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hendricksbrock

how can I forgive myself? please

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I am desperately needing advice. I feel as though there is no where else for me to go right now I am trapped. I currently do not have a counselor. I am hopeless. My OCD makes me feel like the secret I am harboring is so dark that anyone who knows will hate me if I tell them. I am struggling with real event OCD and guilt OCD. I cannot get over something I did when I was 14-15. I CANNOT forgive myself. It keeps me up at night, I just can’t stop thinking about how terrible I am. And even when I tell myself I meant no harm when I did it, I tell myself that is no excuse, and I can never forgive myself for what I did. Should I? I’m in so much pain. I need relief. I’m also telling myself that when I try to get a career everyone will find out... they’ll all hate me, they’ll all know who I really am. And they will affirm what I fear being told. That I do not deserve to be here. Even though that’s not who I really am. I am not a bad person but I keep telling myself I am. I don’t know what to do, it’s all I can think about. My OCD tells me I don’t even deserve to live for what I did. It’s terrifying. I’m in such a dark place. I’m so unhappy and very very scared and so guilty but I can’t forgive myself. I need to move on but I don’t know how. 

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Hi hendricksbrock - I'm sorry you've been going thru this torture, particularly considering both your own health problems and those of your mom.

As someone noted in one of your earlier posts, at least you've the writing as an outlet and you're sharing it with us.  It probably doesn't feel like it's enough, but under the circumstances, imo, the fact you're doing it says quite a bit about the strength you have.  I'd also encourage you to go back and reread your "Exhausted" thread, if only to convince yourself you DO have better moments.

Like you, yes, night's can be the worst for me.  It's so quiet.  Personally, I'll distract myself with Netflix or something, just to survive moment to moment.  For me, that's the coping I use for the anxiety.  And, like you, I have something I did at that age for which I've always felt remorse.  Over time, my meds have helped with that, but not being OCD you'll have to take that with a grain of salt.

What struck me as most important at this hour was to let you know you're not alone, that someone's listening.

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20 hours ago, MarkintheDark said:

Hi hendricksbrock - I'm sorry you've been going thru this torture, particularly considering both your own health problems and those of your mom.

As someone noted in one of your earlier posts, at least you've the writing as an outlet and you're sharing it with us.  It probably doesn't feel like it's enough, but under the circumstances, imo, the fact you're doing it says quite a bit about the strength you have.  I'd also encourage you to go back and reread your "Exhausted" thread, if only to convince yourself you DO have better moments.

Like you, yes, night's can be the worst for me.  It's so quiet.  Personally, I'll distract myself with Netflix or something, just to survive moment to moment.  For me, that's the coping I use for the anxiety.  And, like you, I have something I did at that age for which I've always felt remorse.  Over time, my meds have helped with that, but not being OCD you'll have to take that with a grain of salt.

What struck me as most important at this hour was to let you know you're not alone, that someone's listening.

Thank you so much for this 🙂 it really helps to remind me I am not alone. Sometimes it’s hard because I feel like the entire world hates me and I have no place here. But you’re right, there are good moments and I’m going to try a little harder at night to distract myself. Again, thank you so much. It means the world to me. 

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Hi Henricksbrock, 

Your posts are very meaningful to me personally as I have experienced something similar in my life. 

You may not realize this, but your posts help me and so many others here on the Forums.  I've been around these Forums for many years and I can't tell you how many people have told me that posts like yours have not only helped them feel less isolated and alone with their suffering,  but have actually saved their lives.  So to me you are a hero.  What you have done here erases any mistakes you might have made earlier in your life.  I understand, though, that OCD can block your recognition of this.  I wish I knew how to help!  - epictetus

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On 6/19/2019 at 12:03 AM, Epictetus said:

 

Hi Henricksbrock, 

Your posts are very meaningful to me personally as I have experienced something similar in my life. 

You may not realize this, but your posts help me and so many others here on the Forums.  I've been around these Forums for many years and I can't tell you how many people have told me that posts like yours have not only helped them feel less isolated and alone with their suffering,  but have actually saved their lives.  So to me you are a hero.  What you have done here erases any mistakes you might have made earlier in your life.  I understand, though, that OCD can block your recognition of this.  I wish I knew how to help!  - epictetus

Thank you so much for this. I kept re-reading it and re-reading it. It meant so much to me 🙂 this helped me a lot and brought such a huge smile to my face, thank you for that. I’m glad to hear my posts are meaningful, it makes me feel happy in a way I cannot describe. Thank you, again. 

