for you.  You deserve a life where you can have peace of mind and joy of living ! ! !

- epictetus

Thank you so much for responding, to know I am not alone makes me feel a lot better. Sometimes it feels like I'm hopeless but knowing there are others out there who know how I feel helps tremendously with that feeling. Thank you so much for complimenting my writing! I love to write and will try to do it more often as it helps relieve stress. Also, I would love to know the titles of those books! I am willing to try/ read anything that can help. Thank you so much again for the incredibly kind words. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

2 hours ago, hendricksbrock said:

Thank you so much for the advice. I talked to my mom about going back to counseling and she was so supportive of it, which was such a relief. Just letting someone know what's going on feels good. Thank you again so much for reaching out, it means a lot to me. 

No problem. Whenever you feel the need to vent you can post it here or in another thread and we will do our best to help.

It's really good to hear that you opened up to your mom and that it was helpful. You're right it can be such a relief to tell someone what's going on. Support can make a big difference to how we feel. As human beings we need it, especially when we are going through a tough time.

Good luck with the counsellor. Give them a chance, they might be decent. If nothing else maybe they can put you in touch with a support group or another counsellor who specialises in OCD and/or panic. 

Don't give up. Happiness is on the other side of this.

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

@hendricksbrock.

    How are you doing today?

    You asked me about books which helped me.  I have been helped a lot by self-help books written by Cognitive Therapists.  Some that helped me personally were "Feeling Good" by David Burns and then a somewhat technical book called "Cognitive Therapy Techniques" by Robert Leahy.  It was a little deeper than the Burns book in my opinion and I couldn't have followed his ideas if I hadn't read the Burns book first.  Books by Aaron T. Beck also helped me a lot.  I am not sure any of these are still in print but perhaps they are available through a public library. I am not trying to "promote" these books or authors.   There may be much better books that these and what helps one person sometimes isn't helpful to someone else.  I can only share with what helped me personally.

    I sure hope you find relief!  It is really terrible that you are suffering ! ! !   - epictetus

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
×
×
  • Create New...