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Rattler6

I am too angry

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For the last 5 years I have been extremely angry.  I apparently do not have intermittent explosive disorder according to my therapist.  I have been carrying around a lot of anger at past experiences.  Being bullied, being raped, not being allowed to fight back.  Not being given a voice.  Angry is from feelings of impotency.  I have felt powerless and weak. 

I have had 2 good jobs over the last 1.5 years.  I was laid off from the first and have been at the second nearly a year.  I do not like my line of work.  I find it incredibly boring.  I have done some low level looking for another career field.  I have talked myself out of going in a direction as it is too expensive or I have been too hurt.  Cost and time are excuses.  Injuries are reasons. 

Those whom the gods wish to destroy, they first make angry.  As someone who studies martial arts I know not to make decisions when I am angry.  I have a saying:  "As your emotions increase, your actions decrease." 

I would not be surprised if my anger had pushed people away.  And that it is contributing to my loneliness. 

I have written that I have felt like the Primarch Angron from 40K (Yes, the Emperor was an idiot/jerk for not letting him die with his brothers and sisters).  Like Angron, I still want to die.  Unlike that poor bastard, I can.  I am tired of being dominated by my anger.  I want to use it constructively.  Not go down the path of extreme negativity that it can lead down. 

I listened to a video on youtube by Coach Red Pill titled Anger.  In it he talks about Luca Brasi from the Godfather novel being like a man running through the forest saying "**** me, **** me," but being too powerful to be killed.  And that is how I felt when I was younger.

I had to suppress a lot of emotions for a long time and I know I need to stay in control.  I want to vent in the proper manner. 

Right now I will breathe and go to work.  I will start looking for other things to do.  I will not be unwise and quit my job. 

I will act in a positive manner.  I will get this ****ing rage out in a smart way. 

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As a survivor of sexual abuse that went on for nearly a year from my school guidance counselor, I get some of what your saying about the lurking anger.  I couldn't realize it at the time as an adolescent, but it was also an assault on my masculinity, yes, even for a gay kid struggling with his sexuality.

I found the 1in6 site helpful when the effin' details during the Sandusky trial triggered me several years ago.  And the RAINN site, though I haven't delved into it, appears it might be useful.  At least some of my PTSD can be attributed to the abuse.

Let me ask, what does "venting in a proper manner" look like to you?

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I know how you feel believe me.  I was raped when I was 17 in a group home.  It went on the entire time I was there for 4 months.  I didn't tell anyone about it for probably 20 years because I knew nobody would care.  Also in my 30s I had memories come back to me about being abused as a child.  I'll never say the specifics about it because if the people that did it to me found out I remembered what happened they would **** me.

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3 hours ago, MarkintheDark said:

Let me ask, what does "venting in a proper manner" look like to you?

Drogo's speech.  Kidding.

I would start with slowing and deepening the breathe to slow the heart rate.  Realize that something has triggered me and that I should think as carefully as possibly before responding, as much as time permits.

Think logically about what is going on and where it can go.

Get out of there if you are going to explode.

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Posted (edited)

Hi Rattler,

It sounds like I suffer with the same thing you described. Anger is so powerful and it's designed to shut down higher brain function like communication, listening and reasoning. It's such a primal emotion that has no place in 21st century society with all of its laws, rules, regulations and procedures. It's always unwelcome, whatever the situation.Not much helps it. Like you said, focus on breathing and leave the room if you're able. Have you tried keeping a journal?  

Edited by Mark250

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Hi @Mark250,

Yeah today anger can get you in a lot of trouble.  Especially with a lot of the ***** laws that you have to follow.

I had a good session with my therapist today. Got more of my anger out.  Just need to keep working on it.  I have a lot of unresolved issues.  

From being abused to having a mother who was overly harsh and judgmental.  

I am feeling more grounded.  But I  need to get these old feelings out in a constructive manner.

I am attempting to use my anger constructively.  I asked my boss about a new certification to study for.  Found one.  I will get started soon.

Hopefully I will have the time to get back into martial arts soon.

Been pissed about my expenses these last 2 months but that shit needs to get paid.  

I am trying to be less judgmental of myself as my therapist told me that I got that from my mother.  

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Woke up pretty pissed off.  Watched a TNG episode to distract myself while I ate breakfast.  Then used my anger constructively to clean and get a workout in.  

I must be careful and have been when I get angry.  I have gotten better at using the chains of command or management to deal with people.  I think I got a guy transferred to another worksite after shouldering past me a few months back.  I am a geotechnical inspector and his action was not accepted and if he shouldered past a county inspector he could have been charged with a crime.  

I need to do more than what I am doing.  Going to study for another certification soon.  This last certification I earned changed my life.  It was hard to study as so much of my studies had got me so little.  And that probably should make me angry.  I spent a bunch of time in school for little.  

I graduated in 2014 and the market was already swamped with BS Geologists.  So my school pissed me off as they ****ing lied to me.   They said that the market was growing.  Then again the professors would have likely gotten in trouble if they told their students that the market was flooded with particular degrees. 

I have told younger guys and gals that college is no longer worth the expense.  

 

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Posted (edited)

I went for graphic design a 2 year degree. But no one told me you'd need to live in Atlanta, new york or a big city to get a job. What a waste. That was 17 years ago. Advertising always seemed like a fun job.

