Jump to content
MarkintheDark

Prepared to Check Out By Year's End

Recommended Posts

10 hours ago, Resistor said:

I see remarkable courage in you @MarkintheDark, I too am glad you are with us. Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing.

I agree.  You're a very strong person.  You are fighting with everything you have through a nightmare and you're finding your way through it.  I'm proud of you and I always will be.  I know exactly what you're going through right now.  I've been there myself.  When I first moved here paramedics had to save my life.  Otherwise I wouldn't be here.  You're a strong survivor and there's a part of you that says I will always find a way out of this no matter how bad things get.  You're tired and worn out but if there is any way through this I believe you will find it.  However this goes remember you have been a wonderful friend to me and I will always be proud of you.:hugs:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

never a coward Mark, but I think a hero to many of us here, not in the sense that you leap tall buildings in a single bound but for your honesty and ability to lay out what you are thinking and where you are coming from. When the time is right you will do what is right for you.

hugs to you and Spot.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
20 hours ago, MargotMontage said:

HI Mark! I wanted to ask how you're doing after your injections? Take care. I hope you're ok.

As I posted elsewhere, I was too wrapped up in my emotions to really notice the three needles for the most part, but the day after has been pretty awful all the way around physically and emotionally, try as hard as I did today to turn it off/shut it down.  TY.  Couldn't even manage a grocery run as I'd planned.  ok, barely managed a load of laundry.

Becoming more resigned to being forced into the only unit that has even close to the closet and bedroom space I need - even ditching some furniture - but that's in a crowded neighborhood.  I suppose it was fortunate that tonight, while double checking the layout in my drafting program, I discovered a measuring error that makes a difference...and not for the best.  But at least I caught it. 

One thing I should mention that's been on my mind, too, is that this unit is only a few blocks from Mom's old apartment I had to clean out when I put her in assisted living in January.  I don't like having to live so close to that reminder.

I still can't get my head around the physical move.  Much of it today has had to do with feeling sick...as though I should really be in the hospital with the dizziness, eyesight issues, COPD issues, muscle weakness.  And, tbh, it's taking me to that dark place again.  Don't feel like I can make any promises to anyone.

Edited by MarkintheDark

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
4 hours ago, MarkintheDark said:

As I posted elsewhere, I was too wrapped up in my emotions to really notice the three needles for the most part, but the day after has been pretty awful all the way around physically and emotionally, try as hard as I did today to turn it off/shut it down.  TY.  Couldn't even manage a grocery run as I'd planned.  ok, barely managed a load of laundry.

Becoming more resigned to being forced into the only unit that has even close to the closet and bedroom space I need - even ditching some furniture - but that's in a crowded neighborhood.  I suppose it was fortunate that tonight, while double checking the layout in my drafting program, I discovered a measuring error that makes a difference...and not for the best.  But at least I caught it. 

One thing I should mention that's been on my mind, too, is that this unit is only a few blocks from Mom's old apartment I had to clean out when I put her in assisted living in January.  I don't like having to live so close to that reminder.

I still can't get my head around the physical move.  Much of it today has had to do with feeling sick...as though I should really be in the hospital with the dizziness, eyesight issues, COPD issues, muscle weakness.  And, tbh, it's taking me to that dark place again.  Don't feel like I can make any promises to anyone.

I'm sorry that there are so many issues with your new living situation, although I'm glad you do have somewhere to live. Not that that's a comfort for you right now. Take care of you, get through it gently if you can, and remember we're here if you need to talk.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Three hours' sleep, up for a couple (and for meds), then back to bed for another couple.  Still dragging.   (Gawd, I wish SOMEONE understood how much effort this takes...I'm too damn sick for this sh*t.)  Somehow have made FOUR phone calls since midday, most that went to voicemail.  Trying to remain hopeful on the housing situation but skeptical, given my experience.  I definitely DON'T like that fall back property since much of it (crowded neighborhood, no laundry on site) feeds into the whole narrative of survival vs. quality of life.

One of the calls is in to a woman, on a referral from my NP, who I know has a long history helping folks like me with housing.

