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MarkintheDark

Prepared to Check Out By Year's End

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Today's rain cooled things off significantly.  First time I've been able to keep the windows open in probably six months.  Usually that helps my attitude.  We'll see, under the circumstances, if that still holds any validity.  Jury's still out on that.

Gave the landlord a brief response, mentioning the new property, that I'm not enamored with it, but I'll take it if I must.  Reiterated my offer to compensate him.  As inclined as part of me would have been to ignore his email out of fear, I'm just not like that. 

Couldn't really accomplish squat today, save the scripts pickup.  Still apparently fighting off the trots, if that's not TMI.

IF I can manage, I'd like to head out for a brief predawn shoot Sunday morning and briefly pretend I still have my normal life.

Edited by MarkintheDark

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19 hours ago, MarkintheDark said:

@JD4010, @nojoy, @MargotMontage, @Tears_Always, et al...thank you for carrying me...b/c gawdknows I can't carry myself.  (I feel badly, too, I haven't been able to offer support to DF members lately.)

My late night musings - and, honestly, a wine cooler - have helped me keep somewhat calm.  Have an unusual photo opp (maybe two) tomorrow that, despite the showers in the forecast, I might use to get myself outside.

Jus' gonna ask you to again indulge me as I think out loud.  Got no one's ear to bend otherwise.  Although nothing's been said by my current landlord as of Friday - this guy's really being a saint - but I feel the personal pressure is on to make decisions and I feel they'll have to be made quickly...i.e., do I "commit" to that new lease, putting the move into motion, all its expenses and my exhaustion.  I ran all my figures and best I can hope for is two maybe three months' survival, maybe through February.  And the triplex with the owner in one unit is about as close as I'm gonna get to something even remotely acceptable.  He has no clue how sick I am.

Damn survival instinct.

otoh,  right now I'm in a perfect position to put an end to this and do it on a high note, relatively speaking.  Spot's in safe, quiet, familiar territory with neighbors, including canine buddies, who know and care about him (vs. an unknown sentence to kitty prison, unless a couple of these shelters can bypass it with an immediate foster for which there have been no takers).  What little funds I have I can leave to compensate my current landlord for his trouble, cover my simple cremation and other expenses my executor may incur.  I've made sure my will has specified them for use at his discretion.

Might as well note I've dropped ten lbs. in the past month and other symptoms are now causing me difficulties daily.  I can fake it for brief periods in public, but even a couple groceries late Friday were quite a performance.

Hi Mark! Firstly, I want to assure you that if you don't have the strength to reply, or to help out on the forums at the moment, nobody will think any less of you. You've done so much already and it's your turn to sit back and be assisted by others on the forums.

I really understand how you're feeling, and having Spot in the equation certainly makes it more difficult to choose, as what could happen to him varies depending on your course of action.

Your health is certainly not good now, and I feel terrible about the pain you must be enduring. Ten pounds lost in one month is no joke.

If 'hiding' helps you to keep calm and edge towards a decision, then I would say you're doing the right thing. Don't feel any pressure to reply here. Just know that there are people who care, even if they can't do anything IRL.

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@MarkintheDark,

Hey brother.  I’m sorry I’ve been out of the loop for a couple of days.  Didn’t drop off the planet, just needed to take a break from everything mentally.  Headed back to Memphis now.  Not exactly looking forward to that, and all it entails.

We’ll talk.

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Email fr the current landlord he's extending me until the end of the month.  So, I'm putting out a check right now.  Mixed feelings nevertheless.  Yeah, it gives me breathing room, temporary normalcy and a little longer to enjoy my life.  But I feel as though I'm just doing it to delay the inevitable...and may even end up losing that other unit.

Have the NP appt. this afternoon and don't feel as though it will accomplish anything except perhaps finally give me their detailed bloodwork I've been unable to access via their regular portal.

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5 hours ago, MarkintheDark said:

Email fr the current landlord he's extending me until the end of the month.  So, I'm putting out a check right now.  Mixed feelings nevertheless.  Yeah, it gives me breathing room, temporary normalcy and a little longer to enjoy my life.  But I feel as though I'm just doing it to delay the inevitable...and may even end up losing that other unit.

Have the NP appt. this afternoon and don't feel as though it will accomplish anything except perhaps finally give me their detailed bloodwork I've been unable to access via their regular portal.

