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Nightjar

Children of narcs refuge.

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Ooh, things is rough again. 

I'm struggling a bit with my SAD which comes around this time of year and makes me feel vulnerable. I'm less able to shrug off the blatant disrespect and insults coming my way from narc mom. 

Yesterday she was up to her old trick of telling everyone I'm mentally ill because I'm not responding to her 7 texts and multiple phone calls I receive every day.

Yes, I do get depressed etc but I don't share that with her or other family members. It's completely twisted to start telling everyone I'm mentally ill just because I'm not speaking to her.

I'm not suddenly having a crisis and not coping which is the message she puts across to anyone who will listen. I am coping. I'm just not speaking to her. Sometimes I don't want to speak to the others either. Then god help me, she'll send a freaking doctor round...or at least threaten to. All because she is aware of issues I've had in the past and will use them against me. Forever it seems. 

I'm not responding to her texts and calls because I feel harassed and we are not best friends. The other day in town with her I had new clothes on and had made an effort to look smart and so all day long she kept referring to my clothes and asking "Are they from a charity shop?" And giving me things to 'help' my skin which looked fine by the way. It felt awful because I was really trying to improve myself and feel better around people. NM nixed it.

I'm outta here next year.  I'm moving away and that's it. I'm gonna get a job and save to help me go.

Ha! I played a little trick of my own on her yesterday. I didn't look at her or react directly to her claims that I am not right in the head when she said that in front of my sister because NM would just feed on that and use it as evidence that I am mad.  In the middle of a completely different conversation I just stated very clearly "Twisted mother****er" to the air. She said "Who?" "Who are you talking about?" "Oh nothing, " I said, "That just popped out" "Just words." 😆

Funny I didn't get a good night text last night 😉

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The way she treated you when you were out was ridiculous!  What you're going through pulling away is the risk we have to take.  Everyone is asking her where's your daughter?  Why doesn't she come around anymore?  She can't let people think there is something wrong with her so she has to blame someone.  They can never take responsibility for anything.  It's like that talk show I watched about a man that abused his baby.  He even blamed the 2 cats living with them.  He had the nerve to say the 2 cats pushed over the baby's crib.  That's how it is though.  If there is anything or anyone else around they had to have been the one to do it because they can't take the blame.

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Family is coming by soon to check up on me.  Part of me is thinking ha they don't have anything to use this time.  Everything is in perfect order.  The other part is saying I can't believe this is my life.  Knowing they are coming by I have to have my house perfectly clean like I'm getting ready for a landlord to show up for an inspection.  

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3 hours ago, sober4life said:

They can never take responsibility for anything.  It's like that talk show I watched about a man that abused his baby.  He even blamed the 2 cats living with them.  He had the nerve to say the 2 cats pushed over the baby's crib.  That's how it is though.  If there is anything or anyone else around they had to have been the one to do it because they can't take the blame.

Yup. They are like children..and we, the ones damaged by their childishness and cruelty are labelled as 'damaged goods'. 

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3 hours ago, sober4life said:

Family is coming by soon to check up on me.  Part of me is thinking ha they don't have anything to use this time.  Everything is in perfect order.  The other part is saying I can't believe this is my life.  Knowing they are coming by I have to have my house perfectly clean like I'm getting ready for a landlord to show up for an inspection.  

I've done this so many times. TBH,  I don't care so much any more. They can't lock me up for not doing the dishes! The wards are far too full for a start!! Besides, I enjoyed my stay in the crazy house. It was hilarious! 

Edited by Nightjar

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6 hours ago, Nightjar said:

I've done this so many times. TBH,  I don't care so much any more. They can't lock me up for not doing the dishes! The wards are far too full for a start!! Besides, I enjoyed my stay in the crazy house. It was hilarious! 

It's not just about the dishes.  We are both trying to survive alone in this world with a mental health diagnosis.  The people around us have to believe we can do this on our own so why give them anything?  I've spent years of my life in the crazy house and I'm not going to spend one more second there.

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9 hours ago, sober4life said:

  I've spent years of my life in the crazy house and I'm not going to spend one more second there.

I genuinely don't think that's going to happen again for either if us. It's just fear of it that hangs over us and the twisted people who use it against us and encourage that fear :console:

We have years of recovery under our belts....OK we're not happy, but we're not critically ill either. Also, I think at this point in our lives it would be up to us to volunteer to do that. I genuinely don't think that family would have that kind of power over us now. 

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I have to question the motives of any family member who treats us like we can't care for ourselves - simply because of a diagnosis and their own disagreement with how we behave, or how we choose to live our lives. I believe that empowering persons coping with mental health conditions creates opportunity. Actions that undercut self-esteem and self-directed care creates limits on recovery.

