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Hi,

TLDR...Hi, my name is Amanda, and I have depression. It's really bad and I've had it for just about my whole life and the darkness just won't go away, no matter how much help/meds/hospitalizations I've had/tried. (3/3/1 btw).

I signed up awhile ago, but haven't really gotten the nerve to write. I've had depression as long as I can remember...at least since middle school. I'm 33 now, so a long time. I've been in a very, very dark place this past year. Thinking of dying is the most comforting thought I have. I'm so miserable and unhappy and I honestly don't think I ever remember a time in my life where I was happy. I don't trust anyone in my life. It isn't that I have a bad family. I don't think they understand. I don't really have friends, because I'm shy and awkward and anxious. There were times I trusted, and I got hurt. In highschool I tried to commit suicide and some friends found out and accused me of trying to get out of classes. In college, my best friend, the person I trusted with everything..he knew I had depression and he supported me. Until one day he didn't. I still have no clue what happened. One day he was there, the next he walked out of my life. I tried to get answers but he never responded. I was devastated. That same year, another friend of mine (a psychology student) accused me of trying to get attention by using depression as an excuse. How disturbing is that, that a psych student doesn't believe you? A year later, my boyfriend raped me. It took me six years to get past that, and then the new boyfriend cheated on me. I learned that trusting just gets you hurt. I'm married now, but I can't even talk to him about anything. I've tried, but he pushes it aside like it's nothing. I should have stayed single. 

I hate my life. I hate my marriage. I hate everything about me. I don't know who I am, I'm different around different people. I've learned to be what people want me to be, and it's been that way since I was a child. I have no passion, no talents, no dreams...I can't see a future. I honestly don't want a future. I've tried getting help...but that has never gone over well. Half the time I feel like I shouldn't be so miserable and depressed. Other people have been dealt hands a lot worse than me. I wasn't bullied. I remember times where certain people in my extended family said things to me about my appearance or my personality, but I'm not sure I ever really took those to heart. I'm not close to them anyway. I recently got a tattoo, the ONLY thing I've been excited about in the past year,and my husband wouldn't even look at me, like I disgusted him. I was so upset about this that I told my sister about it and now I'm pretty sure I have created a rift between her and my husband. 

Is it pathetic and sad that I want my husband to cheat on me?  I want him to leave me, because I don't have the strength to leave him. I don't love him. Not anymore. He has beaten me down, not physically, but emotionally and I'm exhausted. But i don't want to hurt him by leaving him. Am I pathetic or what? We don't have sex, which I'm really ok with, but I know it bothers him. I've been struggling with my identity and sex is a big issue with me, meaning I don't want it, I hate it, and I feel disgusting when I have it. Those nights are among the worst for me. I get this feeling of hopelessness and I feel like I'm just a tool to use. I've recently identified myself as asexual, since I've never enjoyed sex and I have no desires for it. I know this has been hard for me to deal with, being that I'm married and he expects sex. Nights just in general are the worst. i don't sleep well anymore and my husband thinks it's because we don't have sex. Nights are when I don't have anything to keep my mind occupied and it drifts off into the territory of...I wonder how much this would hurt or how fast this would work to end my miserable existence, among other ugly thoughts. 

I've written a lot, doing my best to condense it so it isn't too terribly long, and my journal is pages and pages and pages of things that I've written about (sadly, most of it is one big suicide note) and I don't want to subject people to that. I know this is an introductory thing.  I'm sorry if it's too dark or long. Sometimes I start writing and I struggle to stop writing. 

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I am new to this group, so hello Amanda. My name is Melissa. And reading your post hits home bc I have a lot of the same issues you have. I’m married but we’re more like roommates. I have no desire for sex at all and that causes a lot of problems in my marriage. I was raped and molested at an early age so I have a whole set of problems that stem from that. I lost my dad exactly 18 months ago today and I just don’t want to be here anymore. I lay down at night and wish I’d never wake up again. But I always do. I’m in a really dark place right now and I don’t know what to do. 

I just wanted to say hello and that you’re not alone. 

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Hello and welcome to the forums @cayllin. We're glad you found us and we hope you'll feel that you belong here.

Finding the strength to open up and share is never easy - not even anonymously, not even to strangers. Life doesn't always reward us for taking such chances so I want you to know that I think you're courageous for putting it out here in spite of your doubts. There was doubt that anyone would read it?  I did. Worry that it might be too long? It is exactly as long as it needed to be. 