I'm glad you have longer in your home, although I am concerned about you generally. I hope that it brings you comfort, and that when you do have to move, the other place will still be available.

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Ended up crashing a few hours until early evening after the landlord resolution (for a few weeks at least) and a rough clinic appointment.  My NP was patient, but concerned  that despite my best grooming efforts, I did not look well.  First time anyone has acknowledged that to my face in a long time.

She went ahead and put in the referral to, I forget, pulmonary or cardiology, despite my objections that their referral department had so badly screwed up her last referral, leaving nothing done.  Without wanting to raise alarms, I simply told her I was so damned tired and overwhelmed, I'd given up on the clinic being of any help. 

She posited that perhaps the Trazodone - that my former pdoc and I determined was being somewhat useful as an AD - was nevertheless causing problems with my energy since she typically prescribes it for sleep.  Yes, I think she has a point, but I've no options since my pdoc left and all they're offering me is telepsychiatry with a stranger 200 miles away or a jerk to whom I was referred last spring who's all about intimidation (big Doberman always at his side and an office with all the lights turned off).

Tonight, honestly, I don't feel anything like relief...even over the almost three weeks' respite and lab confirmation of some declining medical issues.  My legs hurt.  Hit the ibuprofen...though haven't needed Xanax since this morning.

Maybe I'll be able to pull myself together tomorrow.  Maybe I'll even feel like accomplishing something.  Yes, I accomplished stuff today - even telling my other NP that his referral simply snowed me with paperwork - but I feel lousy.  Maybe I'll just keep up my verbal vomit here....

Edited by MarkintheDark

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Sure it could be the Trazodone but it's just typical health care behavior to blame someone else anyone else for what's going on.  To say you're bad enough to need a specialist and then not even follow through is ridiculous.  They say the telepsychiatry is for our convenience but they've never cared about our time all the hours we've spent in their offices waiting while they double and triple booked people without a care and just got to us when they felt like it.

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23 hours ago, MarkintheDark said:

Ended up crashing a few hours until early evening after the landlord resolution (for a few weeks at least) and a rough clinic appointment.  My NP was patient, but concerned  that despite my best grooming efforts, I did not look well.  First time anyone has acknowledged that to my face in a long time.

She went ahead and put in the referral to, I forget, pulmonary or cardiology, despite my objections that their referral department had so badly screwed up her last referral, leaving nothing done.  Without wanting to raise alarms, I simply told her I was so damned tired and overwhelmed, I'd given up on the clinic being of any help. 

She posited that perhaps the Trazodone - that my former pdoc and I determined was being somewhat useful as an AD - was nevertheless causing problems with my energy since she typically prescribes it for sleep.  Yes, I think she has a point, but I've no options since my pdoc left and all they're offering me is telepsychiatry with a stranger 200 miles away or a jerk to whom I was referred last spring who's all about intimidation (big Doberman always at his side and an office with all the lights turned off).

Tonight, honestly, I don't feel anything like relief...even over the almost three weeks' respite and lab confirmation of some declining medical issues.  My legs hurt.  Hit the ibuprofen...though haven't needed Xanax since this morning.

Maybe I'll be able to pull myself together tomorrow.  Maybe I'll even feel like accomplishing something.  Yes, I accomplished stuff today - even telling my other NP that his referral simply snowed me with paperwork - but I feel lousy.  Maybe I'll just keep up my verbal vomit here....

:hugs:

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Wasn't at all able to pull myself together until Tuesday night.  At least it was for a brief, pleasurable, successful nighttime photo opp and a load of laundry.

Meanwhile, seems my clinic NP was concerned enough - bless her - to speak to the administrator that, for all intents, I'm putting the kibosh on more treatments from this clinic or dealing with a program that's been abusive towards me (an opinion with which she actually agreed...in colorful language).  Irony was that I then received a voicemail from this admin, the same guy who blew me off for two months...who's now acting as though he's concerned.  It would be pointless to engage a two-faced SOB like him.

As I mentioned to a friend here, I feel like I'm going to try to eke out a few more quality days this month.

Edited by MarkintheDark

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5 hours ago, sober4life said:

He probably is concerned for his own job.

idk that "concerned" would quite describe him.  He's more like a car salesman and/or spineless when it comes to the national parent company.  Those who thrive at this clinic are the ones best at playing politics...and they're as disingenuous as any politician.