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Hendricksbrock,

There are two completely separate things that happened during my teenage years that tormented me for decades. These things I did were not horrific or criminal and in no way hurt any one else. They were the silly, definitely stupid actions, of a young girl who had always been held up to the standards of perfection. I never got caught. If I had been, except for a lot of humiliation as well as parental abuse, I'm not sure how much, if any, trouble I would have been in. Ever since then I have punished myself for over four decades for those two small events in my life. I've cried, lost sleep, wailed my deepest penances to God, and even beaten my fists against the floor in remorse. I simply could not forgive myself for these two transgressions. I was a good girl who wasn't supposed to do any shade of stupid or "bad" thing. Through the years of raising four children and as grandchildren began to bless my life, the pain of these "sins" grew worse. I felt like an imposter - marauding as the saintly president of the Academic Boosters, keeping the books as the treasurer of the Parent/Teacher Association, and planning Valentine parties for the second graders while I was harboring the black secret of my two crimes. One day, I couldn't handle the stress any more and decided it was time to come clean. Tilting my head forward, I let my long hair fall over my face so my best friend could not see my tears. Choking on my words I spilled out the terrible story of what I had done all those years ago. As I sat there expecting her to walk out in disgust, my ears heard laughter...lots and lots of giggles and laughter. I jerked my head up. She loved my "story." She did not think less of me, in fact she shared some of her "silly and stupid" acts of her youth. Of course she had never tormented herself over them as I had. We had an incredibly wonderful talk that afternoon about how we each view ourselves...about our need for self forgiveness and self care...about how we are willing to be gentle with others but won't show ourselves that same kindness. The talk we shared that day opened my eyes not only to how hard I had been treating myself for years over two insignificant, childish acts, but how hard I was on myself for a lot of things...including things I have no control over. I encourage you to practice more self care...to be more gentle with yourself...and to show yourself more kindness. 

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On 6/23/2019 at 4:38 PM, rainingviolets said:

Hendricksbrock,

There are two completely separate things that happened during my teenage years that tormented me for decades. These things I did were not horrific or criminal and in no way hurt any one else. They were the silly, definitely stupid actions, of a young girl who had always been held up to the standards of perfection. I never got caught. If I had been, except for a lot of humiliation as well as parental abuse, I'm not sure how much, if any, trouble I would have been in. Ever since then I have punished myself for over four decades for those two small events in my life. I've cried, lost sleep, wailed my deepest penances to God, and even beaten my fists against the floor in remorse. I simply could not forgive myself for these two transgressions. I was a good girl who wasn't supposed to do any shade of stupid or "bad" thing. Through the years of raising four children and as grandchildren began to bless my life, the pain of these "sins" grew worse. I felt like an imposter - marauding as the saintly president of the Academic Boosters, keeping the books as the treasurer of the Parent/Teacher Association, and planning Valentine parties for the second graders while I was harboring the black secret of my two crimes. One day, I couldn't handle the stress any more and decided it was time to come clean. Tilting my head forward, I let my long hair fall over my face so my best friend could not see my tears. Choking on my words I spilled out the terrible story of what I had done all those years ago. As I sat there expecting her to walk out in disgust, my ears heard laughter...lots and lots of giggles and laughter. I jerked my head up. She loved my "story." She did not think less of me, in fact she shared some of her "silly and stupid" acts of her youth. Of course she had never tormented herself over them as I had. We had an incredibly wonderful talk that afternoon about how we each view ourselves...about our need for self forgiveness and self care...about how we are willing to be gentle with others but won't show ourselves that same kindness. The talk we shared that day opened my eyes not only to how hard I had been treating myself for years over two insignificant, childish acts, but how hard I was on myself for a lot of things...including things I have no control over. I encourage you to practice more self care...to be more gentle with yourself...and to show yourself more kindness. 

Thank you so much for sharing this with me. It’s so beautifully written, and it feels like a weight has been lifted knowing I’m not alone. I’m going to try and keep reminding myself to be kinder to myself,  and also remember I am only human, and humans make mistakes. I remember the first time I ever remembered this specific memory of the mistake- I was 16, and my mom was out of town, I was wracking myself with grief! So I told my friends, asking for advice on what to do. They laughed at me and said they’d all done the same thing, and that I shouldn’t define myself by a mistake. That I should let it go! You’d think  years later I’d listen to them and remember what they said, but my OCD is always sniffing for a reason to make me feel guilty, afraid, or unsure of myself. Sometimes it’s hard for me to find logic when it comes to forgiving myself. Your post helped me feel a lot better, and reminded me of my friends words and that I need to forgive myself and move on! Thank you. 

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I've done dome terrible things in the past that I hate are a part of me.  I try to forgive myself because I wasn't well and my mind wasn't working normally.  We can only go forward and live our lives now as the best people we can be.

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