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Stan Islavski

Just Need to Get Some Things Out

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Posted (edited)

I visit the forums here when I'm feeling s**tty, but usually just read through the posts and respond with (hopefully) some positive thoughts.  Lately though, I have nothing positive to say.  I've written many of these and never hit "submit".  But I'm going to submit it this time.  So I apologize in advance for such being such a downer.  This will likely be long.

  • For the past few weeks my mood is the worst it's been in almost 20 years.
  • I went off medication.  And my irritability has soared through the roof.  But, for better or worse, I also quit drinking alcohol.
  • I started a new job and the whole situation sucks.  I was at my last job for 6 years.  I gave blood sweat and tears to that company.  I was underpaid with the assumption that there was plenty of advancement opportunity.  Between cutting operating expenses and creating new revenue streams, the company benefited over $500,000 from my employment.  Year after year, my boss kept saying "management" is on the horizon.  I finally had enough of it, and my division did nothing to try and retain me.  Now I'm at a new company back at the bottom - doing s**t work that adds zero value.  And in my 20+ years of professional employment, I've never worked with a team that was so complacent with mediocrity.  I think that upsets me more than anything since I don't accept mediocrity very easily.
  • I'm in a sexless, discouraging marriage.  No emotional support whatsoever.  I've even been told my problems aren't important.  Funny too, that happened in my first marriage as well.
  • I'm angry, hateful, and resentful of everyone and everything.
  • My ideations of suicide, vengeance, and violent behavior are now constant and unstoppable.
  • I don't know what love is.  I'm not sure if I ever did, nor ever had the capacity for it.  My dad died when I was 16.  My mom died 5 years ago.  I don't know that I ever felt sad for either one.  To me, it is what it is.  People live and then they die.  I'm indifferent.  I think I just expect that people don't stick around very long.  That's how I feel about it.  And that bothers me.
  • I don't know if I believe in God.  I was raised as a Christian.  And if God does exist, I hate him for making me (and others that suffer the same as me).  And I hate him for all the evil in the world.
  • I think one of my biggest fears is if people don't want me around.  I've experienced abandonment in many forms since a very young age.  It remains the worst pain I've ever felt.  And it seems to keep happening to me quite frequently.
  • I can't forgive.  I hold horrible resentment for people that have "wronged" me.  Always have.  Instead of having the ability to work through it, it just keeps adding up.  As I get older, the pile of hatred and resentment just keeps getting bigger.  There is a lot of old stuff that is buried in there.  But none of it has lessened.
  • A few years ago I came to the realization that I am a terrible person in some ways.  I resent myself for things I have done, and can't forgive myself either.  Probably never will.
  • I can't graduate beyond suicidal thoughts.  I don't think I've ever given it a solid attempt.  I wish I could.  But I can't and never could.  Even if I wanted to I couldn't do it.  And that bothers me.  It's just extremely disheartening knowing that - if I ever wanted to end it - I wouldn't have the guts to go though with it.  Today I passed a police officer on the way home from work and thought of ways I could get him to shoot me.
  • People say they love me.  I don't believe it for a second.
  • I've seen probably more than a dozen counselors in my life.  Most of them were worthless.  One of them was OK.  I'd probably continue to see her.  But she moved her practice about an hour away.

I'm so sick.  And I just can't get better.  Why?

(that's rhetorical... please don't feel obligated to answer or respond)

Edited by Stan Islavski

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Hi Stan! Thanks for your honest sharing. That took courage. You matter to us here. Is there a way that you can see a psychiatrist and find a medication that works for you? It took me awhile to find some meds that work for me but we finally found 2 that work good together. Hope you keep reading and posting. What you are experiencing is total normal for someone with mental health issues. Keep us posted. We are here to support you.

BW

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Posted (edited)

Hi Stan. I have felt what you are feeling and some days I still do. Just know you can tell us anything here. Ur very brave to post all your feelings and writing your heart out. I hope u feel a tiny bit better after getting those words out and clearing your thoughts. It’s ok to be wrong and foolish and make mistakes. You are a human and humans make mistakes, lotsa mistakes.

And your heart is a container. If you fill it up with anger and hate and negativity, there is no space to fill it up with positive way of thinking. So let it all out. Keep posting. Depression is a painful thing, so don’t listen to those thoughts, you’re doing your best and that is enough. Keep swimming and keep searching for a way out ya. Take it one step at a time. We are here and we feel you. 

Edited by Depressedgurl007

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On 7/12/2019 at 11:33 PM, Depressedgurl007 said:

Hi Stan. I have felt what you are feeling and some days I still do. Just know you can tell us anything here. Ur very brave to post all your feelings and writing your heart out. I hope u feel a tiny bit better after getting those words out and clearing your thoughts. It’s ok to be wrong and foolish and make mistakes. You are a human and humans make mistakes, lotsa mistakes.

And your heart is a container. If you fill it up with anger and hate and negativity, there is no space to fill it up with positive way of thinking. So let it all out. Keep posting. Depression is a painful thing, so don’t listen to those thoughts, you’re doing your best and that is enough. Keep swimming and keep searching for a way out ya. Take it one step at a time. We are here and we feel you. 

Thanks. I don’t think it’s “brave” though. I think it’s chicken s**t. I can’t put an end to it, and I can’t fix it. So all I have left is to complain quasi-anonymously. If I was truly brave maybe I’d share with family or friends. But I don’t.. If I was truly brave I would continue to seek out a good counselor. But that has proven to be such a discouraging process that I can no longer bear it. If I was truly brave I would share with my wife. But putting the possibility of her dismissal in front of potential healing is weakness in its finest form.

I like your analogy as our hearts as containers. I’ve always wondered why I lacked some basic human emotions such as love. That would certainly explain why.

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