Edited by MarkintheDark

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Having a tough evening...and this is a tough entry.  Received a note from one of the rescues that a few people are interested in at least fostering Spot, particularly since I laid out such a detailed story of his history, personality quirks, etc., not to mention a couple of the pix you've seen in my gallery here.

I finally was able to type out an affirming response, albeit somewhat through tears (as I am now) with Spot curled up on my lap (as usual), staring up at me, reaching out to rest a paw on one of the hands typing.  Even gave them half a dozen more pix to supplement the one in their listing.  If I can save him from a shelter's kitty prison or being left to his own devices in the neighborhood, a more compassionate yet uncertain option, and know that he's actually with an attentive, engaging family, that would be the best outcome.  Heck, he could even have some of his familiar belongings with him.

I haven't had this feeling in a few weeks, but I'm again suddenly struck at how all my exit preps (legals, museum donations, etc.) have gone so smoothly.  By contrast, most things associated with the survival side have usually been a brick wall of paperwork, rejections, or (in the case of some at the clinic) downright hostility.  I sure as hell am in no shape to get into the metaphysics of all this.

I think I'd better leave it at that before I lose it any further.

Edited by MarkintheDark

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You're a sweetheart.  It's obvious by your posts that Spot and all of your pets have had wonderful lives with you.  I hate that you have to go through this.  You're going through what is the hardest part of our lives that we all will have to face.  I know how you feel right now.  I just want you to know I'm proud of you and I'm here with you however things go.:flowers:

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3 hours ago, MarkintheDark said:

finally was able to type out an affirming response, albeit somewhat through tears (as I am now) with Spot curled up on my lap (as usual), staring up at me, reaching out to rest a paw on one of the hands typing.  Even gave them half a dozen more pix to supplement the one in their listing.  If I can save him from a shelter's kitty prison or being left to his own devices in the neighborhood, a more compassionate yet uncertain option, and know that he's actually with an attentive, engaging family, that would be the best outcome.  Heck, he could even have some of his familiar belongings with him.

I am so sorry yet happy Mark (crying as I type, the fact that you are giving up Spot makes this so real for me). I am so glad that people are interesting in taking him. He is a wonderful kitty and your photos have captured him so well.

I hope that you either gave it all to the clinic manager and told him were he belongs or hung up on him, or either way just didn't let him get to you. I am guessing you were polite and listened to his lies.

Sending you hugs Mark.

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2 hours ago, Tears_Always said:

I hope that you either gave it all to the clinic manager and told him were he belongs or hung up on him, or either way just didn't let him get to you. I am guessing you were polite and listened to his lies.

Only listened to his dulcet tones in the voicemail.  Didn't respond.  No point.

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Might as well add it was a tough night for a while physically.  Guess I'm used to dealing with the breathing/COPD issues (i.e, a shot of Robi plus an inhaler).  But what's been tentatively identified as hypotension (80/65 with the NP the other day), is what's increasingly causing problems.  Maybe TMI, but I've lately had to "go down" in a squat (or "tripod" as I've learned it's called) at least once almost daily until one of the spells/shakes passes.  At least I'm not blacking out and it only happens at home...a bad one Tuesday.  Several years ago that would happen only once in a blue moon.  Also learned that increasing my salt intake, plus my usual Diet Coke and sugar-free Gatorade could be useful.  And, water bottle's almost always with me.

And usually no one could even notice, I think.  Well, I guess some at the clinic noticed.

Jus' for the sake of venting...In a broader sense, for some reason it's fall when I take a comparative inventory of my physical abilities.  Four-five years ago I could still mow the lawn at the old house.  I could even manage it - with breaks - here at the duplex a couple years ago.  Can't imagine even the strength to start the mower now.  Hell, tbh, having to stop and tightly grip the grocery cart is one of those new skills I've had to acquire (oh, while still trying to appear normal), although I do have practice with the trash bin.  This is effin' ridiculous. [end of rant]

Edited by MarkintheDark

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7 hours ago, MarkintheDark said:

Having a tough evening...and this is a tough entry.  Received a note from one of the rescues that a few people are interested in at least fostering Spot, particularly since I laid out such a detailed story of his history, personality quirks, etc., not to mention a couple of the pix you've seen in my gallery here.

