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Maxx55

Trying to Help Only to Get Yelled At - why do I feel bad???

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Hello everyone.....

I have a friend? Girlfriend?? Ex-fiancé??? friend with benefits??? Not really sure what to call her. 

For the last ten or so years I’ve been helping out financially a lady. Every now and then she wanted something physical as well if you catch my drift.  

Part of the annoyance is if I have plans for a day, she might call or text and basically demand I drop whatever I am doing to help her.  

Today was such a day. She wanted quarters for laundry and for me to do the laundry for her. I brought her quarters but declined to do laundry because well, I have my own laundry to do. Plus she has a 16 yo son and 13 yo daughter. She claims that because her son was diagnosed with ADHD, that precludes him from working the wash. 

She’s having additional stress. She was hit by a car a year ago, broke her knee. Her knee is structurally sound but the nerves are all wacky so she’s going to have nerve ablation. On top of that she’s going to have a hysterectomy and one ovary removed next month. Last week she had her first mammogram ever and a few days later they called her to come back in for additional images.

 

i want to help but at the same time she treats me like I’m a wallet and not much else.   

Im at my wits end and I don’t know what to think anymore.

 

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I'm a paranoid person and don't really trust anyone but are you sure the things she is telling you are true or is she telling you stories to try to get money from you?

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2 hours ago, sober4life said:

I'm a paranoid person and don't really trust anyone but are you sure the things she is telling you are true or is she telling you stories to try to get money from you?

Good question, but yes I do believe her. I was/am supposed to take her to her follow up mammography appointment on Tuesday. I also saw her paperwork from her OB/GYN visit, so yes. I don't doubt her sincerity. 

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Posted (edited)

Hi Maxx -- I may be misreading it, but this is familiar territory I wandered a number of years ago.  It took me a few painful years and even a suicide attempt to break me free.  The sex was pretty good, but yeah, I was a wallet for him.

And there were complications since we ran in similar social circles.  Nevertheless, for my own sanity, I just had to cut him off.  I also had to ditch some of our mutual friends and make new ones.  tbh, too, he had a nasty, vengeful streak (keying my car, for one).  Fortunately I had the resources to keep him at arm's length.  Lucky I did.  A few years later the police showed up at my door looking for him b/c he'd been involved in a hit-and-run.  By that time he was long gone from my life and I'd recovered enough I didn't give a damn.

Short version from someone who's been there:  If you're at wits end and you're feeling used, the relationship is hurting you.  Probably in ways you can't recognize right now.  What happens if you just tell her "no"?

Edited by MarkintheDark

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7 hours ago, Maxx55 said:

Hello everyone.....

I have a friend? Girlfriend?? Ex-fiancé??? friend with benefits??? Not really sure what to call her. 

For the last ten or so years I’ve been helping out financially a lady. Every now and then she wanted something physical as well if you catch my drift.  

Part of the annoyance is if I have plans for a day, she might call or text and basically demand I drop whatever I am doing to help her.  

Today was such a day. She wanted quarters for laundry and for me to do the laundry for her. I brought her quarters but declined to do laundry because well, I have my own laundry to do. Plus she has a 16 yo son and 13 yo daughter. She claims that because her son was diagnosed with ADHD, that precludes him from working the wash. 

She’s having additional stress. She was hit by a car a year ago, broke her knee. Her knee is structurally sound but the nerves are all wacky so she’s going to have nerve ablation. On top of that she’s going to have a hysterectomy and one ovary removed next month. Last week she had her first mammogram ever and a few days later they called her to come back in for additional images.

 

i want to help but at the same time she treats me like I’m a wallet and not much else.   

Im at my wits end and I don’t know what to think anymore.

 

Hi there! It sounds like you're being used, which isn't healthy for you. It might be a good idea to tell her 'no', as MarkintheDark has suggested. Is she likely to give you trouble if you need a break? (She shouldn't be able to push you around and force you to do things, but you know your situation better than I do.)

Good luck, and remember, if somebody manipulates and uses you, they're not worth it!

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It's just makes me feel like a failure in meeting a significant other.....my wife left me, the one I've written about isn't treating me very kindly, only had two other girlfriends before that.......I have no children....only one parent living....no siblings.....Who's going to grow old with me? Who's going to take care of me when I no longer can? Who's going to visit me in my old age....if I make it to old age?? I've been on dating sites with minimal success....actually no success....it seems like this is my last chance. 

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5 minutes ago, Maxx55 said:

It's just makes me feel like a failure in meeting a significant other.....my wife left me, the one I've written about isn't treating me very kindly, only had two other girlfriends before that.......I have no children....only one parent living....no siblings.....Who's going to grow old with me? Who's going to take care of me when I no longer can? Who's going to visit me in my old age....if I make it to old age?? I've been on dating sites with minimal success....actually no success....it seems like this is my last chance. 

Hmmm, I see your point. Well, I understand if you don't want to leave, but what would concern me is that if she's with you for the wrong reasons, it won't be nice for you to grow old with her. Also, she might just stay with you until you can't provide what she wants and then leave. It may seem like there aren't any options out there, but don't give up on yourself! You should have better than her.

Ultimately, it's your decision and yours alone, but you sound like a good, considerate person, and should definitely find someone who isn't there to take advantage of you.

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Hello all.....earlier today I received several text messages from the ex......I did not respond. Felt really low...I reached out to the suicidepreventionlifeline.org chat line and chatted with a counselor. Feelings of not being good enough etc. 

Thinking that I am going to seek out a counselor. 

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Do not be afraid to get acquainted on the Internet and then tell everyone about it. After a few disapproving glances, half of the friends (maybe even your mother) will also install an *link removed* app. Moreover, it is an unlimited space for jokes. If someone asks where you met, you can answer: 'At the races' or 'In a line for Timati’s burgers.' In any case, such things should not be doubted, remain yourself.

