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desperateloser

How to Cope with being ugly

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Posted (edited)

I feel helpless and I want to get it out of my chest. Being ugly has ruined my whole life. I'm outcast because I'm ugly and I've come to a point where I can't leave home for two years. I was a very happy and cheerful child as a child. I wasn't a bad-looking kid. Then when I was 7 years old, I had a serious septum. After this day, my life was never the same. During the day I always had trouble breathing through my nose and I was breathing through my mouth asleep. When I was 13, I noticed something strange in my mouth or jaw and teeth, but I wasn't sure. I have a very big nose in my family that no one else has. My teeth were straight when I was a kid. But when I was 14, I realized that my teeth were extremely crooked and my jaw did not develop. I had a really weak jaw, my adolescence almost destroyed my teeth. They're crooked not slightly theyre so goddamn crooked. It took all my self-confidence. I didn't go out because I look like an ugly deformed person. I want to point this out.  I DONT LOOK HUMAN.  I'm not a regular ugly person,  i'm weak and deformed.  It literally deformed my face. I have a typical adenoid face right now. My face did not develop properly. A single facial feature is not good, each bone shows downward growth.

- Poor cheekbones

-downward extended jaw.

- Narrow palate and crooked teeth

- undeveloped maxilla

- Long nose -

Thin narrow lips asymmetric jaw

- Long middle face

- Narrow face and skull

- large burn marks on the arm

- There are permanent nail marks on my face from childhood.

-acne

 

I don't look like a human I'm constantly judged by my jaw and crooked teeth. People with weak jaws often equate to weak character, inadequate, low class. When you observe most people, you will find that people do not have the same characteristics. And I'm not just a normal ugly man, I'm strange, deformed and very ugly. When I was 17, I found a correlation between mouth breathing and weak jaw and crooked teeth, and I understood why I was excluded. Mouth breathing distorted my face. I hate myself for breathing by mouth, and I also hate that my irresponsible family doesn't take me to the doctor and treat my nose. Such a small problem ruined my life. What kind of a ****ing joke is this? It may sound funny, but it literally ruined my life. My jaw, my teeth and my jaw are permanently ruined, four-year ordinary university won't give me anything, I'm a poor person, I need a lot of surgery to look like a human, and I don't have the money to cover them. I doubt even the surgery can save me because you can't save a face that doesn't grow properly because the face melts like ice cream while breathing through the mouth. Everything in this life is luck. People always say it's important to work hard, but the situation is very different. The ugly and the poor have a 0 chance in this life.  I have no motivation, no power, I want to die and get rid of this unjust world. I'm probably gonna **** myself, I've been breaking up at home for the past two years and I don't see a positive future. I will be deprived of my life by people like a leper because I am a loser and ugly.

Edited by desperateloser

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I think I understand what you are going through, at least to an extent. I was the ugly kid while growing up, like Opie from Andy Griffith show but stoopid looking. My teachers during elementary and middle school didn't like my appearance so they'd single me out.

I have a big head and an ugly nose. Many of my teeth are missing because they rotted away. I couldn't afford to fix them so I just had them yanked. I can't smile because I look like some goofy hillbilly that just stumbled out of the woods.

Oh! And I went bald when I was 20. What a character building experience that was!

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I won’t deny any of your claims against this world. It is judgemental and unjust. I have no idea how you feel. I can try to empathize, but would fall far short. I can try to sympathize, but that doesn’t offer you a whole lot of condolence. I have been rejected due to some aspect of my physical appearance, but I won’t pretend to understand your plight.

 

What I can say is this: I learned a long time ago that (for some people) happiness comes in little moments. I am constantly tortured by depression and anxiety. And those moments of peace are sometimes worth the anguish.

 

Beyond that, I would also like to recall a recent event. A few weeks ago my 8 year old son and I were at a festival. We stopped at a lemonade stand. One of the workers had (what I assume is) a birth defect. My son asked me why he had the face of a monkey. I sat him down and told him this: “You know how everyone looks different, right? He just looks more different than most. But deep down he is the same as us. We are all just trying to find our way in life. And don’t forget that.”

 

My son listened, but pressed on about how/why this person looked so different. I said, “maybe he was in a car accident. Or maybe he fell off a swing and got hurt as a child.” Like I said, I assumed by the looks it was a birth defect, but regardless I wasn’t sure how I could explain to an 8 year old all the variables that could cause a birth defect. Then it hit me - the reasoning was irrelevant. So I said, “it could also be a birth defect.” He had no clue what that meant. And I was relieved because that meant that I had the opportunity to teach him what it means to me (not what it means to the rest of the world).

 

I said, “birth defect is how some people describe something on a baby that is really different. Maybe they were born without a foot. Or maybe their ears are really crooked. But I want you to know right now and never forget, it is NOT a defect. It is just different. And that they are the same as you, me, and everyone else. Just trying to find our way in life.”

 

To to be honest, I want to tell him that they suffer a lot more than others. But I think that’s a conversation for when he’s a little older and has a deeper ability for and understanding of empathy.

