Children of narcs refuge.

[sober4life]

11 hours ago, Nightjar said:

Agreed. I have this thought very often. 

I was top of the class throughout my school years in every subject. 

And what happens to me? I have no job throughout most of my adult life because I am crushed by low self esteem, depression and anxiety  

I should be a freaking millionaire by now

I have that same exact story.  

[Kogent5]

In high school, only 2 of us passed the AP exam in grade 12. My friend became a doctor and I became...nothing.

Awards and scholarships don't mean anything when you have zero confidence and messed up coping mechanisms. Living in the real world feels impossible. At this point I'm sure I'd be more useful as pig feed.

I rebuild my life bit by bit, then something catastrophic happens to my family and everything comes unglued. I don't see the point in life when the cycle is endless.

[Nightjar]

@Kogent5

I get it. My life has been unglued a thousand times in my adulthood. I've moved about 20 times in the time most people would move once

My life has certainly been unstable. I put myself in unstable relationships and situations because I didn't know any better. 

I'm on my own now and it's probably been the most stable I've been in some respects but I've still got a ways to go to get out from under the thumb of my family. 

With my history, I'm simply proud of how far I've managed to come, even if it falls short of society's standard of success. 

Any independence I've gained has been an absolute miracle. I'm hoping that in my older years I can become more useful to society I have to start working ASAP otherwise I won't have enough credits for a pension for my old age

[sober4life]

I can't imagine going to a class reunion.  You've been gone for 23 years surely you've done something right anything they would say.  No not really.  The average person could show up to a reunion naked or on fire and things would go over better.

[chumly]

I am so happy that there is a thread about this on here. It feels like I really came to the right place to discuss my situation!!  ...but unfortunately I’m not that good with computer/ tech stuff...lol... so with that said, can someone post a link to the very beginning of this thread. I would like to make sure I read it from the beginning.
 

Also, is there a good checklist I can use or a good way for me to determine if my mom is an actual narcissist? I’m pretty sure she would qualify but I was told that a person has to have a certain number of traits to be considered a true narcissist. 
 

Thanks so much in advance

[sober4life]

I wouldn't go down the road of checklists.  If you believe there is a problem than there is.  I guess there are 10 different personality disorders wow.  People with the disorders can be very charming.  Getting an exact diagnosis is unlikely.  If you think there is a problem in life than there is is the best way to go in life I think.

[Nightjar]

6 hours ago, chumly said:

can someone post a link to the very beginning of this thread. I would like to make sure I read it from the beginning.

I'm not sure I can post a link but if you scroll up to the top of this page and click on the arrows to the left like this << that should take you right to the beginning

[Nightjar]

6 hours ago, chumly said:

Also, is there a good checklist I can use

I find just googling the word narcissist to bring up lot and lots of lists you can check to see if your mom is a narcissist. 

It can be very helpful I think to use a list to clarify the personality traits you find distressing. Narcissism can leave us feeling very unsure of ourselves and our judgement. 

Seeing their characteristics in black and white helps to make sense of things and strengthens our sense of sanity. 

Edited November 2, 2020 by Nightjar

[Kogent5]

DSM-5 will have the official diagnosis criteria for narcissistic personality disorder. Do you need an official diagnosis? Nah. A video that really struck me is on youtube called: "Why do you feel it so important to know they are definitely a narcissist?"

I find Youtube videos from DoctorRamani have been really helpful in understanding narcissism. She is really empathetic and knowledgeable about narcs, which is not common in therapists. The Little Shaman is another good channel as well.

Edited November 2, 2020 by Kogent5

[Bulgakov]

Just now, Nightjar said:

I find just googling the word narcissist to bring up lot and lots of lists you can check to see if your mom is a narcissist. 

First couple of times I saw this thread, before I looked around a bit, I assumed that your parents had been narcotics agents, as that's the only way I'd seen the word shortened before.  And I just thought it was an odd situation, but it sounded like it could be stressful. 

Bulgakov

Edited November 3, 2020 by Bulgakov

[chumly]

23 hours ago, sober4life said:

I wouldn't go down the road of checklists.  If you believe there is a problem than there is.  I guess there are 10 different personality disorders wow.  People with the disorders can be very charming.  Getting an exact diagnosis is unlikely.  If you think there is a problem in life than there is is the best way to go in life I think.

Thanks so much. That makes sense

[chumly]

19 hours ago, Nightjar said:

I'm not sure I can post a link but if you scroll up to the top of this page and click on the arrows to the left like this << that should take you right to the beginning

Okay...great and thanks !! 

[chumly]

18 hours ago, Nightjar said:

I find just googling the word narcissist to bring up lot and lots of lists you can check to see if your mom is a narcissist. 

It can be very helpful I think to use a list to clarify the personality traits you find distressing. Narcissism can leave us feeling very unsure of ourselves and our judgement. 

Seeing their characteristics in black and white helps to make sense of things and strengthens our sense of sanity. 

Okay...great suggestion and thanks again!

[chumly]

14 hours ago, Kogent5 said:

DSM-5 will have the official diagnosis criteria for narcissistic personality disorder. Do you need an official diagnosis? Nah. A video that really struck me is on youtube called: "Why do you feel it so important to know they are definitely a narcissist?"

I find Youtube videos from DoctorRamani have been really helpful in understanding narcissism. She is really empathetic and knowledgeable about narcs, which is not common in therapists. The Little Shaman is another good channel as well.

Thanks so much for the great advice and suggestions as well...

[chumly]

Does anybody ever wonder how much better their life would have been if they did not have such a toxic parent (or parents)? 

Or do you sometimes wonder why you are not more screwed up than you are? 

