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Sentinel2

Depression and a new job

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Hello, 

I finished college, now it is time to look for a job. 

I applied for a simple job. They replied me with an offer for a harder better paid job. I studied for this harder job and was happy of their reply. They gave me a simple task i have to perform to prove i am capable of this job. And here comes the depression and anxiety. I simply gave up on this task because i got so depressed and anxious, i simply didnt feel i am up for it. 

The reason this is so hard for me is that on 1 hand i would love to do this harder better paid job, if nothing else because i studied for it. But the reality is, right now i am just not capable of it. Every simple obstacle to me seems like life/death situation. So i thought about it rationaly and right now the best solution seems to be to just do the easier less paid job and get used to it, get used to the company, work, etc. And in time, if i get better, i can always apply for the harder better paid job. 

This is how i see it and would very much like your opinion. 

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Considering what you've previously posted about your battle plan, I like this approach.  Something that is both new and challenging seems to me like your cutoff point.  So, yeah, go for the "new" and leave "challenging" on the back burner for now, imo.  Or, put another way, "new" is enuf of a challenge.

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That sounds really good for your mental health. Thanks for posting this. I need to keep that in mind as I look for a new job which I am very anxious about doing. 

BW

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I just wanted to let you know that i applied for the simpler less paid job and am awaiting reply. In my mind i don't really expect much but i am glad i applied. And while i am sad that i am not fit for the better paid job right now, i have to learn to live with my health problems and adjust accordingly. 

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This is a great idea. Take your own time because you have just finished college and there will be several opportunities that will help you achieve the desired result. Your mental health comes first so keep up with the approach. 

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Posted (edited)

Don't let it get to you at all Sentinel.  Good on you for applying, and trying.  Any successful person will tell you they've had their share of "not" successful efforts.  I've gotten jobs and not gotten jobs.  It's not uncommon to miss a job, for reasons other than your own abilities, or lack of them.  IMO, brush up and put some effort into the interview process.  I was average at interviews, and a little thought in that direction is  a big part of what gets anyone a job.  Brush your teeth, be confident, and relax; and you'll be three steps ahead of most applying for the job.   You'll do fine. 

bulga

Edited by Bulgakov
editing never ends

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Keep applying for any job that interest you. Unlike Bulgakov,  I'm terrible at interviews, but I try to find out about the company I'm applying to, then ask questions during the interview about the company. Be presentable, nice, wrinkle-free clothing, be polite and sit up straight. 

Do you have someone who would be willing to help you practice interview techniques or check on you tube for videos of how to interview. And don't give up.  I've interview for more jobs than I have worked in my life.

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Not sure if anyone still follows this but a few new things happened. I went to another interview, i was sure they really wanted me but in the end didnt take me, really crashed me. But then they took me in another company so i got the job. I will not work exactly what i studied, though it is closely related. And while the pay is nothing spectacular, all things considered it is decent and more than enough for me to pay bills and still have plenty of money remaining. I have some negative thoughts as in, not sure if i can even advance in this company (to get better paycheck) and that i dont do exactly what i studied, meaning i basicly have to learn everything from 0. But it is quite a respected job, i am not ashamed to tell ppl what i do. And i couldnt get this job if i didnt go to college so that is a plus - meaning college wasnt for nothing. 
Right now i only have contract for 1 year, its always like this in my country when u come to a new company. Now i have to get my sh*t together - in real world ppl dont care about your depression and anxiety, they want results because without results, company will go bankrupt. So i will do my best  !!

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Had my second day at work. So much new things to learn, it seems it will take me months or years to learn it all. Right now i have big fears whether i will manage it - will i be smart enough ? I would be happy of some input from you if someone feels similar. And that is: right now my biggest fear is of being  embarrassed - my biggest fear is that my boss or coworker would say, hmm, i dont think you will be able to work here, you are not smart enough. Or something like that. I am not the slightest afraid of losing my income, just about getting embarrassed. And i just dont understand this, this makes absolutely no sense. Because if i get embarrassed and lose my job, what do i care what they think about me, i will probably never see them again so it doesnt matter. But losing income that is probably the worst thing that can happen, granted i have another income so i wouldnt be on the street but i would lose lots of comford. 

So to sum it up, how the hell am i more afraid of getting embarrassed than of losing my income ? Please if possible, comment 😞

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First, congratulations on getting the job.

Second, I have felt the same way as you.  I still feel that I'm not quite right for the job, even though I know I am and this job is much less stressful for me then the prior jobs I have had in childcare/preschool. I tend to stay to myself so that no one can find fault with me or say anything to humiliate or embarrass me. 

I wish you continue success with your job and peace in your thoughts.

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Your replies really mean a lot to me, 

Finished my third day. I am overwhelmed by how much i will have to learn in the coming months and i am afraid i just wont be able to handle it, i feel slow and stupid, i dont know whether its depression or maybe i was always like that and just didnt notice. Or maybe i did notice and didnt care. Today i was at working standing near a window thinking if i am high enough for a jump. It was just a thought, nothing more, i even think it calmed me down a bit. Fight or flight response, well mainly flight is kicking in. Something in me is saying, "quit that job before they fire you and u embarrass yourself". Its amazing that its so important to me what ppl think. I mean what if i couldnt handle the job ? So what ? I wouldnt be the first nor the last person. The worst is that i know this yet it is so hard i cant get it out of my head. 

I am trying to look at it this way. They pay me to learn, so its like college except i am getting paid. I have to do my best, but if my best isnt enough, its out of my control. So to quit a job would mean quiting which would be bad. But trying and failing would mean i gave it my best and that counts for something, speaks about character. I know that if in a few months i knew enough to keep a pace at work, i would be so proud of myself, considering my depression, back pain, anxiety, etc. I write to much, but i just need to get this of my chest. 

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