 

I know that this will likely never give you anything tangible that can help you get ahead in life. This world is an ungodly $hi++y place with even worse people. But what I told my son I believe 100%. And I absolutely believe it is the correct message. And I hope that the opportunity I had that day will eternally cement in his head that the words “defect” in the context of a person’s appearance are harmful, mean, evil, and most importantly hurtful. And also that it in no way indicates a person’s ability to be just like him.

 

I am not the best dad. Probably not even in the top 20%. But I felt good about having that opportunity before someone else did. And I hope it gives you a little peace - maybe even just a tiny bit. And that we’re not all that ignorant. A small percentage, yes. But not all of us. And (hopefully) more importantly, that we are taking those golden opportunities to also pass that compassion for others into our kids.

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you are not UGLY! don't say that....you have to love yourself the way it is...it took me years to love myself the way it is because i thought impressing others (is what i had to do) and comparing myself to others only made my life worse. real beauty is character, trust me. I'd rather be surrounded by people who have a real , honest, unique, genuine character than perfect bodies, expensive clothes, etc...that stuff means nothing to me.. i had friends who only cared for that stuff, and they are no longer in my life, do you know why? because they only relied on material things, and they weren't really my friends, they just pretended to be...looks will fade away, but a good character won't....that's my honest opinion 

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I am no medical expert, but you should probably make a list of the things you LOVE about yourself, and don't say there isn't any, because we all know that's NOT true!!!!! don't compare yourself to others. post that list near your bed and look at it every night you go to bed! 

I know being poor does not help either, because it makes life harder to find the right doctors, and insurance won't pay for braces or anything cosmetic if it's really bothering your self-esteem...but do you work?

If there are things that really bother you about your appearance and you think fixing them will make your self-esteem higher, how about you talk it over with your therapist or someone close to you? Maybe you can slowly save up money, and make it a goal, every year (or once you save up money) you do something for yourself. Like start with maybe looking into braces for your teeth if they are really bad..and it bothers you. They have all kinds of monthly plans and are cheaper than they used to be years ago with invisilign and all that new stuff they use ...go get at least 3 different opinions, look online for reviews, opinions of the doctors, because a lot of them sometimes lie too..

Make it a goal , don't give up and call yourself a loser, because we all know you aren't!! every single person has insecurities in this world, so you aren't alone, and if they say they don't they are lying... But these things take time, they won't happen over night. you have to focus and make it a goal. Some things you can change, others maybe you can't I'm not a medical expert, so I don't know..... but like i said, the people who will be by your side will have to accept you the way you are, knowing your insecurities, seeing if you can change them or if not, and accept you , otherwise why bother having them near you?

 

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12 hours ago, Stan Islavski said:

I won’t deny any of your claims against this world. It is judgemental and unjust. I have no idea how you feel. I can try to empathize, but would fall far short. I can try to sympathize, but that doesn’t offer you a whole lot of condolence. I have been rejected due to some aspect of my physical appearance, but I won’t pretend to understand your plight.

 

What I can say is this: I learned a long time ago that (for some people) happiness comes in little moments. I am constantly tortured by depression and anxiety. And those moments of peace are sometimes worth the anguish. 

 

Beyond that, I would also like to recall a recent event. A few weeks ago my 8 year old son and I were at a festival. We stopped at a lemonade stand. One of the workers had (what I assume is) a birth defect. My son asked me why he had the face of a monkey. I sat him down and told him this: “You know how everyone looks different, right? He just looks more different than most. But deep down he is the same as us. We are all just trying to find our way in life. And don’t forget that.”

 

My son listened, but pressed on about how/why this person looked so different. I said, “maybe he was in a car accident. Or maybe he fell off a swing and got hurt as a child.” Like I said, I assumed by the looks it was a birth defect, but regardless I wasn’t sure how I could explain to an 8 year old all the variables that could cause a birth defect. Then it hit me - the reasoning was irrelevant. So I said, “it could also be a birth defect.” He had no clue what that meant. And I was relieved because that meant that I had the opportunity to teach him what it means to me (not what it means to the rest of the world).

 

I said, “birth defect is how some people describe something on a baby that is really different. Maybe they were born without a foot. Or maybe their ears are really crooked. But I want you to know right now and never forget, it is NOT a defect. It is just different. And that they are the same as you, me, and everyone else. Just trying to find our way in life.”

 

To to be honest, I want to tell him that they suffer a lot more than others. But I think that’s a conversation for when he’s a little older and has a deeper ability for and understanding of empathy.

 

I know that this will likely never give you anything tangible that can help you get ahead in life. This world is an ungodly $hi++y place with even worse people. But what I told my son I believe 100%. And I absolutely believe it is the correct message. And I hope that the opportunity I had that day will eternally cement in his head that the words “defect” in the context of a person’s appearance are harmful, mean, evil, and most importantly hurtful. And also that it in no way indicates a person’s ability to be just like him.

 

I am not the best dad. Probably not even in the top 20%. But I felt good about having that opportunity before someone else did. And I hope it gives you a little peace - maybe even just a tiny bit. And that we’re not all that ignorant. A small percentage, yes. But not all of us. And (hopefully) more importantly, that we are taking those golden opportunities to also pass that compassion for others into our kids.

