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MissPiss

I'm new. I haven't showered in a week.

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Hello, my name is Melissa, I am 38, and I am new to this page. Actually, I'm new to "support groups" in general, so I apologize if I don't use proper etiquette, or if I do anything wrong.

My story is typical, with a whole lot of spice mixed in. My parents divorced when I was 3, both remarried when I was 6, and shortly thereafter, stole my "only child" title/role, by giving me siblings (I still consider myself an "only child" 😑). At 5, I started the jetset life, of an unaccompanied, travelling, 'child of divorce', and started flying back and forth, between California and Arizona, then later, Washington state and Arizona, at least 5 times a year.

From the time I can remember, I have never connected with, or even wanted to connect with anyone, on any more than a surface level. I was never in one place long enough, to bother making any friends or having any real worthwhile relationships. I wasn't around my siblings consistently enough to create any kind of a bond with them, plus, in my mind, I was just so much older than them, that there wasn't really any need to even try. It was the same with my parents. I just got to "visit" their normal lives every now and then.

I met my first husband at 17, and we were married for 10 years, but I MAJORLY screwed that one up (due to my un-checked depression).

When I was 28, I up and, out of the blue, decided to join the army... but then, the monster hit again, and I was given an early release.

I was a binge drinking alcoholic for quite a few years..  but the hangovers got so bad, that I quit,  and haven't drank in years. 

In the army, I met my current husband, who is severely bipolar. The beginning years were rough, but, he got help, and I now have the best most wonderful husband in the world. When I was 30, we had our son. I didn't think I could have kids, so it was suprising, but perfect.

Ever since I had my son, I have stopped bolting, and running from situations, which was always my go-to, in the past, but now, it has kind of morphed into a more solitary, sedentary kind of beast. One who doesn't even have the energy to THINK about running. I've kind of encased myself in a plastic bubble from the beginning. Even now, the people I love, are regularly kept on the outside of the bubble.

I can go into stories upon stories, that build the foundation, and structure of my depression. If I really think back, I can watch it slowly building and collecting over time, to where it is today. Right now, if you looked inside my head, you would see the worst hoarder's house that you can imagine. I remember everything, starting before my first birthday, and I overthink EVERYTHING. With that much memory saved up, I can [and DO] have a lot of things to tear down, and rearrange in my head.

I am very good at ignoring my hoard, when I'm well, but then the monster hits me in the face, and takes over my life, and I'm down for a month, easy. When this happens, I end up letting my days slip by, while I sit on my patio recliner, chain-smoking cigarettes, and binge watching Game of Thrones over, and over, and over...  and over. I can't move. I can't do anything. I don't hurt, and I'm not tired... I just feel HEAVY. Like a bag of sand. My body will NOT move in a forward motion. The thought of breathing exhausts me. If there really is such a thing as a "will to live", I gave that up 2 weeks ago. I feel like a zombie. 

And the guilt I feel, buries me even deeper. I have a wonderful husband, and the best 8 yr old son, any mom could be blessed with. They are both the most amazing, understanding people I have ever met... yet I can't stand up long enough to make more than ham sandwiches for dinner... I appreciate EVERYTHING they do to help me, but at this point, I just feel like a parasite. I would not be surprised if they just left me, and found a better life. I drain the kindness of the people around me, and I feel HORRIBLE about it. But then, there never seems to be anything I can do, to get out of it. I'm stuck.

I KNOW this is supposed to pass, but when? How?!? How can I unload my hoard, clean my body and mind, and then STAY that way? I've done my time with pharmaceuticals. They did nothing but cause me pain. I have tried, and am still wanting to work with psychadellics, in a mental health capacity, but... HOW???

I feel like anything I do now, is just going to cause problems for me in the future. So, why bother doing anything now? If I stay in my chair, life is safe. Anything else is just too much.

I need to start thinking about the thought of taking a shower now, so thank you for listening to my sob, boo-boo story...

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Welcome to our forum family.

We are here for each other every day and every way.

Our goal is to not leave anyone behind in their depression cave.

Your situation is compelling but not hopeless.

We understand the crushing nature of depression.

My experience reveals depression to be a natural formation / resource.

My depression ain't going away any time soon so I may as well put it to use.

I keep myself metaphorically anchored outside the deep, dark, dangerous depression abyss.

With determined cleverness depression becomes manageable.

At least that's my way of dealing with Old Man Depression.

Anyway welcome again and check out some other posts.

We really do want to help.

Oscar

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Well, you have said it all. Feel bad about the things of the past its a right thing, but, would that make you not enjoy the good present you have talk about ? Your husband and son ? What thing you would like to do, do it. Talk with your husband. Prepare a good meal. Pass a good time on the recliner if you need, but then, enjoy the good of your present. 

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Welcome Melissa.  I'm glad you found us.

First off, yours is not a sob story.  You're saddled with a real disease.  Just about every one of us here, in one way or another, has walked (or crawled) a mile in your shoes.  If it's any help, a lot of your post is the disease talking, not Melissa.  Perhaps intuitively you know that.

While I'm thinking of it, I'll get on the shower.  Is a tub bath an option?  Because of medical issues, that's a switch I had to make.  As I've regained strength, however, I've seen no reason to switch back.  For me, just letting the tub fill has been considerably easier than a shower.  The bonus is that I get to sit back and just soak.

I could load you up with other suggestions, but I don't think that would be necessarily useful while you're already feeling overwhelmed.  It sounds to me like when you're functional, you're functional.  I wish I had a tangible way to help you, but I understand all too well the incomprehensible mental block you're facing.  I've gone through it with personal hygiene, taking out the trash, etc.

Perhaps if you keep posting it will clear enough of the cobwebs.

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Hi and welcome. I'm glad you found us. How did it feel to write all that out and post it where a bunch of strangers who get depression will read your story and nod their heads? 

I could've written parts of your story because I've had similar experiences with depression. I've "beaten it" then it came back. Then I recovered from it again. Each time, I'm learning more about the illness and about myself. While I'm in a recovery phase, I'm able to pull a few boxes of trauma out of the closet, open them up. Process some of what's in there. Some I'll shove back in the closet and leave for another time when I have to tools to deal with it. 

It's alright. It's okay to not be okay. It's too much to confront everything. When we're experiencing depression, most of us tend to make our life very small, less uncertain and more controlled. Part of recovering is coming out of that bubble and you'll find your way.

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Welcome Melissa! Thanks for sharing your story. So sorry you are in such a hard place. You are not alone. Depression can make life unbearable and normal things get really hard to do. Maybe a good therapist could help you with your struggles and to come out of your bubble at least some of the time. Keep reading other’s posts and posting yourself. That should help as well. 

BW

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You said you gave up on pharmaceuticals. But have you tried enough of them? Maybe you just didn't find the one that is right for you.

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Hello and welcome.  I would shower as you will smell and feel better.  You were very fortunate to be given an early release from the military (I hope that it was considered honorable). 

I have felt like a parasite also.  But real parasites do not feel bad.  You hear about a married couple on well fare where the husband works in oil and the wife is a teacher, those are parasites.

If you an I would slowly start experiment making other food.  I rather enjoy cooking when I can.

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