Pushed myself out the door for my 7-11 coffee (for which I only took a few sips), then managed some groceries.  That was about the worst, fighting dizzy spells, left eye acting up, and an unsteady leg.  I'm safely back home for now. 

Apparently, "fresh" rental listing go up early week on many sites...most of which are crap or simply unaffordable.  With that in mind, I MAY try to do my neighborhood tours this afternoon.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
19 minutes ago, MarkintheDark said:

Three hours' sleep, up for a couple (and for meds), then back to bed for another couple.  Still dragging.   (Gawd, I wish SOMEONE understood how much effort this takes...I'm too damn sick for this sh*t.)  Somehow have made FOUR phone calls since midday, most that went to voicemail.  Trying to remain hopeful on the housing situation but skeptical, given my experience.  I definitely DON'T like that fall back property since much of it (crowded neighborhood, no laundry on site) feeds into the whole narrative of survival vs. quality of life.

One of the calls is in to a woman, on a referral from my NP, who I know has a long history helping folks like me with housing.

Pushed myself out the door for my 7-11 coffee (for which I only took a few sips), then managed some groceries.  That was about the worst, fighting dizzy spells, left eye acting up, and an unsteady leg.  I'm safely back home for now. 

Apparently, "fresh" rental listing go up early week on many sites...most of which are crap or simply unaffordable.  With that in mind, I MAY try to do my neighborhood tours this afternoon.

You sound really ill, Mark. I hope you'll be ok. I don't know what could be done for you in a medical setting, given that you're suffering due to your injections and those are medicine and all. However, if you need the medical help, I hope you can get it without drama or a huge bill.

I understand what you mean about survival v quality of life. It's the discussion I have a lot with doctors who don't understand why I'm not ok with living on the poverty line and and tell me to be 'content' with what I've got. Then they go back to their nice, middle class houses with their families, two cars and golf club membership, and money in the bank. So I definitely feel for you. It's no good to be stuck in that situation when you're so sick you can't even enjoy your 7-11 coffee.

I really hope this woman you know of can help you with housing, because the right housing can really help when suffering ill health, whether mental or physical. May you be in less pain soon.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

TY @MargotMontage, but I've pushed too far today out of, I suppose, so-called necessity/survival...which is EXACTLY what I've been trying to avoid.  The housing help under what's called HOPWA takes 21 days, around which I can work given I have some funds available.  But it's three more forms to fill out.  It's effin' convoluted as hell.  Learned, too, that there's a monthly rent limit for one person...and that will require an "official" $15/month discount written into the lease.  I'll guess the solution is to just attach an Andrew Jackson to the monthly rent check.

I was also referred to a Legal Aid attorney, same wonderful office I used for my health care directives/will in perhaps a vain hope of getting disability assistance.  Again, just the damn scenario I've been trying to avoid.

Also made a final push over to the unit - a couple sips of the coffee in the car -  to confirm some measurements...which I'll add to the drafting program later.  For now, I'm just too damned worn out to start fighting new battles.  This is hell.

Edited by MarkintheDark

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Middle of the night and, despite at least a few hours' sleep this evening after the hellish day Wednesday, I'm further in the depths.

The so-called financial housing "assistance" is a couple pages of forms to be completed by my new landlord, plus a page of a dozen items asking for financial documentation (unemployment, months of bank statements that don't reflect my current situation, etc.).  Just more overwhelming bureaucratic paper shuffling that does me no good.  There's really no point.  I can't even begin to dig up all the information they require.  Nor am I going to lay all this on a new landlord.  I'm overwhelmed already.

It occurs to me that, at least if my friend David hadn't sold the place, I'd have a least a few months peace.

All it does is confirm the end of my quality of life, shoving myself into a shoebox in a neighborhood I don't like, divesting myself of even more treasured momentos that have brought me comfort over the past 30-40 years.  Even if by some miracle I managed the move and faked being solvent, I'd be destitute in a few months.  The question on my mind again comes down to why the hell bother with that additional stress of even attempting to resettle, a preview of which I had today fighting my own physical problems most of the day while trying to appear "normal."

