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My wife and I both suffer from mental illness. She has major depression along with anxiety, something I see hand in hand with a lot of clinicly depressed people. I try my best with her and after each major depressive episode try to change how I behave around her just a little in hopes of making things easier for her. But, I'm so drained. I'm drained past I thought I could ever be. I love this woman so much but I feel absolutely useless around her. I can't help but get overly excited when I see small glints of happiness or content in her. But they are so few and far between ever since she got her job. 

 

My wife is from the UK and is homesick like you wouldn't believe. I wish we could move back but we aren't in the financial position too and it makes her feel stuck. And that makes me feel like a failure of a wife to her. If something reminds her of home, I know it will come with a wave of depression. And now with her new job, it's even worse. She's bored and hates living in the US and I have no idea how to fix it. Moving back is not simple at all since I'm not a EU citizen, and it will mean saving up 60k to be able to legally move back with a visa. It's an uphill struggle and I feel at fault since she wouldn't be here and be miserable if it wasn't for me. 

 

She was diagnosed with depression and anxiety a few years before she moved here and it's been two and a half years since that (and our marriage). I'm hoping to get her back on her medication for anxiety and to a therapist when she is able to get health insurance through her job, but until then we are both just running on fumes with it all. She was able to get free counseling in the UK and perceptions to help her. But right now we don't have that luxury and will have to wait. I feel horrible for having to tell her things will get better soon, we just need to be patient. She's stopped hoping things will ever get better. 

 

I get to such an emotionally worn out to the point that I just start crying while she lays down in our bedroom. It's her favorite place to be when she's having an episode. I don't know how to approach her or help her through this, and it's tearing me up inside. I miss being able to sit with her on the couch, laughing at some random bs. I miss countless kisses for no reason. I miss being intimate with one another and trying new things. I miss her laugh. Her smile. Her excitement. I feel selfish for wanting all these things back, but I can't help it. 

 

Now those good days where that does happen seem to be getting more and more rare. She's told me to just ask for sex since it's not on her radar, but I feel self conscious and unwanted. I'll get intimate with her and ask her if she'd want sex and I've been declined for a while now. I don't show her disappointment because I don't want that to be something that she gets upset at herself over. We usually just cuddle instead, or I'll rub her back. She has no temper gauge when she's having a depressed episode either. I'm adhd and have memory issues and it's here when she's extremely short with me or flat out treats me like an idiot. It's hard for me not to get frustrated back when she acts bullying like that, so I've just taken to keeping quiet when she is. I feel like I'm just slowly giving up.

 

She'll at rare times talk about how these are sign of her feeling suicidal and I feel especially worthless during these times. I've tried and had failed attempts at suicide, and I can't help but feel set off and at my lowest when she talks about it herself. She's never attempted and says she never will, but my heart sinks every time it's mentioned. Suicide talk is like being in an echo chamber for me. I get so lost at times and I don't know what I can do. I try talking to her and she keeps me pushed away and says I can't do anything to help her. 

 

I just miss my wife, and I feel like I can't do anything to help bring her back. 

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Try not to worry about moving to Europe, it would only be a temporary fix anyway. You mentioned that she was diagnosed with depression BEFORE moving so while being home might cheer her up for a few months she would quickly fall back into depression the same pattern. You can't run away from yourself...

You mentioned that she cannot get therapy because she doesn't have insurance but there are options to get therapy even without it. Call around and see if any therapists would be willing to see her on a sliding scale basis. If that is still too much she might even be able to get free therapy from a government-run health center. I used to live in Virginia and there they had a "Community Services Board" that would provide basic medical and mental health care to those who couldn't afford it. 

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21 minutes ago, lonelyforeigner said:

Try not to worry about moving to Europe, it would only be a temporary fix anyway. You mentioned that she was diagnosed with depression BEFORE moving so while being home might cheer her up for a few months she would quickly fall back into depression the same pattern. You can't run away from yourself...

You mentioned that she cannot get therapy because she doesn't have insurance but there are options to get therapy even without it. Call around and see if any therapists would be willing to see her on a sliding scale basis. If that is still too much she might even be able to get free therapy from a government-run health center. I used to live in Virginia and there they had a "Community Services Board" that would provide basic medical and mental health care to those who couldn't afford it. 

 

I can definitely look up and see, and yes financially we can't afford therapy unless we have insurance to cover part of it. I've tried looking for counseling places around but they seem to be specific for substance abuse. I'll try and see if there are government run ones, but we've been told we can't go into any government assisted programs or risk her visa. 

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How long has this been going on?  I'm sorry to read that you can't get help.  My wife went downhill quick beginning last August. We've seen a many doctors, tried all manner of meds.  none have been much help.  And my wife gets frustrated too.  I'm pushing her to eat, trying to keep her out of the hospital.  This morning she smashed her over-easy egg with her bare hands.  I was mostly concerned that she could burn her hands.  Yesterday morning she smashed her pear, but then she ate some of it. That's the goal.  If she eats, it's okay.  I warn her to be careful, not to bang her wrists.  I miss affection too.  I'm highly affectionate but she's never been very affectionate and now she can't, won't be able to.  

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