5 hours ago, cayllin said:

Half the time I feel like I shouldn't be so miserable and depressed. Other people have been dealt hands a lot worse than me.

Me too. Every one of us who lives with depression has felt and thought what you wrote. Depression doesn't care who we are, what we've got or what we lack because it's an illness not a contest. I suspect you've told this to yourself but sometimes it's good to hear someone else say it. 

5 hours ago, cayllin said:

I recently got a tattoo, the ONLY thing I've been excited about in the past year

How interesting, what design did you get and does it have a particular meaning to you? How did you come to decide you wanted body art and was it difficult to overcome any doubts or worries?

6 hours ago, cayllin said:

I have no passion, no talents, no dreams

I disagree that you have no talents - you express yourself very well in writing, in my opinion. Perhaps there are other talents but depression distorts self-appraisal by devaluating and minimizing what is good while magnifying what is bad. 

Now that you've introduced yourself consider writing some more when you're ready to and we welcome your contributions in conversations started by others.

A peer support community exists to look out for each other. It relieves some of the isolation caused by debilitating conditions like depression. It is a place where you will be heard and understood because we're all struggling with symptoms of illnesses. And a place to give and receive compassion and care. Perhaps you will some value in that. 

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Hi and welcome to you as well, @Piratechic

I can see you've lived through traumas and I'm sorry to hear you're struggling. We want to support you, to offer you the understanding and care that you may not be getting enough of from people in your life. 

I want to tell you that reaching out to a new member as you did - to show compassion and to demonstrate your understanding - is a kindness. I think it is praiseworthy and indicative of the good and decent human being you are. :smile:

I'm glad you found us and I hope we'll hear more from you soon. 

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Welcome @cayllin and @Piratechic,

You will find many good people here who understand what you  are going through. Please keep sharing as much  as you feel comfortable. 

I understand about the not wanting sex. My ex did not understand that It was part of the depression and then a side effect of the meds. 

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cayllin

Thanks for posting.  And introducing yourself.  You've been through alot of experiences in which people have violated your trust.  I'm sorry you've experienced that.  Trust is one of the most important currencies in the world.  

Please be gentle with yourself.  And keep writing here. 

Tim 

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A warm welcome to Amanda and Melissa.

We all are glad you joined our forum family.

No matter how difficult the situation may be there is always something that will help to remedy the problem.

We are here to listen and help as best we can.

Keep posting your concerns and check out other posts.

You are not alone.

Oscar

 

 

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I also want to welcome you, Amanda and Melissa.  You both have been through a lot.  It is a great honor and privilege to meet you ! ! !

- epictetus

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Thank you for the welcomes. It does feel good that there are people who understand and are willing to listen. And hi, Melissa, I'm sorry you went through those things too. 

On 6/2/2019 at 2:53 AM, Atra said:

How interesting, what design did you get and does it have a particular meaning to you? How did you come to decide you wanted body art and was it difficult to overcome any doubts or worries?

This is my second tattoo. My first is a dragonfly I got to signify growth and new beginnings when I was 18. I got it with the intention that when I looked at it, it would be a symbol to myself that I could step out of my comfort zones and maybe make friends and maybe figure out what I want to do with my life and maybe find happiness and control my depression. I'm not so sure it worked haha, but I do love dragonflies so there's that too 🙂

When I met my husband, he said he hated tattoos but he could deal with the dragonfly because it was on my leg and not something he'd see all the time. This one I got on my forearm and it's very colorful. I'll post a picture. I want another one on my other forearm that's music related. The one I got last week is a book tattoo. Books are my escape. They keep my mind occupied and, maybe it's cliche, but transport me to different worlds. I wish I could be the characters in some of the books I read, or at least have a life like they do, find that kind of magical love they do. It's all fantasy, but I like being in that fantasy. I am a voracious reader 🙂 Anyway, I love tattoos and I find them a good form of expression. They don't hurt so much and I actually like the small amount of pain they cause because something beautiful comes out of it. 

https://www.depressionforums.org/forums/gallery/image/9587-my-new-tattoo/

 

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I just wanted to say welcome and am sorry your struggling I swear I could have wrote the very beginning of that so I totally understand  I really wish I hade a very good thing to say but I don’t I just hope you find the support you need here I just wanted you really know your strong for putting that out there I know it’s hard but in my opinion it helps a lot sorry just hit me I. A way because we are even the same age hope all the best for you

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How are you doing today, Amanda?  And how is everyone else doing who posted to this thread?  I am having an okay day myself [knock on wood]. 

- epictetus

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