I finally was able to type out an affirming response, albeit somewhat through tears (as I am now) with Spot curled up on my lap (as usual), staring up at me, reaching out to rest a paw on one of the hands typing.  Even gave them half a dozen more pix to supplement the one in their listing.  If I can save him from a shelter's kitty prison or being left to his own devices in the neighborhood, a more compassionate yet uncertain option, and know that he's actually with an attentive, engaging family, that would be the best outcome.  Heck, he could even have some of his familiar belongings with him.

I haven't had this feeling in a few weeks, but I'm again suddenly struck at how all my exit preps (legals, museum donations, etc.) have gone so smoothly.  By contrast, most things associated with the survival side have usually been a brick wall of paperwork, rejections, or (in the case of some at the clinic) downright hostility.  I sure as hell am in no shape to get into the metaphysics of all this.

I think I'd better leave it at that before I lose it any further.

I'm both very happy that you've found a family for Spot, and very sad for you, as I know how hard it will be to give him up. But like you, I can see that it's the better choice for his wellbeing long term. I hope that you'll be ok, but I think you're very strong to do it. Your cats can be proud of you!

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Hey @MarkintheDark

I'm trying not to get emotional here so I'm gonna write a practical reply about cats ok?!

Spot seems to me like the kind of character who will always land on his feet: A very friendly mojito cat (see Jackson Galaxy). He will grieve for you (if you decide to go) but I'm sure he will have the strength to adapt and love on his new family in time because he trusts people. He will lean on them for support and of course they will adore him for his friendliness.

This is the total opposite of my cat. I could never let her go, she would go too, I'm pretty certain of that.  She has been so traumatised by humans she won't go near anyone but me. It took me 4 years to get her to sit on my lap. Four years of pouring love into her and telling her I love her a thousand times a day. Four years of moulding my day to fit her needs, give her regular play time and attention of the level you would give to a two year old child!

I never, ever raise my voice at her, no matter what she does to me or the house. I am her safe space and that's it.

She adores me now and follows me everywhere. We have a very strong bond, made stronger by the fact that she needs me so much. If I was gone I think the trauma of losing me aswell would cause her chronic health issues to flare up and she would pass. I don't think she has it in her to survive any more trauma.

It's taken everything for her to survive so far and she barely did that. She has a chronic wheezy chest from when she was abandoned in the middle of winter and an intermittent watery eye. She also has pronounced separation anxiety (she will hide till i return) and nervous tics! (She bites her nails and scratches at her ears when she is stressed). She is very hard work and demanding because she is a bengal and by rights a wild animal. I definitely don't believe they should be bred, they are not suited to living in a house and they are certainly not suited to living with people who work full time. But she is with me now and that's that..

Back to you and Spot. I know how much you love him. My cats are my children too. I would tattoo names on my body for them and them only. You have a special bond which will never die. He will never forget you and I believe that one day you will meet again..on the other side...though you may have to watch over him for a bit if you choose to go first. I truly believe we are reunited with our animals. Like the native americans, I believe they are the first ones we see. 

Sending love over to you both....I hope the weather is still a relief for your COPD. By the way, my grandmother  (who was my mother really) had this and rarely left her bed for 10 years. She would be amazed at what you are managing to do!! :hearts:

 

Edited by Nightjar

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7 hours ago, Nightjar said:

Spot seems to me like the kind of character who will always land on his feet: A very friendly mojito cat

Most definitely a mojito cat.  If someone has come over to do work or tour the property, he's the one who's gonna escort them, give them directions, etc.

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9 hours ago, Nightjar said:

Hey @MarkintheDark

I'm trying not to get emotional here so I'm gonna write a practical reply about cats ok?!

Spot seems to me like the kind of character who will always land on his feet: A very friendly mojito cat (see Jackson Galaxy). He will grieve for you (if you decide to go) but I'm sure he will have the strength to adapt and love on his new family in time because he trusts people. He will lean on them for support and of course they will adore him for his friendliness.

This is the total opposite of my cat. I could never let her go, she would go too, I'm pretty certain of that.  She has been so traumatised by humans she won't go near anyone but me. It took me 4 years to get her to sit on my lap. Four years of pouring love into her and telling her I love her a thousand times a day. Four years of moulding my day to fit her needs, give her regular play time and attention of the level you would give to a two year old child!