Edited by watalife

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3 hours ago, watalife said:

I went for graphic design a 2 year degree. But no one told me you'd need to live in Atlanta, new york or a big city to get a job. What a waste. That was 17 years ago. Advertising always seemed like a fun job.

Hope that you got a job and made beau coup money.

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Journaling.  I have been doing it on and off for years.  I looked back at old writings and realized how little my major problems had changed.

I should keep doing it though.  Makes me realize what I need to change and where to direct my energy.

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18 hours ago, Rattler6 said:

Journaling.  I have been doing it on and off for years.  I looked back at old writings and realized how little my major problems had changed.

A therapist told me that journaling would help with the depression. But when I showed him some of what I wrote about how I was feeling, he said that was not journaling.  go figure another thing I discovered I wasn't good at. The story of my life. But when I am really very angry, I still write about how I am feeling and the negative things I think and feel especially about the person or situation that caused the anger.

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3 minutes ago, nojoy said:

A therapist told me that journaling would help with the depression. But when I showed him some of what I wrote about how I was feeling, he said that was not journaling.  go figure another thing I discovered I wasn't good at. The story of my life. But when I am really very angry, I still write about how I am feeling and the negative things I think and feel especially about the person or situation that caused the anger.

That's a terrible therapist!  They are supposed to encourage you and make you feel better about yourself.  If it was me I would have pointed out how terrible he was at his job.

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At the next appt I told him I didn't think he could help me and there were other therapists out there. Of course it took me about 10 years before I felt comfortable or so deep in the depression hole of mine to find another therapist.

This one is good and has helped alot. Unfortunately, the medical doctor that stopped my meds caused a lot of what I'm going through now.

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Been making small daily changes.  I have been able to redirect my thoughts and energy a little better.

Did some yoga today and it helped.  

Keeping the things that seem to help though.

Planning on learning some new stuff for my field so I am more marketable.

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Absolutely livid today.  Really hating my life.  Hating my job, having to live at home, hating my mother (rightly so but her behavior has changed over recent years).

I want to change my name, move away and start a new life where no one knows me.  Thing is I suck at making new friends.  I was ready to do so a few times.  

The other thing is I hate contracts.  I hate the idea of having to stay somewhere and pay even if I choose to leave.  So that hate is perhaps working against me in some ways and making me smart in some ways.

I have mostly been in my town for 22 years.  With a couple spent away for work.

Pissing and moaning with impotent rage does not help.  

I will try to do things that will help. Because throwing things and smashing a bunch of shit is little more than a loss of self control.

I hate the cowardly country that I live in.  It is the home of a bunch of cretinous pussies not thre brave.  Well some of them.

Have to find a way out because I really do not care to melt down.

 

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I have been angrier than I should have been or maybe not over the weekend.  I had a melt down last night which pissed me off even more.  I was thinking about a lot of things that I have no control over.  I failed to shift my thoughts.  Which was stupid.  Then again I was not able to do that at that point in time.  I am so ****ing tired of this. 

This cycle never ends.  I am so sick of it.  I cannot seem to change and that saddens me.

 

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On 6/20/2019 at 10:08 PM, Rattler6 said:

I graduated in 2014 and the market was already swamped with BS Geologists.  So my school pissed me off as they ****ing lied to me.   They said that the market was growing.  Then again the professors would have likely gotten in trouble if they told their students that the market was flooded with particular degrees. 

I empathize...I have an MFA in theatre performance/directing, and it's the same deal...the schools don't care, they just want to graduate as many units as possible..

 

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1 hour ago, Rattler6 said:

I have been angrier than I should have been or maybe not over the weekend.  I had a melt down last night which pissed me off even more.  I was thinking about a lot of things that I have no control over.  I failed to shift my thoughts.  Which was stupid.  Then again I was not able to do that at that point in time.  I am so ****ing tired of this. 

This cycle never ends.  I am so sick of it.  I cannot seem to change and that saddens me.

 

At this point I'm angry all the time.  I'm a time bomb and have melt downs every day.  I'm always a pressure cooker about to boil over that expects people to make me mad the whole day.  I don't expect people to be good to me in any way.  The whole day I'm thinking I wonder who is going to try to mess up my life today.  I'm suspicious of every person I have to talk to that day!

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4 hours ago, sober4life said:

At this point I'm angry all the time.  I'm a time bomb and have melt downs every day.  I'm always a pressure cooker about to boil over that expects people to make me mad the whole day.  I don't expect people to be good to me in any way.  The whole day I'm thinking I wonder who is going to try to mess up my life today.  I'm suspicious of every person I have to talk to that day!

Thank you sober for making me feel not alone.  

Went to the therapist today and he said I was making a lot of self progress be being so thoughtful.  It felt pretty good to hear that.  

 

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My big frustrations are: career (which has greatly improved over the last 1.5 years), social and my internal challenges.

I have the career and financial stability to focus on my internal issues.  I have been focusing on that a lot over the last 8 months or so and have been progressing.

I would like to have a decent social circle.  I have been more social at work.  This last project I got along with everyone pretty well.  But this is going to sound wrong.  A lot of those guys engage in behaviors that I do jot conddone.

I see my not wanting children as greatly limiting my options with women.  I also cannot make promises.  And as a guy whom things seem to be looking up for.  I have so much to lose.

So I will continue pushing my boundaries and increasing my capabilities without burning myself out or being too bold.

I will pay better attention to my anger and use it constructively.  I will pay better attention to all of my emotions and better attention to my body.

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