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The Silent One

Told my therapist

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I needed accountability. I can't keep doing this. It's way out of hand I need help. I told my therapist I've been struggling with restricting, exercising, and purging. I felt so stupid and immature. She said she wanted to ask. Ut was waiting for me to bring it up. Now we are focusing on it in treatment and she will keep me accountable. 

I feel like people dont understand though. I can eat one cookie, still only eat 600 calories a day and I literally think that I look noticeably fatter and it skyrockets my depression and anxiety. I feel the least depressed when people notice my weight loss. 

I dont know if I can do this and I regret telling her about it. I'm a 26 year old. Why is this is an issue for me? It makes me feel weak and immature and I'm neither of those thing.

I've tried eating more this week and my depression has been through the roof. I don't know if I can do this. I didn't know how big of a problem it was until I tried to stop. I just really need some support right now because I'm not in a good place. 

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Hi @The Silent One I'm very sorry for this late reply to your post. 

Guilt, shame and embarrassment seem to make the problem so much worse. Out own abusive self-talk is so much worse than what most other people actually think or feel or say about us. It's not easy to overcome and I applaud you trying. 

I also told my therapist, I think doing so is a huge step forward. Speaking only for myself, I had great difficulty admitting that I couldn't just fix this problem all on my own. I eventually admitted that if the harsh internal abuse I heaped on myself actually worked it then it would've worked long before I asked for help. For a long time, it was just easier to let this problem define me as weak and hopelessly undisciplined. 

You're not defined by a problem. You've been doing the best you can with what information you knew. I'm hoping it gets easier for you once you learn techniques and tools to help you manage your relationship with food. And I hope you'll show yourself the patience necessary for learning and for changing behaviors that are ingrained. 

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