Y'know, I wish it was a matter of being a 20-something drama queen.  Instead, no, I'm a guy in his mid-60s whose life and experiences are being picked apart piece by piece by a world that doesn't give a damn.

I have to get out of this nightmare.

Edited by MarkintheDark

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
16 minutes ago, MarkintheDark said:

Middle of the night and, despite at least a few hours' sleep this evening after the hellish day Wednesday, I'm further in the depths.

The so-called financial housing "assistance" is a couple pages of forms to be completed by my new landlord, plus a page of a dozen items asking for financial documentation (unemployment, months of bank statements that don't reflect my current situation, etc.).  Just more overwhelming bureaucratic paper shuffling that does me no good.  There's really no point.  I can't even begin to dig up all the information they require.  Nor am I going to lay all this on a new landlord.  I'm overwhelmed already.

All it does is confirm the end of my quality of life, shoving myself into a shoebox in a neighborhood I don't like, divesting myself of even more treasured momentos that have brought me comfort over the past 30-40 years.  Even if by some miracle I managed the move and faked being solvent, I'd be destitute in a few months.  The question on my mind again comes down to why the hell bother with that additional stress of even attempting to resettle, a preview of which I had today fighting my own physical problems most of the day while trying to appear "normal."

Y'know, I wish it was a matter of being a 20-something drama queen.  Instead, no, I'm a guy in his mid-60s whose life and experiences are being picked apart piece by piece by a world that doesn't give a damn.

I have to get out of this nightmare.

I've been thinking carefully, trying to think of something to say that will bring comfort to you, but because I know where you're coming from, I also know that words are pretty empty under the circumstances. All I can say is that I wish there was more I could do for you, and I wish that you had people around you in real life who could give you love and support all the time. As it is, all I can say is how sorry I am.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

@MarkintheDark

I wish I had the words to heal you. All I can say is you have been a blessing in my live. Your words have gotten me through many tough nights and days. I pray to whatever god is listening that you can find some calm and peace in this terrible world,

Love and Hugs to you, my friend

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

@MarkintheDark like everyone else I wish I had the words to make it better and I wish the world cared.

You have questioned many times if the move was worth it, perhaps it is time to say forget it. You have your plan and know that you have a few days instead of trying to go on as normal is it time for you to enjoy your last little bit?

I am not offering advice but something for you to consider. You already know I think the world will be dimmer without you and that even though we cannot be there in person you mean a lot to so many of us.

It is time for you to do for yourself and hopefully find all that you seek.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Well, at least I kept my promise to myself Thursday, forcing myself to stay in bed as much as possible, treating myself to soup and 2½ hours, in segments, of Fritz Lang's 1927 silent, "Metropolis" (tbh, I'm partial to Bridgette Helm's "bad" Maria). 

I only finally came out late night to get the bottle of Robi that holds the coughing at bay - the most useful solution from my hospital stay a year ago - so I can breath without struggling.  And, ended up doing four of my ¼ tabs of Xanax today to keep it together.

Although I like the peacefulness of nighttime, I noticed how suddenly lonely everything felt when I stepped out the door.  All in all, however, I'd have to say I'm calmer than 24 hours ago, even if feeling lonely.

idk any other place to mention this, but apparently a rat or something died in the attic crawlspace, smelling up the bathroom, and I have no way to access it.  Like I really need that kind of reminder right now.

I've played about all I can with the digitized layout, one which is cramped livable, save the bedroom which, thankfully, is the same size as the current one and with which I can maintain a completely familiar, calming layout.  As my safe space, that's particularly important to me.  And there's sufficient closet space. 

But the physical/emotional effort and expense required for the move, as Tears alluded, makes me question everything...that is, I'm in my best position to peacefully exit sooner rather than later.  I guess I'll know when I know what my threshold for quality of life vs. surviving is.  I've been getting small breaks here and there, but they're only buying me a couple months at best.  You folks are the only ones who understand.

If you'll further indulge a little ramble, one of the dreams I had today - I won't try to interpret - was a few people I didn't recognize welcoming me, after a pleasant drive, to a small oceanside property of simple bungalows, directing me to one they'd prepared just for me.  It felt reassuring.