I am really glad you had that talk with your son. Some parents won't even bother, and the kids just end up laughing and bullying or making fun of others kids in school.

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The thing I desire most is a perfectly normal average face. I see normal people talking day to day and wonder how they do it. I see perfectly symmetrical well developed faces and wonder how that can be so effortless. It's crazy to me when I walk down the street and see all these guys with perfect faces and they didn't even have to get a single surgery to get there. Like what the **** man? How did you do that? Why couldn't I do that? You can't win in this life if you're unlucky.

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I had to have a septoplasty a few years ago and then it got re-deviated but not enough to justify another operation.  So I understand your difficulty breathing.  Have you started a go fund me page so that you can afford repairative surgery(ies)? 

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3 hours ago, desperateloser said:

The thing I desire most is a perfectly normal average face. I see normal people talking day to day and wonder how they do it. I see perfectly symmetrical well developed faces and wonder how that can be so effortless. It's crazy to me when I walk down the street and see all these guys with perfect faces and they didn't even have to get a single surgery to get there. Like what the **** man? How did you do that? Why couldn't I do that? You can't win in this life if you're unlucky.

You see their face as perfect, but what about the rest of their body? or character? is that all that matters a perfect face?  that perfect face won't always be perfect, and we all age. and what will matter the most is that the person is loyal, and real to you above all down the road, not their perfect face . like i said i am pretty sure they have their insecurities as well, like we all do, but perhaps you can start by saving money (or even the gofund me page like someone else mentioned, or look to see if some organizations exist that help in certain situations, or perhaps studies at nearby hospitals or schools, etc to get money).. and if it really bothers you to fix certain things in your body that you think are bothering you and not letting you live the life you've dreamed of.

You ask why? because it would be a pretty boring world if you we were all the same don't you think? perfect bodies, faces, etc.. No such thing exists, because everyone's definition and needs of a good looking person, nice body, character is different don't forget that.

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4 hours ago, ladysmurf said:

You see their face as perfect, but what about the rest of their body? or character?

I couldn’t agree more. You are putting yourself on the same level as everyone else. You are only looking at their appearance and believing they have a perfect life.

This is not to downplay the struggles you encounter due to your physical appearance. But you are doing what others are doing to you - judging them by their appearance.

I know plenty of people with a “perfect” appearance that are ungodly miserable people. No compassion. No empathy. All their relationships are superficial. And I wouldn’t bother spending a single moment with them.

Don't let yourself fall victim to the same patterns that have victimized you.

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Getting this off your chest is important, you did yourself a kindness by sharing what's weighing on you. I feel for your pain and I think you're brave for speaking openly about it, that's never easy, even anonymously. If you it feels better to write about it than to keep it inside, then please keep writing about it.

From what you described you have a tough situation and some things about your life are undeniably more difficult because of it. It is unfair. It's not your choice or your fault that you are this way. Yet it says nothing about your potential or your character or your humanity. 

How much you suffer for it is not entirely a matter for others to decide, you have some control over the pain you are inflicting upon yourself. I'm talking about labeling yourself, judging yourself and predicting only a bleak future - which you cannot know. You simply don't know what you don't know about what changes can happen in the years ahead. The repetitive dialog of negative thoughts in your head is twisting a knife that was stuck in you.

I don't have the same problems you do but I do have problems and time after time they have engulfed me. I haven't made them go away but I'm learning how to accept rather than resist what I can't change right now. Try to reserve a little energy for the self-compassion that you rightfully deserve. You may not believe you're worth it but you are. Like every human being you deserve love, not in spite of your condition but because we all deserve love. I also think you deserve a measure of respect for being resilient. If you do not receive respect from others, it is still something you can afford to give yourself. And in this support community, we've got enough compassion to share with you when you're struggling to find it within you. 

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Posted (edited)

I think people judge ugly people less because they care less about them and just want to get away from em. and beautiful people are more judged. etc

Edited by Farshad

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I know what this is like. I was always a funny-looking kid and puberty made me look even weirder. I also had a lot of health problems that contributed to this. And I just keep getting uglier every passing year.

I'm going to tell you the honest truth that you already know well. In this world, looks and money (also power and fame) are all that matter to 99.9% of people. Nobody will hire me. And dating is impossible. It's all done on the internet now where people judge you solely on your photo. I would never even get cast for school plays and have had to fight like hell to achieve anything.

I don't know what age you are... it sounds like you are young. If you're still living with your parents, tell them about your problem and that you want the necessary plastic surgeries and procedures. (I was too ashamed to do this when I was young, and I regret it.) If they say no, do whatever you can to persuade them.

If you are an adult, do whatever you can to get the money to do it. Yes, even beg for the money on gofundme or another similar site. So many opportunities that I'll never have again slipped me by because of superficial reasons like physical appearance.

It's horribly sad and unfair that it has to be this way, but you can't give up. You need to be the one to push back against the fate you were dealt.

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