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Posted (edited)
On 5/19/2019 at 2:14 PM, Maxx55 said:

Hello everyone.....

I have a friend? Girlfriend?? Ex-fiancé??? friend with benefits??? Not really sure what to call her. 

For the last ten or so years I’ve been helping out financially a lady. Every now and then she wanted something physical as well if you catch my drift.  

Part of the annoyance is if I have plans for a day, she might call or text and basically demand I drop whatever I am doing to help her.  

Today was such a day. She wanted quarters for laundry and for me to do the laundry for her. I brought her quarters but declined to do laundry because well, I have my own laundry to do. Plus she has a 16 yo son and 13 yo daughter. She claims that because her son was diagnosed with ADHD, that precludes him from working the wash. 

She’s having additional stress. She was hit by a car a year ago, broke her knee. Her knee is structurally sound but the nerves are all wacky so she’s going to have nerve ablation. On top of that she’s going to have a hysterectomy and one ovary removed next month. Last week she had her first mammogram ever and a few days later they called her to come back in for additional images.

 

i want to help but at the same time she treats me like I’m a wallet and not much else.   

Im at my wits end and I don’t know what to think anymore.

 

Hi @Maxx55,

@MargotMontage is probably right.  It sounds like this lady is using you.  Especially since she has children.  I would discount her touch as anything other than buttering you up.  If she was already had children and if she did not want to have a child with you then I would not count her as a fiance.  I would forget about her.  Doubly forget her if her children were born outside of wedlock. 

Her first mammogram ever?  It does not sound like she takes care of herself.  I am assuming that she is in her late 20s at least.  She does not sound very responsible. 

Just because her son has AD/HD that does not prevent him from working.  He just needs to learn concentration and some discipline. 

Edited by Rattler6

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On 5/21/2019 at 5:33 PM, Maxx55 said:

Hello all.....earlier today I received several text messages from the ex......I did not respond. Felt really low...I reached out to the suicidepreventionlifeline.org chat line and chatted with a counselor. Feelings of not being good enough etc. 

Thinking that I am going to seek out a counselor. 

It's sad that you feel you're not good enough, but it's good that you want to talk about it to someone. You definitely aren't a 'loser' in any way; a real 'loser' wouldn't do what you're doing for this woman. Even if you felt you were getting something out of the relationship, you were on the losing side, and you could do so much better, (in my opinion.) I think talking to a counselor is definitely a great idea, especially if you can hold off on medication, (or, if you take it already, holding off on additional medication.) It's more proactive and based around making your life better than just putting a band aid on it.

It's true what Rattler6 says: while ADHD can create challenges, it doesn't, on its own, make work impossible. I have known a couple of people with ADHD, and they were able to overcome it and hold down good jobs, (impressive in itself in the current economy!). This isn't belittling the ADHD experience in any way. It simply means that this shouldn't be used to make you feel guilty. (Sure, lots of people, with or without ADHD, struggle to get work these days, but it shouldn't influence what this woman is guilt-tripping you into giving her and doing for her.)

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Hi everyone....

Its been a little bit since my last post. I checked myself into the mental health services of my hospital and I was inpatient care.  

Things came to a boiling point and I lashed out, verbally. I felt extremely saddened by all of my failures whether real or imagined. It just came out....my work, any meaningful relationship with a girl.

Just seemed like no matter what I do...,it’s never good enough. It’s like BB King’s song “How Blue can you Get?

“I gave you a brand new Ford, you said 'I want a Cadillac'
I bought you a ten dollar dinner, you said 'Thanks for the snack'
I let you live in my penthouse, you said it was just a shack”

I’m seeing a therapist now....fingers crossed.  

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On 5/19/2019 at 10:18 PM, Maxx55 said:

Who's going to grow old with me? Who's going to take care of me when I no longer can? Who's going to visit me in my old age..

I don't know the answers. And depression or anxiety doesnt either- but, both speak as if they can somehow see into the future. But they are merely misfortune-tellers who you can choose to ignore or refute with facts. 

One fact is you can make a future that consists of better possibilities. Perhaps you've begun crafting a future that's different from your past by diving into therapy. Also, by participating here among peers who're on journeys themselves. We can't know the full impact yet but we can feel that they are good decisions. 

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Posted (edited)

Hello everyone. I am feeling down at the moment so some of what I am going to write might make sense. It's been about a week and a half since my last posting.

My lady/significant other (whatever term you care to use) had her knee ablation procedure and seems happier because of it. The day of and day after that procedure she sent me a text and was very polite to me when she asked for help, including please and thank you. No money or anything, just to help her around the house. Because of the pain medication she was given she was more or less sedated because of it. So I helped out with laundry, made dinner, made sure the kids behaved and that they took their baths, brushed their teeth and then made sure they went to bed all while their mom slept. 

Tomorrow she is having her hysterectomy. I don't know why, but I am scared for her and she did admit that she's a little nervous about it. When I asked she said of the lifting  restrictions, the pain, and that she might feel less that a woman because she won't have her plumbing anymore. She told me that I could visit her at the hospital if I wanted to. Part of me wants to go, part of me doesn't. She said her mom & dad are going to be there and she said she would call or text me since she doesn't want me to be around her parents....I don't know why....they know me...a little. 

I looked up codependent online and I saw some descriptions that apply to me. 

  • intense and unstable interpersonal relationships
  • chronic feelings of boredom and emptiness
  • subordinating one's own needs to those of the person with whom one is involved
  • overwhelming desire for acceptance and affection
  • perfectionism
  • low self-worth

 

Thank you for letting me ramble. 

 

Oh and to top it off, it's Father's Day....unfortunately I am not a dad..but want to be. 

 

Edited by Maxx55

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