Edited by MarkintheDark

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
2 hours ago, MarkintheDark said:

Well, at least I kept my promise to myself Thursday, forcing myself to stay in bed as much as possible, treating myself to soup and 2½ hours, in segments, of Fritz Lang's 1927 silent, "Metropolis" (tbh, I'm partial to Bridgette Helm's "bad" Maria). 

I only finally came out late night to get the bottle of Robi that holds the coughing at bay - the most useful solution from my hospital stay a year ago - so I can breath without struggling.  And, ended up doing four of my ¼ tabs of Xanax today to keep it together.

Although I like the peacefulness of nighttime, I noticed how suddenly lonely everything felt when I stepped out the door.  All in all, however, I'd have to say I'm calmer than 24 hours ago, even if feeling lonely.

idk any other place to mention this, but apparently a rat or something died in the attic crawlspace, smelling up the bathroom, and I have no way to access it.  Like I really need that kind of reminder right now.

I've played about all I can with the digitized layout, one which is cramped livable, save the bedroom which, thankfully, is the same size as the current one and with which I can maintain a completely familiar, calming layout.  As my safe space, that's particularly important to me.  And there's sufficient closet space. 

But the physical/emotional effort and expense required for the move, as Tears alluded, makes me question everything...that is, I'm in my best position to peacefully exit sooner rather than later.  I guess I'll know when I know what my threshold for quality of life vs. surviving is.  I've been getting small breaks here and there, but they're only buying me a couple months at best.  You folks are the only ones who understand.

If you'll further indulge a little ramble, one of the dreams I had today - I won't try to interpret - was a few people I didn't recognize welcoming me, after a pleasant drive, to a small oceanside property of simple bungalows, directing me to one they'd prepared just for me.  It felt reassuring.

Well done, Mark! Every step counts. I know it's hard, but you're doing well to hang in there.

The dream sounds like a beautiful one. Thank you for sharing it.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Back on track doing meds at sunrise, but then back to bed.  Even midday - and now even having done my second ¼ tab -  I've lost any hope of getting it together on a Friday...or even the weekend, despite what I'd normally consider an exciting photo opp Sat and perhaps even Sun.  It would just be me putting on my "face" and hanging out with people who have health, jobs, lives and families.  Hell, OF COURSE I deserve to be homeless.

My only thought today is that I've given up even caring about the fight.  I'll probably hide the rest of the day and try to enjoy the few I have left.  Have a clinic appt. Monday I may or may not keep.  idk what good it will be reviewing my blood tests or even mentioning the dizziness, eyesight and leg/mobility issues.  I'll just be shoved into a referral program that's already ignored me.

No one's around who's gonna help with, say, any packing.  It's all on me.  No one understands or cares how completely drained I am.  I feel like I've completely failed myself and everyone else, that I'm beyond even deserving redemption.

I didn't mention that the other day, out of the blue, I received an invite for an out-of-state family reunion of my dozen or so cousins next summer...harking back 50 or so years in remembrance to our wonderful grandmother's death.  These are people who are everything I'm not, who have homes, titles, families, jobs, etc., even wealth.  Being the youngest, too, my life is beyond anything they could ever understand.

Edited by MarkintheDark

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, MarkintheDark said:

No one's around who's gonna help with, say, any packing.  It's all on me.  No one understands or cares how completely drained I am.  I feel like I've completely failed myself and everyone else, that I'm beyond even deserving redemption.

 

Would if I could, my friend...would if I could.

Of course you are worthy of redemption. As AdamRParr said elsewhere, you are a shining light on this decidedly bleak planet. Thank you for being here.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
2 hours ago, MarkintheDark said:

Back on track doing meds at sunrise, but then back to bed.  Even midday - and now even having done my second ¼ tab -  I've lost any hope of getting it together on a Friday...or even the weekend, despite what I'd normally consider an exciting photo opp Sat and perhaps even Sun.  It would just be me putting on my "face" and hanging out with people who have health, jobs, lives and families.  Hell, OF COURSE I deserve to be homeless.