I never, ever raise my voice at her, no matter what she does to me or the house. I am her safe space and that's it.

She adores me now and follows me everywhere. We have a very strong bond, made stronger by the fact that she needs me so much. If I was gone I think the trauma of losing me aswell would cause her chronic health issues to flare up and she would pass. I don't think she has it in her to survive any more trauma.

It's taken everything for her to survive so far and she barely did that. She has a chronic wheezy chest from when she was abandoned in the middle of winter and an intermittent watery eye. She also has pronounced separation anxiety (she will hide till i return) and nervous tics! (She bites her nails and scratches at her ears when she is stressed). She is very hard work and demanding because she is a bengal and by rights a wild animal. I definitely don't believe they should be bred, they are not suited to living in a house and they are certainly not suited to living with people who work full time. But she is with me now and that's that..

Back to you and Spot. I know how much you love him. My cats are my children too. I would tattoo names on my body for them and them only. You have a special bond which will never die. He will never forget you and I believe that one day you will meet again..on the other side...though you may have to watch over him for a bit if you choose to go first. I truly believe we are reunited with our animals. Like the native americans, I believe they are the first ones we see. 

Sending love over to you both....I hope the weather is still a relief for your COPD. By the way, my grandmother  (who was my mother really) had this and rarely left her bed for 10 years. She would be amazed at what you are managing to do!! :hearts:

 

Well said, Nightjar! Thank you! This is a beautiful post.

You've done amazing work for your cat, and I'm glad she found you in life.

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Feeling messed up/backwards tonight.

Day was a waste until I had a phone convo with the foster coordinator who was concerned about placement with other cats until I emphasized, as I'd already written her, that Spot is enamored with dogs.  Seemed to encourage her take on things.  At least she seemed to agree with me when I invoked "kitty prison" since Spot hasn't had to deal with that environment for more than six of his seven years.  He probably wouldn't do well.

Wasn't pleased she wanted to get us with a vet to do shots, etc., beyond what was done a few years ago, nor that, as a foster, he'd have to remain indoors.  I understand the need from her standpoint.  Just another damn thing to add to my list.  She kept pushing that she wanted to do what she could so I could keep him with me.  Did my best to explain how dire my situation is.  All in all, I think she only heard about half of what I was saying.

I calmed down and, on a whim, headed out for some nighttime pix for an hour, ostensibly to relax.  Came home feeling awful, exactly the opposite of what I usually feel afterwards.

In short, although the day started ok, it just kinda went to hell for me physically.  Stomach/GI and anxiety giving me problems right now.  Doing only my second ¼ Xanax today, but feel like I need to have a cry.

Edited by MarkintheDark

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5 hours ago, MarkintheDark said:

Feeling messed up/backwards tonight.

Day was a waste until I had a phone convo with the foster coordinator who was concerned about placement with other cats until I emphasized, as I'd already written her, that Spot is enamored with dogs.  Seemed to encourage her take on things.  At least she seemed to agree with me when I invoked "kitty prison" since Spot hasn't had to deal with that environment for more than six of his seven years.  He probably wouldn't do well.

Wasn't pleased she wanted to get us with a vet to do shots, etc., beyond what was done a few years ago, nor that, as a foster, he'd have to remain indoors.  I understand the need from her standpoint.  Just another damn thing to add to my list.  She kept pushing that she wanted to do what she could so I could keep him with me.  Did my best to explain how dire my situation is.  All in all, I think she only heard about half of what I was saying.

I calmed down and, on a whim, headed out for some nighttime pix for an hour, ostensibly to relax.  Came home feeling awful, exactly the opposite of what I usually feel afterwards.

In short, although the day started ok, it just kinda went to hell for me physically.  Stomach/GI and anxiety giving me problems right now.  Doing only my second ¼ Xanax today, but feel like I need to have a cry.

I see what you mean. I think people do tend to block out when other people try to explain things they don't want to hear. She very likely did only hear half of what you're saying. However, as long as there's a place for Spot, I wouldn't say it was a waste to have the talk with her.

I'm sorry to hear how you're feeling. Pain and anxiety together are hell. Let us know how you're doing in a few hours or so! We're here if you need us.

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