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Coz

coming out to yourself

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how can i come out to anyone as being anything if i cant admit  to myself what i am? if i  don't even know what i am? am i a lesbian or am i bisexual?

honestly, i am afraid of being a lesbian. i'm afraid of the implications, what that would mean for me, how that would change my life. the things i would lose, the people i would hurt in the process, the lives that would be turned upside down. but then again, i am attracted to women. i have been since i was in preschool, before i even knew that the word lesbian existed. i know it as sure as i know that the sun will rise tomorrow, i've never denied it, its who i am. 

but i can't ever say 100% that i am not attracted to men. i just don't want to have sex with them. i don't know why that is, i never had a problem thinking of men in a sexual way but i cant help but feel disgusted by having a sexual relationship with a man. i have loved men in the past, felt the comfort and happiness that comes from being held by the person you love. they turn me on and i think i enjoy being kissed, or massaged but after that, i feel like throwing up.

i don't know how much of my attraction to men is based on this need to be "normal", because in earnest, i want to be bisexual. it gives me a way out. it means i never have to admit to liking women, i get to have my cake and eat it. but i'm so confused now, and its messing up my life. the more i try to accept that my attraction to men may be superficial, the more something inside me tries to keep screams that i am making a bad decision, that i will regret this, the more i keep putting myself in unhealthy relationships with men to try and prove that i am bisexual. its turning into a miserable cycle that i don't know how to break. 

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Coz,

I think you are a glorious human being.  Part of being human is that we are all a bunch of contradictions woven together.  I've yet to meet anyone who is not at some deep level, all mixed up.  We can only be ourselves. 

Although I am not you and would never want to trespass on the uniqueness of your life and experience,  I see parallels between your life and mine.  I wish I could offer you some advice, but my mind is empty.  The only thing I can think to say is:  be kind to yourself.  We deserve kindness not only when everything is going well, but also and perhaps even more when things are confusing and mixed up.  I'm really sorry I cannot be helpful here.  Hopefully others here will have more helpful words for you.  My heart goes out to you.

PS:  I see you are from Russia.  I visited Russia once and I treasure my experiences there.

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Coz

Here are somethings you are not.  You are not superficial.  You are not a fake.  You are not making decisions just to be "normal."   

Here are somethings you are.  You are authentic.  You are loving.  You are honest with yourself.  You are discerning about a significant issue.  

Be gentle with your confusion.  You can go slow and get to know yourself.  

I've been taught that for many of us our sexuality is more of a continuum than a strict this or that.   

Thanks for posting. 

Tim  

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Dear Coz, 

I hope you’re doing well. I know there’s a lot of pressure in our society right now to label who we are, and while that can be a good and comforting thing for some people, for others it can be very stressful. I know our situations are different and I don’t mean to compare, but I’ve struggled with my sexuality as well, and I sort’ve know how you feel. Don’t pressure yourself to put a label on who you are if you aren’t ready yet, and especially don’t rush into toxic relationships with men to prove a point to yourself. I’ve done the same, and the ending is always miserable, and I just end up more confused. You’re incredible and amazing just as you are, and know that for now. As for the being “normal,” I know what you mean. Society can make us feel like there isn’t a place for gay women but know that isn’t true- it’s the complete opposite. And as far as hurting the people you love and fearing the change it might bring, just do what feels right, safe and good for YOU for now. Sending much love. Know how strong, wanted, and wonderful you are. You deserve pure and unconditional love. Always. 

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