My only thought today is that I've given up even caring about the fight.  I'll probably hide the rest of the day and try to enjoy the few I have left.  Have a clinic appt. Monday I may or may not keep.  idk what good it will be reviewing my blood tests or even mentioning the dizziness, eyesight and leg/mobility issues.  I'll just be shoved into a referral program that's already ignored me.

No one's around who's gonna help with, say, any packing.  It's all on me.  No one understands or cares how completely drained I am.  I feel like I've completely failed myself and everyone else, that I'm beyond even deserving redemption.

I didn't mention that the other day, out of the blue, I received an invite for an out-of-state family reunion of my dozen or so cousins next summer...harking back 50 or so years in remembrance to our wonderful grandmother's death.  These are people who are everything I'm not, who have homes, titles, families, jobs, etc., even wealth.  Being the youngest, too, my life is beyond anything they could ever understand.

I"m so sorry, Mark. If I could be there physically to help you, or do anything substantial, then I would. I don't know if I'd be much help, but I'd try.

You don't deserve to be homeless, and you absolutely deserve redemption. Having a difficult life doesn't make you a failure or a bad person. It's much more likely to reflect the society around you, to be honest, and that is not your fault.

I had hoped that if you needed medical support, you'd get more than that, but it seems like the referral program has really let you down. I suppose this is to be expected, as these things are slow and unhelpful most of the time, but it saddens me to hear it.

Please don't be hard on yourself. You have done good in life, even if it doesn't feel like it. Helping here alone means that you're a decent person. I'm especially sad to hear that you think you don't deserve redemption. I looked up the definition of 'redemption' and got two things:

1. 'the action of saving or being saved from sin, error or evil'

2. 'the action of gaining or regaining posession of something in exchange for payment, or clearing a debt'

So I feel like in all those senses, you deserve redemption. You're not an evil person any more than the rest of us, and no matter what mistakes you made in life, we all make mistakes, and you're not less deserving than anyone else. You have definitely suffered the evils of the world, and even if there isn't a chance of being removed from that, it's not your fault or something you need to be redeemed for.

As for the second definition, I can understand that you might want a lot of things back that you can't get back by any sort of 'payment', and I know that people in real life aren't rushing to help you out, but there are those who, if they were able, would help you out in any way they could. They're mostly on these forums, but they do exist, and I'm one of them. I wish you'd had an easier life. One thing that did jump out at me is that redemption can also be 'the action of saving', and by helping on these forums, that's what you've been doing. If you're helping others to find redemption, then there's no reason you couldn't find it yourself!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
4 hours ago, MarkintheDark said:

Hell, OF COURSE I deserve to be homeless.

Nope no one does, least of all you, you played by the rules that were given to you and they bit you, they seem to do that.

You had a life, a family (yes fur kids count, and they turn out better than most kids these days), and a home. You got sick, you could not get the help that was needed and like so many others lost everything.

4 hours ago, MarkintheDark said:

No one's around who's gonna help with, say, any packing.

no I guess no one will there are many of us that would like to but none are physically close enough.

 

4 hours ago, MarkintheDark said:

No one understands or cares how completely drained I am.

No we do not understand we are not you and can only guess and read what you have said, but we care - I just wish that was enough.

4 hours ago, MarkintheDark said:

I feel like I've completely failed myself and everyone else, that I'm beyond even deserving redemption.

Sorry just can't see how you failed... by catching a disease you didn't know was out there? By living longer than they thought you would? By sharing your life at least here and making such a big difference in our lives? People here have said you have saved their lives that seems like a big achievement to me (this is not a place were people are likely to lie about that). I cannot see how you need redemption - you have simply lived your life and tried to help others, I have never seen anything that says you have tried to hurt or harm others.

I have said this before but maybe if you hear it again it might stay for a minute - your honesty and truths here have made many of us look on our own lives and evaluate just were we are. You have fought and then fought some more (your body and sole is tried, and for this I cry). You were a trail blazer when it could have easily meant death to you - you are brave and have been mentally so strong.