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On 11/13/2019 at 7:24 PM, sober4life said:

They just want me out of the way.  I'm a loose end that they want tied up as soon as possible.  Not in a million years did they think I would do as well as I have and keep it together this long.

Reminds me of the quote, "Don't give up. You still have a couple of mother****ers to prove wrong."

(And when I tell myself this? The irony in it is that one of those mother****ers might actually be me). :nod:

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Yes I have been proving myself wrong.  I have to be stronger than even I believe to get through this.  The truth is I'm not well enough to do this on my own but I can't let them know that.  The moment they realize I'm in over my head it's over.

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4 hours ago, sober4life said:

The truth is I'm not well enough to do this on my own but I can't let them know that. 

I understand this. People aren't built to manage alone. We need each other to be well. But when we have a mental health diagnosis we have to pretend otherwise lest we start the tongues wagging that we are 'ill' again. 

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Haven't spoken to NM since I last posted on this thread. It's been a couple weeks I think. She's gone into hospital today. It was unexpected but she has multiple health problems and has been in and out of hospital for the last 20 years. 

Normally, like last time,  I would go in straight away and be there with NM and sis while she gets checked in and assessed etc (it takes forever) but this time I got the news and nothing in me wanted any part of it.

Yes, I feel sad and worried but I know my sister is there and the fact is I don't want to be. I imagine I'll have a tonne of guilt if anything happens this time but it's so complicated. I've been blamed by her and other family members in the past for her illnesses. They have said the stress of our damaged relationship makes her ill. What they don't acknowledge is that she is the cause of the strain in the relationship and has essentially been abusing me my whole life.

I've also had enough of pouring my time and effort into her issues and getting abuse in return. Yes, I love her but she is damaging to me in every way. I never had the vocabulary to explain this when I was younger, I didn't understand it completely but I do now. 

My sister is probably going to be super pissed with me for not going in there today and I think if it did come to the worst she could potentially become vengeful very quickly. Death brings out the worst in everyone as far as I can tell. Obvs I don't know if this will happen but there's always a chance. She had come close times. Thee thought of that has been hanging over me, worrying me and guilt inducing for the last 20 years. It's horrible.

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I'm sorry you find yourself in this pull/push situation.  Though there are some differences in our experiences, I can understand the conflicting emotions.

I think the first item that comes to mind is that your sister is present with the NM.  The second is that you're doing what you need to do to take care of yourself, regardless of what family thinks.  And, for that matter, it's sounded like their incapable of even being cognizant of what you've experienced.  But NM is certainly not being left without any support...frankly, the kind of support YOU'VE needed yourself.

You may have seen this coming, but I'll draw a parallel with my birthmother.  She gradually laid more and more on me - handyman, therapist, nurse, legal and financial "fixer" - until it put ME in the hospital last year.  Even then, neither she nor her "church ladies" could respect that I needed time to medically recover.  They continued to press me to take care of things (essentially b/c, many times, they were simply incompetent).  My one month recovery turned into two.  Even when I was finally able to put her in assisted living, no one even offered to help me close out her apartment.

Since then, I've had no contact with her...and that's for MY mental health, or what very little is left of it.  I've made certain her basics are automatically set up to be addressed, even if I become incapacitated myself.  But I refuse to put myself in a position where she might start to expect something like a weekly visit, cards, etc.  I've likely been railed for ignoring her 90th, Thanksgiving, etc.  You know from another thread that, hell, right now I can barely manage my own life.  She's certainly receiving A LOT more support than I am...and I'll point out that's precisely b/c of MY efforts.  Of course, the ever-critical, ignorant, shallow church ladies aren't pleased.  But, honestly, I just reached the point where I'd done my "job" and didn't care any more.

To be blunt, imo, it's ok just not to give a damn.  You've been through enough.

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7 hours ago, MarkintheDark said:

  But NM is certainly not being left without any support...frankly, the kind of support YOU'VE needed yourself.

This is true. NM is surrounded by 'helpers' or 'fans' as I sometimes called them and I have next to noone. Still, it's hard for me to accept help, I have no experience of it. It's also difficult for me to accept that I deserve help. It's difficult for me to be around people at all at the moment but I'm trying. 

 

7 hours ago, MarkintheDark said:

Since then, I've had no contact with her..

I feel relieved on your behalf! But I understand the nature of trauma and realise that it feels more like this  😧

than this 😥

7 hours ago, MarkintheDark said:

I've likely been railed for ignoring her 90th, Thanksgiving, etc. 

