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This is probably going to be a long post.

I am a single male who has recently turned thirty who is going through a crisis of sorts. I've posted about this before but I'm feeling bad once again so I need to vent.

I did not have my first real "girlfriend" until about 4 months ago. The relationship was great at first (save some red flags I blissfully ignored), but it quickly deteriorated and she dumped me... on the day before I turned 30. This hit me really hard. I'm still not over it.

The day after I got dumped I started messaging someone else I met online. We never met up, but we texted a lot and she really helped me get through the breakup. She had recently gotten out of a relationship too and was kind of going through the same thing. Eventually I asked her if she wanted to meet up and she said "sure". She went on vacation and we were going to meet up after she got back. When she got back I texted her and she said she didn't "think either of us was in a good place to meet up". I was really upset, but I pretended like nothing happened and kept texting, and she kept texting back.

A couple weeks later she texted me and said she was "going to try and go on a date with someone, could backfire". I was floored. I didn't know what to say so I just wished her well. The next day I texted her and asked her how it went, and she said it went well. I later texted her and told her that I thought it was really crappy that I met her on a dating site and after having gone back on her offer to meet up is now telling me about other guys she is dating. I told her I didn't go online looking for a platonic relationship and that she should not have led me on. She got defensive, telling me how I wasn't over my ex, but somehow she was magically over hers. We argued back and forth, and she blamed me for getting bitter at her, but I think that relationship is done.

I feel like my ex treated me much the same way. She would lead me on and talk about doing certain things but when I would call her out on something she would get defensive. Eventually she broke up with me because we couldn't get along.

Here comes the fun part. I've dealt with depression my whole life. The only reason I was able to get a girlfriend was I had gotten to a place where I actually felt pretty good about myself. Now, having been rejected, and I feel, mislead, twice, I'm at the lowest point I've ever been. I no longer smoke cigarettes. but I'm extremely addicted to e-cigs, and I am going through those so fast its blowing so much money. I'm also on three different antidepressants and am seeing a therapist. It seems like none of this is helping. I literally feel miserable 90 percent of the time. The other 10 percent is not great, because I know I'm going to feel miserable again soon.

The cloud that is looming over my head is unreal. Almost nothing will help me escape the mental hell that I am feeling. I feel completely worthless. I'm 6'1", have been told I'm attractive, but feel like I'm an absolute ogre when I look at myself in the mirror. Additionally I feel really insecure about my career and feel like I'm spinning my wheels. I work a data entry job, and while that is mostly low stress, I don't make a ton of money and I feel like I'm wasting my talents. I only have a Bachelors degree, but I have a major in business, and minors in information systems and Spanish. I feel like I learned almost nothing in college, and career wise I have nothing to show for it. This all feeds my insecurity. I feel like women take one look at me and they see that I'm a failure.

I also feel incredibly socially awkward, and while I can make small talk with people I'm not trying to impress, if its a potential love interest or someone of high status that may be able to get me a job, I feel like a bumbling idiot. I feel like people can almost sense desperation in me, and maybe even a hint of creepiness.

The only debt I have is my house. Its an inexpensive house, but my parents loaned me the money and I am paying them back. I love that I am a homeowner but I don't feel that I have earned it. I feel like they feel guilty that I turned out the way I did and are doing everything they can to help me out. Because of this, I feel like a leech. Probably if I had no help I'd be more motivated because if I was starving, well, that's a hell of a motivator.

I've talked to my mom about some of these concerns and she assures me that none of the negative things I think about myself are true, but of course she's my mom, she has to say that.

I've tried delving into self help and religion in order to attempt to help myself. I go to church and try to pray and occasionally read scripture. I also have listened to The Secret several times on audio book, and have really tried to utilize the power of positive thinking. The problem is at a certain point I can't muster the strength to think positive anymore and I think I've just been deluding myself all the times I actually do feel good about myself.

Its gotten so bad lately that I've had thoughts of suicide. I don't think I would ever act out, but my therapist was concerned that if we don't meet more I may end up putting myself in the hospital. Sometimes I wonder if therapy and antidepressants are actually helping and think that all the money is just going down the drain.

I feel incredibly alone. I have a dog, and that helps, but I need human companionship. When I get dumped or rejected, the pain is unreal and I end up acting like a complete asshole, sealing the entire deal for certain. I've also developed an incredibly negative attitude towards women which I am not proud of.

I want to get married. Maybe one day have kids, who knows. But the depression, the insecurity, the anxiety... its unreal. I honestly feel like my brain is constantly telling my body it needs to die... and there's not a damn thing I can do about it. If I could snap out of it, get a better career, develop a healthy relationship with someone, maybe things would get better. But right now, I feel helpless. I feel like no one can help me, and I have no idea what to do in order to move myself forward and get out of this terrible rut (or canyon) that I'm stuck in.

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Hi Lukeskyflyer,

    Because of some recent events in my life [which are too painful for me to talk about right now] I can really identify with the thoughts and emotions you are experiencing.  Wish I had some good advice for you, but sadly I am at a loss.  I do want to thank you for posting what you did because it helps me feel like I am not the only one going through this.  I hope we both find something helps!   - epictetus

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Sometimes I feel like the only one. I know I’m not, but it feels like it. Really sucks when you’re in a relationship with someone who doesn’t seem to give a crap - even when they may be dealing with many of the same issues. 

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I read your post and took note of your rut and canyon metaphors.

My experience with depression reveals the metaphorical nature of depression.

I believe depression is a natural formation/RESOURCE.

I invoke a cave metaphor for depression which is similar to a canyon.

In nature a cave is formed by erosion, stress, and upheaval.

The idea is to be clever with powerful metaphors to strategize a way out of the depression trap.

If you're in a metaphorical canyon then obviously you need to metaphorically climb up and out.

And climbing is so much easier when we let go of excess emotional baggage.

The canyon can be a useful place to dump said emotional baggage.

I try to bury excess emotional baggage with my unlimited supply of bold metaphorical boulders.

Old Man Depression plays havoc with our psyches and we really need to play the most clever tricks right back.

Powerful and "cleverful" metaphors to me are my best bets dealing with depression.

Oscar

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It sounds like the depression is talking very loudly to you right now. It is best not to take it seriously. You have a lot of emotions going on. So I think in time things will shift again. Feelings aren’t facts and we tend to look at ourselves through a microscope but are much easier on other people. Try to step back and see yourself like a good friend would see you. Hang in there. You can make it through this.

BW

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Thanks for the replies.

I feel like the relationship ending was my fault. I tried to contact her and she blocked me. Then I tried to send her a Facebook message, after which she blocked me on there too. I feel like that’s some sort of closure, I guess? But now I’m paranoid. My anxiety is kicking in. I’m afraid she’s going to call the police or file a restraining order for repeated contact. My lawyer friend assured me that wouldn’t happen, but I’m still so anxious. I should’ve let it go, and maybe we couldn’t remained friends. I may have been okay with that. 

 I never threatened her or called her names, but I was very direct  about how I felt. I feel like this woman (and really all women) has had so much power over my life and emotions. If I didn’t feel the need for a romantic relationship I’d stay away from them completely, but I’m lonely. 

Btw I’ve already started messaging other women online, but I honestly don’t know if that’s a good idea. I guess it’s good to know there may be options, but that really doesn’t take away the pain. 

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