I understand that you are tried, hurt, and full of despair - I can't change this (no matter how much I wish I could). I have advice I would like to share and I am keeping my mouth shut.

All I can finish with is that while I may not totally get how you  feel - I do have a bit of a clue of how tried you are - because I feel exhausted and I have not faced half of what you have, so I can only assume the weight there is close to unbearable. I do not want to see you enter into the never ending sleep, but I can understand why you feel the call so strongly and why it has such great allure.

Hugs Mark.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

@JD4010, @nojoy, @MargotMontage, @Tears_Always, et al...thank you for carrying me...b/c gawdknows I can't carry myself.  (I feel badly, too, I haven't been able to offer support to DF members lately.)

My late night musings - and, honestly, a wine cooler - have helped me keep somewhat calm.  Have an unusual photo opp (maybe two) tomorrow that, despite the showers in the forecast, I might use to get myself outside.

Jus' gonna ask you to again indulge me as I think out loud.  Got no one's ear to bend otherwise.  Although nothing's been said by my current landlord as of Friday - this guy's really being a saint - but I feel the personal pressure is on to make decisions and I feel they'll have to be made quickly...i.e., do I "commit" to that new lease, putting the move into motion, all its expenses and my exhaustion.  I ran all my figures and best I can hope for is two maybe three months' survival, maybe through February.  And the triplex with the owner in one unit is about as close as I'm gonna get to something even remotely acceptable.  He has no clue how sick I am.

Damn survival instinct.

otoh,  right now I'm in a perfect position to put an end to this and do it on a high note, relatively speaking.  Spot's in safe, quiet, familiar territory with neighbors, including canine buddies, who know and care about him (vs. an unknown sentence to kitty prison, unless a couple of these shelters can bypass it with an immediate foster for which there have been no takers).  What little funds I have I can leave to compensate my current landlord for his trouble, cover my simple cremation and other expenses my executor may incur.  I've made sure my will has specified them for use at his discretion.

Might as well note I've dropped ten lbs. in the past month and other symptoms are now causing me difficulties daily.  I can fake it for brief periods in public, but even a couple groceries late Friday were quite a performance.

Edited by MarkintheDark

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm a bit of a strange one @MarkintheDark and last night during my pre-bed meditation I tried to connect with you energetically to send you love and peace. I did my best to send you soothing thoughts.

I realise I could be imagining this (I admit I have no evidence that this works) but I felt I connected to your energy (or what i imagined it was).

I got the sensation of immense overwhelm and of the mind swinging rapidly between two opposing plans of action. The result was a jumble of confusion. There was a very big and heavy feeling of 'impenetrable stuckness'. It felt so big that even chinks of light and relief couldn't get in, no matter how I tried to push them in there. 

Am I close to getting it? 

I'm not surprised you feel dizzy or that you've lost weight if this is the case. I'm sorry to hear that the stress is exacerbating your health problems. I hope, at least that your sleeping is OK. 

I also hope you do manage to get out for some photography today and/or tomorrow, it seems like your only relief at this point. 

I don't know if you appreciate my contributions at the moment because I noted that my last two posts weren't liked (!) Regardless I am still concerned about you and wishing you well. I'll stop posting if this one isn't liked either. I don't want to be a bother. I'm a bit out there for some people and that's OK. 

Hope your day goes well today 🌞

Nightjar 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I try to be mindful of responses, but in my current frame of mind it can be difficult.  I think the "impenetrable stuckness" is a particularly apt description.

Found out this morning the photo opp wasn't gonna happen.  Though a disappointment - and it was nice to joke about with a couple friends on social media - it was nevertheless a relief I could go back to bed for a few hours, especially with a gentle rain having taken charge of the day.

Current landlord emailed middy wanting to know my plans.  I'm trying to compose something that essentially asks what latitude he can give me, again making the offer to compensate him for the privilege.  I'm living in that impenetrable stuckness I described in the last post.  Maybe I'll be able to function later today and accomplish smaller tasks. 

Hell, at least I ventured out to pick up a couple script refills and the lower GI problems have subsided.  In a nutshell, I'd have to say I'm hiding.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

×
×
  • Create New...