I feel like I should have been worse than I am after having had such an awful mom and dad I am not totally sure how to account for it. Of course I do have many problems but I dont think I wound up as bad as I could have been considering my situation BUT I do wonder how much better life would have been for me if I had healthy parents. Can anybody relate? 

Thanks:)

[chumly]

..By the way, I really love this forum. I have always received the best advice from here.  I am just curious if there is anyway that I can look up and see if I ever donated to this forum? It is something I always wanted to do and I seem to recall doing so but I am not totally sure. Is there a way I can look that up?

Thanks:)

[Nightjar]

51 minutes ago, chumly said:

Does anybody ever wonder how much better their life would have been if they did not have such a toxic parent (or parents)? 

Yes, I've often wondered this. I'm 100% sure that I would be a far more confident person if I had supportive parents and 90% sure that I would have my own family and a decent job to boot. I have none of the above

But saying that, it is what it is. It couldn't have been otherwise and my upbringing has made me who I am, warts and all

I've been through a lot and it's made me a compassionate person for the most part. I've also had to deal with things alone so you could say I'm more self sufficient than most too

I also have an honorary degree in psychology on account of having a narcissist as a parent

[Nightjar]

55 minutes ago, chumly said:

..By the way, I really love this forum. I have always received the best advice from here.  I am just curious if there is anyway that I can look up and see if I ever donated to this forum? It is something I always wanted to do and I seem to recall doing so but I am not totally sure. Is there a way I can look that up?

Thanks:)

I think the only person who would have a clue about that would be a moderator. You can email them personally. If anyone knows the best person to email about this, please let us know

 

[Nightjar]

I am so grateful for this place to unburden myself. 

I had a pretty horrible visit with narc mom today. I don't feel the relief today of having been there and coming away,  I just feel stressed. 

These are the things which stressed me out. 

1.She was banging on and on about money and lording it over me, by dangling money/gifts in front of me. 

2.She did her best to overfeed me to make sure she wins the skinny prize by being the thinnest in the family. 

3. She got a few backhanded compliments in for good measure making me feel like sh*t but what really got to me was when....

4. I expressed an opinion (silly me) and had it completely invalidated. I forgot I wasn't allowed a personality and paid the price

I've come away feeling violated. 

Edited November 9, 2020 by Nightjar

[sober4life]

I know what you mean when a family expects you to be skinny but tries to overfeed you with your favorite foods.  They can play both sides.  What a life!

[watalife]

Did someone say my name? 

[Nightjar]

I feel stupid banging on and on about the same thing and going back to her and banging my head against a brick wall. 

[Kogent5]

2 hours ago, chumly said:

Does anybody ever wonder how much better their life would have been if they did not have such a toxic parent (or parents)? 

Or do you sometimes wonder why you are not more screwed up than you are? 

I feel like I should have been worse than I am after having had such an awful mom and dad I am not totally sure how to account for it. Of course I do have many problems but I dont think I wound up as bad as I could have been considering my situation BUT I do wonder how much better life would have been for me if I had healthy parents. Can anybody relate? 

Thanks:)

I had an older cousin come live with us for 2 years after she immigrated. Interacting with normal, healthy family on a daily basis was very important to me.

I have a bit of a different story here where my parents weren't narcs, my brother was. Unfortunately, both my parents were completely overwhelmed by him and he continues to rule over my family to this day. It's f-ing weird. My dad will not make any decisions unless it's okay with my brother.

I want that vaccine right now. Inject it into my forehead. I am done living with my family.

[jkd_sd]

56 minutes ago, Nightjar said:

I feel stupid banging on and on about the same thing and going back to her and banging my head against a brick wall. 

Don't be so hard on yourself.  

Being coldly analytical, you have the same three choices as anyone would in that situation.   #1. Completely eliminate her from your life, 100%.  #2. Join her game, which means playing by her rules.  ...or...  #3. Try to strike a (preferable healthy) balance between the first two choices.

 You seem to be working with choice #3.  That is admirable ... and difficult.  Unfortunately, it is not humanly possible to get it right every time.  So, you end up dealing with the same 'stuff' again and again.  So, you have the same 'baggage' to bring here repeatedly.  That is understandable.  I do not hear anyone here complaining about it.  Give yourself a break.     

[Nightjar]

1 hour ago, jkd_sd said:

Don't be so hard on yourself.  

Being coldly analytical, you have the same three choices as anyone would in that situation.   #1. Completely eliminate her from your life, 100%.  #2. Join her game, which means playing by her rules.  ...or...  #3. Try to strike a (preferable healthy) balance between the first two choices.

 You seem to be working with choice #3.  That is admirable ... and difficult.  Unfortunately, it is not humanly possible to get it right every time.  So, you end up dealing with the same 'stuff' again and again.  So, you have the same 'baggage' to bring here repeatedly.  That is understandable.  I do not hear anyone here complaining about it.  Give yourself a break.     

Thanks jkd. That's reassuring and really great advice

You know the story by now. I dream of no contact and freedom but so far have not managed to completely extricate myself because of guilt, grief, financial and family complications. 

I think deep down I want lots and lots of space away from her but would ideally still have (very) low contact. It's very difficult when she asks daily for my time. It's stressful to be constantly making excuses to keep the peace It's stressful having so many bids for my attention full stop. As I'm sure you know, I feel very harassed. When I had a land-line it would ring and ring and I would never answer. It was always her and she has always harassed me. Restraining orders have crossed my mind but I wouldn't go there. 

Managing to get a job would make me stronger and help me to avoid the financial abuse. I'm just hoping to work on it after I've moved away, if I can manage to do that. All I can say is that the process of doing that will certainly make me stronger. It will be a miracle and feel bloody amazing

Thanks for listening