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Where did the cat go after losing his tail? To the retail store.

 

So I was at the bar last night and the waitress screamed, "Anyone know CPR?" I said, "Hell I know the entire alphabet." Everyone laughed...well everyone except that one guy.

 

If attacked by a mob of clowns, go for the juggler.

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If you don't pay your exorcist, do you get repossessed? 

 

Why did the scarecrow win the nobel prize? He was outstanding in his field.

 

Taking a dog named Shark to the beach is a bad idea.

 

A dry erase board? That's remarkable!

 

That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and it walks right past you...

 

(Feel free to add your own fav jokes!) 

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Do not trust atoms. They make up everything.

 

What does a thesaurus eat for breakfast? A synonym roll. 

 

When I was out shopping today, I tripped in the store. A woman saw this and wouldn't stop staring, so I said, "Sorry, it's been a while since I possessed a body." She looked horrified.

 

I yelled "COW!" at a woman who was riding her bike and she gave me the finger. Then she plowed her bike straight into the cow. I tried.

 

When I die, I want the people who did group projects with me in school to lower me into my grave so they can let me down one last time.

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What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.

 

RIP boiled water. You will be mist.

 

You know what's odd? Every other number.

 

What did the grape say when it got crushed? Nothing; it just let out a little wine.

 

Where did Noah keep the bees? In the Ark Hives.

 

What do you call a cow who just recently had her baby? Decalfinated. 

 

I don't trust stairs because they're always up to something.

 

I didn't think wearing orthopedic shoes would help, but I stand corrected.

 

Past, present, and future all walk into a room. It was tense.

 

I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger...then it hit me.

 

My mood ring is missing and I don't know how I feel about that.

 

Whoever came up with the name dentures really missed the chance to call them substitooths.

 

Procrastination is a dish best served eventually.

 

Next time a stranger talks to me in public, I will look at him shock and quietly whisper, "You can see me?"

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I have an Elton John pun. It's a little bit funny.

 

To the thief who took my antidepressants, I hope you're happy.

 

The fact that there's a highway to hell but only a staircase to heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.

 

Ghost who crashes party: "I'm just here for the boos."

 

I have a fear of speed bumps. I'm slowly getting over it. I also have a fear of elevators, but I'm slowly taking steps to get over it.

 

Have you ever tried blindfolded archery? You don't know what you're missing!

 

Apparently "spite" is not the appropriate answer to "What motivates you?"

 

So apparently RSVPing to a wedding invite "maybe next time" is not an appropriate response.

 

At any given time, the urge to sing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" is just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away... 

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I bought a little bag of air today...the company that made it was nice enough to include a few potato chips in the bag as well.

 

Dear Algebra, please stop asking us to find your X. She's never coming back, and don't ask Y.

 

A duck was about to cross the road when a chicken said to him, "Don't do it man. You'll NEVER hear the end of it."

 

Lord, give me coffee to change the things I can, wine to accept the things I can't, and chocolate to know the difference.

 

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

 

Haven't done the hokey pokey in a while. Forgot what it's all about.

 

Prophecy class cancelled due to unforeseen circumstances.

 

Kleptomaniacs always take things literally.

 

Whenever I try to eat healthy, a chocolate bar looks at me and snickers.

 

A bike in town keeps running me over. It's a vicious cycle.

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Cop: Turn around!

Me: 🎵Every now and then I get a little bit lonely, and you're never coming round...

Cop: TURN AROUND!

Me: 🎵Every now..." *Gets tased* 

 

 

Isn't it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and one that just sits there like, "How do I hold a pencil?" 

 

Spring is here! I'm so excited I wet my plants.

 

Why do cows have hooves, not feet? They lactose.

 

The officer said, "You're staggering." I said, "You're quite handsome yourself." We laughed and laughed...I need bail money.

 

I used to think I was indecisive. Now I'm not so sure. 

 

I tried to embrace my inner child today, and the little jerk bit me!

 

I'm always disappointed when a liar's pants don't actually catch on fire.

 

Viagra shipment stolen. Police looking for a gang of hardened criminals.

 

I saw a guy taking a bite of a Kit Kat bar without breaking it apart. Sir, we live in a society with rules!

 

First rule of Thesaurus Club: we don't talk, discuss, converse, chat, confer, deliberate, gab or gossip about Thesaurus Club.

 

Quoth the passive aggressive raven, "Nevermind!"

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The favorite joke at my house is as follows:

Two penguins were canoeing in the Saraha desert.

The penguin in the front turned to the penguin in the back and said, "Where's your paddle?"

The penguin in the back said, "Sure does."

It took my 20 year old three months and one google search to figure this one out.

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Not a joke but I heard someone singing a song but they had the lyrics wrong:  "You pick a find time to leave me Lucille, 400 children and crap in the field."

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