You have my utmost respect and support in this.

 

7 hours ago, MarkintheDark said:

To be blunt, imo, it's ok just not to give a damn.  You've been through enough.

Ugh, I wanna believe this. I definitely feel like I've been through enough. I've been so traumatised in life so far that I couldn't even have my own baby (meaning I've never allowed myself to get pregnant) and now I'm very alone with no family of my own. I don't know if I can blame it all on NM but a huge chunk of my life has been destroyed by her abuse.

 

Edited by Nightjar

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Had a little victory for those of you who recall my story about my airport lead throwing me under the bus in front of our group a couple years ago.  I called him out, made a public stink, quit, and we hadn't crossed paths since.  (Suppose it helped that a few of my friends in the months following weren't shy about sharing their opinion of him, some to his face, and his presence became scarce.)

Our paths did finally cross yesterday at a sunset shoot.  A couple other friends were around.  We chatted and laughed while the narcissist just kinda stayed off to himself.  Normally, he'd have been making himself the center of attention.  I think I caught a glare from him, but I wasn't particularly paying attention.

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On 11/11/2019 at 9:20 PM, Nightjar said:

Ooh, things is rough again. 

I'm struggling a bit with my SAD which comes around this time of year and makes me feel vulnerable. I'm less able to shrug off the blatant disrespect and insults coming my way from narc mom. 

Yesterday she was up to her old trick of telling everyone I'm mentally ill because I'm not responding to her 7 texts and multiple phone calls I receive every day.

Yes, I do get depressed etc but I don't share that with her or other family members. It's completely twisted to start telling everyone I'm mentally ill just because I'm not speaking to her.

I'm not suddenly having a crisis and not coping which is the message she puts across to anyone who will listen. I am coping. I'm just not speaking to her. Sometimes I don't want to speak to the others either. Then god help me, she'll send a freaking doctor round...or at least threaten to. All because she is aware of issues I've had in the past and will use them against me. Forever it seems. 

I'm not responding to her texts and calls because I feel harassed and we are not best friends. The other day in town with her I had new clothes on and had made an effort to look smart and so all day long she kept referring to my clothes and asking "Are they from a charity shop?" And giving me things to 'help' my skin which looked fine by the way. It felt awful because I was really trying to improve myself and feel better around people. NM nixed it.

I'm outta here next year.  I'm moving away and that's it. I'm gonna get a job and save to help me go.

Ha! I played a little trick of my own on her yesterday. I didn't look at her or react directly to her claims that I am not right in the head when she said that in front of my sister because NM would just feed on that and use it as evidence that I am mad.  In the middle of a completely different conversation I just stated very clearly "Twisted mother****er" to the air. She said "Who?" "Who are you talking about?" "Oh nothing, " I said, "That just popped out" "Just words." 😆

Funny I didn't get a good night text last night 😉

Woah, your mom's out of line. I mean, ok, my mom has also started referring to my diagnosis to make me feel inferioir and humiliate me, but she doesn't rag on me about my clothes or criticize my skin all the time. She also doesn't text and call 24/7. Kinda amused by your joke, not gonna lie. Hope she doesn't try and make things more difficult for you as a result, though.

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On 11/12/2019 at 1:31 AM, sober4life said:

Family is coming by soon to check up on me.  Part of me is thinking ha they don't have anything to use this time.  Everything is in perfect order.  The other part is saying I can't believe this is my life.  Knowing they are coming by I have to have my house perfectly clean like I'm getting ready for a landlord to show up for an inspection.  

The ironic thing is people without a diagnosis can live like total pigs and nobody cares, but as soon as you have a diagnosis, having a dirty dish in the sink is evidence of a 'mental disorder'.

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On 11/15/2019 at 11:51 PM, sober4life said:

Yes I have been proving myself wrong.  I have to be stronger than even I believe to get through this.  The truth is I'm not well enough to do this on my own but I can't let them know that.  The moment they realize I'm in over my head it's over.

The important thing is to convince yourself you're not in over your head. Usually, I wouldn't give this advice, because it may not be possible to do, but I will because lately, even though I'm not so good myself, I realized that I can do it, even though I'm in over my head. If I can, I bet you can! You clearly have a lot of practical skills I don't, (like fixing and repairing things,) so if I can do it, you probably can. Don't give those people anything to work with! You're worth a hundred of them!

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I'm not worried about family right now.  I'm smarter and stronger than they will ever be.  For now I'm safe.  They have other more pressing matters than me at the moment.  I have a plan.  None of them can figure me out and they don't know what my next moves will be and never will.

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